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space marine story
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Old 18 Dec 2005, 05:04   #1 (permalink)
Shas'La
 
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Default space marine story

this is some fluff about my chapter the gold hawks

the journey

Captain Kameos of the gold hawks stood in his ornate power armour on the
field of battle, sorrunded by his command squad, his power fist poised for a
fight, arcane bolts of energy leaping from its form. "Brother Champion
sangonius, charge your power sword for battle." Said kameos to his most
honored champion. "Yes my lord, but be wary the enemy approaches." Said
sangonius. "I know that very well my friend, we have fought the ork a
thousand times a thousand battles have we not?" kameos said back. "yes we
have, but I doubt that we will be able to defeat what comes against us, if
we do not get reinforcements soon we will all die, including you commander."
Sangonius shot back. "That may be so, but if we fight to the last we will be
worthy of the emperors forgiveness and be lifted into ascension by his
grace." Said kameos with a fierce stare..



The orks are approaching with a speed I have never seen a military force
capable of achieving. Thought kameos. "I don't think even our scouts will
get a clear shot before they are engaged in close combat." Said kameos in a
clear tone to his command squad. Listen up, scout squad three move into the
woods over there and use your sniper rifles to pick off as many of the xenos
as you can, these aliens will never reach yonwing IV!" said kameos into his
vox-link on a secure channel to the scouts behind the rocky out-cropping to
his right. "Yes lord" was the answer he heard through all the static.
Dreadnought Cameron, cover the scouts from your position with your assault
cannon, terminator squad gardius get ready to attack the orks were ever they
come and use your heavy flamers!" ordered kameos through his vox-link.



The orks were coming in fast now, kameos could see them in their vehicles,
crude wheeled monstrosity's covered in the foul runes of the orks. Even from
twenty miles away, kameos could here the orks shouting "waaaaaaaggghhh!" in
their gruesome tongue. Kameos smiled when the first orks were silently delt
with by the highly effective scout's snipers. He heard the roar of the
dreadnoughts assault cannon as it ripped through the ork line, tearing the
vehicles apart with its highly explosive shells. There were only a few ork
wartrakks left now but they were gaining momentum and speed. "Tactical squad
deacon use your rocket launchers to blow the orks into the darkness they
deserve." Said kameos to the squad of space marines manning the makeshift
barricade that his force had set up hours ago to help the defense. "We will
blow this horde back to the abyss they were spawned from!" he yelled.
There was a roar of approvment from his company..


“Good! We have successfully slowed down the Orks attack wave.” “Scout Squad Three, Aim your sniper rifles at the Warboss,.” Said Kameos. “Cameron, use your assault cannon to thin their numbers. Then when they get close, charge.”

“Landspeeder Squardrons Typhon and Hurricane harass their flanks with your missile launchers and heavy bolters.”

“Tacticle Squad Guardius, Cover Cameron with your heavy weapons.”

“All Transports fire at will.”


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Old 18 Dec 2005, 06:42   #2 (permalink)
Kroot Shaper
 
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Default Re: space marine story

What exactly are you looking for?

Do you want a critique on content?

Do you want a spelling/grammar check?

Do you want a pat on the back?




Let me know what you want, and I'll be more than happy to tell you my opinion.
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Old 23 Dec 2005, 02:44   #3 (permalink)
Shas'La
 
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Default Re: space marine story

i want to know what (if) you liked about the story.
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Old 23 Dec 2005, 14:31   #4 (permalink)
Shas'Ui
 
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Default Re: space marine story

I thought the ork's force was kinda small if the gold hawks thought the were doomed. If you made it like it was a forward advance ahead the main Ork Waghhhhhhh, then that would make sense. other than that Excellent keep up the good work.
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Old 26 Dec 2005, 02:35   #5 (permalink)
Shas'Ui
 
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Default Re: space marine story

Here is some advice from a fellow writer:
1. Your grammer is not top notch
2. I agree, the ork force seemed fairly small to scare space marines to death.
3. Add some onomonopia, and more descriptive words.

Great story so far, I love the names and dialauge (work on "Dreadnaught Cameron")

GOOD LUCK
ShadowCrawler
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Old 26 Dec 2005, 03:57   #6 (permalink)
Kroot Shaper
 
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Default Re: space marine story

The core of your idea isn't too bad. Battles between Orks and Marines are always fun. I agree with some other posts, however. Your grammar could use a little fixing up. 100% perfection isn't required (it's not like this is getting published in the Black Library or anything), but it is much easier to read stories when the grammar/spelling is correct.

One more point: there's no ending! What happened?

Keep working on it, and it'll turn into a fine story.
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Old 27 Dec 2005, 16:14   #7 (permalink)
Kroot Shaper
 
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Default Re: space marine story

A very good story i thought. an ending would be nice though.
Also Sangonius? is that said like the Blood Angel primarch Sanguinius?
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Old 27 Dec 2005, 17:48   #8 (permalink)
Shas'Ui
 
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Default Re: space marine story

I just read your story through a second time and realised you used quite a few Warhammer 40k terms such as close combat. Come up with something more creative like, "I don't believe the snipers will have a chance to draw a bead on the filthy orks before they are run through by the bikers." Get the jist?
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Old 28 Dec 2005, 02:03   #9 (permalink)
Shas'La
 
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Default Re: space marine story

yeah i get it and sangonius is not related to the blood angels,i just made the name up. i could not figure out an ending but i am working on it, hope you read other stories of mine if you see them.
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