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Entry I - "Vengeance"
Old 05 Sep 2009, 00:29   #1 (permalink)
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Default Entry I - "Vengeance"

The droning of the turbines was a constant presence in Shas’la Vior’lar’s mind as his squads Troop Carrier dragged them across the waving fields of Tel’syr, or Telsia III to the Gue’la inhabitants prior to the invasion. His Devilfish was part of a convoy heading toward the last bastion of Gue’la resistance on the entirety of the world. His cadre had been part of a three tau’cyr long campaign, trying to establish a new Sept on the verdant world. This was the last push on the pitiful capitol, which had already been ravaged by several unsuccessful attempts to rout the defenders. Ever since the orbital battle that had taken place only four rotaa back, in which a massive Gue’la vessel had been destroyed, which the Ethereals had suspected of carrying a world destroying weapon, the pitiful defenders had been evacuating the planet in greater and greater numbers. Now, their only task was to get to the city and finish off the last of the evacuees before they made it into space, if they got there in time.

“Hurry up, Shas’la!” Cried Vior’lar’s second in command, Shas’la Lynu. “We’ll never get there in time for some action in this klkn kles is Devilfish!”

“Indeed! Shas’la Al’suam’s carbine lies m’montyr! He’ll never pass his trials if he doesn’t at least experience a battle! Move it!” shouted Lynu’s brother, Shas’la Yan.

“Lynu, Yan, no need for such a rush. There is more to being a Shas’la than battle and heroics.” Vior’lar chided to his soldiers. These soldiers were part of Green Team, barely more than Shas’saals and fresh out of the academy. They had much to prove in the eyes of the other Fire Warriors, who had all served their time in Green Team. Every warrior of Tel’syr Sept was trained in this way, starting in a team of completely fresh ‘la’s, with no designated leader, or non-essential equipment. They hadn’t even undergone the Ta’lissera yet. It was up to them to appoint a leader, which was undoubtedly Shas’la Vior’lar, follow orders, and survive long enough to move out of Green Team together and take on a more specialized role in Tel’syr Shas activities.

With his men content to sit and wait, Vior’lar sat back and quieted his thoughts. Soon there would be battle, death would visit both armies, and glory would be had for the Tau Empire. Suddenly, a piercing notion streaked through his subconscious. It was like a voice, inside of him, warning him of something dire approaching. Suddenly, he understood.

Oni!” Vior’lar cried, slamming his fist into the hatch release mechanism on the back of the Devilfish cabin. He hurled the two closest Shas’la out onto the grassy field, and then proceeded to hurl himself out, arching into a graceful curve as the skimmer continued to barrel along. As more warriors attempted to pile out, a shrieking shell slammed into the racing craft, flames engulfing it immediately. After a quick head count, Vior’lar realized that two of his La’rua were missing, and he raced into the smoldering cockpit to attempt to rescue them, but all that remained was a smoldering helmet and Shas’la Al’suam’s carbine. He vowed that Al’suam would not be put to rest with a m’montyr carbine, and he strapped the extra weapon around his shoulder. Vior’lar then circled the ravaged chassis of the Devilfish to check to see if the gun drones had survived. Indeed, the ever-faithful Kor’vesa were hard at work attempting to pull the ashen remains of the Devilfish pilot from the wreckage. It was rumored that Tel’syr Kor’vesa were more prone to acts of emotion than other A.I.’s across the empire, and this was evidence of it.

Pulling out his Drone Controller, Vior’lar called the Kor’vesa over to him and brought them back to the rest of the La’rua. Suddenly, another Devilfish, bearing the heraldry of Red Squad, the elite tank hunters of Tel’syr, pulled up next to the stranded Shas’las. Dropping the rear hatch, the Red Team Shas’ui strode out, bearing several long belts strapped with E.M.P. grenades in his arms.

“The Shas’o Dak’e at Tio’ve say there is an artillery battery up in those hills that has been harassing our reinforcements. They want it taken out. Since you’ve already lost your transport, you will have m’yen on your side. Take these.” Ordered the Shas’ui, tossing the E.M.P. grenades to the eager Shas’las, who had never even been permitted to carry a Pulse Rifle, let alone a grenade!

With that, Green Team embarked on a quick jog to the base of the hills that formed the Gue’las artillery base, and proceeded to ascend as silently as they could, which wasn’t difficult under the constant cover of heavy weapons fire from above. These Imperials could lay down an impressive volume of fire, but they were struggling to keep up with the Tau’s intricate evasive maneuvers. It seemed that Green Team was the only squad to suffer such a devastating blow, but with every shell fired the chance that this would change increased. Quickly, Vior’lar signaled his La’rua into position. As he gave the signal, 10 perfectly synchronized Photon Grenades arced into the Gue’la soldiers, followed by a precisely timed volley of Carbine shots. The sudden burst of lights, combined with the pin-point Pulse shots that were pouring into the ranks was enough to force the Guardsmen to scurry for cover, but one soldier stood, screaming at his men to stand, even going as far as to murder the ones that refused to fight back. Vior’lar theorized that this man was the leader, and made it a point to defeat him. Raising Al’suams Carbine, he drew a bead on the sweaty brow of the screaming man, and when he looked up to unleash another torrent of howls at his men, Vior’lar discharged the still-primed Photon Grenade directly toward the Gue’la. Even above the din of battle, a sickening *CRUNCH* could be heard as the projectile punched through the mans teeth. Spewing blood and multi-spectral light, the man spun and collapsed onto his back. Calmly, Vior’lar approached the downed leader, placed his hoofed foot upon his tattered jacket shoulder pad.

“For the Tau’va!” Proclaimed Vior’lar, as he shot the pitiful alien in the head. As his men mopped up the remainder of the Gue’la, he signaled for Lynu and Yan to begin attaching the grenades to the hulking, wheeled vehicles before they could bring their smaller weapons to bear on the La’ura. Very quickly, the tanks began to smoke, one of them exploding as a shell was detonated within the chassis. With a quick hand gesture, he signaled his men to group up.

“Status report! Any injuries?” Vior’lar asked.

“I took a hit in the chest,” replied Yan “but otherwise no injuries, Vior’lar.” All of the remaining Shas’la made the silent signal that they were alright, and Vior’lar nodded in approval. Quickly, he and his La’ura moved over to the edge of the promontory upon which the Gue’la had been barraging his kin. Looking out, he saw that the convoy was still being harassed by other weapons emplacements. Reaching up to his helmet, he opened a communications link with command.

Tio’ve?” Said Vior’lar into his communicator, “This is Shas’la Tel’syr Vior’lar, please inform Shas’o Dak’e that the Gue’la weapons have been destroyed. Request further instructions, over.”


Tio’ve, the weapons emplacement has been destroyed, please advise. We have visual confirmation of another Gue’la weapons emplacements further along the city approach. Request permission to engage enemy position, over.”

“Shas’la Tel’syr Vior’lar, this is Tio’ve, Command requests that your La’ura moves to nearest weapons emplacement. You are to rendezvous with Shas’vre Tel’syr Ol’quath Re’ray’s Crisis Team, they will be dropping in from low orbit to aid in removing the problem, over.”

“Understood, Tio’ve, Shas’la Tel’syr Vior’lar out. Request radio silence until objective is complete, over.”

And with that, Vior’lar made a circular gesture with his hand, and the La’ura began to move toward the next gun emplacement, scrambling to stay low to the rocks to avoid being detected.

As they drew near, Lynu made a gesture pointing toward the sky. There was a faint outline of a series of Dropships, three or four, passing over the city approach. As they began to bank from the approach, each one seemed to divide like some distant single-celled organism. The set of new shapes began to grow, as the descending Crisis Suits approached the battlefield. Then, in unison, they lit up a bright blue as the retro-thrusters of the suit engaged to slow the descent. With a great whine of noise, Shas’vre Tel’syr Ol’quath Re’ray landed directly in front of Vior’lar’s team, who had only just arrived at the rocky outcrop. The Gue’la didn’t seem to notice the Crisis Teams arriving, their senses were clearly dulled by the constant shelling they were performing.

“Shas’la,” began Ol’quath, “good to see you. Your objective is to draw those troops away from the weapons. Then, my team will jump in and destroy them with our Fusion Blasters. Once this has been completed, we will aid you in the firefight with the Gue’la, understood?”

“Understood, Shas’vre. My team will take position near those rocks. The signal to begin the ambush will be a Ta’uk’me call, followed by a two second pause, clear?”

“Confirmed. Shas, out!” Replied Ol’quath.

And, with that, the Tau soldiers moved into position around the bombardment engines. Once the La’ura was in position, Vior’lar nodded to Yan (who was renowned within the Cadre for his uncanny ability to impersonate any Kroot or Kroot subspecies noises). Yan nodded back, and raised his hands to his auditory speaker unit.

“KOOKOOKOOKOOKOO KREEEKREEEKREEE!!! KAKAKAKAKA!!!!” He cried, in his best Ta’uk’me impression. The Gue’la below looked around, puzzled, some startled, some merely confused.

Then, the team burst forward. Photon Grenades shot forward, bouncing around the Gue’la’s ankles, but several rolled under the vehicles, limiting their effect. Some of the soldiers managed to raise their weapons to their shoulders and return fire, but the Fire Warriors were sure to target them first. Eventually, the leading alien managed to rally his troops, and soon the Fire Warriors were pressed against the rocks, hoping to avoid the singing spits of light pouring from the enemy guns. One of the Shas’la next to Vior’lar was struck in the head, throwing him back to the rim of the cliff. Vior’lar pulled out his Drone Controller and signaled for the drones to move forward to relieve pressure from his troops. He greatly enjoyed the company of the AI constructs, but they could be repaired, and his soldiers could not. They floated up from their position on the aliens flank, and discharged their grenades.

This gave the Crisis Team enough of a distraction to leap over the battle and glide toward the enemy weapons. However, something went wrong. Shas’vre Ol’quath caught his foot on something as he launched forward, and he was now tumbling straight toward the aliens! He quickly used the suits thrusters to right himself, but his trajectory was tragically off, and he was going to turn up short of the vehicles and land directly behind the Gue’la. The leader seemed to notice the blunder, and he pulled out his glimmering blade in preparation to down the approaching suit. Ol’quath noticed, and attempted to vaporize the small alien with his blasters, but he couldn’t lock onto the target. The ground around the man buckled and melted, but he remained in his battle pose, ready to slice the Crisis suit in half.
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Old 05 Sep 2009, 00:29   #2 (permalink)
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Default Re: Entry I - "Untitled"

Vior’lar could not let this happen. With a mighty roar, he burst from his cover, screaming his rage and firing both carbines into the throng of aliens in front of him. As the pitiful bodies fell to the way-side, his target came into view. He leveled both weapons and fired, with a triumphant roar bellowed:

H’esa’geka, Gue’la!”

The alien turned to face the rampaging Tau soldier, and caught several pulse rounds in the chest and arms. Screaming in pain, the man attempted to fire his weapon, but more Pulse rounds cut into him, dropping him to his knees. As the Shas’vre landed, he placed his blaster to the aliens skull, and disintegrated the pitiful creature before he could finish whatever prayer he was performing to his deity.

“Vior’lar, you saved my life. Surely this klkn Gue’la would have killed me with this barbaric tool, and I owe you a debt.”

“Nay, Shas’vre, we are all but tools, and all I do is for the Greater Good.” Replied the ever-modest Shas’la Vior’lar.

“Indeed, Shas’la, but never the less, I will remember this. Me and my men will ensure that there are no more aliens, you radio Tio’ve that our mission was a success.” Replied Shas’vre Ol’quath.

As the Crisis Suit revved its engines, Vior’lar looked around the battlefield. Two Shas’la had fallen, one injured, the other having given his life for the Tau’va. One of the drones had also fallen to the alien weapons, and the remaining Kor’vesa was mourning the loss of his companion. Vior’lar raised his hand to his helmet and opened a communication line with headquarters for further instructions.

Tio’ve, this is Shas’la Tel’syr Vior’lar, come in please, over.” Radioed Vior’lar

“Shas’la Vior’lar, this is Tio’ve, what is your status, over.”

Tio’ve, my team and Shas’vre Ol’quath’s teams have completed the objective and now await further orders, over.”

“Confirmed, Shas’la. Please relay that the Shas’vre and his team are to move to the Gue’la city, now that the enemy guns have been removed, over.”

“Very well, and what of my team, Tio’ve? We request a replacement Devilfish Transport if one is available, as we are too far from the city to make it there on foot, over.”

“Shas’la Vior’lar, be advised that an Orca Dropship is en route to pick you up and bring you to headquarters for questioning, Aun’o Nar is very interested in the events of today, over.” Buzzed the voice of the Kor’la messenger in Vior’lar’s communicator.

J’kar, Tio’ve, our La’ura is needed in the taking of the Gue’la city, please advise, over.” Replied Vior’lar.

J’kar, Green Team, Aun’o Nar was very adamant that he wanted your team to return. Remain at your current coordinates, Orca Dropship inbound, over.

“Vior’lar, why are they calling us back? It is our duty to aid in the capturing of the Gue’la city, we must earn our marks!” protested Shas’la Yan. “This is a disgrace!”

“Bite your tongue, Shas’la!” shouted Vior’lar. “You speak out of turn. It the Aun will us to return to base, then we shall. There is no room in the Tau’va for selfish acts of valor! While I do find it mysterious that the Ethereals would need to question us, we shall do it regardless, understood?”

“Aye, Vior’lar!” replied the La’ura. As they waited around for the Orca, which was only a short time away, the disappointed Fire Warriors looked out toward the city. The glittering muzzle flares of weapons dazzled in the optical view points on their helmets as they longed to prove their worth to the other Fire Caste members. They sat around, some doing target practice on the corpses of the fallen aliens, others practicing their grenade abilities by seeing who could throw a stone the furthest. As the roar of the Orca’s engines grew louder, the soldiers gathered together, and embarked as one into the waiting vehicle.

After what seemed like an eternity in flight, the team arrived back at the Tau headquarters building, located in the southern arid flatlands of the planet. As the security forces poured out of the structure to secure the Orca, Green Team was escorted in by the Ethereal’s Honour Guard. When they reached the entry to the Ethereal’s chambers, the Guard barred the entrance.

“Aun’o Tel’syr Nar only wants to question you, Vior’lar. The rest will be escorted to another room to be debriefed.” Stated the Honour Guard in a brief manner.

With some confused glances and shrugs, the remainder of the team walked down the hallway to the debriefing room, while Vior’lar headed into the chambers. A thousand questions filled his head. Why does a great Ethereal want to talk to a lowly Shas’la? Certainly his La’ura had performed their duties well today, but such work has its rewards in the knowledge that the Greater Good has been furthered, meetings with Auns are typically reserved for Shas’os, or others who are in positions of great honour. Aside from these heroes, the only beings permitted to meet with those of the Ethereal caste are… prisoners. But surely he wasn’t a prisoner, right? He had committed no fault, he led his warriors with honour and conviction. But, there was also the escape from the Devilfish, and by all intents he should be dead right now. Surely such a matter would not draw attention from an Aun’o, right? Right?

The automated doors hissed as Vior’lar entered the Ethereals chambers. The Shas’la turned his head marveling at the room he found himself in. He was astounded by the humble conditions which the Aun surrounded himself with. Had it not been for the long Orca flight here, he could swear that he was simply in one of the barracks’ that he had spent the last few tau’cyr lying awake in, trying to settle his restless mind. The same restless mind, which, was now filling with more questions than he thought could ever be answered.

When he rested his eyes on the figure before him, all his questions, the doubts, and the troubles ceased to bother his mind, and they were replaced by sheer awe at the sight of the Ethereal, Aun’o Tel’syr Nar. He had never been this close to one before, in fact the only time he’d seen one with his own eyes was at the beginning of the campaign, when he was being addressed along with the rest of his cadre.

The Aun gracefully lifted his arm and indicated that the Shas’la should sit in the large chair on the opposite side of the desk at which the elder Tau sat. Vior’lar quickly moved to follow the orders. The Ethereal placed his palms together, and sat a while before he finally spoke.

“Shas’la Tel’syr Vior’lar. You performed your duties well today. However, there are some issues that your superiors are having a hard time understanding. According to datalogs from your transport, you engaged the rear hatch several seconds before the shell impacted. Why is this? Did you just decide to eject, or did you know you and your Fire Warriors were in danger?” The Aun’o probed

“Well, your highness, I really don’t know. We were on our way to join the combat at the Gue’la city, and I don’t know, but I had a sense of great danger. Like something in my mind, calling me to avoid the coming shell. I’ve never experienced anything like it.” Explained Vior’lar

“Indeed, “ replied the Ethereal, “I’ve never heard of such a thing. It reminds me of something that the Nicassar speak of, premonition, and it has something to do with the powers they gain from the Vash’aun’an, which is most unsettling.”

“Aun’o, I respectably disagree, is it not true that our people do not experience this phenomenon? How can it be?” stammered Vior’lar.

“Yes, Shas’la, that is true, but it still remains to be seen how you managed to escape such a certain fate.” said the aged Aun.

“What is going to happen to m-“ started Vior’lar, when suddenly a Kor’ui barged into the room, startling the young Shas, but not even effecting the Ethereal, who acted as though he expected the intrusion.

“Aun’o! Something has happened at the Gue’la city! The foul aliens, they detonated their core! Our cadres have been undone by their foul treachery!” cried the Air Caste member.

“Calm down, Kor’ui. Tell me what happened!” commanded the Ethereal.

“All you need do is peer out any window and you will see!” wept the messenger.

Both Vior’lar and Aun’o Nar moved to the nearest porthole and were astounded by the sight that greeted them. Torrents of earth and dust had been tossed into the sky as if the planet itself were rebelling against some great injustice. It seemed that the cities had all been destroyed by some great explosion, although they could not be certain at this point.

“Kor’ui, attempt to raise the cadres we had assaulting the cities. We can only hope that not all of them were destroyed in this manner!” ordered the Ethereal.

“Yes, Ethereal, but you should know that we have already been in contact with a Stealth Team that managed to disarm the explosive device in the main city. The forces there are secure, but we are still unable to raise the remainder of our forces. Estimated casualties are hovering around 70-80% of our deployed forces.” replied the Kor.

“This… this is unacceptable. That these aliens can be so treacherous does not fare well for our future endeavors. However, it seems that your good luck has saved you yet again, as surely you and your men would have been destroyed had you made it all the way to the city, Vior’lar.”

“Perhaps you have a greater destiny than we thought…”
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Old 06 Oct 2009, 20:02   #3 (permalink)
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Default Re: Entry I - "Vengeance"

Spelling, Punctuation and Grammar (SPAG) - 2.8/5
Plot, storyline etc. - 8.8/15
Realism/Plausability - 3.0/5
Interest - 2.8/5
Characters - 3.2/5
Ease of read - 3.2/5

TOTAL - 23.8/40


-Overall a good stroy, interisting twist for the main characterand it make sense that they deal with weapon implacement , breach in before assaulting.

-Story reasonably well written in terms of language but comes to a rather abrupt end with no real plot resolution. In fact, the plot as a whole seems slightly empty. Some fairly major grammatical errors (usually with regards to speech) throughout.
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