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"No heroics, please, Lieutenant" (story begginings, about 350 words)
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Old 10 Feb 2009, 16:39   #1 (permalink)
Shas'El
 
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Default "No heroics, please, Lieutenant" (story begginings, about 350 words)

Begginings of an Imperial Guard story (will have about 4 chapters in it, this is most of the first one)

[hr]

Torin dimly became aware of two things at once. The first, that he was conscious, was obvious, because he was thinking about it. The second was that it was daylight. Aching, he rose from his stretcher-bed, blinking dimly. Johan and Krieg were still sleeping, but the others were not in the tent. Torin wearily stumbled outside, and groaned, nearly blinded by the sunshine.

The air was warm, a strange sensation that nobody had felt for years. Or at least it seemed like years.

The ground was brown and firm, and a thin layer of half-melted snow lay sprinkled in the shadows. Men and women in the camp were stirring, but it was still an hour before official waking-time. An intense blue sun penetrated the grey sky, and there were no clouds, which was very unsusual. But despite the good weather, the feeling of impending doom hung over the camp like an ugly mist.

Torin hunched up and lit a cigarette. He heard crunching footsteps behind him, and turned to see Lieutenant Bairn, fully dressed. “Good weather, hey,” he remarked, glancing at the clear sky. Torin shrugged one shoulder and grunted “Where’s the captain?” Bairn nodded at the defence structure that overshadowed the camp.

Torin slouched to the silo, just as Captain Dunmore appeared from the massive black gates. Torin half-heartedly saluted, which Dunmore returned as a nod. “Morning” he said in a hoarse voice.

“Morning?" Torin spat the cigarette from his mouth to one side. “You can say that again. Winter might be going, but that doesn't mean we all want to be woken up at the crack of dawn.”

Dunmore sighed. “At least the cold will be gone…” he pulled his greatcoat closer. “Soon, anyway.”

“It is gone,” replied Torin. “It’s hot, compared to yesterday. I’m not cold.”

The Captain looked tiredly at Torin from behind wide-awake eyes. Torin was one of the few who knew why Dunmore had volunteered to co-ordinate the doomed ‘defence’ of the polar laser – Captain Dunmore had a rare form of blood cancer and was terminally ill.

Not that it mattered, they were all going to die anyway. The point was to inflict some damage on the Tyranid splinter fleet before detonating the planetary self destruct system. The enemy fleet had grown to such a size that any spaceships waiting in orbit to enact Exterminatus would be destroyed long before the Tyranids had landed.

[hr]

Please note, this isn't a "first chapter." It's part of the first chapter, and I'm stuck as to how to continue with it (the chapter, not the whole story). Hope you liked it
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Old 10 Feb 2009, 16:58   #2 (permalink)
Shas'La
 
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Default Re: "No heroics, please, Lieutenant" (story begginings, about 350 words)

just start as if it's a new chapter - maybe introduce a few doomed civilians
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At the going down of the sun, and in the morning,
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why does no-one remember them?

http://forums.tauonline.org/index.php?topic=79058.0 - A must read!
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Old 10 Feb 2009, 17:01   #3 (permalink)
Shas'El
 
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Default Re: "No heroics, please, Lieutenant" (story begginings, about 350 words)

Hmmm.... like conscripts kind of thing. Civvies given a lasgun basically. Will think about it... like it, but still not sure. Thanks though
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Old 10 Feb 2009, 20:26   #4 (permalink)
Shas'El
 
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Default Re: "No heroics, please, Lieutenant" (story begginings, about 350 words)

How about having a scene with 'torin' and captain walking through the medical tents.. Maybe a few dieing men some screaming civies and few stories of heroics.. Maybe go into a few gruesome details about particular injuries.

The there is the option of having torin listen to the tale of a vet int the tent... so its a story in a story
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Old 10 Feb 2009, 20:35   #5 (permalink)
Shas'El
 
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Default Re: "No heroics, please, Lieutenant" (story begginings, about 350 words)

I like that. A bit shakespear (the second bit), but yeah, I think I will.

And I might add in a homicidal commisar as well.... joke. No. This is kind of supposed to be focused on the story of a doomed platoon told by command infantryman torin.

A "Command Infantryman" being a guardsman in a command squad. In my stories, anyway.
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Old 10 Feb 2009, 20:59   #6 (permalink)
Shas'El
 
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Default Re: "No heroics, please, Lieutenant" (story begginings, about 350 words)

Very good Frisbee!

How about indulging into Torin's background, and how he ending up defending a Polar Laser, what's his regiment, company? etc.. And then introducing more characters, maybe his squad? (If he has one) - Give some background on them too, but not too long.

Say something like, for example; "Torin was the 9th squad sergeant of the 3rd Company, before he joined the Guard he was a hunter, hunting strange and wild beasts on his home planet Tervan II, when the threat of the Tyranids came, Torin immediately went to sign up". - Along the lines of that, but you can use it or make it up on your own, I don't mind.

Good luck!
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Old 10 Feb 2009, 21:10   #7 (permalink)
Shas'El
 
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Default Re: "No heroics, please, Lieutenant" (story begginings, about 350 words)

I preffer a bunch of (some terminally) ill men and women with wasted lives left to delay a numberless hoarde before the entire planet blows up.

But hey, your idea is cool too! I was planning on adding in detail later. I also deliberatley chose some names to reflect their personality - "Bairn" is gaelic for "Child", because Lt. Bairn is quite an innocent and (fairly) positive character. Dunmore means "From the fortress on the hill" or, to be metaphorical, to come down from a higher position, kind of thing. Torin I just made up on the spot.

The platoon has 6 squads (2 all-female) and the command squad, which I am going to introduce them in later (the story probabally spans several months and ends with a line a bit like...

[EDIT Oops, I just told you the ending.]: now in the spoiler below.

[spoiler] ends with a line a bit like "the tyranids made planetfall four days later"). [/spoiler]

Thanks though, those are good ideas. I just wanted Torin to be the "eyes and ears" of the reader, who we don't really know much about, the story really focussing on the Cpn. and Lt.
Also I want to present Torin as "gritty and realistic", the smoking, the half-hearted saluting etc. which I'm sure would be very common in that kind of "we're all going to die anyway" situation.

Good ideas though people, I'll intergrate some into the next update:

Um, when I post the second part, would it be okay to double post if neccesarry? Just to space it out more. Thanks

P.S: ;D
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Old 11 Feb 2009, 18:12   #8 (permalink)
Shas'El
 
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Default Re: "No heroics, please, Lieutenant" (story begginings, about 350 words)

Quote:
Originally Posted by FrisbeeForLunch
Um, when I post the second part, would it be okay to double post if neccesarry? Just to space it out more. Thanks
Yep, I'm sure the Mods will allow that.
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Old 12 Feb 2009, 07:05   #9 (permalink)
Shas'La
 
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Default Re: "No heroics, please, Lieutenant" (story begginings, about 350 words)

Yeah, authors and people who are creating something on the scenery/modelling boards are exempt from the double post rule
M
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They shall not grow old as we that are left grow old,
Age shall not weary them, nor the years condemn,
At the going down of the sun, and in the morning,
We will remember them.
- Binyon

why does no-one remember them?

http://forums.tauonline.org/index.php?topic=79058.0 - A must read!
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Old 12 Feb 2009, 09:14   #10 (permalink)
Shas'El
 
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Default Re: "No heroics, please, Lieutenant" (story begginings, about 350 words)

Oh, okay. Thanks. I'm not bothered about post count, I just wondered whether it'd be allowed. I've had some more ideas, but haven't written/typed anything more yet.
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