[TopBanana]

This is a story I wrote a while ago for a competition. It was my first attempt at writing a funny story and I had a great time thinking up all the jokes and stuff. I'll post it in two parts to cut down on the amount of stuff you all have to read (and to build suspense). I hope you all enjoy it.

Part I

It was a face that started it. Two years and five planets separated that face from me, but memory and recognition lined up like the wheels of a winning slot machine. He was the big guy that tried to escort me out of the casino on Terellis IV, just when I was winning.
I had been, and still was, a government agent who dealt with that kind of thing. You know, crooked dealers and organized crime, but for the last two years—ever since the Terellis IV bust—I was no use. You can't really focus on the job in front of you when you're worried about who's behind you. Those casino guys were persistent and I was taking a long sabbatical until I dealt with them, they dealt with me, or they cashed my chips where my government could nab them.
When I saw his face I knew what I had to do. I didn't like it, but I ducked into the stairwell and went up the stairs three at a time. I ran to my room and bolted the door. I didn't have long before they beat up or bribed the concierge, and I needed to be long gone by then.
I gathered up what I needed. It wasn't much, just a few valuables and keepsakes. I stripped the identification of everything that would remain. I strapped my holster to my right thigh and grabbed my handgun. It was a special job, one of the few things from my profession I had with me. It looked like a normal 45, until you saw it in action. It fired self propelled bullets, and they went pretty fast.
As I checked my spare magazines and threw a full-length light jacket on, I hoped I wouldn't have to shoot too many people. Now that I'm on sabbatical, the paperwork is a pain. Stuffing the things I was going to take into my jacket, I ran to the door. After scanning the hallway, I sprinted to the stairs. The lazy bums always took the elevator when they came after me. I reached the lobby and walked right out the doors. I figured that since the concierge probably sold me out, the front desk could just deal with me not checking out. Seeing as I had to pay in advance, my style of leaving was not uncommon, even at this fairly respectable hotel.
I found myself on the bustling streets in one of the many gambling cities that had sprung up on Cavona II. Here people were accustomed to shooting, so it was unlikely they would get hurt. I turned to my right and started making a mental list of what to do next.
At the top was "Stay alive." I was doing that, at the moment. My ultimate goal was “Get off planet, alive” (I always like to repeat important points). I decided to head to the Fortis system. We had a base there and the commander is an old friend of mine. I was tired of being chased around by these guys.
Before I did anything, I needed my money. I will say one thing about my job. Even though they won’t usually help you get the guys gunning for you (space is far too large), they at least give you half pay. It also helped that they wanted me back from my working vacation in one piece.
As I walked, I realized that the brains in the other outfit would know that I needed money, and so they would be watching the bank. I thought for a moment about what I could do, but wasn’t coming up with any original ideas. In the end I just zipped up my coat so I wouldn’t get shot when I went into the bank, and walked through the large glass front doors. I paused a moment to admire the beautiful building, and looking back through the doors, I saw some of the muscle gathering across the street.
With a sigh, I got in line. Twenty minutes later, I had withdrawn the necessary funds and was turning to leave, thinking that surely they wouldn’t be stupid enough to rob me near the bank. I was right. They tried to rob me in the bank.
Suddenly, the door shattered in a hail of buckshot and the thugs I had seen earlier charged into the bank. I dove to the left and landed behind a sturdy column and was wondering if the bank guards would shoot me too if I pulled my gun when the entire point became irrelevant. When the bank guards stopped firing, I walked around the mess (I hear the stain is still there) and out in to the cool night air.
I knew I still wasn’t out of trouble yet. The bad guys in charge were very powerful, very wealthy, and still very much at large. Even though the average IQ of the hired help was usually on the small side of 20, there were enough of them that together they might have broken 1000.
Next on my list was "Get to the spaceport, alive." Once there, I could, as an agent, claim the protection of the spaceport and mock my pursuers from the safety of the spaceport’s powerful security. Unfortunately, having failed to kill me at the bank, my opponents would really try to keep me from getting to the spaceport. I struck off in the direction of the garage where I had left my rental car, keeping a careful eye out for pursuit.
It was only a few blocks from the bank to the garage. The neon signs bathed everything in a warm, multicolored glow, and if I hadn't had who knows how many trigger-happy goons after me, it would have been a nice stroll. Slouching a bit, I blended in well with my jeans, tee-shirt, and black coat.
I stopped at a street vendor and bought a hot drink while checking to see if I was being followed. As I forked over my five bucks, muttering about extortion, I swept the crowd with my eyes.
When you’re in a position like mine, you get really good at spotting people who are after you. I didn’t see any of those people in front of me, and there was a good reason; they were behind me.



Thanks for reading and I hope you laughed at some point,
TB