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Tau, KTeam Fluff (Draft) "The Shas'M'yen Incident"~ Ray "Raedien" Devine
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Old 22 Jul 2005, 06:17   #1 (permalink)
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Default Tau, KTeam Fluff (Draft) "The Shas'M'yen Incident"~ Ray "Raedien" Devine

Hello all, this is Shas'o Tau Dev'n Kauyon reporting. *

The Shas'M'yen Incident is a KTeam Fluff story I wrote on the spur of a moment.
It was originally posted at LO, but I wanted the opinions and level headed critique you all could offer as well.
This is my first time writing in a "forum" format, thus the chapters were kept short, at least that was my mindset. *After writing it, I discovered it to be over ten pages, and that wasn't even double spaced!
It is meant to be within the context of the intro, as well as in the midst of a larger story.
I mention this because it is a largely combat based story which ends before giving real dimension to the characters.
This is, of course, a problem. *It is also why I consider the ending a bit of a failure.
It is only a draft though, so I shouldn't feel so down.

I present you this bit of fluff and anxiously await your reports,

Shas'o Tau Dev'n Kauyon

P.S. Please take this seriously as I am an aspiring writer in college. *Each piece is a chance to learn what I do and don't do well. *If it's good and you like it, great; but everyone can find something they don't like about anything. *I want to know.
Thank you.

P.P.S. *I did read the board rules and guidelines and I think everything should be fine. *Might be a bit too long though...

Edit: Yup, too long...
__________________________________________________ __________________

The Shas’M’yen Incident
The Unforeseen Fire incident, an excerpt from
“Fire Storm: The Rise of O’Dev’n” (Note: This has yet to be, and may not be, written.)

A Kill Team Fluff
By
Ray “Raedien” Devine

In the grim darkness of the far future there is only war. ™

The Tau believe that now is their time; their race, their empire will bring unity to all. There

is no foe their technology cannot overcome, no quandary their science cannot resolve. The

very stars themselves will be reforged in the cause of the Greater Good. ™GW

Intro
Gideon IV Overview

Out on the eastern fringe of the galaxy lies a small, quiet system of eight planets orbiting a
single star, much like the sun that Terra orbits. Most of the planets in the system are fairly
unremarkable rocks with no mineral wealth or strategic use. Thus, the Gideon system has
been ignored and has remained a footnote in Explorator Fleet logs.

This obscurity changed upon the discovery of Gideon IV, a habitable world that was missed
by the Explorator fleets for some reason. How a habitable world like Gideon IV escaped
detection is still a mystery, with many Imperial Captain swearing that it appeared out of
nowhere. Once found, initial scans showed a world teeming with mineral wealth, archaeotech,
and a crumbling infrastructure from what appeared to be the planet's former and long-dead
inhabitants.


With habitable worlds at a premium, the Gideon system was suddenly bestowed with a new
strategic value and the Imperium dispatched a small fleet to claim this newly revealed world.
The Imperium was not alone in their want to claim this worldly treasure. The Gideon
system's location was near the expanding Tau empire and even the Eldar had an interest in
claiming Gideon IV as a maiden world. What's more, Hive Fleet Kraken had passed nearby,
and the Hivemind would not let such a tasty morsel pass it by.

All of these machinations ignored one question: what happened to the dead civilization of Gideon IV?

Divide and Conquer!

The Imperium's landing on Gideon IV was scattered by a sudden and unexpectedly turbulent
planet-wide storm. Imperial Guard contingents were separated from their central Command,
and the crusading elements from the Space Marine Chapters found themselves cut off.
Even the headstrong Tau experienced problems, with many of their Hunter Cadres
haphazardly scattered across the planet.

Before any of the forces on Gideon IV could regroup, the skies above appeared to boil and shift. Contact with the fleets in orbit stopped and a deathly silence fell over the planet – not even the native fauna made a sound.

The most chilling discovery was made when trans-atmospheric craft were sent by the surface groups to attempt to contact the fleets. The craft discovered at the cost of their existence that the atmosphere was sealed by some kind of shield and none of the fleets could be seen. Any attempt to break through the atmosphere was met with disaster, and it became apparent that the forces on the world were trapped.

This realization spread like wildfire in the Imperial Guard regiments, causing mass desertion and morale to evaporate. The Space Marines, of course, turned to their internal strengths. Yet, even the Tau, whose Aun was still with their fleet, found themselves in considerable disarray. It was as if the very atmosphere was fostering discord among the trapped forces.
Imperial Guard Commanders turned warlord and started to carve out empires for themselves, declaring they were following the one true Emperor, while assaulting other ‘heretical’ Guard regiments. The natural rivalries between the Space Marines boiled over into open conflict between the Chapters. A madness assailed the forces on the planet as they all strove to claim it in the name of their Lord, Empire, God, or Hunger.

So the Battle for Gideon IV began. ™GW


Prelude
Rising Heroes

Shas’vre Vior’la M’yen Kauyon, Fire Caste Hero Unforeseen Hunter, couldn’t believe this. Standing in front of him, amidst the dark forests of Gideon IV, was Shas’ui Tau Dev’n Kauyon, ordering him to take on a highly dangerous mission.

The two Tau leaders had met after Vre’M’yen saved Ui’Dev’n’s men from an Ork Ambush. Gideon IV had become a tactical mess. With their armies haphazardly deployed, Ui’Dev’n had shown unprecedented iniative and leadership. He and his fellow Crisis team members had led a large amount of Fire Warriors to hold several important areas, even finding and protecting a downed Orca Dropship filled with Fio colonizers.

Vre’M’yen respected and even liked Ui’Dev’n, whose followers were even now beginning to call him Shas’o. Warriors from the home world of Tau were considered especially wise and Ui’Dev’n was proving this to all around him.

Taking off his black and red helmet, Vre’M’yen revealed a surprisingly unscarred face. He was around 28, appropriate for a Shas’vre of his stature. He had led his own XV15 Stealth Team through the tempest of warfare until coming upon Ui’Dev’n’s forces and losing his own brother in the skirmish against the Orks. His five Tau squad was still dealing with the loss…

The two Shas members shared a warrior’s handshake, Ui’Dev’n’s young face standing out blue against the dark greens of the forest. Both donned their helmets, the plan was set and troops needed preparing.
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Old 22 Jul 2005, 06:18   #2 (permalink)
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Default Re: Tau, KTeam Fluff (Draft) "The Shas'M'yen Incident"~ Ray "Raedien" Devine

Chapter One
Errand

The plan was simple. A Gue’la force was the only other contention in this area of a Gideon IV continent. They had been growing steadily under the command of several Gue’Or’es, the Space Marines. The Gue’la force was currently split between a munitions factory, a spaceport, and a downed dropship of their own. Shas’ui Tau Dev’n would lead his own men against the dropship; it was the most heavily defended as it carried much needed equipment yet to be extricated to the munitions factory, and thus demanded the main forces attention. Dev’n left his own Stealth team to guard their Fio brethren and would leave the Munitions factory alone for the time being. Vre’M’yen would launch a tactical strike against the Spaceport where the Gue’Or’es leader was attempting to contact air support through the raging storms surrounding Gideon IV. Ui’Dev’n was the distraction, Vre’M’yen had the real job. Without the Gue’Or’es, Ui’Dev’n believed the surrounding Gue’la would crumble under the Tau’s might.

The plan was sound, and Vre’M’yen believed it to be the perfect mission to refocuse his men, and himself. Shas’ui Vior’la J’kaaya had been his twin brother, and an excellent warrior. They had gone through the academy together, along with countless sorties. The two had worked through the tension of Ui’M’yen being promoted to Vre instead of J’kaaya by the Shas’Ar’Tol (Fire Caste High Command) after the death of the former team leader on a similar mission in the Ork ravaged borders of Tau space. His team had been shattered once, and this was to be his chance to prove to his fellow Shas’ui, and to his brother, that he was rightfully a Shas’vre. This thought was foremost as he prepped his men. They would do this for Ui’J’kaaya, and for themselves. If this planet meant so much to the myriad of forces encroaching upon it, then his men would do whatever it took to make sure it belonged to the Tau Empire, and not the slayers of his brethren.

His team was composed of Shas’ui warriors from all around Tau space. Although this is unusual in a normal squad of Shas warriors, Stealth teams operate with a certain freedom. Warriors with the mettle needed to don the prized Stealth armor and the missions attached are varied and wide spread, sometimes composed of the remnants of Shas’la foot soldier squads.

It had been several dec’s since their departure from the main camp. His HUD showed his four comrades to be circling him while moving forward. To M’yen’s forward right was Shas’ui Sa’cae Tsua’m Kais, the middle child of two distinguished Shas leaders on the highly militarized world of Sa’cae. He was a credit to his family, although he would never believe it if you told him, constantly overshadowed by his older brother; currently a Vre bodyguard for some hero defending the Tau Empire from a tendril of the approaching Hive Fleet. Tsua’m was the same age as M’yen but fiercely protective of his younger sister, even though he was only a Tau’Cyr older than her. This woman was to M’yen’s forward left, skillfully traversing the undergrowth of Gideon IV. She was indeed a beauty, not that one could tell through the XV15 Stealth Suit that they all wore proudly. Still, there was always an added grace to Ui’Mal’caor’s movements. She was named thus for her youthful playfulness, and eventually her skillful manipulation of both male Tau and the battlefield. M’yen had been competing with J’kaaya for her attention. Mal’caor and M’yen hadn’t talked since then, but Tsua’m had approached him sympathetically afterwards; mentioning something about how it must be to lose a sibling...

The spaceport’s lights neared, breaking his train of thought and the surrounding areas darkness, the two team members in the rear lined up with the forward scouts and their leader. On M’yen’s far right was now Shas’ui D’yanoi Or’es. A powerful Shas from the backwater planet of D’yanoi, he didn’t speak much, but had never faltered in the face of danger. He didn’t get close to his teammates; he was raised to show strength over his peers, but showed enough respect to all members of the team that it was never a problem. Mal’caor often tried to extract some bit of information from the stoic D’yanoi, but had thus far failed. D’yanoi had been the last member of his Shas’la squad to survive an Ork raid and had charged the greenskins as soon as they were spotted waiting in ambush. Without the aid of J’kaaya, he would have died. Or’es hadn’t taken his armour off since.

The last member on M’yen’s far left was Shas’ui Tau’n Vral. She was small for a
Shas member and made up for it in sheer grit. M’yen could tell she was jealous of Mal’caor, but this drove her to be ever the zealot when it came to combat. She was a valued asset to the team and he would rely on her passion. She had been a Pathfinder once, and she had the best eyes of any of them. It was Ui’Vral who had tracked the Orks and Ui’Dev’n’s men. He hoped she could do the same for the Gue’la forces. They would need to avoid the guards at all costs but still find the Gue’Or’es.

The XV15 Stealth armor was colored black and deep red, hard to spot in the night, but under the spaceport’s floodlights of little use.

“Engage holo-cover.” He whispered into his helmets comm. If any Gue’la guards had been looking their way, all that was to be perceived was fauna as the ingenious holo-projectors of the Stealth Suits powered up.

“Move out.”

Silently, the five Tau squad traversed the outer ring of light around the spaceport. Soon, the myriad of buildings would be ringing with the chaos of their dead leader.
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Old 22 Jul 2005, 06:18   #3 (permalink)
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Default Re: Tau, KTeam Fluff (Draft) "The Shas'M'yen Incident"~ Ray "Raedien" Devine

Chapter Two
Blind

It was a simple task getting by the pathetic Gue’la guard. Their superior technology easily fooled the unaided eyes and ears of several squads patrolling about the complex. M’yen watched as his fellow teammates moved with him in absolute silence over the main landing area, heading towards the communications tower.

He had decided to go for the swiftest, straightest route. The attack on the Gue’la dropship would happen soon and the trip to the spaceport had taken slightly longer than anticipated. This path, however, would mean going straight through a Gue’la patrol.

Between two buildings, as wide and tall as they were long, twice as high as himself, stood in front of the tower, about as far away as they were apart. Two Patrols had been spotted circling these buildings and a third closer to them.

“Avoid the patrols, everyone move to the left side of the left building, we will take one patrol as they come around, leave the other to their pattern. Move out.”

The team swept to the left moving along the left side of the closest building of the three, waiting for the forward patrol to round the corner. M’yen motioned his team to move across the gap to the second building. Vral and Or’es went first, then Tsua’m and Mal’caor after them. M’yen followed them noting the approach of the second patrol.

The team stood completely still against the wall while the patrol stopped between the building and the spaceport fence. M’yen raised his open hand, counting down.

One guardsman lit up a cigar, “What do you think of Adalen, Erick?”

M’yen’s thumb closed.

The man’s black mustache showed bits of gray in the light of the cigar, his bald head shining.

“He’s alright, first Space Marine I’ve met who would look me in the eye.” This was Erick, a younger man sporting a full head of thick blonde hair and dark brown eyes.

M’yen’s first finger closed.

“Yeah, hell of a lot friendlier then the ones I’ve met too. He’s nothin’ compared to ol’Zeke though.” This was the third guardsman dripping with loyalty to his commander. He was clad in the same drab green armor so common in the Imperial Guard.

M’yen’s second finger curled downward.

The smoking guardsman enjoyed a long pull from the cigar and blew a ring of smoke towards the recent commenter.

“You’re such a suck up.”

M’yen’s last finger closed and before Erick could quell the anger in his fellow squad members, the barrel end of M’yen’s burst cannon struck the back of his neck. M’yen quickly kicked the guardsman’s Lasrifle out of the way and slammed the back of the man’s helmet for good measure. On his left, his teammates had taken a different approach.

With two Tau to a man, Vral and Mal’caor had tripped the two Gue’la at the knees while Or’es and Tsua’m smashed their exposed faces reeling back from the pressure on their legs. They were bloodied, but alive. Swiftly and silently, they had been taken out and just as efficiently, the five Tau warriors reengaged their holo-covers and began to sprint for the comm tower.
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Old 22 Jul 2005, 06:19   #4 (permalink)
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Default Re: Tau, KTeam Fluff (Draft) "The Shas'M'yen Incident"~ Ray "Raedien" Devine

Chapter Three
Shadows

“How goes it Kalius?”

The huge Tech-Marine turned towards the gruff voice addressing him. Both men were clad in huge black armor, the cross of the Templar standing out against its field of white upon their identical shoulder pads.

Turning back to his work, the Marine answered the commander.

“The tech is old, but of the Mechanicus. I assume this world was once an outpost of the Emperor. The many veils about its existence escape me, but with the blessings of the Machine God it will work.”

Kalius had worked miracles for the Chapter before, and had been a faithful member of the Black Templar’s veteran retinue as long as he could remember. The man’s bionic eye, bald head, and calm demeanor had been a constant comfort to Veteran Sergeant Adalen over the decades. The Tech-Marines multiple arms buzzed and sparked sending flashes of light across Adalen’s armour, highlighting the many markings and battle honours he had accrued as well as the dark room of the spaceport’s main tower. Adalen possessed several striking features including a vicious scar across his right cheek, a memento from a particularly tough Elder warrior. His bright green eyes and short black hair accentuated his high cheek bones nicely against the black of his armor.

Still, the Templar's had been dispatched to Gideon IV to halt the multitude of enemy Xenos making a blitz for the recently revealed planet, and the communication cutoff was worrying him. The rest of his squad was still guarding the downed dropship while the Imperial Guard attempted to free precious equipment from its mangled hulls. The continent he and his fellow battle-brothers had landed upon only recently came under any semblance of order, due to his own take-over of the Imperial Guard he’d come across. They were able men, nothing compared to a Space Marine of course, but dependable. He had requested an Imperial regiment to accompany Kalius and himself while they attempted to hail the fleet. Imperial Guard Sergeant Zeke Mansk had begrudgingly assigned two dozen of his remaining guardsmen to Adalen for this purpose, keeping his best men as well as his remaining mechanized forces for the defense of a munitions plant the two leaders had freed from the Eldar a few weeks ago.

“Vox me when you’re done Kali...” The Sergeant’s vox crackled to life, cutting him off.

“Adalen, we’ve got trouble.”

It was Brother Edian, his right hand man. He was in command of the Space Marines guarding the dropship.

“I hear you Edian, what’s going on?”

“Sir, it’s the Tau. They swept in with about 2 dozen troops and some of those Crisis Elites we’ve been hearing about.”

“Is everyone alright?” Edian’s voice was steeled by his very existence as a Space Marine, but something in his voice tipped Adalen off to his situation.

“We are holding them off sir. They don’t seem to pressed to take the ship. They keep jumping in and out of the forest. We lost Trasiv and a few Guardsmen.”

“Emperor preserve us...” Trasiv had been his best scout and a particularly jovial
Space Marine, always able to lift the squad’s spirits...

“Sir, I don’t think they want this ship. Somethin...”

The clatter of bolter fire and missile impacts filled the vox channel, obscuring whatever Edian was trying to say.

“Edian? Edian!” Adalen yelled into the vox. The line went dead a few seconds later.

Adalen refocused his mind to his own surroundings to find Kalius hard at work.

“Kalius, Edian is und...”

For the third time in a minute, Vet Sarge Adalen was cutoff.

“Sir! This is trooper Willus Emert, I just found Erick’s unit unconscious.”

What in the hell is going on around here? Adalen thought to himself.

“Get them to safety Emert. That is all.”

“But sir!”

“That is all trooper!”

Adalen addressed Kalius disconcertingly; the Tech-Marine continued his holy vigil over the comm tower’s main panel.

“I’ll be back.”

Without waiting for Kalius’ confirmation, he walked out the door.

****

Adalen looked out over the rail guard of the comm tower. He had placed eight, three man, patrols around the complex. Four walked around the perimeter, three about the few buildings and one directly below him. The comm tower stood in the north end of the grounds with a few buildings to the east and west, a large field to the south with three buildings in an L pattern separated the tower and the main field. With his superior vision, he made out three guardsmen, each hauling another guardsman to the gap between two of the buildings. Something else caught his attention however.

The three guardsmen below him were readying their Lasrifles. Scanning the field frantically, they took several steps into the field before hearing his warnings.

He could see them of course; well, he could see something. A slight distortion in the air, something not quite right. Whatever it was, it was right behind the Guardsmen advancing towards their comrades.

“They’re behind you!” He bellowed.

Immediately, Adalen threw himself to the gridiron floor as brightly charged atoms flew towards his position. The guardsmen were not so lucky. Taking a quick glimpse over the railing, they had been utterly destroyed by the enemy weapons.

Adalen drew his bolt pistol and chain sword, the blade roaring into an indistinguishable spin of death. He backed into the comm room slowly.

Kalius lined up with Adalen. The two Space Marines stood back to back, spinning slowly, watching all the windows of the circular room and the two doorways on opposite sides.

“What did they look like Adalen?”

“That’s just it, I didn’t see anything.”

One of Kalius’ arms shot towards his own helmet adjusting the visual receptors.

“We’ll be ready.”
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Old 22 Jul 2005, 06:19   #5 (permalink)
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Default Re: Tau, KTeam Fluff (Draft) "The Shas'M'yen Incident"~ Ray "Raedien" Devine

Chapter Four
Valor

The element of surprise was lost. Or’es, Mal’Vral and himself, had unleashed their burst cannons upon the Alert Gue’la patrol at point blank range. Tsua’m and Mal’caor covered them from the Space Marine that had appeared at the top of the tower. These two sprinted for the left staircase of the tower while Tsua’m, Vral and himself went up the right.

“The Gue’Or’es know of our approach. Attack plan Beta upon arrival to the objective. Tsua’m and Mal’caor, you’re Tinder Team.”

This of course denoted him and his fellow teammates as Flint Team.

Tinder Team reached the top of the tower only seconds before Flint. Shooting through whatever manner of translucent material these Gue’la used for windows and tossing two photon grenades each inside. A high-pitched whine accompanied a bright flash turning the comm tower into a lighthouse for a few integral seconds.

Tinder team continued firing into the chaotic scene until Flint team made their way into the room. Then, all was silent while they hid themselves against the building, dodging the return fire and re-engaging their holo-cover.

Flint Team immediately found cover within the room taking cover behind several consoles.

“Kalius, where are they?” Adalen voxed, blinking.
M’yen noted the many armed Gue’Or’es and began positioning himself to attack. His comrades behind two consoles beside him did the same.

“A moment Adalen.” Kalius voxed back.

Adalen’s enhanced vision returned to him in a few moments but could still find nothing. The two men continued to turn in tandem, scanning the room and firing through the windows.

Kalius suddenly opened fire on one of the consoles with his Bolter exposing Or’es who charged the Tech Marine.
M’yen opened fire on Andalen while Vral did the same.

Adalen moved swiftly letting his armor take a few of the shots, bringing his chain sword down on the approaching figure. Or’es raised his burst cannon in a defensive maneuver, the sword lodging itself in the cannon’s barrel.

Tsua’m and Mal’caor entered the room now firing upon the Tech-Marine now facing their doorway. Kalius fell under the extreme volley of the advancing members of M’yen’s team. Kalius’ body slumped against Adalen, his many arms flailing, one blazing saw ripping through Or’es’ leg, another sparking torch through the Tau’s central armour. Or’es’ final screams spurred M’yen into action.

Dropping the chain sword Adalen punched the large Shas’ui in the face, dropping him to the floor. Turning swiftly, the Space Marine took a shot at the charging M’yen while ducking for cover.

The impact spun M’yen to the ground, his shoulder guard catching the round and exploding. On the ground he could see Tsua’m and Mal’caor recovering from the hail of shells they had suffered from the now-down many-armed Marine.

Adalen burst from behind a console heading towards the door behind Or’es, dodging cannon fire from Vral as she ran after him.

M’yen sprang up and followed her out the door while Tsua’m and Vral went out the back. A single shot rang out across the field.

M’yen stumbled upon Vral’s dead body, grabbing the rail, he halted himself from falling over the edge. Hanging from the railing, M’yen could see that a well-placed bolter shell had blown Vral's head clean off, blood still pumped onto her armor. Attempting to lift himself from the precarious position, he spotted the Gue’Or’es on top of the tower, aiming the bolt pistol at his own head.

Adalen leveled the bolt pistol and was slammed by several Burst Cannon shots from his left and right.

M’yen saw it all in slow motion as Tsua’m and Mal’caor came around the corner, followed the direction of his helmet and unleashed their firepower upon the Space Marine steadying himself against the large sensor array on the roof. M’yen leveled his own cannon against the Gue’Or’es finding purchase against the side of the tower.

Adalen went down in a hail of fire, his armour holding out mere seconds before decimating his inner workings. He died releasing a single bolter shell, with the name of the Emperor on his lips.
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Old 22 Jul 2005, 06:20   #6 (permalink)
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Default Re: Tau, KTeam Fluff (Draft) "The Shas'M'yen Incident"~ Ray "Raedien" Devine

Conclusion
Fade

M’yen’s purchase suddenly gave way, as the bolter shell obliterated the railing support on his right. Engaging his jet pack, the Shas’vre slowed and eventually landed upon the tower’s roof. He stared at the Gue’Or’es while ordering his remaining teammates.

“Gather the dead, the patrols will be flocking here.”
Silently, the two members gathered the remnants of Or’es and Vral.

The tower was immediately assailed by laser fire. M’yen peered over the edge of the slanted roof and saw the remaining patrols advancing upon the tower. Tsua’m, carrying Or’es’ corpse, and Mal’caor, carrying Vral slight frame, came out of both doors, Vral’s dead body taking a hit for Mal’caor. Jumping down, M’yen helped Tsua’m carry Or’es, jumping off the north face of the Tower, the three remaining squad members left the tower, jet packs on full throttle to compensate for the extra weight.

Tsua’m took a hit to the leg, several guardsmen had assailed the tower and now shot at them from the stairwell, but continued flying. The five bodies made it past the north fence and into cover, their own blood mixing with that of their dead comrades.


****


“Bloodfire, what happened?”

Ui’Dev’n stared at Ui’M’yen’s stealth team, carrying two dead into the shelter of the Orca.

“The mission was accomplished Ui’Dev’n. That is all.”

The Shas’vre and his team procured a room in the Orca-turned-medcamp and began stripping their own armor and that of their dead comrades.

Several hours later Ui’Dev’n and M’yen stood side by side to the final rights of
their fallen comrades. The night had been long and hard for both leaders, Ui’Dev’n had lost a Crisis Suit and several good Shas’la.

The two leaders, staring into the eyes of their fellow Shas members and at the bodies of dead, swore for the Tau’va, that the war wouldn’t end until the planet was theirs. Their dead would rest upon this world, and this world would belong to the Tau’va.

M’yen looked at Tsua’m and Mal’caor comforting each other by the Orca and muttered under his breath.

“For the Tau’va.”
__________________________________________________ __________

Well that's it! Sort of...since it's only a draft it could change with enough motivation to get off my lazy butt and do so.

And that's where you come in! O0

Thank you for your time and effort,

O'Dev'n
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Old 22 Jul 2005, 23:37   #7 (permalink)
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Default Re: Tau, KTeam Fluff (Draft) "The Shas'M'yen Incident"~ Ray "Raedien" Devine

I really liked it. I kind of got confused when you went into detail about their relationships/past though. But other than that its a great story
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Old 11 Aug 2005, 21:56   #8 (permalink)
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Default Re: Tau, KTeam Fluff (Draft) "The Shas'M'yen Incident"~ Ray "Raedien" Devine

Once the action got going it was quite good but the beggining is a massive info dump that was really boring and would have killed your chances of trying to get the story published if you submitted it. You need to integrate character development throughout the story so the reader doesn't get bogged down. Why didn't they Tau hide the unconcious bodies? It wouldn't have taken them too long. I'd suggest developing the relationships, especially the one between the two commanders, using dialouge as it would make it both much clearer and less of an information dump.
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Old 12 Aug 2005, 08:52   #9 (permalink)
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Default Re: Tau, KTeam Fluff (Draft) "The Shas'M'yen Incident"~ Ray "Raedien" Devine

Thanks laxman, and Commander Vines, I was starting to think it wasn't even worth commenting on!

Like I said, it's "rough." But that is just gibberish for "I wiped this out in an hour or so." So comments are fully encouraged and accepted. I can see how the begining is an information dump, would taking out the GW stuff alleviate this at all? I considered my actual begining pretty rushed. I just jumped from character to character till they got there. Hmm...

I too thought about them hiding the bodes, but I also wanted the undertone that M'yen is in a command position and must make decisions. He chose speed. This leads to the appropriate consequences. I personally hate the endings as I consider it the most rushed part of the piece as a whole. If I could get some more critiques I could really start to revise it. I am not a big editer on my own, I always write things in the fit of inspiration and then I'm done with them. My teachers hate me for it and I've always tried to work out of it but to no avail. So I need a lot of outside input to motivate me to return to anything.

Thanks again, and I hope for some more opinions please,

~O'Dev'n~
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