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40k Humour
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Old 23 Apr 2006, 06:43   #1 (permalink)
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Default 40k Humour

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Old 23 Apr 2006, 06:45   #2 (permalink)
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Default Re: 40k Humour Temp Thread

The following is a the current list of FT Gazzets as created by me, FT and a few select members. If you want a subscription to the FT Gazzet, please send a PM to Farseer Tyross.

[hr][size=20pt]
ISSUE 1[/size][hr]
Introducing the FT Gazzet!! first ever issue. RRP: whatever you can afford to pay me + £1

Story of the Day: A bottle by the name of Nurse Salt get it's content ransacked today. An entire 2 litres of black fluid got drained from Salt's body via a small bottle neck. It is also believed that this "mercy" drinking was caused because a larger person had not consumed his daily water intake and needed to quinch his thirst. Poor Nurse Salt was the poor victim in this drinking.

Fact of the Day: The Sisters of Battle may be female!

Thought for the Issue: Pray that you never get another issue!PLEASE FEEL FREE TO FORWARD THIS MESSAGE TO ANYONE YOU WANT TO and make sure to pass the cost of the publication back to the publisher, FT Enterprises, 14 Starfleet Way, Pichardshire, Earth
[hr][size=20pt]
ISSUE 2[/size][hr]
Introducing the FT Gazzet!! second ever issue. RRP: whatever you can afford to pay me + £1

Story of the day: A new cultist group, believed to be called the "We Are Cultists Cause You Girly Idiots Thought So" or "WACCY-GITS" for short, are being hunted by the Inquisition. We do think that they will be brought to justice in a short while. We have no further information regarding this story at this time.

Additional story of the day: A Nurgle Marine passed wind.

Job Advert: Daemon Hosts wanted by Radical Inquisitor. See Inquisitor Enritch for further details - Rocall III.

Fact of the Day: Emperor's Children are believed to be selling strange substances to children.

Thought for the Issue: To die a moron is to know bliss, to die a Space Marine is to be hit by a lascannon.PLEASE FEEL FREE TO FORWARD THIS MESSAGE TO ANYONE YOU WANT TO and make sure to pass the cost of the publication back to the publisher, FT Enterprises, 18 Get Out of World Eatter's Way, Some Daemon World, Eye of Terror.
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ISSUE 3[/size][hr]
Introducing the FT Gazzet!! third ever issue. RRP: whatever you can afford to pay me + £1

Story of the Day: Ragnoff the Singer has just finished a tour when a Vindicare Assassin has believed to have missed Ragnoff by a small fraction. The Vindicare Assassin is currently being hunted because he is such a lousy shot.

Additional story of the day: A Nurgle Marine passed wind, again.

Job Advert: Sacrifices wanted by Emperor Children Traitor Marine Val the Evil. Please apply at secret base on Hulgar 7.

Fact of the Day: Do not sleep with Death Guard without using protection...

Thought for the Issue: Fear the Emperor or at least fear his Inquisition. PLEASE FEEL FREE TO FORWARD THIS MESSAGE TO ANYONE YOU WANT TO and make sure to pass the cost of the publication back to the publisher, FT Enterprises, 47 Minus Karma Close, Tau Online, The Web.
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ISSUE 4[/size][hr]
Introducing the FT Gazzet!! forth ever issue. RRP: whatever you can afford to pay me + £1

Story of the Day: The Tau from the planet of Sw'Ine, have been prosecuted by the Imperial courts today for creating a pig/Tau hybrid. Although these half breeds are twice as smart as a normal Tau, they are remarkly ugly and thought to walk like daemons.

Additional Story of the Day: Powered Suits Incorperated have created a wolf shaped suit of power armour. These are currently retailing on Fenris. Now includes tail attachment and wolf lead attachment.

Lost And Found: A Khorne Berserker seeks heavy chainaxe. It was last seen embedded in the back of a Dark Angel's head. Upon seeing this Dark Angel, do not worry about him killing you letting him knowing it's there. You should forus your attentions on removing the item in question, please make sure you let him know that you didn't put it there first. Upon returning, the Khorne Berserker will reward you with the full payment of the loss of your life.

Job Advert: Servitor required, mind blanking is not required and will be done at place of work.

Fact of the Day: A Tau Ethereal was thought to have been killed today by a Bloodthirster. However, many Tau were seen fleeing the scene and are considered suspects.

Thought for the Issue: A Fenrisan wolf is not just for Imperial Christmas but for life!PLEASE FEEL FREE TO FORWARD THIS MESSAGE TO ANYONE YOU WANT TO and make sure to pass the cost of the publication back to the publisher, FT Enterprises, 47 Minus Karma Close, Tau Online, The Web.
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ISSUE 5[/size][hr]

Because the FT Gazzet believes so strongly (Strength 7 none the less) in free press, this issue has been written by Restavien. Please feel free to pass ALL BAD critisms to Restavien, whilst all GOOD COMMENTS should come to me,

Story of the Day: An Imperial Fleet Commander was sucked down through the toilet bowl in deep-space because he forgot to stand before flushing.

Additional story of the day: As most of you probably heard, a Slaanesh Noise Marine passed wind.

Lonely husks hearts column: Tall, thin metallic gentlemen with deep deep green eyes (in curvy hollow sockets) seeks well-oiled stainless steel female, must be soulless.

Job Advert: Pooper Scooper needed to clean out rough-rider steeds stables. Must be able to work in any conditions *
*[size=5pt]Up to and including Death Worlds, Hive Worlds and Dead Worlds.[/size]

Fact of the Day: The Avatar has a fever, please remember him in your prayers/chants/incantaions.

Thought for the Issue: Mon-Keigh burgers from Ulth-donalds may contain traces of hair.PLEASE FEEL FREE TO FORWARD THIS MESSAGE TO ANYONE YOU WANT TO and make sure to pass the cost of the publication back to the publisher, FT Enterprises, 47 Minus Karma Close, Tau Online, The Web.
[hr][size=20pt]
ISSUE 6[/size][hr]
Introducing the FT Gazzet!! Sixth issue. RRP: whatever you can afford to pay me + £1 + £15 for postage and PMing...

Story of the Day: A new Space Marine Chapter have been Founded. This new Chapter goes by the name of The Gangstarrs. They have already begun training in a new mode of warfare. These involve drive by shootings, suicide bombings, bribery and back stabbings.

Additional Story of the Day: The pop star singer Holy Trinity of the Order of Singing Sisters was found doped up on drugs today. She was believed to have been given drugs by her Slaaneshi partner, Ungrim Ironfist of the Emperor's Children Legion.

Wanted: Chaos Slaanesh Lord seeks new Thunderhawk gunship to act as his personal transport. Must be possessed by Slaanesh daemon and come with at least 12 daemonettes as part of the bargin.

Advert: Fabius Bile has opened up shop today within the Eye of Terror. He now specialises in followers. Want an extra arm on your slave, or perhaps a new fun place for your concubine? then he can do it. Theres only a 90% chance that they'll turn against you.

Job Advert: Wolf groomer wanted on Fenris. Must be able to tame wild wolves and must be able to drink a lot of alcohol alongside their owners. Must also be willing to shovel wolf dung around for a day or two a week as well.

Advert: Have you been shot, have you had your arm chopped off. Then sue the person who did it. Just call 0800-I-SUE-THEM today. We promise that our fees are acceptable to most millionaires. If we don't win, your screwed because we'll still charge you.

Thought for the Issue: A tame Khorne Berserker is no-bodies "protection".PLEASE FEEL FREE TO FORWARD THIS MESSAGE TO ANYONE YOU WANT TO and make sure to pass the cost of the publication back to the publisher, FT Enterprises, 47 Minus Karma Close, Tau Online, The Web.
[hr][size=20pt]
ISSUE 7[/size][hr]
Introducing the FT Gazzet!! Seventh issue. RRP: whatever you can afford to pay me + £1 + £15 for postage and PMing...

Story of the Day: A new sniper rifle has entered service. Believed to have the strength to take out Land Raiders in a single shot, the new weapon is bound to go into production sometime in the 51st millennium. They are still trying to cut down on the recoil from the weapon because when it was test fired, it destroyed the target Leman Russ and the Land Raider behind the gunner.

Additional Story of the Day: A Kroot got food poisoning today after eating raw chicken at Kroot King. He is believed to be over the worst of it by now.

Competition: Identy these symbols:

Please see your local Inquisitor for your prize.

Job Advert: Living target wanted by the Tau. Must be power armoured and be willing to face upwards of 10 rail guns at a time.

Thought for the Issue: Bravery never proves anything, cowardice proves your clever enough to live again.PLEASE FEEL FREE TO FORWARD THIS MESSAGE TO ANYONE YOU WANT TO and make sure to pass the cost of the publication back to the publisher, FT Enterprises, 18 Ork Aven You, Waaaah On'Orkshire, Armageddon.
[hr][size=20pt]
ISSUE 8[/size][hr]
Introducing the FT Gazzet!! Eighth issue. RRP: whatever you can afford to pay me + £1 + £15 for postage and PMing...

Story of the Day: Guardsmen of the Swinesh-agga Regiment have been disbanded due to unlawful marriages involving animals.

Wanted: A Dark Eldar raiding party has been seen leaving the area of a night club where illegak drugs have been dispenced. Imperial officials are looking to execute the said Eldar for leaving the crime scene without briding the proper officials.

Additional Story: McImperial was shut down today because they were employing Death Guard in their kitchens.

Job Advert: A programmer is needed on Programmax. He must be able to write C+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++ , Java and Clam languages.

Thought for the Issue: The Emperor has no Children!
PLEASE FEEL FREE TO FORWARD THIS MESSAGE TO ANYONE YOU WANT TO and make sure to pass the cost of the publication back to the publisher, FT Enterprises, 47 Minus Karma Close, Tau Online, The Web.
[hr][size=20pt]
ISSUE 9[/size][hr]
Introducing the FT Gazzet!! Ninth issue. RRP: whatever you can afford to pay me + £1 + £15 for postage and PMing...

Story of the Day: The Imperium is unveiling it’s now Chaos God symbols at the Emperor’s Palace. They will replace the normal Chaos Symbols in all illegal literature and all Chaos worshippers must remove all marks of the previous symbols and tattoo the new ones onto their flesh asap.

Additional Story of the Day: The convent of the Sisters of the Order of the Raped Virgin was burned down today. Suspects include some Catachans Sentinels and some Chaos Space Marines. More news might follow in the next issue.

Technology News: A new chip was invented that will allow the Ybox to play all current formats including Playstation 300 games, Game Cudiod games, Gameboy 3D 4X games as well as Z-Cage games.

Advert: Collect Warhammer 80,000 models now. Current armies include Zenons (think Eldar), Haldul (think Tau) and Qualfans (think Orks). Also collect their bi-monthly magazine, Pink Dwarf. From all interplanetary newsagent rogue traders.

Job Advert: Magazine loader for autocannon wanted. Must be willing to work under constant death threats from Commissar and the CO. Wages are set at 4.15 Imperial Credits plus risk pay. Risk pay varies depending upon warzone.

Message from our sponsor (Necron Lord 0009): 0100011101100101011101000010000001111001[edited for space]

Message from our sponsor (Necron Lord 0008): 0101000001101100011000010111100100100000[edited for space]

Thought for the Issue: DNA from a Sister of Battle will no improve your attractiveness.
PLEASE FEEL FREE TO FORWARD THIS MESSAGE TO ANYONE YOU WANT TO and make sure to pass the cost of the publication back to the publisher, FT Enterprises, 47 Minus Karma Close, Tau Online, The Web.
[hr][size=20pt]
ISSUE 10[/size][hr]
This issue was written by Elf Boy.

Introducing the FT Gazzet!! Tenth issue. RRP: whatever you can afford to pay me + £1 + £15 for postage and PMing...

Story of the day: Harlequin play ‘Dance with No End’ goes public. The play famous in the elder realm goes public for the 1st time. Critics are feuding about the play. Ork Skulkruncha says “total garbage” while tau La’vara says “Very good, in a sleek and strange way.” La’vara was found dead that night with a choppa embedded into his back.

Wanted ads: Dark Eldar slave wanted. No requirements only that you can feel pain. Just tell them where you live and they’ll get you.

Obituaries: Farseer Levaris died yesterday by headache said to have been caused by trying to complete high school exams

Sports: The Dark Eldar team ‘Torture is going to vs. team ‘Maul’ on Monday with the loss of team Tortures team captain at the hands of the flesh beasts last week, this will be an interesting match indeed.

Lost and Found: Lost. Lightning claw of Horus. Black with gold trim and twin bolter attachment. If found please contact Abbadon the Despoiler at 665 pupil of scariness Ln. Reward of leading nurgle troops upon delivery (because Typhus just isn’t cutting it.).

Pet Adoption: Kroot hound looking for a good home, fully house trained, needs to be feed raw meat of any kind twice a day. Keep away from other animals and small people. It likes to feed on practically anything.

Classifieds: Necron #011000100110111101100010 selling stasis chamber/bed, only been used for a few millennia but works like new. Best sleep you'll ever have.

Thought for the issue: Pulling the main wires out of terminator armor can be very entertaining.
PLEASE FEEL FREE TO FORWARD THIS MESSAGE TO ANYONE YOU WANT TO and make sure to pass the cost of the publication back to the publisher, FT Enterprises, 47 Minus Karma Close, Tau Online, The Web.
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Old 23 Apr 2006, 06:50   #3 (permalink)
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Posts: 16,024
Default Re: 40k Humour [Image Heavy]

[size=20pt]ISSUE 11[/size][hr]
Introducing the FT Gazzet!! Eleventh issue. RRP: whatever you can afford to pay me + £1 + £15 for postage and PMing...

Story of the day: A Nurgle Marine entered a hospital today and farted, killing several hundred Imperial citizens. The Nurgle Marine is being hunted as I send this...

Wanted ads: Subaru Impreza WRXXXXXXXXIA wanted . Will pay 1,000 Imperial Credits. Please contact the Chapter Master of the Avenging Petrol Heads to sort out the terms of shipping.

Obituaries: Guardsmen of the Duboi Regiment are morning the loss of a Guardsmen Smith when his plasma pistol erupted into plasma. Foul play is possible, but unlikelty.

Wanted: 3 Wraithlords wanted by Farseer Ch'Eesy'G'It. Please contact the Craftworld of X'bani.

Sports News: Chimera racing was banned today on Cadia on grounds of "misusing of Imperial assets" and the underground black market it supports.

More Sports News: The Kroot Boxing Champion Krott was defeated by the newcomer, Krrrrrrot. A rematch was scheleduled for next week on the grounds of match fixing. Allegations of the usage of illegial power fists have spread around recently.

Message from Sponsor (Necron 00000003): 010100000111001001100001011110010[edited for space]

Thought for the issue: Hand bags at dawn is a valid means to dual between Sisters of Battle.
PLEASE FEEL FREE TO FORWARD THIS MESSAGE TO ANYONE YOU WANT TO and make sure to pass the cost of the publication back to the publisher, FT Illegial Racing Ring, Cadia...
[hr][size=20pt]
ISSUE 12[/size][hr]

Introducing the FT Gazzet!! Twelth issue. RRP: whatever you can afford to pay me + £1 + £15 for postage and PMing...

Story of the Day: the Khorne Berzerker Striker for Grill Madrid, David Hackum, has been arrested on charges of Sexual Misconduct and Violent Behaviour during a league game against the slaneshii team Arse'n'all. Not only did David(249) attempt to decapitate a defender on his way to the goal, but the moans of ecstasy that the defender emulated meant that David has been arrested pending further inquirys. The trial is set for two months time.

Fact of the Day: Eating Healthily Still Means You Die

Free Adverts: Darth Roo is still searching for Orks to join his WAAAAAGH. Apply at the Ork cave, near the Tyranid Hive. All applicants welcome, but must be able to prove Orkitude.

Additional Story of the Day: Commander Ivanaride was left out in the deserts of Tallarn today after several "Eldar" stole his command Chimera. It was later found out that the "Eldar" were not Eldar but in fact Orks that had planned to use the Chimera as a looted vehicle.

Court News: A World Eater was sentenced to death today after he was caught "red handed" after killing a Guardsmen.

Additional News: A cowardly Guard medic was shot today by his Commissar after he was caught killing more Guardsmen then he was saving. He was caught by the Commissar administering pain killer injections from the back of the battlefield with a sniper rifle using unmodified bullets. He thought, or so he told the Commissar, that by dipping the shells in the pain killer, he could administer it from afar.

Message from Sponsor (Necron 00000003):

Thought for the issue: To think is to know how to serve, to serve is to think for your master.
PLEASE FEEL FREE TO FORWARD THIS MESSAGE TO ANYONE YOU WANT TO and make sure to pass the cost of the publication back to the publisher, FT Publishing, Eldar Outta My Way, Iunsan, Eye of Terror
Introducing the FT Gazzet!! Thirteenth Black Crusade issue. RRP: whatever you can afford to pay me + £1 + the cost of a lightning claw (I need protection)...

Story of the Day: The Eldar Wraithlord quintet was arrested by Imperial Inquisitors today after claims of being too powerful. Despite repeated protests from their attendant Warlocks, the four Wraithlords are due to appear in a specially built court room that needs to be tall enough to fit them in. Time for completion of such a court room is estimated to take several centuries at the rate that the Imperial Conscript legion builds things on Build'it'slow Prime.

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ISSUE 13[/size][hr]
Fact of the Day: Illegal drugs have been reclassified as legal drugs on Slaania.

Loenly Hearts: Necron 678 wants seeks lonely transistor radio on Gantos 8. See Necron Lord 153 for his address.

Additional Story of the Day: The Demon Doer's Chapter was arrested today following accusations of Slaaneshi rituals taking place within their banquet halls. Proof needs to be collected from the halls but the Demon Doer's are refusing the Inquisition entry.

Court News: An Eldar was be-headed today in court. He slipped on his shoe lace and had his head taken off by the attendant Space Marine Veteran Sergeant with power weapon. The Veteran Sergeant then proceeded to plea guilty to the charge of Eldar slaughter.

Additional News: A new law was passed on Lawmakers III, banning the use of all weapons of war. The native Ork population will be forced to comply through the use of toothpicks.
PLEASE FEEL FREE TO FORWARD THIS MESSAGE TO ANYONE YOU WANT TO and make sure to pass the cost of the publication back to the publisher, FT Publishing, Amanda Hugbkiss way, Slaaneshire.
[hr][size=20pt]
ISSUE 14[/size][hr]
Introducing the FT Gazzet!! Fourteenth tissue. RRP: whatever you can afford to pay me + £1 + the cost of some Incubi (I still need some more protection)

Story of the Day: Several oranges were ambushed by the Catachan's as they were incorrectly deployed in the deserts of Tallarn to fight some Orks that escape from Mad'Oc Orcskeeper. If the oranges hadn't of surrendered, the Catachans would of died of thirst.

Fact of the Day: Twelve Eldar died in a failed mind war by Farseer Twitchy'mind. Fact of the story, never leave home without a collar of Khorne, psychic hood or similar psychic protection...

Loenly Hearts: Chaos Lord Absol'shite wants to meet other Nurgle Lordess for a little transaction of contaminated fluids. Please apply on the Termest Est.

Additional Story of the Day: The Sisterhood of the Emperor's Children were all killed today as they were believed to have connections with the Emperor's Children of Space Marines.

Court News: Halo 76 was released without charge for inciting the anti-Emperor riots one Galdon Prime, Sallind Secondus and Ul 3. The game features actual footage of the Emperor ascending into the Golden Throne, and that you get to kill the Emperor for treachery against the Master Chief.
PLEASE FEEL FREE TO FORWARD THIS MESSAGE TO ANYONE YOU WANT TO and make sure to pass the cost of the publication back to the publisher, FT Publishing.
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ISSUE 15[/size][hr]
Introducing the FT Gazzet!! Fifthteenth issue. RRP: I dunno, you tell me!

Story of the Day: The computer rooms of the Mars station Ultan Beta-4 were infected by a mysterious virus today. It mysteriously copied hundreds of files noto the main server which contained amongst other things: Andriod porn, credit card details for the Emperor, Mars Pattern Warhound Titan blueprints, the real age of Cher and the specs for the latest Porsche 911 Turbo GT 565.

Fact of the Day: Baseball caps outlawed due to their "coolness" factor on a number of Imperial worlds. Baseball caps were also used by a number of Imperial Guardsmen instead of standard issue helmets. Some fear they may even prove to give more protection then standard issue Guard helmets.

Lonely Hearts: Several Techpriest Enginseers on Mars are seeking female servitors. Must come complete with Windows 4000 and have female sockets.

Additional Story of the Day: The catterys on Rabbies'Infested were subjected to a strange virus that turned all the cats into strange dog like creatures. These creatures then turned on the kennel masters and begun eating cat food AND dog food. They are awaiting the Space Wolves to arrive to pick up the Rabbies'Infested Wolves.
PLEASE FEEL FREE TO FORWARD THIS MESSAGE TO ANYONE YOU WANT TO and make sure to pass the cost of the publication back to the publisher, FT Publishing.
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ISSUE 16[/size][hr]
Introducing the FT Gazzet!! Sixteenth issue. RRP: All the gold in fort Noxx

Story of the Day: The milk factory of Milken Minor have stopped work today after the sub-human workers there started a strike for more pay. They want the current mimimum wage for mutants change from £0.01 per hour to £0.10 per hour. This 1000% increase has shocked farmer owners and it may effect the price of milk in all neighbouring sectors, causing them to skyrocket. The Imperium has responded by slaying all the farm workers and have installed in their place a new Convent of Sisters of Battle. The new brand of milk, called "Sisters Love" will start production immediatally.

Fact of the Day: The Imperial Guardsmen of the Hydan 8 were attacked by hundreds of Vampires created after a genetic virus was led out into the wild. These Vampires are true to form and hate garlic and lasguns have been fitted with UV light filters and the Guardsmen have started on a diet of garlic pills and have been encouraged to fart in the visinity of the Vampires. Their new slogan inspite of this is now "Silent but deadly!"

Lonely Hearts: Logan Grimnar is seeking the company of a good Frenrisian wolf after his previous wolf was killed at the hands of the Black Legion, formerly known as the Lunar Wolves. The new wolve must be able to bite through doors and be willing to wear puffy pink pants at night time.

Additional Story of the Day: Hundreds of printers were seized today as the Inquisitors of the Ordo Printus were tipped off that they were printing Imperial counter-fit currency. There are no clues as to who might of ordered such a mass-production of the currency.

2nd Additional Story of the Day: Last night, "miracle-grow" hair restorer was tipped over the M8 on Terra. The Adeptus Custodes are combing the area.

3rd Additional Story of the Day: Yesterday, at midday, a Adeptus Arbite K-9 patrol team was ambushed by gangers in the UnderHive. The Arbites were killed but the K-9's where taken. The Arbites that found the scene looked scene over but found no leads.
PLEASE FEEL FREE TO FORWARD THIS MESSAGE TO ANYONE YOU WANT TO and make sure to pass the cost of the publication back to the publisher, FT Publishing.
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ISSUE 17[/size][hr]
Introducing the FT Gazzet!! Seventeenth ever issue. RRP: 200 Imperial credits

Story of the Day: The world of Gemon was ruled excommunicate traitorous today by the Adeptus Ministratum. They refused to pay the appropraite tithes and taxes as dictated by Imperial law and the Space Marine Chapter of the Sisters to the Emperor have been dispatched to the world to begin eradication predeedings.

Lonely Hearts: Land Raider from the Ultramarines Chapter seeks cute little Predator for coffee and lug nuts. Applicants please give notice to Techmarine Perciuious Ignard Marchon Pussison about the aformented machine marriage.

Additional Story of the Day: Michaelle Packson was arrested today for kiddie fiddling. The Emperor Children Marine was caught having sexual relations with a minor chaos power and is awaiting execution.

2nd Additional Story of the Day: The Eldar singer, Jain Zar has given her last concert today. The young singer, who is only 38,000,000 Eldar years old has given up singing for good as her secret life as a Phoenix Lord was revealed today to the Eldar public. Strangely, it has only taken the Eldar 28,000,000 years to figure out that the singer, Jain Zar was the Howling Banshee Phoenix Lord Jain Zar.

3rd Additional Story of the Day: Drug dealers on Talkon III have escaped an Arbite sting that was set up outside the Talkon III FT Gazzet seller stand. The gang of drug dealers, known as FT's G*ts were alerted to the sting and failed to pick up issue 15 of the Gazzet. Could anyone in the Tri-county area please give the FT G*ts a copy of this gazzet.
PLEASE FEEL FREE TO FORWARD THIS MESSAGE TO ANYONE YOU WANT TO and make sure to pass the cost of the publication back to the publisher, FT Publishing.
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ISSUE 18[/size][hr]
Introducing the FT Gazzet!! Eighteenth point five issue. RRP: Several Eldar Guardians for me to feed to my dog

Story of the Day: One the backwater world of Vamps, the Vampire team of Necbiters won a Blood Ball league game against the visiting team of Eldar Guardians. Despite a valient defence mounted by the Eldar star player, Wraithlord Athag'Jain (trans. face of silence), the Vampires managed to secure a win.

Job Opportunities: Toilet cleaner wanted to clean out the Emperor's toilet. Must be able to work in Terminator armour, and must be able to defend against all manor of enemies, including daemons. Apply at the Imperial palace.

For Sale: 2 Xbox controllers, slightly damaged. Previous owners (a pair of Khorne Berserkers) are looking to sell what remains of their Xbox and their games after they could not win a race in Need for Speed Underground 8.

Job Opportunities: 5 Eldar Guardians are required to work for a Blood Ball team. Must be strong of build, thick of head and willing to face opponents such as Ogres, Wraithlords and even the savage Orks. They must also be willing to train with Wraithlord Athag'Jain. Therefore, they must not be a wraithophobe.
PLEASE FEEL FREE TO FORWARD THIS MESSAGE TO ANYONE YOU WANT TO and make sure to pass water.
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ISSUE 19[/size][hr]
Introducing the FT Gazzet!! Nineteenth issue. RRP: A battallion of Leman Russ Demolishers for me to do as I please.

Story of the Day: A Guard Regiment originating from Terrax Prime have been found dead this morning on Duedad 3. It is believed that they all committed suicide as the regiment is renowned for it's grim view of cowardice. It is also believed that a Dark Eldar army who uses terror tactics was the last to fight the Guard regiment and evidence was uncovered just two minutes ago that all the gun shot wounds were self inflicted.

Job Opportunities: Toilet cleaner wanted on Nocturne. Must be able to survive on high gravity worlds, must be used to volcanos, earthquakes and willing to clean the waste of the Adeptus Astartes from the walls after a kegger night. Catachans are more then welcome to apply.

For Sale: Mercenaries, Galactic Playgound video game has had one good owner. Will accept credit notes, 2nd hand Chimeras and even a Blood hound as part exchange.

Job Opportunities: Cult worshippers wanted on Daemon worlds. Must serve Khorne, and be willing to die at a seconds notice. Pay is minimum Khorne wage (i.e. two bowls of food a day and several beatings) and for those who wish to apply, send your CV's to Lord Arnell at L.Arnell@Iunsan.daemon.herectic.com.

Craftworld of Sale: Slight user damage, infinity circuit intact and with full compliment of spirits. Must be willing to fight the squatters already there, who are believed to be Eldar. For those who wish to barter for this valuable and very rare item, please contact Ahriman of the Thousand Sons, location unknown. Will not accept anything other then several whole systems or a fleet of battleships as part exchange.
PLEASE FEEL FREE TO FORWARD THIS MESSAGE TO ANYONE YOU WANT TO and make sure to pass water, regularly.
[hr][size=20pt]
ISSUE 20[/size][hr]
Introducing the FT Gazzet!! Twentith issue. RRP: Whatever you can give me!

Story of the Day: Daemons have assaulted the primary garrison on Holdon III. Believed to be of all varieties, these daemons have raped (clearly Slaaneshi ones there), killed (Khorne), given viruses (Nurgle) and blasted the walls with copper coins (damned Tzeentch and their bolt of change!). Last report was from the Captain of the garrision who has reported that he has ordered the Guardsmen back into the inner garrison and are drawing short straws to see who gets look out duty...

Advertisement: A new drink is hitting the Imperial shelves this week. Named Inquis-cola, the need drink is said to be created from the ashes of two Primarchs and the bones of countless Inquisitors. Clearly an aquired taste and that the business creating the drink will surely be out of business not before long since both the Ultramarines and the Salamanders have been wondering who has stolen their sacred urns filled with the ashes of their Primarches.

Advertisement: Grand Theft Auto: Imperial City hits the shelves this week. In this futuristic game, you play as Tommy Kisseti and you have to run an underground Cult and keep it away from the Inquisition. Features quoted as it having include a Slaaneshi stim injector to allow the players to feel what the character feels during the game, and the ability to steal virtually everything that is capable of being stolen, including Arbite Chimeras, Imperial Land Speeders, the odd Grav-Tank and even the deadly and tall Warhound Titans are up for grabs for anyone who is insane or daring enough to attack it's feet.

Job Opportunities: Dead End Pass wants rogue trader to supply to Tau. Must be able to smuggle alien technology back through Imperial space and have clean space license. Experience is not needed as full training is provided to the right candidate.

Book Auction: On Digarn, the entire world is having a massive book sale and auction. Included amongst the many items are a long lost and ancient version of Harry Potty, and the Chamberpot of Secrets, Harry Potter, the Dead Muggles Mystery, Angels of Lightness and the complete Manual for Adobe Photoshop 3,000!
PLEASE FEEL FREE TO FORWARD THIS MESSAGE TO ANYONE YOU WANT TO and make sure to pass water, regularly.
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Old 23 Apr 2006, 06:51   #4 (permalink)
Ethereal
 
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Default Re: 40k Humour [Image Heavy]

[size=20pt]ISSUE 21[/size][hr]
Introducing the FT Gazzet!! Twenty-first issue. RRP: Hmm, what to ask for...

Books News and Adverts: Ahriman of the Thousand Sons seeks "Tome of Forbidden Knowledge" by the author "Lucy Heretic".
Also Emperor's Children Aspiring Champion Fag'Eatta gets his works published, "the Twelve Steps to A Sister's Heart." This book, believed to be a real life account of how to woo a Sister of Battle and secure her away from her order is going on sale March 5th. Get your copy now as it will only be available in limited numbers and only in book places in the Eye of Terror.

Advertisement: Tired?Lonely? Wanting some sweet loving? Then get your very own Love Sentinel. Comes complete with forty attachments, including rubbing plates, tight leather harnesses and lubrication sprayers! Fun for all the family. Not recommended for children. Result may vary...

News: Dark Eldar hit the streets today on the Imperial world of Sodalltocomeherefor. After terrorising the local populations with their vile wickedness, they seemingly vanished, only to descend upon the poor sisters of the local convent and capture every last one alive. For what vile acts they'll perform, we can only guess. News on this top story, will follow.

Job Opportunities: Need cash, then join the PDF today! For only one day a week, you can become a fully trained solider. Learn to shoot a lasgun, what is the true meaning of a commissar is and face down the enemies of Mankind like you've never done before. Conditions apply. See your local recruitment office for conditions and terms to the contract. If war breaks out, you may be called upon to die at the commanders orders.

Latest News: The company known as Sony has released their new MP99 players. Believed to come in capacities as large as 2 mb, the player will hold 2,000 songs. Unfortunatally, the latest reports state that it shall no sell that well since the size of the MP99 player is about the size of a corn snake's brain, and therefore rendering it very hard to operate.
PLEASE FEEL FREE TO FORWARD THIS MESSAGE TO ANYONE YOU DON'T WANT TO and make sure to pass water, regularly.

[size=20pt]ISSUE 22[/size][hr]
Introducing the FT Gazzet!! Twenty-second issue. Recommended Reseller Price: Nothing, cause it cost you nothing to get...

Product News: PC manufacturer Dell releases their latest line in computers. The new range, dubbed "WNWAAPC" by Dell officials is based on a brand new chip, that is itself based upon the living brain of a dog. Unfortunatally, we have reviewed the new range, and we have this to say: "The WNWA is a steaming pile of dog excrement and the initials must really mean Will Not Work As A PC."
Unfortunatally, there have been increasing reports of PC's urinating on desks, making barking noises and leaping onto peoples laps.

Obitchuaries: Cher finally died today at the grand old age of several millennia. Now we're just waiting for the cockroaches to die out...

News: Commissar Cain, has reportedly been killed today. Jurgen, his trusty aide and believed blank, died also. They were nearly revived by Farseer U'Kaked'On'My'Foot'Again, but because Jurgen was in the viscinity, the Eldar mind shunt failed.

Job Opportunities: Need cash, then join the PDF today! For only one day a week, you can become a fully trained solider. Learn to shoot a lasgun, what is the true meaning of a commissar is and face down the enemies of Mankind like you've never done before. Conditions apply. See your local recruitment office for conditions and terms to the contract. If war breaks out, you may be called upon to die at the commanders orders.

Job Opportunites: Don't fancy having your organs any more? Sell them to the Slaaneshi Black Market and make money whilst your doing it! In fact, sell your wives organs whilst your at it. Results may vary. Payment may not come. Death may result.

PLEASE FEEL FREE TO FORWARD THIS MESSAGE TO ANYONE YOU WANT TO and have a Khorne day...

[size=20pt]ISSUE 23[/size][hr]

Introducing the FT Gazzet!! Twenty-third ever issue. RRP: whatever you can afford to pay me + £1

Story of the day: A Tau Aun'O was killed today when his Devilfish blew up as he attempted to board the alien craft. Several Fire Warriors were also killed in the blast which many believe to be of Imperial Guard in origin. Several Catachans were seen fleeing from the area shourtly after the event and were later identified as Demolition Charge Team Theta-3. The Tau are pressing charges against the Catachans involved and expect to have them blow up in about thirty seconds.

Recruitment: Fancy taking up needle-point? Wanna try out cross-stitching? Well then get your sorry ass down to the local Imperial Guard recruitment office, or failing that, your local Tau camp for some top-notch field training.

Job Advert: Eldar Wraithlord watcher required. Must be willing to stand for days, be alert and be willing to spill own blood for the job. Other duties including playing gentle music to the sleeping giants and acting as target practice when not in battle.

Job Advert: Thousand Sons are seeking humans to act as thrall wizards. Perks of job include being labelled a traitor, walking around all day with your master and getting paid little more then just food. Draw backs of job include being shot at, must be willing to take a hit instead of your master and the willingness to die for your master. No experience required. Average life span of Thral Wizard 3.5 turns.

Thought for the Issue: Look to your Commissar for guidance and run when he runs!

PLEASE FEEL FREE TO FORWARD THIS MESSAGE TO ANYONE YOU WANT TO and make sure to pass the cost of the publication back to the publisher, FT Enterprises, 18 Get Out of World Eatter's Way, Some Daemon World, Eye of Terror.

[size=20pt]ISSUE 24[/size][hr] NEW
Introducing the FT... ++Transmission Interrupted: Rerouting Communications Relay. Begin Transmission.++

Introducing the All-father's Gazzet! RRP: Twenty-two pounds of Nougat and your soul, if you still have it after all those GW minis you just bought.

Top story: The Tau Online Corporation went through further growth this month, releasing a new candybar affectionately know as the "Ten Pounder". The CEO comments: "We like to keep a good level of unhealthiness in our customers so they keep coming back. Because they can't get off the couch." The TO Corporation is also planning a revolutionary new type of Online shopping, their main pitch is that the shopper does not need to get up and answer the door.

Interview: God celebrated his birthday last week, and the All-father's Gazzet was entitled to an exclusive interview!
Q: Being God, an omnipresent and omnipotent being, how do you deal with the daily grind?
God: I have a special blend of herbs and spices that keep me going through the day.

Q: And what is this "special blend"?
God: Lets just say that if you were to try it, your head would implode with such force that a singularity would form; resulting in the destruction of your planet.

Q: Let's talk a little bit about your Creation. How did you get the idea for all of this?
God: Well, I woke up one morning and thought: Gee, its a wee bit dark in here. So the lights came on. But you still couldn't see anything, because there wasn't anything to see. So then I thought: Gee its a wee bit empty in here. And the universe was created in one fell swoop. Just like that. And of course, it can be destroyed just as easily. But then I'd be bored again, so you're safe for now.

Q: Well, we're almost out of time. How about one more question before we leave you. Who is the most beautiful woman in all of your creation?
God: Well, that's a toughy. And I don't really think I can answer that. Because if I did, your head might explode. I will say: You'll know her when you see her. Its all relative you see.

Advertisement: Feeling lonely? Warp Space Blues getting you down? Then head on over to Slaithe's Slaaneshi Sushi Bar! Its an intense experience no matter which way you cut it! (Warning. Side effects of Slaithe's Slaaneshi Sushi Bar may include but are not limited to: Nausea, Indigestion, mysterious lesions, unexpected feelings of intense pleasure, and possible death. Please enjoy responsibly)

Breaking News: Riots have been reported in downtown New London. Details are still shoddy at the moment, but it is believed that the residents do not want a Dunkin Donuts to take over. We bring you now live with our reporter in the field, Shep Shappydoo... ++Transmission Interrupted: Reverting to Original Transmission.++

We now return you to your regularly scheduled Chainaxe Suppository.

[size=20pt]ISSUE 25[/size][hr] NEW
Introducing the FT Gazzet!! twenty-fifth ever issue. RRP: whatever you can afford to pay me + some snake food.

Story of the day: A new virus has been discovered. It is believed that it is being spread by Slaaneshi worshippers and is transmitted though se*ual contact. The Imperium believes that unless they find a cure, all Slaaneshi forces will be wiped out by the 42nd Millennium. They are looked for this cure because without Slaanesh, the Imperial Guard would not have anyone interesting to fight.

Recruitment: Want a sniper rifles and a black suit? Join the Vindicare assassins. Excellent shots only. Life expectancy is believed to be low.

Advert: Want to ride your ass? Go to the beaches on Alpha Centurie and ride on your very own donkey!

Technology News: New eighty-core processor created. Believed to 1/80th times faster then the present seventy-nine core processors.

Thought for the Issue: Tzeentch will change your life.

PLEASE FEEL FREE TO FORWARD THIS MESSAGE TO ANYONE YOU WANT TO and make sure to pass your exams, FT Enterprises, 18 Get Out of World Eatter's Way, Your Back Garden, Eye of Terror.
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Old 12 Jan 2007, 03:16   #5 (permalink)
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Join Date: Nov 2006
Location: Nashville TN not originaly though
Posts: 1,879
Default Re: 40k Humour

In an attempt to attract a different auidiance MTV today recently announced a bold new show. Fashioned after "pimp my ride" "cheese my army" will debut this fall during primetime.
The wargamming crowd was outraged by this as one indignant person said outside his hobby store. "it is horrible why would they do this to us. This show will encourage powergaming and help would-be-powegamers."

PM comments to me I will make more if I get some positive feedback.
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Old 18 Jan 2008, 08:08   #6 (permalink)
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Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: mullion,cornwall
Posts: 273
Default Re: 40k Humour

Things you'll never see in the 40k universe:
A night lord sunbaving
A fat deamonette
A puffy ork
The emperor actualy getting of his toilet seat and doing something.
A games workshop ;D (lol)
Red skinned tau.
Squats!
Will update later :P :P
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Old 31 Mar 2008, 04:24   #7 (permalink)
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Default Vanilla Marines

I read this on a forum some years ago:

My friend always calls the Ultra Marines the Vanilla Marines. My attitude is that you shouldn't insult Vanilla Ice Cream like that!
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Old 11 Apr 2008, 14:22   #8 (permalink)
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Join Date: Aug 2005
Posts: 1,803
Default Re: Vanilla Marines

Quote:
Originally Posted by wilddrawfour
I read this on a forum some years ago:

My friend always calls the Ultra Marines the Vanilla Marines. My attitude is that you shouldn't insult Vanilla Ice Cream like that!
So are the Dark Angels the chocolate marines, complete with Force Commander George Clinton leading his Bop Gunner command squad into action?
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Old 04 May 2008, 22:17   #9 (permalink)
Shas'La
 
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Posts: 346
Default Re: 40k Humour

Of course, the Imperial Guard are often the butt of 40k jokes, such as:

What do you call a Lasgun with a flashlight mounted on it?
A twin-linked lasgun.
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Old 04 May 2008, 22:26   #10 (permalink)
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Default Re: 40k Humour

Jebus that's a lot...
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