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THE NEW RULES OF ROCK
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Old 26 May 2007, 23:11   #1 (permalink)
Shas'El
 
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Default THE NEW RULES OF ROCK

In the beginning, Rock had no rules, and it was good. Then, sometime in the late sixties, the unspoken rules of rock began to be ignored, and so the door was opened for such travesties as Prog rock, Oi punk, Hair Metal, 80's new wave, goth pop, emo, Pop-punk, and thousands of tiny subgenres ending in "Core". In early 2003, Rockologists from around the world met in an undisclosed location to discuss the future of rock. Within hours, it was decided that a new set of laws must be created to put an end to the slow chemical castration of rock and roll, and to discourage new bands from following in the footsteps of those who would do so. Now, after 4 years of intensive research, debate, and near fatal experiments, the world rockologist council has released their findings and suggestions for...

[size=20pt]THE NEW RULES OF ROCK[/size]


Rule#1 If your band's name consists of a monosyllable and a number, it sucks.

One of the first discoveries made by the rockologists in their adamantium laboratories was that bands whose names consist of a monosyllable and a random number(Sham69, Sum41, blink182, Plus44 etc.) are absolute garbage. Upon Further research, it showed that the members of the bands had subconsciously chosen numbers that corresponded to their collective IQ's and put them in front of the one word that all of them could spell.

However, there was no explanation for the unusually high number used by blink182, despite the fact that the band members last known IQ test scores only added up to 78. This puzzled rockologists until it was discovered that Travis Barker, during his time in blink182, had a small Cuban child's brain grafted onto his own, thus raising his IQ from 12 to 80. Unfortunately for Travis, by the time he formed Plus44 the brain had rotted and taken away half of the original brain with it.


Rule#2 All new bands must include a nontraditional instrument in their lineup

The Rockologist Council would like to stipulate that this does not mean "add a keyboardist to your crappy hard rock band and call it nu metal" or "Have a computer make spooky sound effects while you play stripped down, offbeat versions of songs that already exist". It means that your garage band should write songs in which an accordion, saxophone, mandolin, fiddle, or Ukulele made of old soviet tank parts plays a significant role, not just a backing track on the studio version of your album.

That, or you could add a second bassit or even a second drum kit to your lineup because that would be Y'xa'uuk awesome!!


Rule# 3 The following symbols, gimmicks, and music video images can no longer be used under pain of death

Heart pentagrams
"Kidnapping letter" fonts
skulls and crossbones
dressing up in hallowen masks
crying tears of blood
trashing a school while horrified teachers look on
shilling rockstar energy drink
being Manowar
nut crushing jeans with pink things on the pockets
studded belts
reaching your hand out into a camera while making a nut grabbing gesture
Trying to look sad or "deep" in promotional photos or album covers
wearing cheap looking dark colored versions of the costumes from Sgt peppers lonely hearts club band
pretending to care about poor people or AIDS victims
appearing in Tiger Beat
using Bam margera quotes as endorsements
Pete wentz

Rule#4 No more songs about suburbia

In the last few decades, there have been more movies, T.V shows, and angry internet rants about how boring/repressive/hilarious/decadent suburban life is that by now, even the most boring/repressed/hilarious/decadent suburbanite hates suburbia. The world Rockologist Council is sick and tired of these Spike domed little D'yime pop-punksters and thick glasses wearing indie nerds singing the same goddam Y'xa'uuk songs and making the same goddam Y'xa'uuk movies about goddam Y'xa'uuk suburbia!!


Rule#5 The definition of selling out is not "any measure of actual success"

If the defintion of sellout were "anyone who achieves success in the music industry", than 90% of your favorite bands are sellouts, get over yourself.


Rule#6 The Rock n Roll hall of fame is burned down immediately


Once you've turned down The Stooges but let eminem in, you are no longer worthy of deciding who gets remembered as a great rock n roll artist, the world Rockologist Council decrees that all good Rock fans are to declare a Righteous Jihad against these infidels and heretics. In it's place, we shall build The broken glass hall of fame, a place where shards of glass from famous concerts and objects hurled at crappy bands will be stored and give the recognition they deserve.


Rule#7 Christian rock is the devils music

After studying the bible, playing cards with the rotting corpses of George Orwell and Jim Morrison, offering sacrifices to Odin, and smoking massive amounts of cannabis, Christan rock was deemed to be a plot by Satan to destroy rock and roll from the inside and turn every teenager in the world into a straight edge, spiky haired dipshit who says "awesome" way too much.


Rule#8 The emo backlash must end

Yes, emo is annoying, but calling every band you don't like emo is like calling every teacher or leader you don't like a Nazi. All it does is cheapen the label and make people take both you, and the people you're comparing them to less seriously.


Rule#9 MTV get of the air


The world rockologist council thinks that if you don't already know why this is a rule, you're an idiot.

Rule#10 All rock stars should have a crystal on their palm that flashes red once they reach a certain point in their careers

If you've heard of Logans Run, you'll get this. For those of you who don't, it pretty much means that The Rolling stones are going to get shot immediately.



If you have anything to add (or wish to have something subtracted) from this list, don't be afraid to say it.

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Old 27 May 2007, 12:24   #2 (permalink)
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Default Re: THE NEW RULES OF ROCK

Awesome, although the idea of a Rock Band trying to be Manowar is kind of like an Emo band trying to be hard. :
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Old 27 May 2007, 13:06   #3 (permalink)
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Default Re: THE NEW RULES OF ROCK

Yes, I especially agree with the emo backlash. Interpol is not emo! Neither is Dresden Dolls! I'm sick of metal-heads, classical rock fans, hip hop fans that stare down all modern alternative rock as all being emo.


When really alternative rock is made up of a whole range of genres just as terrible as emo! Post-punk, post-rock, nu-metal... :P (though for disclaimer I like both Interpol and Dresden Dolls)


And yes, on the topic of selling out, to indie fans: Death Cab of Cutie before they worked for Atlanta Records and after sounds exactly the same. If you liked them before you should continue liking them after. The fact that they no longer work for an independent record label should not affect your opinion of them in any way. If it does you truly are a posing lost cause.




Also, U2 should have been banned from the music industry years ago. And starting from two years ago, so should Greenday. I fully support the crystal palm.

Also, requesting permission to merge Nine Inch Nails, Tool, A Perfect Circle into a single band, and then merging all of their songs into a single track, and then compressing that track into a 3 minute single, and then deleting that forever.

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Old 27 May 2007, 13:52   #4 (permalink)
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Default Re: THE NEW RULES OF ROCK

love it

****ing hi-larious. specially the christian rock and rock hall of fame bits
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Old 27 May 2007, 20:09   #5 (permalink)
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Default Re: THE NEW RULES OF ROCK

Rule #11 the is no such thing as "the next_____" What I mean is all the people that I know that go "trivum is the next metalica" or "drangonforce is the next Iron maiden". The rule is simple: Legendary bands stay the same as they always have, any repeating from later bands is a huge hint that they are uninspired.

(P.S: This is mainly from my friends saying: "trivium are the next Metalica and ae going to re-right everything and re-define Metal. Nothing comes close!! Which brings me onto rule 12...)

Rule #12 - Thou shalt heed the wisdom of the ancients - There is NO arguing with this rule - you shall respect at least one band from the past, preferably more. And you shall worship them and cherish them and believe with zealous belief that they cannot be usurped by any modern band. Sex pistols will not be replaced by green day/ blink 182, Judas priest will not be replaced by children of bodom, Iron maiden will not be replaced by Bullet for my valentine, Metallica will not be replaced by Trivium and megadeth will not be replaced by Machine Head (although they are getting on...).

Rule #13- thou shalt revere Iron maiden or Led Zep. If you are british it is a requirement to honour both.
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Old 27 May 2007, 21:12   #6 (permalink)
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Default Re: THE NEW RULES OF ROCK

Right, two things:

Thing the First - Iron Maiden isn't a rock band, so worshipping them as one seems silly. :P

Thing the Second - Led Zeppelin is crap.
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Old 27 May 2007, 21:30   #7 (permalink)
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Default Re: THE NEW RULES OF ROCK

Quote:
Thing the Second - Led Zeppelin is Klkn.
Don't make me beat you :P
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Old 27 May 2007, 22:44   #8 (permalink)
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Default Re: THE NEW RULES OF ROCK

Ah ha ha ha, too funny . Now its my turn...

Rule #14 Cover Bands are NOT true rock bands

Why?* Because cover bands only replicate the creative genius of the original rock band (assuming they were genius at all).* Covering songs from a band is acceptable as long as the covered songs do not take up more than 85% of songs played at gigs and performances.* Covering too many songs may show that the band may not be able to write their own songs, instead relying on other bands to do the work for them. There are some exceptions to this rule though.* Playing songs by great bands for fun is accepted.* It is not accepted if the bands songlist is composed of songs created by other bands during a gig, as stated above.*

Rule # 15 Keep all instruments, tools, equipment etc. safe and sound

This mean to keep your equipment in as best possible condition as possible.* Destruction of one's equipment is not acceptable.* The equipment of a musician is sacred and must be treated with the respect it deserves.* The equipment must stay in one functioning piece for as long as physically possible.* For without his/her equipment, the musician cannot create music.

My two rules.

Snowbird
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Old 27 May 2007, 23:04   #9 (permalink)
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Default Re: THE NEW RULES OF ROCK

Quote:
Keep all instruments, tools, equipment etc. safe and sound
To quote Pete Townshend "My ****ing guitars".

If the artist can buy more equipment then let him smash it, let him burn it, let him do whatever the hell he wants with it as long as his midless vandalism doesn't stop him making music.[b]
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Old 28 May 2007, 00:04   #10 (permalink)
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Default Re: THE NEW RULES OF ROCK

Lodging strong protest against rule number 15 (are you saying Jimmy Hendrix wasn't a good musician?) and half of rule number 13 (that half that doesn't involve Led Zepplin, when I listen to Iron Maiden it makes me feel like a 12 year old >...somewhat better than Dragonforce which makes me feel like an 8 year old)
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