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40k humour
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Old 19 Jul 2005, 17:24   #1 (permalink)
Shas'El
 
Join Date: Mar 2005
Location: Fifth circle of hell
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Default 40k humour

I am probably going to get about 15 million negative karma points for this, but i am going to post up a thread of some 40k jokes and stuff! I've lots of stuff, so will make a few posts on it. Cringe, hide, and enjoy!

First, the lightbulb jokes:

The first is Possibly the best (and only good) 40k joke:


Q: How many Slannesh worshippers does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A: 2. Just don’t ask how they get in there…..

Q: How many Space Wolves does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A: Thw whole chapter: 1 to hold the light in place, and the rest to get to blind drunk the Fang spins.

Q: How many space marines does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A: 100, one to screw it in and 99 to praise the Emperor.

Q: How many Guardsmen does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: None, their lasguns work fine.

Q: How many Wraithlords does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Just one, if you use THREE, we will all claim it is beardy.

Q: How many inquisitors does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A: Three. One to screw it in, one to outlaw lightbulbs, and one to deny the existence of lightbulbs.

Q: How many Tau does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: They don't screw them in. Their helmets are equipped with infra-red, heat and motion scanners along with camera linked to their drones which means they have to do no work at all themselves.

Q: How many Squats does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Oh, wait. GW doesn't support them any more.

Q:How many Space Marines do you need to switch on the Light?
A:You doesn't need any one. They have Night-Vision. - submitted by Sebastian

Q:What is green and what becomes fast red?
A: A Snotling in a mixer.- subbmitted by Sebastian

Q: How many necron does it take to screw in a lightbulb ?
A: None, the lightbulb will get self-repaired. –

Non-lightbulb jokes:

Q.Why does a Catachan cross the road?
A.To get out of mortar friendly fire

Q.What is a berserker of krohne to a Catachan?
A. Teddy Bear

A squad of sisters of battle were all being inserted by drop ship.

The male pilot comes on the radio and says "We are just entering the system now and will be landing at base alpha zero zero in an hour.

the pilot forgets to switch off the intercom and turns to his male co-pilot and asks, "so what are you going to do when weve landed?"

The co-pilot says "well firstly im gunna have a HUGE dump, 3 day anti-grav. flights don't do my bladder any good, then im gunna go see that new lt., you know, the one with the dark hair and huge breasts, take her out, wine her, dine her, then im gunna take her to my quarters...." and then proceeded to go into graphical detail of the nights animal-type loving.

The new lt., horrified at the detail spewing from the speakers about various uses for the butt of the co-pilots plas-pistol, runs down the aisle to switch off the intercom, trips over a boltgun, and lands flat on her face.

A new recruit sitting opposite turns and says "whho! calm down Maam! He's gotta have a shit first!"

-----

2 guardsman are yomping off to war when one says to the other "hey sarge, this lasguns heavy, I wish we had something lighter. The sarge, being a grizzled veteran of many wars lets the man in to a secret. You could kill grots just by pointing your finger at them and shouting ABANG ABANG ABANG! Because the grots know that when they hear that they are gonna die and so fall over dead to save themselves the bother.
You must be joking sarge, he says, and thinks nothing more of it.

War comes
The guardsman runs out of ammo.
In desperation he points his finger and shapes it like a gun. feeling rather stupid he shouts ABANG ABANG ABANG! And to his surprise he sees whole squads of grethin die!
He proceeds to slaughter all of the gretchin horde with the exeption of one grot that is charging straight towards him.
He shouts ABANG ABANG ABANG!

nothing happens.

rather confused he shouts louder ABANG ABANG ABANG!
The next thing the guardsman remembers is being smashed flat by some awesome force, every bone in his body is crushed.
The last thing he remembers is a small high pitched grotty voice squeeling

ATANK ATANK ATANK! ATANK ATANK ATANK!

----

The Orks are entrenched in fortificatrions on a battlefield when they here some shouting from the enemy trenches.

"One Space Marine is worth 10 Orks" So the orks cant let their 'good' name be slandered so the Boss sends ten orks to run to the enemy trench shouting "ere we go". After a couple of minutes the orks here a voice shout " One Space Marine is worth 50 orks". So the Boss sends fifty orks charging towards the enemy trenches. Ten minutes later a voice shouts " One Space marine is worth 100 Orks". So 100 orks charge into the enemy trench on the Boss's orders. 15 minutes later a solitary ork returns and reports to the Boss that " They cheated boss, there was two of um!".
-----

An Dark Angel, Blood Angel, and Space Wolf all walk into a bar. Each
one of them orders a drink. The bartender brings them four beers.
The Dark Angel looks at his beer and realizes there's a fly in it. He
begins to moan about how he is being punished by the Emperor and leaves
the bar in shame, pulling his monk's robe around him tighter.
Just then the Blood Angel looks down at his tankard.
"What's this?!" he shouts, "There's a fly in my beer?!?!" He then
proceeds to destroy half the bar in bloodthirsty rage (and ruins any
chances of getting with the Sisters at table 3).
Finally the Space Wolf looks down at his beer and notices there's fly in
his beer too! However, when he magnifies the reception on his bionic
eye he sees the little Tyranid wannabe taking a sip of his pint.
"Oh, no you don't laddie!" he growls as he grabs the tiny insect. "Spit
it out, spit it out!!!"

-----

6 Catachan and their Sergeant enter a bar. And proceed to get into a barfight with some Dark Angels. "we'll beat em" the sarge sez then politly asks the Space marines to step outside and opens the door for them. Needless to say the door nothing of the fine establishment was left when the marine hit the trip wire.

-----

What the Emperor's thinking...

"39,002 bottles of Emperor's Tears on the Wall, 39,002 bottles of Emperor's Tears, take one down, pass them around, 39,002 bottles of Emperor's Tears on the wall. 39,001 bottles. . ."

"You know, I've had this itch for 3,435 years, right at the base of my neck. . ."

"Why can't they hook up a playstation 40,000 in here?"

"Damn, my foot's asleep again."

"You know, when I said sacrifice 1000 souls to me daily, they must have misunderstood. I actually meant sacrifice 1000 COALS. It's so cold in this huge throne room..."

-----

Three commanders are lined up and arguing who has the braves troops in a hanger. A Blood Angle commander, a Imperial Guard Commander and a Sister of Battle Commander. The Sister of Battle orders one of her troops to jump out the air lock. She dose without hesitation. The Blood Angle Comander orders one of his troops to do the same. The Blood Angle roars and runs out the air lock screeming. The Imperial Guard Commander orders one of his own to do the same. The trooper replys, "SIR, NO SIR!" The Imperial Guard comander turns to to the others and says, "Now THAT is courage."




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"What warriors of men can stand beside the Space Wolves! The Sons of Fenris they are, hardened in the forge of their harsh world, eager for battle and honour. They are the grey warriors, ashen like the wolf, whose greatest joy is to hear the clamour of steel amidst the din of war. None can step before them, they are the first, proud in their strength and jealous of their renown. Through the storms of the warp they come, upon the very tides of terror, but of such dangers they are uncaring. They are the Space Wolves, the Undefeated, the bane of the Emperor's foes."
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Old 19 Jul 2005, 17:25   #2 (permalink)
Shas'El
 
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Default Re: 40k humour


101 Uses for a Lasgun

1.Warming soup.
2.When left on, a seat warmer in your Leman Russ.
3.Disco effects/pyrotechnics.
4.Cigarette lighter.
5.Changing T.V channels.
6.Selling to get funds for a better weapon.
7.Throwing at the enemy (may do more damage)
8.Using for grave marking for IG troops.
9.Collecting (eventually you might have enough to do some damage)
10.Paperweight.
11.Skeet shooting.
12.A cooking utensil.
13.Looking slightly menacing.
14.Strapping onto a Boltgun as a laser sight.
15.Annoying friends by shining it in their eyes repeatedly
16.Burning ants
17. Wall ornament
18. playing "spotlight"
19. Casting shadow puppets
20. Could be stolen by eldar to use as spotlights?
21. Used as baseball bat
22. Child's Toy
23. Laser Pointers
24. Cigerett Lighter
24. Melted down to make an Ashtray
25. Door Stop
26. To poke ya brother in the eye
27. Remove Unwanted moles ( rember.. turn it on first)
28. Give to orks, in exchange for their Sluggas
29. Disco Lights
30. Given as Door handouts at Star Trek Conventions
31. Used instead of a Sun Tan bed.
32. To melt opponets " Plastic Minatures "
33. To melt down beardy armies at tourniments
34. A Desk Lamp
35. Game Boy Light
36. Camera Flash
37. Used to dry wet minatures
38. Head Lights on a Car ( may need 20 -40 Lasguns for this one)
39. Slapping your younger brother over the head with
40. TV remote
41. Video Game Gun
42. Attaching bayonets to ( Submitted by Tom Wilkinson )
43. Laser Tag ( Submitted by Fred B Trainer )
44. To make your enemies laugh to death!! ( Submitted by Eldrad )
45. They give Imp Guard Leadership 7. ( Submitted by Demus )
46. Gives Catachans something to do with their hands. ( Submitted by Demus )
47. If you take them into Cash-a-Can, you get marginally more for it than you would for a 100-foot Coke can. ( Submitted by Demus )
48. Holding the doors on Chimera shut. ( Submitted by Demus )
49. A really useful tool for knocking things off those hard-to-reach shelves.( Submitted by Demus )
50. tickle space marines ( Submitted by Bryan Bauer )
51. light camp fires ( Submitted by Bryan Bauer )
52. scare gretchin ( Submitted by Bryan Bauer )
53. warming friends ( Submitted by Bryan Bauer )
54. give Chaos space marines a good laugh ( Submitted by Bryan Bauer )
55. use as a laser to scare troops ( Submitted by Bryan Bauer )
56. Train your animals with ( Submitted by Sir Gates )
57. Paintball Gun Laser sights ( Submitted by Sir Gates )
58.Construction work ( Submitted by Sir Gates )
59. Hunting lone Rippers (Submitted by Charles Froehler )
60. Distracting chaos spawn (Submitted by Charles Froehler )
61. Playing matador with a Khorne Juggernaught (Submitted by Charles Froehler )
62. Engraving graffiti on power armor (Submitted by Charles Froehler )
63. Setting off demolition charges (from a distance) (Submitted by Charles Froehler )
64. Selling for pulse rifles (Submitted by Charles Froehler )
65. Threatening tech-priests into making you a better gun (Submitted by Charles Froehler )
66. Giving to cultists, to stop them from looking for decent guns (Submitted by Charles Froehler )
67. Popping Nurglings (Submitted by Charles Froehler )
68. Getting stains off your teeth (Submitted by Charles Froehler )
69. Field laser eye surgery (Submitted by Charles Froehler )
70. Forcing Tyranids to evolve beam-reflective shells (Submitted by Charles Froehler )
71. Making The Deceiver turn into the Laughing God (Submitted by Charles Froehler )
72. Beating Tau over the head (surprisingly effective) (Submitted by Charles Froehler )
73. Replacing search lights on tanks(Submitted by Charles Froehler )
74. The Astropath/Navigator want's a new star map. (Submitted by Colin)
75. Illuminating flying vehicles for Whirlwinds or Basilisks (Submitted by Colin)
76. Get a Rogue Trader to take your Guard Division to Arrakkis, tell house Atredies that you bought Defective weapons from them, and Get them replaced with Dune Lasguns of a 1:1 basis (should we mention that you can now kill dreadnoughts) (Submitted by Colin)
77. Training exercises, just so that no one get's hurt (Submitted by Colin)
78. Use to designate targets for 20th Century anti Armor munitions. (Submitted by Colin)
79. Cateract surgery (Submitted by Chris Tasker)
80. Lasguns have a use?!?!?!? (Submitted by Brandon Stone)
81. Light kindling for campfires (Submitted by Brandon Stone)
82. Give space marines a superiority complex (Submitted by Brandon Stone)
83. Make the imperium the laughing stock of the galaxy (Submitted by Brandon Stone)
84. Make sure no-one takes the I.G seriously (Submitted by Brandon Stone)
85. Strobe lights on the front of a Chimera (Submitted by SteelAngl1)
86. Connecting to the internet via a wireless Comm-link (Submitted by SteelAngl1)
87. Playing CDs in the field (Submitted by SteelAngl1)
88. Well, the Tau markerlight technology had to stem from somewhere... (Submitted by the Tau Empire.)
89. What do you think they use on Chimera and Leman Russ assembly lines? (Submitted by the Tau Empire.)
90. Portable AAA battery (one lasgun equals one battery). Now sold in packs of eight. Compatible with MiniDisc and mp3 players. (Submitted by the Tau Empire.)
91. Well, you can at least draw in the dirt. Useful, for planning a battle. (Submitted by the Tau Empire.)
92. Why don't you go ask the guards? I mean, after all, they're the ones using them. (Submitted by the Tau Empire.)
93. You could probably clean the bacteria off your hands when the cook asks, if you tried hard. Very hard. Very, very hard. Very, very, very hard. Very, very... (Submitted by the Tau Empire.)
94. LoS checks when playing Necromunda. (Submitted by the Tau Empire.)
95. "Safety exits are on your left and right as well as to the front and rear of the plane..." (Submitted by the Tau Empire.)
96. A key chain decoration
97. Use the laser to play DVDs
98. To cut bread
99. To toast sandwiches
100. To imitate Dirty Harry and say that classic line " Make my day"
101. To impersinate a boltgun , by putting a replica casing of a boltgun over the lasgun

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"What warriors of men can stand beside the Space Wolves! The Sons of Fenris they are, hardened in the forge of their harsh world, eager for battle and honour. They are the grey warriors, ashen like the wolf, whose greatest joy is to hear the clamour of steel amidst the din of war. None can step before them, they are the first, proud in their strength and jealous of their renown. Through the storms of the warp they come, upon the very tides of terror, but of such dangers they are uncaring. They are the Space Wolves, the Undefeated, the bane of the Emperor's foes."
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Old 19 Jul 2005, 17:27   #3 (permalink)
Shas'El
 
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Default Re: 40k humour

Space Marine Commandments:

1. Thou shalt not refer to the Adeptus Soritas as "Bolter Bitches," nor shalt thou go anywhere near our sisters during the time of the "Red Rage," lest thou wishes to be the first human to enter orbit without the aid of a shuttle.
2. Orks are not "cute."
3. Thou shalt not make jokes about the Imperial Guard's weapons.
4. Thou shalt not replace the Librarian's staff with a magic wand.
5. Thou shalt not tip the Terminators over during battle.
6. Thou shalt not do Spock impersonations around Eldar.
7. C-3P0 is not a Necron ambassador.
8. You shall not dare others to eat Squigs.
9. No, you cannot "take the Titan for a spin."
10. Thou shalt not use thy multi-meltas to light campfires. (in a similar manner, thou shalt not use the Terminator Captain's chainfist to open tins of baked beans)
11. Thou shalt not bribe the Inquisitor to bring down Exterminatus on your ex-wife.
12. Thou shalt not refer to the Rhino transports as "pimp wagons," nor shalt thou use the phrase, "If the Rhino be rockin, don't come a knockin."
13. The Chapter Master is not a "drag."
14. Thou shall not use Power Swords to cut your food.
15. Thou shall not ask a Sister if you might "donate some of your own Gene-Seed."
16. Thou shall not throw soap at nurglings.
17. Thou shalt not put a "kick me" sign on the Golden Throne.
18. Thou shalt not refer to the Machine Spirit as "Cruise Control".
19. Thou shalt not stick a 'Honk if you think I'm sexy' sticker on the Sisters' Rhino.
20. Thou shalt not honk if thy sees a sticker saying 'Honk if you think I'm sexy' on a Sister's Rhino.
21. Thou shalt not unplug the Golden Throne just "for laughs".
22. Thou shalt not make the Emperor read your palms, or call upon him as "Miss Cleo".
23. Thou shalt not underestimate the power of a Vibro Cannon, even if it is shoved up a Slannesh Daemon Prince where the sun don't shine.
24. Thou shalt not refer to the Ravenwing as "Speed Freeks in Power Armor."
25. Thou shalt not point and laugh at Dark Angels.
26. Thou shalt not cry "Toro!" while within earshot of a Blood Angel.
27. Thou shalt not throw sticks while in the company of Space Wolves.
28. Thou shalt not refer to the Ultramarines as "Ultrasmurfs."
29. Thou shalt not keep pet Rippers.
30. Thou shalt not ever, ever repeat the "Black and white Space Marine on the black and white bike" joke, ever.

I have 350 more of these. scary, eh?!

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"What warriors of men can stand beside the Space Wolves! The Sons of Fenris they are, hardened in the forge of their harsh world, eager for battle and honour. They are the grey warriors, ashen like the wolf, whose greatest joy is to hear the clamour of steel amidst the din of war. None can step before them, they are the first, proud in their strength and jealous of their renown. Through the storms of the warp they come, upon the very tides of terror, but of such dangers they are uncaring. They are the Space Wolves, the Undefeated, the bane of the Emperor's foes."
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Old 19 Jul 2005, 17:29   #4 (permalink)
Shas'El
 
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Default Re: 40k humour

And breaking the above rule 30, here is the infamous "black and white space marine on a black and white bike".

Not on my watch you dont! This joke has been deemed heretical by all known civilised races, and Orks too.
Deleted. =][=

I still have more stuff!

*sees the angry faces. Spots Wargamer unsheathing his katana, and MalveauX's two death cult assassins, and spots a foggy haze around TO as he prepares to unleash wind war. gets the hint*
OK, i'll pack my bags, and get me coat.
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"What warriors of men can stand beside the Space Wolves! The Sons of Fenris they are, hardened in the forge of their harsh world, eager for battle and honour. They are the grey warriors, ashen like the wolf, whose greatest joy is to hear the clamour of steel amidst the din of war. None can step before them, they are the first, proud in their strength and jealous of their renown. Through the storms of the warp they come, upon the very tides of terror, but of such dangers they are uncaring. They are the Space Wolves, the Undefeated, the bane of the Emperor's foes."
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Old 19 Jul 2005, 18:19   #5 (permalink)
Shas'El
 
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Default Re: 40k humour

looks like it was all taken out of the grim stalker site. But these are still very funny
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Quote:
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Legio why do I always imagine you shouting when I read your posts? :P
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Old 19 Jul 2005, 18:26   #6 (permalink)
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Default Re: 40k humour

From a site called warlords.org

Things I have learnt about the 40K universe from observing the games

Space Marines

-Space Marines are 2/3rds of the human population of the Imperium.

-Standard space marine chapters are rare. The combined totals of Blood Angels and Space Wolves out number all other kinds of Marines (almost half of those remaining are Black Templars).

-Despite their experimental nature Land Raider Crusaders are twice as common as the standard Land Raider.

-If a Land Raider is present in a Space Marine army it may only be present if a Crusader was present already.

-100% Strength Marine Squads = 5. Any squads larger then these are statistical aberrations and may be ignored.

Blood Angels

-It is morally wrong to equip Vet Sgts with Wargear.

-Something bad seems to have happened to the Blood Angels as all of their squads are at half strength (although the special weapon and heavy weapon guys always seem to survive).

-The only command ranks in the Blood Angels are Chaplains and Sanguinary High priests. We presume that all other officer ranks have gone off to be Champions of Khorne or some such thing.

Space Wolves

-The army is lead by its Wolf Scouts. They’re always there.

-It is impossible to buy a SW leader without Chaos Armour (oops the Belt of Russ) Mark of Khorne (oops sorry frost weapon), Mark of Slannesh (opps sorry Wolf Pelt) and WS10 (opps sorry Wolf Tooth necklace).

Eldar

-Eldar are lead by their Wraithlords (they are the only thing you always see in their army) and in some extreme cases they would appear to be led by a Wraith Lord Council.

-A Swooping Hawks’s sole purpose is as ablative armour for their Exarch. How any Swooping Hawk lives long enough to become an Exarch is a complete mystery.

-The maximum size for a ranger squad is 3.

-Dire Avengers are a myth, a legend, a complete lie if you will. Eldar will field the Loch Ness monster before they field Dire Avengers.

-Star Cannons out number all other support weapons by 2:1. 75% of those remaining are bright lances.

-The Eldar pantheon is a source of fun and amusement for all the family. An Avatar of their God of War regularly gets bolter stocked to death by marines of on a bad day by Imperial Guard. Who else would name one of their gods the laughing god:-).

Chaos


-There are only two types of Greater Demon (instead of the four more commonly thought to exist). Blood Thirsters are sighted often, Keepers of Secrets less so. The Lord of change is a rumour only and the Great Unclean one is merely a fart joke gone bad (and with T5 is it any wonder).

-Chaos aspiring champions cost 5 points more than a loyalist equivalent and are covered in spikes.

-Chaos aspiring champions aspire to own a pair of lighting claws.

-Worshipping the Dark Gods of chaos isn't worth a bean, the loyalists get a cool 4+ invulnerable save but the Dark Gods couldn't protect lollies from a 5 year old child.

-Greater Daemons of chaos will almost always possess the worst possible model, either they will possess the commander (who costs nearly as much as the Daemon) or they will possess the aspiring champion who is out of assault range.

-A well balanced chaos army is one that contains units from all of the chaos powers after all they all have their good points.

Orks

-The only Orks allowed Rokkit Launchas are Tankbusta boyz. Any boyz squad sighted with RLs are in fact over sized busta squads.

-There is no such thing as Uge Choppas. Orks with use Rubber Chickens as Close combat weapons before they resort to Uge choppas (and have).

-50% of looted vehicles are basilisks with the balance being Leman Russ tanks. Never do Orks manage to loot a Griffon (maybe because the imperial guard can't get any either).

-Deathskull lootas kill themselves before getting to the battlefield and have failed to reproduce and so have become extinct.

-Blood Axe commandos are so sneaky they are never seen on the battlefield.

Dark Eldar

-Dark Eldar are expert cross-country runners. They have to be because win or lose they will be walking home. Their transports seem to be jet engines encased in a superstructure of tin foil and brightly painted cardboard.

-Dark Eldar Archons are expressly forbidden from showing up to a battle without a shadow field.

Tau


-Despite information to the contrary Tau DO use Kroot as an expendable shield (for the Greater Good my warty posterior).

Imperial Guard

-Infantry Platoons consist of 2 squads and an HQ rather then 2-5 squads.

-Every Guard army is amply supplied with Basilisks but cannot obtain Griffins for Love nor money (although this could be GWs fault) .

-Imperial guard regiments suffer 80% casualties every engagement anything less and they just were not trying hard enough.

-Most imperial guard regiments have a attached Assassin which will either be an Eversor or a Callidus. The imperial guardsmen will not at all be concerned about having a psychotic killing machine standing in their midst (nor the Eversor assassin either) Other assassin temples are too sneaky to be seen on the battlefield or are anti-Imperial propaganda and don't really exist.

Tyranids

-There MUST be two Hive Tyrants in every force (they just do OK?).

-One or both of the Tyrants must have wings.

-Biovores are a compulsory choice. No Tyranid army has been seen without them.

-The Red Terror may be a special character but I have never seen a Nid force without one (even if it is a Blue Terror, a Brown Terror, a Pink Terror, and a black and white checks Terror).

-Ditto for old one eye. In Nids versus Nids games I have seen them charge each other (no doubt yelling the Nid equivalent of ‘Imposter!’.

Chaos and Imperial

-While power swords are stylish and look cool a pair of lightning claws is so much more effective. Lightning claws are also the most common weapon and are almost a badge of rank for senior officers.

General

-The arrival of a new race into the 40k universe is always greeted with gasps of shock and horror. Not because the new army is an ancient an implacable alien menace but because no one understand their new an unique special rules.
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Old 19 Jul 2005, 18:40   #7 (permalink)
Shas'El
 
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Default Re: 40k humour

the first 2 lightbulb jokes are original though.

the very first one is, by 40k joke standards, sheer brilliance (if you get it...)
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"What warriors of men can stand beside the Space Wolves! The Sons of Fenris they are, hardened in the forge of their harsh world, eager for battle and honour. They are the grey warriors, ashen like the wolf, whose greatest joy is to hear the clamour of steel amidst the din of war. None can step before them, they are the first, proud in their strength and jealous of their renown. Through the storms of the warp they come, upon the very tides of terror, but of such dangers they are uncaring. They are the Space Wolves, the Undefeated, the bane of the Emperor's foes."
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Old 19 Jul 2005, 19:04   #8 (permalink)
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Default Re: 40k humour

Quote:
14.Strapping onto a Boltgun as a laser sight.
Give me untill Friday and I'll make one
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Old 19 Jul 2005, 19:15   #9 (permalink)
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Default Re: 40k humour

you are truly a king among men
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Old 19 Jul 2005, 19:21   #10 (permalink)
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Default Re: 40k humour

Those are hilarous! ;D
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