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40k Humour
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Old 11 May 2008, 17:56   #21 (permalink)
Shas'La
 
Join Date: Jan 2008
Posts: 346
Default Re: 40k Humour

Eh, not that much. I mean, the average ork smells worse than the Emperor, and he's been up there for how long?
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Old 12 May 2008, 17:37   #22 (permalink)
Shas'Vre
 
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Default Re: 40k Humour

great humour coming up

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Old 12 May 2008, 17:40   #23 (permalink)
Shas'Vre
 
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Default Re: 40k Humour

Lots and Lots of ways to annoy your opponent:
1. Bring a hand puppet. Question it constantly as to what is the best course of action.
2. Bring a small model coffin with undertakers. Every time a model dies, escort it off the battlefield and give it model funeral. Remember to hum the funeral theme tune.
3. Bring a falsified rulebook (hours of fun).
4. Shave your head. Paint your skin green. Wear a nose ring. Grunt a lot.
5. Flip a coin at the start of the game. After observing the outcome, claim that you have won the game. Look upset if your opponent denies this. Sulk.
6. Bring 20 printed pages of notes and intellectual-looking glasses. Refuse to let your opponent look at them. Refer to them throughout the game. Speak aloud as you read- "he's gone there, so contingency plan 8a means that I should..."
7. Insist opponent rolls all your dice for you. Complain and insult your opponent if you get any bad rolls.
8. Before the game, do a little dance and motion to the gods. Curse your opponent dramatically.
9. Arrive before your opponent. Set up your army and then take the other side of the table. Act as if you are expecting to play with your opponent's army.
10. Add a spring loading system to your cannon. Bring lots of ball bearings.
11. Bring a plastic kid's sword and 'challenge' your opponent. If he refuses, claim you have won the game through his forfeit.
12. Play dead if your general dies.
13. Bring a Land-raider model from 40K. Leave it sitting conspicuously on your side of the table. Make cryptic references to the power of laser cannon in WHFB.
14. Complain that you don't think you can trust your hero.
15. Act as if you are a sports commentator. Commentate on the game. Incessantly.
16. Ask politely if your opponent wouldn't kill your general. Explain that itís his birthday.
17. Bring a smoke machine. Insist on recreating the "fog of war".
18. Sacrifice a goblin to Mork before the game. Saw off its head with a craft knife.
19. Arrange models in a diorama in the middle of the battle. Take photos for a "battle report."
20. Sharpen your goblins' spears before the game with a craft knife. Grin widely.
21. Cackle diabolically. "The World is mine! Nothing can stop me now!"
22. State before the game that you are playing for the title of the champion of the universe.
23. Feel the personal loss of every soldier. "Alas, poor Yorrick, I knew him well."
24. Lament the woes of war loudly. Faint when a model dies.
25. Add sound FX. Kaboom!
26. Ask if you can have TV rights to the game.
27. Just to surprise your opponent, agree amicably with and compliment your opponent!
28. Declare that you are opposed to the senseless destruction of our forests. Refuse to let him kill your treemen. Refuse to let him move through woods.
29. Insist on a lunch break for your troops. Bring a model Mr. Whippy Van.
30. Explain that you are a pacifist. Call off the game immediately.
31. Order your miniatures in your best Sergeant-Major voice. "Quick march, on the double- hut!"
32. Ask if your opponent is opposed to nuclear warfare. Carry a small spherical device. Give no other reasons.
33. Wear a crown. Say that you are the "Lord of the Galaxy". Get a horde of admirers to cheer you on.
34. Bring a stuffed, shaved poodle. Say it is your mascot.
35. Grow a Hitler moustache and wear a swastika. 'Discipline' your troops if they fail to salute you.
36. Cheer on your miniatures.
37. Hide under the table at the start of the game. Make your opponent drag you out. Speak in a nervous whisper. Confide in him that you are scared of his troops.
38. Leave a false army list lying around. Snatch it back angrily if your opponent starts to read it, but leave it visible.
39. Pull out an ace surreptitiously (but obviously) from your sleeve during the magic phase. Look pleased. Try to play it.
40. Keep a deck of Magic the Gathering cards handy. When you are told it is "the magic phase" bring out the cards and start to shuffle them. Ask if he wants to cut your deck.
41. Speak in Skaven. Neek- Neek!
42. Tell him you've brought weighted dice. Complain about the uselessness of modern technology when you start to roll ones.
43. Bring a lamp. Rub it and make three wishes before the game. Look at your opponent accusingly if they don't immediately come true. Ask him if he's used it.
44. Ask what year it is. Ask where you are. Ask what game you are going to play. If he says Warhammer, bring out an antique mallet and hit him with it. Smile a corny grin.
45. Make references to a spy/traitor in his army.
46. Don't place your wizard on the board at the start of the game. At the end of your deployment, use a small explosive device to create a smoke screen and place down the wizard behind it while you yell, "poof!Ē When the smoke dissipates, say, "Tadaa!"
47. Have a history written for every trooper. Start a family feud.
48. Poor cheese sauce all over your opponent's army. Complain that it is cheesy.
49. Come with an army painted completely flora purple. Wear dark glasses.
50. Attempt to bribe your opponent's characters. Turn away quickly if your opponent looks at you questioningly. Deny everything.

50 MORE Ways to Annoy Your Opponent

1. Refer to your miniatures only by their first name.
2. Refer to his miniatures only by their first name.
3. Try to bribe his units over to your side.
4. Three words: Pastel Color Scheme.
5. Rent advertising space on your unit banners.
6. Offer your opponent the chance to surrender before the battle starts.
7. Dress in character.
8. Perform a play-by-play commentary in a Howard Cossell voice.
9. Speak only in third person.
10. Use huge brass dice. Roll them dangerously close to your opponent's figures.
11. Use only the little red dice from Warhammer Quest.
12. Only roll one die at a time.
13. Play Britney Spears. Insist that is it "battle music." Put it on repeat.
14. Name all your characters after obscure Hungarian royalty. Become annoyed if your opponent fails to notice.
15. Claim your army is comprised of all women. When pressed, explain they are all in disguise as to not get kicked out of the army.
16. Place a hammer on the table before the battle starts. Explain it is there to insure loyalty.
17. Quote Sun Tzu often, but only irrelevantly.
18. Every time one of his miniatures has unrestricted LOS to a target, say 'check'.
19. Suggest obviously suicidal tactics to your opponents. Explain that 'that's what Custer would do'.
20. Perform a rousing speech to your troops before the battle. Pose like Mussolini at the end.
21. Secretly replace your opponent's miniatures one at a time with miniatures from other games.
22. Claim your miniatures are proxies for another regiment, though that has no bearing on game play whatsoever.
23. Place all of your infantry on individual monster bases.
24. Flock your bases with sand. Do not use glue.
25. Take a halftime break to play with your Blood Bowl cheerleaders.
26. In rules disputes, reference on Hoyle's book of games.
27. Place NASCAR-like ads all over your vehicles.
28. Demand to change table sides at the halfway mark.
29. Use Play-doh miniatures. When one is killed, pound it into the table with your fist angrily.
30. When your figure reaches the opponent's table side, demand it be kinged.
31. Measure distances only with a yardstick.
32. On a bad roll, swear a blue streak. Use only obscenities approved by Judge Dredd.
33. Sob uncontrollably while removing casualties.
34. When you win, dump a tub of Gatorade on your commander.
35. Include the word 'whoopass' on your army list as often as possible.
36. Don't move your army. Don't fire. Flee when charged.
37. Proxy a unit of O-scale cows for your commander's bodyguard. Don't forget to give them weapons.
38. Converts all wheeled models into low riders. Including cannons and chariots.
39. Try to play multiple games at once like Gary Kasparov.
40. Discuss tactics with your troops. Become argumentative.
41. Four more words: Regis Philbin paint scheme.
42. In a rules dispute, check 1st, 2nd and 3rd Edition 40k Rulebooks, "just to make sure the rules don't change in each book."
43. Use a paintball gun to remove casualties. For both sides.
44. Write army list in pig Latin and binary.
45. Fuzzy dice.
46. Start each game with the national anthem.
47. Have an inner monologue during the game. Digress frequently.
48. During your opponent's turn, yodel.
49. Each turn replace your commander with a new figure.
50. After a good die roll, do a victory dance and spike the die.
51. Write battle report during game. Take at least five minutes to write information between die rolls.
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To; Lord-Inquisitor Von Grimm, Ordo Hereticus
From; Inquisitor Bigotin, Ordo Hereticus
Subject; Inquisitorial Purge BD-4992 "The Hogwarts Purge"
Transmitted; Inquisitorial Fortress, Bethor VIII
Transmitter; Astropath Ginla
Receiver; Astropath Wulesh




Thought For The Day; Never give into temptation and ask about the black and white Space Marine on the black and white bike.

Salutations Lord!
I am pleased to report that the heretical witch-coven, the blasphemous sect known as "Hogwarts School of Wizardry and Witchcraft" has been eliminated, and every member of this vile cult has been cleansed with fire and sword.
Accompanied by five squads of veteran Inquisitorial Stormtroopers, two hundred local militia, a dozen arco-flagellants, two Penitent Engines, and three squads drawn from the Order of the Holy Nimbus, we began our assault upon the fortress of the enemy at dawn's first light. Although the castle was hidden from normal sight by a myriad of hexes and foul enchantments, these wards were easily bypassed thanks to the psyk-out strike launched by the Persecution, and we were able to begin the assault.
We stormed the grounds, suffering only minor casualties from various self-defense spell-traps that the enemy had placed within the grounds. These traps were disposed of quickly by my cadre of sanctioned psykers, and we able to press on.
We were soon accosted by a heavily-haired mutant of exceptional height and bulk (see pict attachments 00-03) upon approaching the castle's main portcullis. He was accompanied by a variety of abominable creatures (pict attachments 04-16), gruesome beasts which looked like twisted parodies of ancient creatures of legend- such beasts included a disturbing horse/eagle hybrid and assorted scorpion/crab-like creatures, each one the size of a small land car, amongst others. The large mutant challenged us in an accent I did not recognize, but no doubt it was speaking in some daemonic tongue. I ordered the attack. The creatures of the mutant beast master took a heavy toll on the local militia and my Stormtroopers, but our numbers and weaponry were superior, and the Sisters of the Holy Nimbus swiftly brought down the creatures with bolter, melta and flamer fire. The giant mutant beast master possessed incredible strength and endurance, and managed to inflict crippling damage on one of the Penitent Engines and kill and seriously wound twenty-three militia, Sisters and Stormtroopers before it was brought down by the holy rage of the arco-flagellants (three of which perished due to lethal combat stimm overdose- in death, they have been granted His Forgiveness).
We consolidated our position and set up a strong foothold whilst our chirurgeons and Sisters Hospitaller provided healing for the wounded and mercy for the dying.
To the south, I glimpsed an oval structure that appeared to resemble a standard Imperial amphitheatre or coliseum (pict attachments 17-20). Six tall poles, topped with huge hoops, were situated on this "pitch", three at each end. I theorized that the cult held some form of diabolical rituals or ceremonies there, and that the hoops were utilized in these.
No sooner had our wounded been comforted and aided by our medical staff, the witches of the Hogwarts School appeared. I was at first shocked at the average age of our foe; the youngest seemed to be ten years of standard, the oldest no more than seventeen. They were led by five older psykers (see accompanying pict-files 21-25), and they outnumbered us nearly two to one. At first, I foolishly thought that fighting children would be no challenge, but I chastised myself, remembering that each of these younglings was an illegal psyker, taught by their council of the older rogue psykers.
The eldest of the rogue psykers (pict 21), whom I presumed to be the leader, stepped forward, and I saw the malevolence and hatred in his eyes that spoke of a man driven insane by the daemonic power that he wielded. He personally addressed me, giving his name as Albus Dumbledore, but I did not wish to bandy words with a heretic and a witch, so before he could speak any further and bewitch me, I disposed of him with my stake crossbow and gave the order for my force to attack.
Pandemonium erupted immediately. The younger psykers were herded back into the castle by two of the "teachers"; a wrinkled midget (pict/subject 24) and a portly woman bedecked with scraps of local flora (pict/subject 25). The older children retaliated, led by the other two psykers, a crone-faced woman (pict/subject 22) and a cadaverous man with long black greasy hair (pict/subject 23).
The psykers launched a variety of psychic attacks that killed and/or otherwise incapacitated my warriors. I saw some terrible things. Two Stormtroopers stumbled and fell to the ground, as if their limbs had ceased to function. Sister-Palatine Lucresia was transmuted in a second from a proud warrior of the Adepta Sororitas to a pewter goblet. Local militia either burst into laughter so violent that their blood vessels burst, or were inflated like carnival balloons. Arco-flagellants slipped and collapsed as the ground beneath them was turned to ice. I remained unscathed, thanks to the protection offered by my hexagrammic wards and my accompanying sanctioned and penitent psykers.
I rallied my troops and pressed the attack. Many of the child psykers were slain by the accurate firepower of my Stormtroopers and the Sisters, and they fled in craven dissarray, only to be picked off at the leisure of my warriors and I. Subject 23 was bisected by Sister Superior Paminda's eviscerator, whilst Subject 22 met the Emperor's Judgment at the claws of the Penitent Engine.
We advanced into the castle, gunning down resistance where we found it. Subjects 24 and 25 were killed as they defended the younger heretics, many of who surrendered after the deaths of their "teachers". I tasked Stormtrooper Lieutenant Virone with prisoner detail, and he and his squad set about dealing with the captured children, taking them to the evac zone and transferring them to the null-cells aboard the Persecution, where they would await interrogation and execution.
We finally came across the last point of resistance in the great hall of the castle; a room so seeped in obscene witchery that I permitted only the Sisters and my personal staff to accompany me inside- I could not risk the corruption of the Stormtroopers.
At the end of the hall stood four figures (picts 26-29), all of them young psykers. Three of the psykers were male, and one was female. They began a last-ditch defense, but their efforts were in vain. The blonde, arrogant-looking male (pict/subject 27) was reduced to ashes by my gun-servitor's plasma cannon, and the freckled, red-haired male (pict/subject 2 took a trio of bolter shots to the chest. The female, a young girl with long, curly brown hair (pict/subject 26) surrendered to us, and I immediately placed an inhibitor upon her (I have since transferred Subject 26 to my own staff, where she now serves as a penitent psyker).
The final male, a boy with thick black hair, spectacles, and a curious scar on his forehead (pict/subject 29) was monstrously powerful for one so young, and claimed the lives of four Sisters, my two gun-servitors, and Interrogator Delaun before he was stopped. As Interrogator Tesze held him in the jaws of her mancatcher, I prepared my power stake for the killing strike. Subject 29 looked at me frantically and cried out; "You idiot muggle! If you kill me, Voldemort will return!"
I presumed that "muggle" was some sort of profane cult slang. I had no idea who "Voldemort" was/is, but I assume that the witch's babble was a desperate and useless plea to prevent me from dispensing justice. I paid his rambling no heed, and impaled his heart with my sacred power stake.
Our mission a success, we ransacked the castle for any heretical items that would need to be immediately destroyed to prevent them from corrupting the servants of the Emperor any longer. We found all manner of wands, ingredients, spell books and scrolls, and curious orb-shaped relics (picts 30-32; note the curious wings that adorn the tiny golden ball in pict 32). All was put to the cleansing flame.
Upon our return to the Persecution, I gave the order for Captain Yevonce to begin the orbital bombardment of the castle, completely obliterating the vile structure. As we made warp transition to Bethor VIII, my staff and I began the interrogation of the young witches.
My apologies for the lack of transcripts at this current moment, but I regret to announce that both my scribe-skull and auto-savant are both out of ink and parchment, and Interrogator Tesze has been forced to transcribe the interrogations from the various vox-thief recordings. The transcripts will be with you shortly, my Lord.
The stain of the Hogwarts coven has been wiped from the Emperor's glorious realm.

Your Servant,
Inquisitor Predujis Bigotin
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More Bashing of Thy 40K Universe:

1-Thou shalt not use thy lasgun to cook thy pop tart.

2- Thou shalt not use grots as self-replacing bowling pins, it may offend thy orks.

3- Thou shalt not ask thy dark angels why they wear thy womenís nighties to battle.

4- Thou shalt not ask thy space wolves why thy have womenís hair.

5- Thou shalt not use thy defiler to carve turkeys.

6- Thy imperial radars are not to be used as barbecues.

7- Thy chaos marines have not replaced their heads with thy ones of goats.

8- Thy shant ask why Whirlwinds do not look like rhinos because the architect could not be bothered to make a new design.

9- Thine garments of thy farseers are not actually dressing gowns.

10- Thy Imperium can spell, it is not in thy spoken English language.

----------------------------------------------------------------

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Old 12 May 2008, 21:29   #24 (permalink)
Shas'El
 
Join Date: Nov 2007
Location: England
Posts: 2,731
Default Re: 40k Humour

If you look at the fineprint on a baneblade models part of it says "models not included"
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Old 15 May 2008, 19:04   #25 (permalink)
Shas'Vre
 
Join Date: Apr 2008
Location: Craftworld Yme-Loc.
Posts: 1,695
Default Re: 40k Humour

ENJOY....SCAR FACE.

40K JOKES

Failed Space Marine legion-names:

Bright Angels
Emperor's Grandchildren
Rabid Wolves
Blood Donators
Iron Feet
Plant Eaters
Supermarines
Mental Legion
Life Guard
999 Sons
Microsoft Word Bearers
Beta Legion
Black Muslims
Heavy Metal Warriors
Constructors
Black Panthers
Storm Midgets
Nice Weather Lords
---------------------------------------------------

------------------------------------------------------

Things you will NEVER see in the 40k universe:

Space Marine Girl Scouts
Sisters of battle Fire Engine
Sane World Eaters
A Space Marine carrying a dead gretchin as a battle-trophy
A gretchin carrying a battle-trophy
A Vegetarian Blood Angel
An Eldar way-stone at the Lost & Found
A crying Space Marine
A Night Lord sunbathing
A plague marine polishing his armour
A Tau giving a high-five
A retreating Death Company Space Marine (if you DO see this, you're probably doomed)
A Khorne Berzerker leaving a skull behind
The Golden Throne caretakers on strike
An assassin, before it's too late...
Games Workshop charging what models are ACTUALLY worth

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Iron Warriors at the beach:
- My sandcastle is bigger than yours!
- No it isn't!
- Yes it is, and it has lascannons here and here, and these are missile launchers!
- Well mine's got that as well, and a moat full of skulls and barbed wire!
- Your lascannons aren't placed at the right spots! What if the enemy attacked here? Or here? Or put heavy fire on this wall? You'd have to concentrate the fire on that area over by the seashell, while your terminators got into position over by that piece of seaweed. And barbed wire placed over there isn't gonna slow the enemy down! Youíve gotta put another turret on this spot here, next to the dead starfish, and have warriors standing ready over here in case of a breakthrough. And what if that crab over there assaulted this wall? I'd suggest a squad of...

Things you don't wanna hear when you're in the Imperial Guard:
"We're outta ammo?"
"CHARGE!!!"
"Khorne Berserkers good fighters? Us Cadians can handle them!"
"You mean you FORGOT the Leman Russes?"
"Why are the Dark Angels surrounding us?"
"Welcome to the Cata- PRIVATE!!!! THERE'S A WRINKLE IN YOUR BANDANA!!!! IRON IT OUT, THEN GIVE ME 500 LAPS AROUND THE BASE!!"
"Funny, the Ogryns don't smell as bad when dead."
"Hey, a grenade without a pin!"
"You just had to forget the gas for the chimera, didn't you?"
"You know, guys...Chaos isn't SO bad"
"Fix bayonets!"
"Whaddya mean orbital bombardment?"
"We missed our shooting phase?"
"Hey, Sarge, this thing just fell out of the sky, it's all fleshy and squishy, and there are scratching noises inside."
"Hehe, that's a good practical joke, plugging the tank's guns... let's stay really close to it so we can see the looks on their faces!"
"Our regiment has been assigned to fight in the Third Armageddon War? Sounds fun!"
"Sweet! And I get to be one of them? Man, this is so cool! I can't wait! Hey, what are the Last Chancers anyway?"
"Boy, I hope those artillery guys got the right coordinates..."
"Hah! Those Chaos dopes spelled 'surrender' with only one R!"
"I'm your new commanding officer. Now, this is my first command, so go easy on me, okay?"
"See? Lasguns can take anything. Drop it, throw it in the swamp, use it as a club, and it still...uh oh."
"Well, we're low on ammo, our radio's busted, and we've got genestealers coming in on all sides. Let's charge them!"
---------------------------------------------------------------------


Space Marine Commandments:

1. Thou shalt not make fun of other chapterís names.
2. Orks are not "cute."
3. Thou shalt not make jokes about the Imperial Guard's weapons.
4. Thou shalt not replace the Librarian's staff with a magic wand.
5. Thou shalt not tip the Terminators over during battle.
6. Thou shalt not do Spock impersonations around Eldar.
7. C-3P0 is not a Necron ambassador.
8. You shall not dare others to eat Squigs.
9. No, you cannot "take the Titan for a spin."
10. Thou shalt not use thy multi-meltas to light campfires. (In a similar manner, thou shalt not use the Terminator Captain's chainfist to open tins of baked beans)
11. Thou shalt not bribe the Inquisitor to bring down Exterminatus on your ex-wife.
12. Thou shalt not refer to the Rhino transports as "pimp wagons," nor shalt thou use the phrase, "If the Rhino be rockin, don't come a knockin."
13. The Chapter Master is not a "drag."
14. Thou shall not use Power Swords to cut your food.
15. Thou shall not ask a Sister if you might "donate some of your own Gene-Seed."
16. Thou shall not throw soap at nurglings.
17. Thou shalt not put a "kick me" sign on the Golden Throne.
18. Thou shalt not refer to the Machine Spirit as "Cruise Control".
19. .Thou shalt not unplug the Golden Throne just "for laughs".
20. Thou shalt not unplug the Golden Throne just "for laughs".
21. Thou shalt not make the Emperor read your palms, or call upon him as "Miss Cleo".
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------
An Imperial Guardsmen's Ten Commandments

1. Thou shall not take sick leave while having Sisters Of Battle In the next Camp.
2. Thou shall not cut his or her hair with bayonet.
3. Thou shall not put graffiti on Space Marine's equipment.
4. Thou shall not replace a Space Marines bolter with a las-gun.
5. Thou shall not use a grenades pin as an earring.
6. Thou shall not experiment with frag grenades.
7.Thou shall not play with flamers.

-----------------------------------------------------------------
Tyranids:

1) Thou shalt not look up when it rains.

2) Thou shall not drown in one's saliva.

3) Thou shalt not hit the Zoanthrope's Head while it sleeps.

4) Thou shalt not play tag with spores.

5) Thou shalt not make references to Godzilla.

6) Thou shall not eat rippers, they are not morsels.

7) Thou shall not cling to Hive Tyrant for protection and claim thee is a bio-morph.

8) Thou shalt not spring up in front of bullet to block it during shoo the big one's for thou shall surely die and will not stopith thee bullet.

9) Thou shall respect thy Hive mind.

10) Thou shall not play pigeon shooting by loading thy friend ripper in to a gun and firing thy friend ripper at a spore launched by a biovore.

11) Thou shall not hiss and screech "KABOOM!" to see if thy spore mines flinch when scared, for thee shall surely go boom.

------------------------------------------------------

Space Marines

1) Thou shall not make references to smurfs when thy fellow Ultramarine is by.

2) Thy Librarian hath better things to do then read thee a bedtime story.

3) When thy encounter Sisters thou shall not surrender to be thy sister's P.O.W. for thou disgraceth thee self and thy squadron if thee does.

4) Thou shall not invite thy Space Wolves squadron to thy banquet of victory for thou shall if thee does see true savageness.

5) Thou shall not lead thy brother Blood Angel to thy donation center for blood!
----------------------------------------------------------

40 ways to tell if you play too much 40K:

1.You frequently shout WAAAAGH!!! out the window of your car (going slightly over the speed limit)...

2.You have a car that is full of holes, and fifty rhinos that aren't.

3.You call people who play WFB deviants.

4.If you call people heretics on a daily basis...

5.If your car is painted to match your chapter markings, and has a las-cannon mounted on top.

5.If you commonly refer to Skaters as Eldar, and you think the Terminator is a 40k-based movie...

6.If you have a c'tan opener in your kitchen.

7.upon seeing a vicious dog you fail your morale test and run away screaming

8.you paint your car red because you think it'll make it go faster

9.your best friend is an Arco-flagellant

10.You've named your dogs Ferki and Gerki

11.You call spraying your home for roaches exterminatus.

12.You call breaking out the winter clothing bringing out the terminator armor.

13.Your friends ask to see your "little black book" and you bring out the 40k rulebook.

14.You don't know that the Smurfs really aren't the Ultramarines and Papa Smurf is not Marneus Calgar/Robute Guilliman.

15.Your dog Russ ran away and you don't want him to come back because you fear it will end the world.

16.Someone says, "I'm allergic to spores" and you think, "Who isn't, those things explode!"

17.You can write a complete army list in abbreviations.

18.you make threats to people involving drop pods and certain red-armored marines...

19.to begin to refer to decisions you make in your every day life as "leadership checks, morale tests, and armor saves"

20.when someone refers to an angry nun you hit the deck because you think bolter shells will begin flying

21.you begin to reach for your bolt pistol only to realize that you donít own a bolt pistol (yet)

22.you get disgusted when you begin talking about the solders in your army and no one understands who you are talking about.

23.when some one yells "cockroach" you ask for a las-cannon. When one is not forth coming, you begin declaring "exterminatus" on the general vicinity of the "bug alert" because you realize that it is too late for these poor souls. They were probably infested already anyway.

24.you make cryptic threats about the might of your legions and that you will sick them on any one who pisses you off.

25.when some one asks what kind of car you have and you tell them that you own a baneblade

26.You're playing baseball, and roll dice to see whether you should miss the ball deliberately

27.You walk three meters, then stop, then walk three meters, then stop, etc.

28.You get repeatedly beaten up after calling Bikey Gangs "Speed Freaks"

29.You get arrested because you started praying to Slaanesh on the bus in your own special way

30.you have more armies than friends

31.you carry dice in your pocket 'just in case...'

32.you can only afford to eat beans, but 'look at this cool new model I just bought'

33.you wonder why Alien wasn't sued for copyright infringement

34.your computer spellchecker automatically corrects 'Orc' to 'Ork'

35.When buying a computer you check for the Machine Cult seal of the Omnissiah, and upon discovering it is not there, rant and rave until they draw on a gear with a skull in the middle.

36.You get your football team to shout waaaaaagh after every huddle.

37.Your self-portrait is in power armor.

38.You accidentally have your army list when grocery shopping.

39.Your credit card is maxed out at $40,000.

40. You actually do fit ten fully equipped marines into your rhinos.
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Old 15 May 2008, 23:41   #26 (permalink)
Shas'La
 
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Default Re: 40k Humour

Actually, if you look on the gW website you will find an article (somewhere) where somebody actually got 10 space marines in a rhino. By having them sit in cramped positions, bolters in front of them, and they barely all fit...

How they get in and out within one turn is still a mystery
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Old 16 May 2008, 19:37   #27 (permalink)
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Default Re: 40k Humour

Thy grenade pin is not a bottle opener
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Old 19 May 2008, 16:48   #28 (permalink)
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Default Re: 40k Humour

Though shalt not pee in your blessed power armour, thou shalt carefully remove armour in thy blessed ritual of removing, yes, the whole ritual >.
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Old 21 May 2008, 02:56   #29 (permalink)
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Default Re: 40k Humour

"And earlier this week, when the Imperial Guard were fighting off Orks and saving our planet, it was found that their casualties dropped about 10% after the Comissars were forced to actually roll to kill their victims, and the Guardsmen decided to shoot back to boot."

But seriously, the odds of a Commissar, even with bolt pistol, killing a guardsmen are (assuming 2 shots) are only 4/9, just under half if they were on opposite armies...
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Old 26 May 2008, 10:59   #30 (permalink)
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Default Re: 40k Humour

Found a link with a lot of 40k jokes (10 uses for squad banners is funny)
http://forums.relicnews.com/archive/...p/t-28080.html

Theres a lot of stuff there
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