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Dark Truth
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Old 24 Mar 2009, 16:56   #1 (permalink)
Shas'O
 
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Default Dark Truth

Somethings are better left unknown

Prologue

Across the battle field, the dust was settling down. What Dark Kin were left alive had fled or were fleeing through their webway portal. Leaving behind their dead.

The Scorpion Exarch looked over to the Autarch, who simply nodded. No more was required, the exarch turned around made a quick sign and he followed their Fallen Kin through the portal, knowing full well that he was not alone despite not hearing his men. They would scout ahead and report back for the counter-assault. Let's just hope it would not be too late for the captives.

As always the Webway was confusing with it's countless paths and tunnels. Tracking down the enemy would not be easy, but easy was for Guardians, his men and him were professionals and they would find them. He quickly looked around at the option presented to him by his surrounding and went into a tunnel to his far left. Other units would take different route thus increasing their chance of finding them.
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Old 24 Mar 2009, 17:37   #2 (permalink)
Shas'El
 
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Default Re: Dark Truth <WIP>

Not bad, could do with some more though so I hope you update it soon. A Prologue in an average length book is usually a good 3-5 pages long. Are expanding on this or going straight into Chapter One?

"was required, The exarch"
- No need for a capital &#39;t&#39;.

"turned around maybe a quick sign"
- That doesn&#39;t make much sense. Should it be &#39;made&#39;?

"assault...let&#39;s
- Just start a new sentence. Doing this will make it easier to read and also more professional.
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Old 24 Mar 2009, 17:53   #3 (permalink)
Shas'El
 
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Default Re: Dark Truth <WIP>

Nice one Bone, but I have to agree with Broken, make it a little longer.
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Old 24 Mar 2009, 18:07   #4 (permalink)
Shas'O
 
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Default Re: Dark Truth <WIP>

That&#39;s the down side when you write from work: you are pressed for time.

I will be expending a bit on my prologue before jumping on Chapter one.

Oh and thanks for spotting the Typos.
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Old 26 Mar 2009, 23:15   #5 (permalink)
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Default Re: Dark Truth <WIP>

Chapter 1

Navigating the Webway was not easy, tracking someone even less, but the Exarch kept moving forward. The surrounding was alien, neither material or immaterial, the Webway was both and neither: the prism of color between shadow and light.

He carefully took his men through the maze of passage and corridor, stopping at each intersection in order to find a small clue -any clue of the Dark Kin passage. Sometimes he would notice someting: a foot step, a piece of metal, a faint lingering odor which would indicate where to go; sometimes he simply had to go by instinct and hoped he chose the right path.

For several hours, he was making his way through tunnels and corridor hoping he was heading in the right direction all the while thinking of the poor soul that were captured. Eventually, he noticed something. It was a faint shift in the air. He smiled under his mask for he knew that he was getting near. He carefully and slowly made his way toward the wind and after a brief time the corridor opened up.

In front of him was a depression in the Webway several miles wide and deep. In the far end of it, he was able to see a dark twisted tower looming over smaller building and raiders and ravagers could be seen flying in the air around the settlement meanwhile shadows that were no bigger then ants could be seen moving around the building.

As he was about to go down into this depression, something caught his eyes, something was odd. At first he wasn&#39;t quite sure what it was then it dawn on him. some of those ground figures were bigger then the others and didn&#39;t seem to correspond to known wargear of the Dark Ones. Had they developed some kind of new weapon to be unleashed on the universe or was it a new prototype?

Once it was gone, he ordered the rest of his men to go down and get into position. Slowly over the next half-hour, he inched towards the citadel. Every so often he had to dodge and hide as a raider, a ravager or a scourge patrol flying by. But so far he was glad since he had remained undetected as he knew he would; moving forward the figures were becoming more distinct and easier to see. The bigger figure were out of sight now so all he could see were some Warriors and Incubi moving about.

"By Khaine!" he swore as one of the bigger figure came out from around the corner of a building, "A War Walker." the realisation barely sank in when one of his man let out a cry of pain. He looked about and got his second shock of the day -his men were all down- his senses told him something was on his right. He quickly turn only to be meet by something hard across the skull...dazed and falling into darkness, he could have swore that it was a Scorpion chainsword.
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Old 27 Mar 2009, 06:55   #6 (permalink)
Shas'Vre
 
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Default Re: Dark Truth <WIP>

Well this is very nice.
Quite the little mystery you&#39;ve set up here.
The writings really good and enjoyable to read. Very nice use of first person, you managed to make me feel sorry for the Exarch already!
I&#39;m quite intrigued to see where this goes.

Keep it up!
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Old 27 Mar 2009, 13:07   #7 (permalink)
Shas'O
 
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Default Re: Dark Truth <WIP>

Well thank you.

I&#39;m trying to get the proper mood and get the idea nicely together, thus the shorter &#39;chapters&#39; and the long break between them.
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Old 27 Mar 2009, 19:07   #8 (permalink)
Shas'El
 
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Default Re: Dark Truth <WIP>

I&#39;ve only got into the second paragraph and it&#39;s obvious you&#39;re using commas far too often, an easy thing to do mind. Here&#39;s an example:

"Navigating the Webway, was not easy"
A comma isn&#39;t necessary at all here. The phrase makes perfect sense without it.

Try to create a balance between commas and conjunctives, rather than just favouring one. This will make the piece much easier to read and also attract more people if they know it&#39;s well written.

Don&#39;t just stick with the simple &#39;and&#39; or &#39;also&#39;. If the situation permits you can use &#39;consequently&#39;, &#39;as a result&#39; or simply &#39;as well as&#39;. Of course these are more dependent on the situation but I hope you get gist of what I&#39;m saying .
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Old 27 Mar 2009, 19:41   #9 (permalink)
Shas'O
 
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Default Re: Dark Truth <WIP>

I&#39;ll keep this in mind for the subsequent andmaybe I&#39;ll go through Chapter 1 and do some modification too.

I blame French rules for comma: I&#39;m too well trained in them.
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Old 29 Mar 2009, 15:12   #10 (permalink)
Shas'O
 
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Default Re: Dark Truth <WIP>

Chapter 2

Oblivion.

Complete Emptiness.

The total absence of everything.

The noticing of faint sounds far away followed by faint specks of colors swirling far off.

Bright light!

The Exarch awoke. On one hand he was relieved for he was alive but this fleeting sense of relief quickly left as he started to get reacquainted with his senses and his body. His head was throbbing as if a pack of Carnificis was jumping up and down on his skull. His back was pressed on or against something and he quickly realised that he wasn&#39;t wearing his armour anymore. Something was pressing against his chest and stomach: constraints he figured as he also notice a similar feeling on his upper arms, wrists, thighs and just above the ankles.

He opened his eyes to be greeted by a great flash of light, he instinctively turn his head to the side while shutting his eyes tightly, causing his head to spin and a wave of nausea to be felt. He slowly forced himself to relax by focusing on his breathing then he started to slowly, very carefully open his eyes.

The room he was in was kept mostly dark except for the light that shone on him. He could see that the walls were made of some dull grey metal with some instruments and monitors on it. The ceiling and most of the room was out of sight because of the two, maybe three intense light focused on him. The bed on which he was strapped was slightly inclined with his feet a bit lower then the rest of his body.

Beyond the edge of the light, deep in the darkness, he could feel the presence of someone. There were no sound, there were no movement, yet his training told him right away that someone was there. Watching him. He made no effort to spoke to him: let them make the fist move.

After what seemed like an eternity, the bright light dimmed a bit and the rest of the room was lit up. He gasped in shock: His watcher was dressed in a black glossy Striking Scorpion armour.
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