[Otto]

You are right, that was terrible!

Count Otto Fenring

[legio mortis]

How stereotypical. Trenches, bayonet charges and stupid commissars.

One: The Blood Pact are almost all made up of psychopathic killers. I doubt that you'd find them pissing their pants. They also think, so blind bayonet charges are out of the question.

Two: The Commissar shooting people who aren't moving fast enough? Where the hell are they going if they are sitting in a trench, and why is the Commissar just randomly shooting people like that, especially battle hardened troops like Cadians? Commissars aren't so stupid as to just shoot troopers like that if they value their life.

Three: Trenches? Just.. come on.

[Colonel_Sanders]

Originally Posted by Legio Mortis

How stereotypical. Trenches, bayonet charges and stupid commissars.

I can't blame him for wanting to be dramatic. You want to test some "tried and true" themes out when first writing.

Originally Posted by Legio Mortis

One: The Blood Pact are almost all made up of psychopathic killers. I doubt that you'd find them pissing their pants. They also think, so blind bayonet charges are out of the question.

This would have been easily fixed by simply renaming "Blood Pact" to "Cultists" in the story. Not everyone knows as much about the Blood Pact as you do, they just sound like another group of blood crazed chaos renegades.

Originally Posted by Legio Mortis

Two: The Commissar shooting people who aren't moving fast enough? Where the hell are they going if they are sitting in a trench, and why is the Commissar just randomly shooting people like that, especially battle hardened troops like Cadians? Commissars aren't so stupid as to just shoot troopers like that if they value their life.

Dear god, I practically forgot this sentence it was so quick. Yes, it should be fixed. It also shows how you're nitpicking little details on an otherwise good story.

Originally Posted by Legio Mortis

[snooty critic voice] Three: Trenches? Just.. come on. [/snooty critic voice]

As I said, it's a good theme, familiar with the audience. Trench battles are dramatic. He was going for effect, and actually did a pretty reasonable job.

In essence, your reply was unnecessary, unconstructive, and just plain mean. There are no excuses for a post like that, just own up to it and apologize.
__________________________________________________ _____

Otto: it was by no means terrible. For a first story, it was actually very good grammatically and also the actual story itself. Put it back up, and we can go over it in detail.

[khanaris]

There are many examples of trench battles in the Black Library fanfiction, and more than a few of overzealous commissars. I can't comment too much, as it has been taken down, but there is a limit to how far you can force your viewpoint on this issue.

[legio mortis]

I apologize for these remarks. It was unnessessary.

[Otto]

Oh no big deal, really.

Legio and I had it out big style via PM and have :-* and made up!

I will endeavor to redouble my efforts in the future!

I was just heavily influenced by the absolute grim nature of the Gaunt books spending so much time in trenches.

Thanks,

Otto

[Colonel_Sanders]

Alright, looks like everything's good again.

Otto, I would suggest you just read more background material. Other than small fluff problems, the story was pretty good.

[Otto]

Yes, thank you Colonel. The moment I read Legio's comment I slapped my myself about the blood pact. I have read the Gaunt series twice now and I can't believe I put that in there. No weak bladdered crazies in that crew!

Have a good'n

Otto