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40k Humour
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Old 27 May 2008, 07:10   #31 (permalink)
Shas'Ui
 
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Default Re: 40k Humour

Quote:
Originally Posted by GWIZZ
Found a link with a lot of 40k jokes (10 uses for squad banners is funny)
http://forums.relicnews.com/archive/...p/t-28080.html

Theres a lot of stuff there
Quote:
Dark Angels at the movies.

(Movie theater. Various normal people sitting around, waiting for the
movie to begin. Doors open, and Azrael, Ezekiel and Asmodai of the
Dark Angels enter. They make their way to an empty row)
AZRAEL- Brothers, come! We shall sit here, in a row that is free of heretics and accursed alien filth!
EZEKIEL- Thou art correct, Brother. I sense no tainted mind of Chaos within this row!
ASMODAI- Come Brothers! Let us be seated!
(They all sit down. Their massive power-armoured forms block the view
of seven people behind them)
AZRAEL- Alas!
ASMODAI- Brother, what is thy concern?
AZRAEL- In our foolish rush, we have forgotten to purchase
refreshments!
ASMODAI- Dost thou wish to repent and seek forgiveness, Brother
Azrael?
EZEKIEL- Come Brothers, calm thyselves! There is still time!
AZRAEL- I shall take a squad of Marines to the refreshment area,
where we will purchase food and drink, which we shall consume for the
duration of this motion picture!
ASMODAI- Wait Brother! We still require local currency!
AZRAEL- Blessed be thy quick mind Asmodai! I shall empty my pockets
for local currency!
(Azrael empties his robe pockets)
AZRAEL- Emperor's blood... I have only enough to purchase strong
monkish ale for but one of us!
EZEKIEL- Fear not Brother, for we too shall empty our pockets!
(They all empty their pockets)
ASMODAI- Praise be Him on Terra! We have enough of this crude local
currency to purchase strong monkish ale for us all!
EZEKIEL- But wait! What about nourishment?
AZRAEL- Aye, in the form of heavily salted popped corn!
ASMODAI- We have not enough to purchase such decandant luxuries!
AZRAEL- Thou art correct Asmodai. But enough idle prattle! I go now
to purchase strong monkish ale!
(Azrael stands up, but begins to struggle)
EZEKIEL- Brother Azrael, what is wrong?
AZRAEL- Uuurgh... c-can't move... feet stuck... to f-floor! Urgh!
ASMODAI- Alas, he is being held by arcane and blasphemeous Chaos
sorcery!
AZRAEL- Some sort of... urrgh... strange adhesive... coating m-my
armour! Aaargh!
EZEKIEL- Brother, arm thyself! We must free our beloved Chapter
Master from this foul embrace of Chaos!
(Ezekiel and Asmodai arm their bolters. Azrael suddenly breaks free
on the chewing gum that had stuck to the soles of his boots)
AZRAEL- Hold thy fire Brothers! I have broken free!
ASMODAI- Truly our Chapter Master is blessed by the Lion and the
Emperor of Terra, may His light never die!
AZRAEL- We shall have time to rejoice later Brother, for I still
must...
EZEKIEL- Brother Azrael! The motion picture has started!
AZRAEL- Curses! Then I must make haste, immediately! Our parched
gullets depend on my swiftness!
ASMODAI- Then hurry Brother! With all haste! Emperor be with you!
AZRAEL- Many thanks Brother! I go now... TO PURCHASE STRONG MONKISH
ALE!
ALL- UNTIL THE SWORD IS REFORGED!!!
(People in the back row begin to throw popcorn at them)
EZEKIEL- Brothers, take cover! We are under fire!
ASMODAI- Arm thyselves! Prepare to return fire! We shall cleanse
their souls with righteous bolter fire!
AZRAEL- Die heretic filth!!!
(They open fire and massacre the people in the back row. In the row
in front of them, CYPHER and LUTHER)
LUTHER- (points back over shoulder) See? THAT'S why I turned to Chaos...
CYPHER- My sentiments exactly... (turns to face the three Dark
Angels) WILL YOU THREE SHUT UP!!!
AZRAEL, EZEKIEL AND ASMODAI- Emperor's bones! Cypher, the Fallen One!
REPENT, FOR TOMORROW YOU...
CYPHER- yeah, yeah, blah blah blah...
(A WATCHER pops up from nowhere, steals Cypher's popcorn and runs off)
CYPHER- Why you little-!
(WATCHER giggles sadistically and runs out of the cinema)
CYPHER- Curse you, you damn Jawa-wannabe!!!
(CYPHER pulls out plasma pistol and bolt pistol and sprays fire
around randomly, slaughtering people)
LUTHER- Cypher, jeez, it's just popcorn, and besides, the damn things
are invulnerable...
CYPHER- Raaaaaaargh!!!
(Azrael whips out combi-plasma and places it point-blank to Cypher's
forehead)
AZRAEL- Die, Fallen One!
CYPHER- You do realise I'll only truly die if the divine power that
protects me rolls three ones...
(Azrael fires. Cypher is blown apart. Luther looks on, amused)
LUTHER- Well, whaddya know? Guess Cypher wasn't so lucky after all...
(Ezekiel and Asmodai pull out force sword and crozius respectively
and loom over Luther)
EZEKIEL AND ASMODAI- REPENT, TRAITOR!!! FOR TOMORROW YOU DIE!!!
LUTHER- ... Wait a minute.
AZRAEL, ASMODAI AND EZEKIEL- WHAT IS IT, FOUL ONE SPEAK SWIFTLY, FOR
YOUR TIME IS...
LUTHER- Shut it. I was wondering, about that "Repent for tomorrow you
die" thing...
AZRAEL- It is our sacred battlecry!
LUTHER- Yes, but technically, if you are to adhere to your battlecry,
you should come back tomorrow and kill me tomorrow, which is kinda
silly really, since you've just sort of warned me and given me some
sort of advantage, as I can stay out your way tomorrow.
AZRAEL- Shut up! Shut up!
LUTHER- Furthermore, if you shout that battlecry EVERY TIME you are
about to do battle with someone, doesn't that mean that you can never
kill anyone? I mean, take now for instance. You say, "Repent, for
tomorrow you die", correct? Now, if you do track me down tomorrow,
you would have to shout your battlecry again; "Repent, for tomorrow
you die", so you couldn't attack me then either. And so on and so on
and so on.
EZEKIEL- (downcast) You've just mutilated the battlecry we've been
happily using for ten millennia...
ASMODAI- That's soooo meeeean!!!
LUTHER- And what's up with the dresses!? The old Dark Angels never
wore dresses!
AZRAEL- They are our holy robes...
LUTHER- Damn it, I don't even want to be the Great Fallen One of a
damn transvestite chapter!
I wonder if the Ultramarines could recruit me as some sort of arch-
enemy of old? At least they don't wear dressing gowns into battle!
EZEKIEL- If I can just make a point...
LUTHER- Just get out of my sight. You're scum. I don't even want to
look at you.
ASMODAI- But Sir...
LUTHER- SPEAK WHEN YOU'RE SPOKEN TO, MONK BOY!!! Now, get out.
(Azrael, Asmodai and Ezekiel shuffle out of the cinema. Luther
settles back in his seat and rests his feet on a Watcher in the Dark)
LUTHER- Thank Chaos for that.
TWO WEEKS LATER, THE EMPEROR'S THRONEROOM...
ADEPTUS CUSTODES- Lord God Imperator?
THE BIG GUY- Yeeeeeeeesss...?
ADEPTUS CUSTODES- (hands the Throne Geezer a piece of paper) The Dark
Angels wish to hand in their letter of resignation...
THE BIG GUY- WTF!!?
ADEPTUS CUSTODES- Apparently they've had rather a strict talking-to
and they've just had enough of being bullied really. They want to
quit.
THE BIG GUY- BY MY GOLDEN TOILET, THEY CANNOT SIMPLY QUIT!!!
ADEPTUS CUSTODES- Oh, they did kill Cypher though...
THE BIG GUY- Ah well, guess no rebirth for me... and I really wanted
to be the Star Child too...

THE END
genius... ;D
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Old 27 May 2008, 19:12   #32 (permalink)
Shas'El
 
Join Date: Nov 2007
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Posts: 2,731
Default Re: 40k Humour

++Brother captain Avius to the ultramarines' fresh 10th company recruits++

Now brothers, you have been chosen to fight in the name of the Emperor, because of this you could die at any time so live life to the full as if every day were your last

++Sound ident-crying--origin-space marine scouts++

Avius-By the Emperor, why are you all whining?
Recruit-Because we're going to die today

++Sound ident-Brother captain Avius hitting his head against a wall++
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Old 30 May 2008, 21:05   #33 (permalink)
Shas'La
 
Join Date: Aug 2007
Location: England
Posts: 269
Default Re: 40k Humour

Good ways to get yourself killed in the 40k universe. (In funny situations)

Try and convince an inquisitor that the Chaos Gods aren't that bad
Shout "NOOB!!!" at an Ultramarine
Tell the emporer that the Horus Heresy was the funniest event in history
Tell any loyal human that the Horus Heresy was the funniest event in history
Have a staring contest with Slaanesh
Insult an Emporers Children's "Manly" Pink armor
Shout "I'm a heretic" at a GK Dreadnought
Deep Strike into a forest
Challenge a Vindicare assassin to a Sniping contest
Join the Imperial Guard
Tell a Khorne beserker to calm down
Annoy a Titan Crew
Headbutt a Chaos Space Marine

Thats all I can think of for now.

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Old 31 May 2008, 20:17   #34 (permalink)
Shas'El
 
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Default Re: 40k Humour

Tell an ork hes a weakling
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Old 03 Jun 2008, 22:40   #35 (permalink)
Shas'Ui
 
Join Date: Jan 2007
Location: U.S.A New Mexico
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Send a message via Yahoo to orkkrusher
Default Re: 40k Humour

Quote:
Originally Posted by GWIZZ
Good ways to get yourself killed in the 40k universe. (In funny situations)

Try and convince an inquisitor that the Chaos Gods aren't that bad
Shout "NOOB!!!" at an Ultramarine
Tell the emporer that the Horus Heresy was the funniest event in history
Tell any loyal human that the Horus Heresy was the funniest event in history
Have a staring contest with Slaanesh
Insult an Emporers Children's "Manly" Pink armor
Shout "I'm a heretic" at a GK Dreadnought
Deep Strike into a forest
Challenge a Vindicare assassin to a Sniping contest
Join the Imperial Guard
Tell a Khorne beserker to calm down
Annoy a Titan Crew
Headbutt a Chaos Space Marine

Thats all I can think of for now.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Mr X
Tell an ork hes a weakling
I would like to add 8 more to the list..........
1. Moon a terminator squad.
2. Call a 'Big Boss' he's short.
3. TP the Emperor's Palace.
4. Play hide and seek in a necron crypt.
5. Play tag with a commisar (you have to tag him and run away).
6. Call shadowsun a 'he'.
7. Give marneus calgar a prostate check.
8. Tell a sister of battle they need to lose weight.

Snip to avoid duplication- Funny, but that was already posted on page 2 of the thread- Fish Ead
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Old 05 Jun 2008, 04:56   #36 (permalink)
Shas'La
 
Join Date: Jun 2008
Posts: 359
Default Re: 40k Humour

Okay, so this guardsmen is in combat against Chaos and he's running around when he runs into a chaos space marine.
"Wait don't kill me," yells the guardsmen.
"Why not?" asks the Chaos space marine.
"Because if you don't i'll show you a trick," responds the guardsmen.
"Fine," grumbles the marine.
So the guardsmen pulls out a cigar and puts it in his mouth. Than he takes his lasrifle and puts the barrel up to the cigar and pulls the trigger, lighting the cigar.
"That's nothing, I can do that," yells the marine.
So the guardsmen gives him a cigar. The chaos marine puts it in his mouth and puts his weapon to the cigar. Than he pulls the trigger...............and blows of his head with his plasma gun.
The guardsman walks away unharmed.

Here is a slightly better one

A Blood Angel Commander, an Ultramarine Commander and a Cadian Commissar are having fun bragging about how brave and loyal their troops are and they decide to have a test to see who has the bravest troops. The Blood angel commander calls one of his troops and says "You! Jump into the engine!" and blood angel immediately says "Yes Sir!" and jumps into the engine of the ship they're on and dies. The blood angel commander says "hah! that took bravery!" The ultramarine commander says "hah! that was nothing, watch this!" and calls one of his troops and orders him to jumpout the airlock. The ultramarine instantly says "Yes Sir!" and jumps out the airlock never to be seen again. the ultramarine commander says "hah! that took bravery" and the commissar says "hah! that was nothing, watch this!" The commissar calls on of the guardsmen in the platoon he is attached to, hands him a plasma pistol and orders him to shoot himself in the head... the guardsman shakes a little, trembles, hesitates then says "no sir, I can't do it..." the commissar says "now THAT is what I call bravery
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http://bobthebuilt.deviantart.com/ar...dent-101681678

Guardsmen-
http://bobthebuilt.deviantart.com/ar...oster-98448744
click on it.

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Old 08 Jun 2008, 14:12   #37 (permalink)
Kroot Shaper
 
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Default Re: 40k Humour

more ways to get killed....

tell the speed freaks red things dont go faster
tell the eldar that slaanesh really is a nice guy
get within line of sight of a bloodthirster^^
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Old 08 Jun 2008, 16:10   #38 (permalink)
Shas'El
 
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Default Re: 40k Humour

Another way to get killed: mistake spore mines for spaghetti and meatballs
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Old 11 Jun 2008, 00:46   #39 (permalink)
Shas'La
 
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Posts: 359
Default Re: 40k Humour

More ways of getting killed
go into a necron tomb
get into combat with a C'tan
give a necron lord a hug

__________________
The only decent presidental canadates
http://bobthebuilt.deviantart.com/ar...gobb-101680973
http://bobthebuilt.deviantart.com/ar...dent-101681678

Guardsmen-
http://bobthebuilt.deviantart.com/ar...oster-98448744
click on it.

Apature science would to remind you that the weighted companion cube does not speak and if does it is recommended that you disregard its advice
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Old 20 Jun 2008, 22:41   #40 (permalink)
Shas'La
 
Join Date: Aug 2007
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Posts: 269
Default Re: 40k Humour

Even more ways to get killed:
Fire 6 shots from a plasma gun
Tell that Beserker he's to much of a wuss to chop you're head off
Look at an Ork funny
Check down the barrel of a Leman Russ if it doesn't fire
Don't attack Davian Thule (You'll drown in your own blood)
__________________
"Planet of the neutrals, the most war-like species in the galaxy."

"All I know is my gut says maybe."

"Your neutralness, it's a beige alert!"

"If I die, tell my wife.... hello."
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