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Entry G - "Shadows"
 
Old 30 Aug 2009, 13:09   #1 (permalink)
Shas'O
 
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Default Entry G - "Shadows"

Shadows

Callaghan pounded his feet against the road, scrabbling with rubble and debris for traction. The buildings on either side of him were dull, white-washed, living quarters. Some of them were damaged, all were abandoned. The hive world of Nicodemus had recently been involved in one of the most complex wars in the eastern fringe. And Callaghan was stuck right in the middle of it. After Callaghan’s local PDF regiment recently destroyed an Ork war band, the order to fall back into the hives was given. Not much longer after that, and Callaghan was running for his life.

Panic overtook his mind; all thoughts of common sense were banished as the road steadily ran beneath him. Any experienced soldier, without panicking themselves, would have tried to lose their pursuers, ducking in shadowed alleyways, doubling back, hiding under the cover of a ruin. Yet, Callaghan’s actions, born of desperation, actually achieved more than the standard procedure would have done. For these pursuers were different.

Callaghan looked over his shoulder, his eyes searching for the menace that plagued his mind. On first look, it would appear that no one was there, but Callaghan’s frantic mind managed to make out the flickering outline of his pursuers. Hiding in the shadows, keeping away from the lighted street centre, they were nearly invisible. Callaghan turned back around, towards his destination. The road seemed to stop at the edge of a large circle of light. In a clearing of destroyed debris, the interior guard has left a small outpost of ten men, with a heavy bolter and a long range vox-caster.

Callaghan stumbled into the circle of light, the sandbagged outpost in the middle. He ran over it, vaulted the sandbags, and finally slowed down. Then he noticed the bodies of his fellow guardsmen lying on the ground, one of them holding the heavy bolter in a parody of his last living action. Callaghan frantically searched for the vox-caster, realising that his only hope was to get assistance. He found the vox system, flicked on the power and found the emergency frequency.

“This is the Imperial Nicodemus Fleet emergency frequency, your reception is below standard, please wait until we can redirect our communication equipment to your sector. This will take approximately three minutes.”

Callaghan swore under his breath, cursing his luck, the Imperial fleet, and the techpriest who decided to have the computerised voice recording sounding. He raised his head above the sandbags, scanning for signs of his pursuers. Seeing none, he scooped up the vox in his left hand, and scrambled towards the entrenched heavy bolter. He was prepared to fight for the three minutes until help.

Once reaching the weapon, Callaghan pushed his fallen comrade with a strength only known to those who fear for their life. As the lifeless trooper fell to the ground, his head rolling loosely, Callaghan hysterical movements somehow reloaded the heavy bolter. Having prepared the weapon, Callaghan looked to recoup himself, and positioned himself behind the barrel, ready to launch a flurry of metallic exploding shells at anything. Catching breath, he scanned the shadows for any sign of his enemy. Seeing none, Callaghan took the liberty of checking the slowly diminishing time till his communication with the fleet. Roughly 2 minutes, according to the vox screen.

A flicker of movement caught his eye, nothing much, but enough to trigger his frenzied mind. Hands leaping to the trigger of the heavy bolter, Callaghan searched the shadows once again. This time he was rewarded with the sight of his pursuer. Still hidden by the darkness, for they stayed away from the light, masses of writhing limbs and gnashing maws could be seen moving through the gloom. Callaghan’s already frantic mind went insane at the monstrosities that he was facing. Calling upon the Emperor to guide and protect, Callaghan fingered the trigger. A multitude of exploding metal shrapnel flew towards the shade, hitting everything hiding within. The distinct sounds of bodies hitting the ground came to Callaghan’s ears, yet less than logic would deem. Instead, as far as Callaghan’s eyes could make, many of the creatures were just weathering the blows, an unseen force protecting them from harm.

Callaghan’s mind turned to fear, as his ammo went dry. An uneasy silence rested over the city, as Callaghan’s enemies seemed content to wait. Surprisingly, in a distant corner of Callaghan’s brain, his time was ticking down. Only 30 seconds until contact. Yet, as Callaghan moved to grab the Vox, a sharp, searing pain entered his back. Looking down to examine his chest, Callaghan noticed a large harpoon shaped weapon piercing his sternum. A deep, dark black, this harpoon seemed insubstantial, and indeed, because as Callaghan began to fall back, sunlight hit the weapon, and it faded with a whisper. The wound was still as grievous, but there was no trace of the harpoon itself. As Callaghan’s head hit the pavement, he could see his killer, a large mass of tendrils and limbs, with a large black weapon mounted onto its back. As he laid there, the Vox crackled to life, contact had been made. Dimly, Callaghan realised that a communications officer was asking for his name, position and current situation. Callaghan’s lips formed a reply, forming the correct position for the letters, but no sound came. Yet, if one was there, one could easily guess what he was saying, for it was evident on his face. The Shadows had come.
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Old 30 Aug 2009, 13:10   #2 (permalink)
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Default Re: Entry G - "Shadows"

Far above, on one of the numerous cruisers that floated in orbit around Nicodemus, a communications officer puzzled over a mysterious report. Completely baffled, he decided that the best course of action would be to follow the chain of command, and report it straight to the current commanding officer on deck, which was a heavy set officer by the name of Redwood, a man with slow, but resentful, anger.

“Ah… sir?”
“Hmm…. Yeah? What’s the matter?” Redwood asked, slightly annoyed at the intrusion in his train of thought. Redwood was a thinker, or at least he thought he was, which is nearly the same thing. Any interruptions were looking upon with disdain, unless there was a good reason. Of this, the communications officer wasn’t sure, and was treading very lightly around the proverbial lion.
“Well, ah… sir, I have a situation, forwarded by one of the servitors. The problem is, I have no idea what it is. Basically, the squad of guardsmen left in sector in sector 134.584e3 –“ the look on Redwood’s face caused the officer to reconsider. “Ah… the north quarter of Goln, sir. Ah, they um… Well, “ once again, the raised eyebrow on Redwood’s face indicated that the point of the intrusion better come quickly.
“Well, we got a message from them almost 12 hours ago, sir. The message consisted of the squad under attack from a small Ork scouting party. The last section of the message suggested the squad died to mobile Orks with jump packs. The problem is, sir, is that we reportedly received another message from that vox about an hour ago.”
“Equipment failure?” Redwood asked, curiosity driving annoyance from his features.
“That’s one explanation, sir. Yet, the techpriest assures me that the likelihood of a discarded vox-caster activating itself, and then finding the emergency feature is miniscule.” The officer, upon finishing his sentence, promptly relaxed as much as possible, without appearing subordinate. His fate was solely in the hands of his commander, there was nothing he could do.
“Interesting.” Redwood mused, his thoughts trying to follow the possibilities for the message. Yet, as his mental trail covered all possibilities that Redwood’s mind could think of, Redwood came to a conclusion. “While that is an interesting predicament, and I commend your foresight in bringing this to me, I feel that it is of no matter. I shall promptly ignore it, due to lack of information. There seem to be no overtly ominous consequences, and, unless there is no other information, I recommend filing under-“
“Ah, sir, well, there is one last piece of information. I thought it regardless, but if the need arises...” Redwood signalled for him to continue. “There seems to be some background noise for the remainder of the transmission. It’s very faint, so the officer receiving the message didn’t hear a thing. Studies of the sound are very vague. The techpriest I spoke with didn’t want to give me directions to the cafeteria, and I had to pull weight to get him to explain the sounds. Apparently, there is a distinct sound of movement, but very faint, almost as if an appendage was gliding over a surface, rather than walking on it. Yet, this data is incomplete, we have no way of telling what it is, or even if it isn’t just some life form off in the distance.” The officer finished his barrage of words, and, once again, relaxed.
“Yes, you’re right. It is incomplete data. I feel that, in total, it is consequential.”

It was at this point that the officer noticed a shadow behind Redwood. In fact, it was due to the shadow stirring that he noticed it at all. The shade disengaged itself from the console it was leaning against, and started forward. As the shadow moved closer, a stray shaft of light, out of place in that dark place, hit the top of the shadow. The officer’s eyes flickered to that point, watching the beam of light be overwhelmed by the darkness of the cap. Then, as the shadow leant down beside Redwood’s ear, the peaked cap came horribly recognisable. In that dreadful moment, the unknown shadow became known, but no less feared for it.

“Yes, of course Commissar, I bow down to your wisdom.” Redwood muttered fearfully. “I am dreadfully sorry I didn’t think of that first. Old age, mere old age” The fear on Redwood’s face was clearly evident. Indeed, Redwood’s words trailed off into mutters about ‘never failed my duty’ and ‘not my fault’.

“Indeed” The commissar straightened, his eye’s flickering over the officer’s garb, looking for any infringement to give. “I don’t doubt your dedication to the Emperor, Admiral, simply your current method of enforcing His will. I simply suggest sending some of the Guardsmen on board, for reconnaissance. I will talk to one of the generals, and ask for his support.”
“Of course, Commissar.”
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Old 30 Aug 2009, 13:10   #3 (permalink)
Shas'O
 
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Default Re: Entry G - "Shadows"

Antonius d’Lucian, commissar of the Emperor, strode down the corridor, his dark cloak swirling around his legs. The cold, metal walls passed him rapidly, the heat of any object within its walls being sucked into the vacuum, yet most inhabitants were frozen simply by the black garb and bolt pistol at his side. As the walls ended at a solid, metallic door, Antonius slammed his hand down on the control panel. The door opened, the machinery working loudly in the background. Antonius’ vision expanded with the opening door, revealing a large hanger bay, overlooked by a watch tower, appearing to be some sort of communications building when in use. At the moment though, Antonius could easily tell that the hanger and its control tower were not being used in the method it was originally designed for. Antonius’ hand slipped to his holster, as las-bolts impacted against the closing door behind him.

Antonius dove for cover, his decades of experience and training quickly overcoming any confusion clouding his mind. As his lungs heaved in air, Antonius’ nose twitched at the smell of the barrels he hid behind. Suddenly, the implication of the smell hit him. His eyes flickered to the closest barrel, alighting on the highly conspicuous label. Promethium. Highly Flammable.
“Ah, frak,” Antonius swore, the implications of his predicament encouraging him to relocate to a nearby rack of parts. Finally, behind cover and free from fire, Antonius contemplated what he saw. “Rebellion?” he asked himself. His duty to the Emperor would be to eliminate this uprising, yet there was one small problem. Lifting his head above cover, Antonius risked another second of danger, in order to actually comprehend what was happening. Rebellion it was, as two groups, roughly squad size, were firing at each other, both firing from behind stationary Valkyries transports. The problem that Antonius had, was neither side was distinguishing, or identifying themselves. Not only were both sides completely free from any indication of rebellion, but both were outfit completely in the standard gear for their regiment. In the event that Antonius couldn’t determine who was responsible for the affront against the Emperor, he would feel no qualms with killing both parties, but it was preferable to keep some of the Emperor’s warriors for later.

“Commissar! Sir! Over here!” Antonius, startled, quickly located the source of the cry, and levelled his bolt pistol directly at the running figure. Sergeant Reed, personal bodyguard to Colonel Mills. A good man, but expendable. Yet, before Antonius’ finger closed around the trigger, a wandering las-bolt landed squarely on the sergeant’s arm. Fully expecting the bolt to wound the man, Antonius was therefore surprised when the man shrugged the blast off with little more than a grunt, shake of the head, and singled skin. Indeed, instead of the blistering reprimand, accompanied by bolt shots above his head, all Antonius could manage was a surprised “Wha... what’s going on?” Fisher skidded to a halt in front of the crouching commissar, exposed to any stray bolts from the ongoing conflict. Attempting to regain some control, Antonius straightened; a commissar should not be kneeling before his underlings.

“You have exactly five seconds to explain yourself.” As an afterthought, Antonius scowled, bolt pistol firmly in the face of the sergeant.
“Ah sir, it might be better if the Colonel explains it, sir.” Reed, not wanting to get blamed for any misdeed, intentional or imaginary. As Reed turned and strode in the opposite direction, Antonius, still unsure of the situation, followed.
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Old 30 Aug 2009, 13:13   #4 (permalink)
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Default Re: Entry G - "Shadows"

Skartoof bared his teeth in anticipation, his kustom shoota an’ lectrick klaw starting to whir to life. Peering over the edge of a cliff, the distinct dust clouds of transport vehicles and the battle tanks of a Chaos war host were visible.

“Dats dem Spikey boy’s boss! Da ones ‘o smashed Gobsnirk an’ ‘is crew.”
“I know, ya git” Skartoof swung his claw around behind him, impacting solidly with the head of the boy who dared tell him who they were. Once his orkish curiosity was satisfied, since he had sighted a large Ork head mounted on the leading transport, Skartoof turned around, his small red eyes focussing on the surrounding boyz. His orkish mob were grouped under a large cliff hanging, with a shadowy cavern stretching back into the ground.

“Dose be da the best fighters dis side of the riva, ‘cept us. And we ‘s goin’ to ‘ave a WAAAAGH!” Skartoof and his boyz threw back their heads, ripping the air with a large waagh. Yet, as the sound reverberated across the open air, another sound large enough to disrupt and distort the orkish noise. Skartoof’s yell froze, as a large tentacle reached out of the darkness, constricting an Ork boy. The sound of the ork’s face bursting under the pressure was overshadowed only by the sight of the swirling masses of tentacles lashing out, looking for bodies to destroy. As orks and limbs clashed, Skartoof scanned into the shadow of the cliffs, looking for the attacker.


**

Grey, metallic stairs disappeared quickly under Antonius’ stride. Turning past a turn in the stairwell, the stairs levelled out into an open observatory. A fairly large room, one wall was dominated by a large window. Most of the occupants of the room were peeing intently, watching the battle below. One figure, wearing a neatly pressed dress uniform, was the Colonel.
“Colonel Mills sir,” Sergeant Reed gestured, before scampering off to watch the action himself.

“Ah, Commissar, you’re here.” Mills smiled broadly at the incoming Commissar. “I see you didn’t execute my sergeant?”
“You haven’t got long to explain yourself, Mills. I’m not particularly happy at the moment.”
“ Ah, just a bit of fun. Well, I see you’re not impressed. This is a training exercise... Mock battles, designed to train our men, keep them razor sharp. Have a look;” Mills gestured towards the window.
Antonius leaned over to the window, his eyes scanning the battlefield below. Debris, barrels and Valkyries had been moved around to construct something resembling a battlefield on planeside. As Antonius’ dark eyes observed all this, a flash of light quickly caught his attention, followed by a couple more shots. A squad of guardsmen were firing heavily at another squad, bunkered behind the hull of a Valkyrie. Another smaller group of guardsmen were moving around, out of sight to the hiding squad, planning a simple but effective flanking.
“Ah, sir, we have some information from the deck sir,” a guardsmen carrying a vox caster interrupted.
“Not now Morrison, I’m talking to the Commissar.” The Colonel shooed the man away. ”Good kid Morrison, but doesn’t know when appropriate. “
“What I’m interested in, Colonel, is how you got the lasguns to work without wounding your guardsmen.”

**

Skartoof threw himself at the shadows, his shoota blasting everything inside. Tentacle after ghastly tentacle barred his way; his power klaw flew through the air, trying to eliminate the obtrusive opponents. The klaw crushed one tentacle, before it faded away, but it was quickly replaced by another shooting out of the shadows. As his attacks drove back the mass of tentacles, many of the Ork mob were fleeing, though some were looking to fight alongside Skartoof.
“Let’s get ‘em boyz!” Skartoof, and a mob of boys charged into the shadows. Tentacles flailing from all sides, their goal was simply to take down the head of the beast. However, instead of the mystical being they expected to find, the only thing in the shadows were the shadows themselves. Unseen attacks came from nowhere, boys falling with holes piercing their forehead, and only tentacles blocking their way. Then, barely visible in the shadows below the cliff, a great maw appeared. Razor teeth flew towards Skartoof and his band. One poor Ork boy had his tough hide ripped to shreds, bones and guts showing under the absence of skin. With a roar of triumph, Skartoof charged the jaws, still tossing the boy about. Here was a worthily opponent! The shoota let loose with full round, metal missiles impacting with the outside of the throat. Power klaw swinging down to end life, yet, the maw and its connecting neck simply disappeared. Skartoof, anger and war lust left hanging, didn’t know how to proceed. Then, as he turned back to his remaining boyz, barely visible, a multitude of small, black projectiles flew towards him and his band. Leaving no gap in armour untouched, the missiles pierced Ork skin, and slew Ork lives. The sounds of the Orks dying reach Skartoof’s ears, but no further, the sound of his own scream drowning out the noise of anything else.


**
“Well, we asked the techpriests, and they just gave us some particular power packs. All it does is gives a slight burn to the target, as you saw with Reed. We have officers watching the game, once you’ve been hit you are meant to lie down and remove yourself when you can, and the officers make sure this happens.”
“Very smart” Antonius scowled, the sarcasm in his voice disproving. Secretly, he felt the idea genius, but he wasn’t going to show it.
“Ah, well, I better find what Morrison wanted. Morrison?” Mills turned to find the vox caster quickly talking into the mic. As Mills reached out to tap Morrison on the shoulder, the conversation abruptly finished.
“Ah, sir, we have a situation forwarded by the scanners. There was an Ork war band near Goln, sir, one of the hive cities.”
“Well, I guess we should go and clear those orks out. We don’t want the cities being taken from our control.” Pondered the colonel.
“Goln...” Antonius muttered. “Colonel, the reason why I came here, was to tell you that an isolated signal came from Goln as well, and that some troops would need to go and investigate.”
“Well, sir, I say was, because, well, they apparently were slaughtered. And we have no idea by whom.” Morrison added.
“Really? It’s bad enough that we have orks down there, worse that we have someone that can take Orks, and still be invisible to our scanners.” Mills thought aloud. As they pondered this, the Colonel turned back to the exercise. The flankers had executed perfectly, and had won the mock battle.
“Get 13th company ready to go. And make sure that the power packs are the real ones.”
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Old 30 Aug 2009, 13:13   #5 (permalink)
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Antonius sat upright, the ramrod posture befitting of his station. As the Valkyrie twisted along the streets of Goln, along with three others of its kind, Antonius reflected on what was to come. Asked to direct group A, they were to start a search perimeter from the north side of town. Group B will take the centre of the town, and C takes the south side, closest to the cliffs. No one knew what they were looking for, but the city was a tactical bastion of the Imperial Forces, and couldn’t be lost.

“Fall in!”
The sounds of sergeants screaming at guardsmen, guardsmen falling into line, and the quit murmurings of uncertainty, hit the ears of Antonius. Three squads, not much, but enough to set a defensive line and hold it if needed.
“Sergeants, you have your orders. Start moving in towards the city.”

**

Antonius swore under his breath, a slight depression in the rubble causing him to stumble. A quick look around showed that the nearby squad didn’t see, or didn’t want to be shot. He lifted his cap, wiping the sweat off his brow, and then continued ploughing on. They were about 1 third way into the city now, and nothing had been seen or heard. The planet was nearing the end of its rotation, the local star slipping behind the horizon. Morrison detached himself from his squad members, and made a bee line towards Antonius.
“Sir, a message from command. We sign off in a couple of hours, and get picked up.”
“Thank you, Morrison. Any word from the other groups?”
“B is almost at the end of their area, and C is just about to leave the city.”
“Thanks again.” Antonius continued to move forward, his eyes perpetually scanning. Morrison, dismissed, returned back to his squad. Then, in direct opposite on the slow travel across the sky, the star slipped with surprising speed below the horizon, leaving Antonius and the city, in the dark. Eyes adjusting to the rapid change in light, Antonius stopped to recollect himself. A small pattering from a nearby building spiked his adrenaline, but was quickly ignored by the rational part of his thoughts.

“Sir! Over here! Messages from group C!” called Morrison, still visible in the twilight. Antonius rushed over to his position. “They’re under attack! A message is being sent to command, and Group B is heading over to help and investigate.”
“Understood, we will move to the city centre, and be prepared to help the rest of the company if needed.” Antonius ordered. Morrison nodded, changed channels, and explained to the sergeants the situation. The decision made, the squad started forward again, heading for the city centre. It wasn’t much longer before Morrison gave him another call.
“Sir, Group B is being ambushed! And there’s no communications from C. I think they’re gone.” Antonius froze at this, brain ticking into overdrive. “B requesting help sir!”
Antonius analysed the situation. The obvious course of action would be to rush to Group B’s aid. Yet, there were, complications. An unknown force had destroyed a small detachment of guard, and had moved to attack another, within a small period of time. If there was only one force attacking, the time taken to defeat group C, and move to ambush B, would mean that any battle with group B would long be over by the time they got there. If there was more than the one force out there, then their opponents number more than they can handle.
“Tell B that the Emperor protects, and then give the closest Cruiser our coordinates for pickup.”
“We aren’t assisting our friends?”
“They die in the Emperor’s name, and so will we, if not for a timely extraction.” Antonius looked suitably mournful, yet resolute, inspiring his men on. “We set a perimeter here, or the best position within a short distance. If we live till our allies arrive, then we shall return and deliver the Emperor’s justice.”
“Yes Sir!” Morrison and his fellow squad mates replied. The other nearby squads quickly appeared, warned by Morrison’s Vox.
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Old 30 Aug 2009, 13:14   #6 (permalink)
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An easily defendable position, a ruined chapel, with the rubble creating a raised mound, and a small indent in the centre, allowing a circular trench structure. With the remaining light of the sun gone, Antonius ordered lights to be lit both in the middle of the structure, and around the walls of the chapel, creating an area of light. With many of the enemies of mankind having equal or better nocturnal vision than a simple human, this area of light gave the men a familiar battlefield.
“The Cruiser, Fafnir, will be here within the next two hours.”
“Good! Men, prepare. We must survive the next two hours. There is an unknown force out there, displaying hostile intentions. We must assume that they are out there, they know where we are, and will attack. I want all men ready to defend at a moment’s notice.”

Antonius stretched out his arm, the muscles complaining under the tiring day. Looking over to Morrison, the vox indicated that there was twenty minutes left. The men looked tired, worn from the constant vigilance. Maybe he was wrong, no sign of any attackers anywhere. Standing above the lip of the mound, Antonius looked around. Nothing.

A shatter of glass attracted the attention of Antonius, and many of the guardsmen.
“Sorry, sir, just a broken light. Stepped on it.” A couple of chuckles resulted from the guardsmen. Then, a streak, barely visible, flew through the air where the light had shown. Shouts of panic could be heard as the shadow launched itself at the outmost lights, dropping the guardsmen into shadow. Then, rustlings could be heard. There were things out there. And one was in here. A brave group of guardsmen cornered the shadow, prodding with bayonets. In response, the shadow grew from a ball of black, to a literal army of tentacles, maws and limbs. The shadowy beast roared with its many jaws, and proceeded to attack one of the poor guardsmen. Shot rang out, fear giving many a quick finger. Lasguns tore through the beast, dissipating any limbs that they touched, but as they passed, more of them appeared to lash amongst the guardsmen. Then, a lucky shot from a kneeling guardsman hit the beast solidly in the centre of the writhing limbs. The ball that was the centre of the beast shrunk to a minuscule size, before being devoured in the beam of the shot. Many guardsmen looked in awe as the beast disintegrated before them. A small space of silence was given, before the sounds outside the line of light could not be ignored.

Guardsmen screamed prayers to the Emperor, before shooting shot after shot into the gloom surrounding the chapel. Antonius bolt pistol joined them. As this barrage of shots went out, a barrage was returned. Myriads of missiles, flitting like only shadows can, flew towards the guardsmen. Many were hit by the missiles, losing almost half the guardsmen in the first volley. The survivors, those focussed on surviving longer, bunkered down and kept firing.

The second wave of shots came, but still no target for the poor guardsmen. Then, after the losses of the second volley, beasts with flailing limbs charged the guardsmen. Nothing but shadows, these opponents evaded all shots. Getting quickly into close combat with guardsmen. Man after man fell, as limbs smashed them from their posts, before fading at a volley of fire from a lasgun. Antonius, and a small group of guardsmen were at the centre, firing at any available target. Bolt pistol thudding, Antonius managed in felling one of the beasts himself, while the others falling to mass lasguns, or fleeing back to the dark just as suddenly as they appeared.

Then, as the noise came to a climax, more and more of the beasts came into sight. Behind them was a massive behemoth. Constructed of almost transparent material, it still managed to capture the attention of Antonius.

“Sir, the Cruiser is above us. They are launching the Valkyries.” Morrison shouted.
“There is no chance for them to reach us in time.” Antonius replied, before being charged by the forerunners of the beast. Power sword slicing apart the limbs of the beasts, Antonius held back the encroaching swarm. Beside him, the remaining guardsman didn’t manage the feat. In similar circumstances around the circle, the few defenders were whittled away to simply Antonius and Morrison.
“Ah, frak” Antonius swore, sword spinning in a display of finesse. “Tell them to launch a lance strike at our location! There is nothing else we can do” A sound of agreement from Morrison was punctuated by the sound of limb hitting flesh. Turning, Antonius’ eyes saw a sight he never hoped to see, a tentacle piercing the breast of Morrison, pulling his heart out from the other side. In righteous anger, Antonius launched himself at the beast. Nothing could stop him, the light of the Emperor upon him. Slicing the limb attacking Morrison, Antonius charged the beasts. Yet, as he moved forward, a whisper was heard behind him. Then, as Antonius turned around to face whatever terror faced him now, the sight of Morrison talking into the Vox with his last breath, took Antonius last. His chest bursting with pride for the Emperor’s warrior, Antonius died happy. The blinding light from the Cruiser above destroyed all remains of the fight. With all guardsmen dead, the light filled the sky, a burning lance hitting the location of the battle. Yet, as the light receded, the shadows returned. For, where the strongest light is, is also the location of the greatest shadow.
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Old 04 Oct 2009, 19:16   #7 (permalink)
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Default Re: Entry G - "Shadows"

Darth_Riah I think this was a good story, and it fit well with the Codex:Umbra ideals. As a story in and of itself though, it falls somewhat short. I think this is mainly due to the fact that 90% of readers probably have little to no experience with Umbra, and so had no idea what was happening. Also, because of the thriller/horror aspect of its writing, I think a lot of people were expecting Nids to be involved.

I don't mean to knock your writing, it's a good piece. You did much better than by even having a piece to turn in, I tried to write something but couldn't. It is a very good piece describing Umbra, as well as having a good mix of comedy and tension. (Commissar was great!) Just for the next writing comp you may want to do a race more well known, so that your readers don't feel put off and in the dark.
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Old 06 Oct 2009, 09:41   #8 (permalink)
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Default Re: Entry G - "Shadows"

Thank you, I understand your comments! To be honest, I didn't think most people would understand the Umbra feel to it, but I thought that it wouldn't really take too much from it. To be honest, I had the impression that most would assume another, foreign race, and leave it at that. Though, in hindsight, yes, probably, most people would be confused by it.

Otherwise, thanks for your comments. Though, and this goes for everyone, is there any other problems people see with my writing? I wasn't expecting first, but was hoping for second or third, so could people at least give reasons why it fell down in their eyes?
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Old 06 Oct 2009, 16:09   #9 (permalink)
Shas'El
 
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Default Re: Entry G - "Shadows"

Spelling, Punctuation and Grammar (SPAG) - 3/5
Plot, storyline etc. - 9.8/15
Realism/Plausability - 3.3/5
Interest - 3.2/5
Characters - 3.3/5
Ease of read - 3.5/5


TOTAL - 26.2/40

Comments-

-Great story, still have me wondering what the heck those Shadow things are.

-Generally well written, although a few unfortunate mistakes in spelling and sentence structure (My favourite was “Most of the occupants of the room were peeing intently”). Not sure the scene in the hanger contributed much to the story, which was generally fairly decent. Frequent repetition of certain nouns (i.e. Antonius) got quite annoying at times and results in distancing the reader from the main character.
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Old 08 Oct 2009, 08:51   #10 (permalink)
Shas'Ui
 
Join Date: Jul 2008
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Default Re: Entry G - "Shadows"

Thank you for your comments and scores.

It seems that I should have spent more time explaining the Umbra, or chosen a different topic at least. For those still in the cold, the Umbra are a race of warp beings, though little is really known about them except that they are literally in control of shadows. Their body is a small black ball, but due to their control of shadows, they generally are seen as writhing masses of tentacles and huge gaping maws. While most aren't violent, some are. And that is basically all I knew about them anyway.

Otherwise, thanks Hive Lord for those comments. That sentence, I had marked down for rewording, but forgot about it when I had to drag an older copy of the story from my back-ups. And that is the second time I have been told about my repetitions of nouns, so I am doing something wrong, but I have trouble trying to find alternatives to use. Of course, he, him and generic nouns can be used, but I once got told off for using too many of those as well. Any Ideas?

Storyline wise? It changed halfway, given my quickly expanding word count, and my quickly diminishing time frame. So, the Hanger is actually halfway into one story, and half into the next! Something I guess I need to improve on!
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