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Mouth full of Ash(2 chapters not a full story)
Old 10 Mar 2007, 18:50   #1 (permalink)
Join Date: Feb 2007
Location: Walking Tall thru the night...
Posts: 879
Default Mouth full of Ash(2 chapters not a full story)

Hey, I wanted to try this out, its a first chapter of a small fluff, I wanted to wright.
Apologising for spelling up in front, also plz do not laugh if I used Tau names wrong, just correct me

Chapter one I


- Ash, four klkn days and nothing but Shtlk ash! – The young Shas’la finally burst.
- It is nothing like you would of imagined, I suppose? – added with malicious smile Cal’Dak'e'shi.
- You must be joking?! – loudly answered the Shas’la.
- And what do we want with this planet anyway? Its just a bloody cold ash desert! What could possibly be so klkn valuable hear? And why am I, bloody skilled pathfinder should follow those ugly looking mutant?! I for once…
- You for once what? – swiftly interrupted him Shas’Ui, - You for once what? These “ugly looking mutant” are the only reason you still walking and not rotting in the nearest gazer! They had survived on this klkn peace of rock longer then you could remember yourself. So shut your klkn mouse, or by the name of Aun’Va I’ll put you out of your misery! – Said Shas’Ui and put the finger on the trigger of the pulse carabine.
- Hey, J'Kaara’Ka, why don’t you take it easy on the boy? – said Cal’Dak'e'shi, stepping in between them – he is just being emotional that’s all, but he’ll do his job right. Isn’t that right, Kais’Kaara?
- Yes, yes… just as you say…, - said young Shas’la with much cooler voice, - but why do we really need this place anyway?
- Because the Shas’O says we do. Its not your position to question his orders. – roughly finished J'Kaara’Ka, - and because those elder freaks have some business hear…
- And everyone knows that they do not go out joy riding on the klkn ash planes like this… -added Cal’Dak'e'shi with another malicious grin…

The group continued the movement. The planet they were deployed to was once populated by Kroots. However about 50 years ago it became another place of collision between orchish waaaagh and Black Templars. Now after 45 years of war the planet was turned to an ash plain by continued orbital bombardments. For the past 5 years the random elders squadrons were sited hear.

The silence in the squadron was interrupted by the kroot tracker. He had approached J'Kaara’Ka and pointed in to the directions of the rocks that were shaped like the dead krootox
- What does he want now? – whispered Kais’Kaara to Cal’Dak'e'shi.
- He shows that he found the clear trace of the elder scouts that we’ve been tracking for four days now, - Sharply said J'Kaara’Ka, - and do not talk behind my back. If you want something, ask me in face-to-face. That is a fare warning.
- Sorry sir, - said Shas’la.
- That’s good work, - smiled Shas’ui and shaked the kroots hand. – I know that is where our agreement ends but could you help us to track them down? – Shas’Ui added smoothly.
Kroot had shaken his head as an sing of disagreement. Then he pointed at the bags of provision and made several weird sounds.
- So what does that mean, - asked Kais’Kaara, curiously.
- That means that he will not go there, He will leave 4/5 of the provision and water. But he must returned to the camp. He said that we are welcome to come. – explained Cal’Dak'e'shi.
- He also said that no one goes to those rocks. He said that the “space witches” come there, and that his tribe did not communicate well with those creatures well, - continued Shas'Ui
- “Well”? – asked Kais’Kaara carefully.
- They ate three of the scouts last week, and got ambushed by other elders several times, - answered Shas'Ui, quikly.
- Seems to be some bad history? - smiled Cal’Dak'e'shi.
Shas’Ui turned to kroot:
- Well can you at least wait for us for a day? If after the day we will not return you can leave. What do you say? And of course I’ll ask our commander for the reward… - smoothly added Shas’Ui.
Kroot scratched his head. His face changed the shape a little bit from denial to questioning. Then he shaked his head in agreeing matter and pointed to the mounting pick.
- Ok he will give us a day and then he will leave with or without us. He will set up camp over there, - Shas’ui pointed in the same direction.
- Ok lets get moving! – Said Shas’Ui loudly.
Kroot stopped him and made another noise.
- What was this all about? Did he changed his mind? – asked Kais’Kaara.
- Not quite, he warned that the ash storm is coming in two days and that’s why he can only wait about 12 hours. – answered Shas’Ui, - which means we better hurry up! Lets get moving! – commanded Shas’Ui and then he started to run towards rocks that were shaped like the dead krootox.
- Can’t we just call in the devil fish? – asked Kais’Kaara.
- In the ash storm no devilfish will be able to find us, even if we were standing on top of the mounting and shooting in the sky, - answered Cal’Dak'e'shi, - now lets move we can not lose anymore time! – added Cal’Dak'e'shi while starting to run towards Shas’Ui.


An hour later all three of them were in less then a hundred meters from the strange rock formations. There was nothing special about it except the weird shaped rocks around it. They looked like they were twisted by some kind of storm. Some of them were smooth, just like the polished bones. However they were twisted in the variety of forms. Some of them were white as a polished skull. Some were covered with thick layer of ash making it impossible to tell their real color. Shas’Ui had suddenly stopped and raised his hand above his head. That was a signal for a squad to stop.
- Ok, - he started, quickly - This is the location that the kroot was talking about. If he was right we could encounter the elders there, - Kais’Kaara – he commanded, - do the full spectral scanning of the rock infront of us.
- Yes, sir – replied Shas’la and pulled out the spectral scanner from the back pack, - hmmm nothing but ash hear, - he quickly concluded.
- May be we should get closer, - said J'Kaara’Ka, - common lets move on! But keep your eyes open.
The group moved forward through the ash plain. Just after few steps, suddenly, Kais’Kaara ’s leg got in to some viscous liquid,
- Ahh what is this klkn thing?!, -he said and quikly pulled his leg out of the liquid.
- Three quarters of ash and one quarter of water, - said Shas’Ui without turning, - It’s a “Dirt Well.”
- Yeh, where do you think Kroot are getting there water from? – laughed Cal’Dak'e'shi.

After few minutes the group came to the bottom of the krootox shaped rock. There were more of the bone-like rock hear then before. And almost all of them had no ash on them, they looked like someone just polished them an hour ago.
Kais’Kaara broke the silence again,
- I saw these formations before, he said quietly.
- And I suppose you know what they are? – Sarcastically asked Cal’Dak'e'shi
- Yeh it is a wraith bone, Eldars are using them to build there buildings.
- Then what are these for?,- asked J'Kaara’Ka sharply, - Do you know?
- Well, no… I guess not, - Kais’Kaara said shamefully
- Then do not show off if you can’t finish it, - said Shas’Ui, - They are most likely the part of the Eldar burial ground. Its looks like that we might got into some abandoned Soul Shrine.
- Or worth, they secret one, - finished Cal’Dak'e'shi with no imotion.
- Ok history lesson is over, - said Shas’Ui, - we have to climb these rock, I think I see a rocky passage about seven or eight meters higher then we are.
He strapped his carbine to his back pack, and then stepped on the first rock in front of him. He grabbed the rock next to him and started to climb a rocky wall. Cal’Dak'e'shi and Kais’Kaara quickly packed there weapons and started to climb the rock as well. In the few minutes the squad was successfully got to the passage rocky passage above them. Shas’Ui quickly raised his hand, and then showed that the passage had fresh tracks of the humanoid like creatures. He made another sing signaling to proceed carfully.
- Kais’Kaara, Full spectral scan, whispered J'Kaara’Ka.
Kais’Kaara silently pulled out a scanner, - Kroot was right, I'm picking up all kinds of weird klkn, there is defenetly something inside these rocks, - he whispered back.
- Very well, we shell follow the passage, - said Shas’Ui, - Get ready.
He took out his carbine and switched it to the rapid mode. Then, he made a signal to proceed. The squad carefully followed the passage. In the few minuts, the passage ended... in a dead end.
- What in the klkn? Hears where the tracks ends, - indignantly whispered Kais’Kaara. The same moment, he felt the arm on his shoulder, he turned around, - and saw Cal’Dak'e'shi ‘s hand. He saw him smiling and pointing up. Kais’Kaara looked up and saw a cave eneternce about 10 meters above his head.
- Guess we are up for another climbing, - laughed Cal’Dak'e'shi.


EDIT: Chapter 2 added.
EDIT: Title, sory for any confuisions that I might of coased.
C&C plZZZ If it is Real bad say it, so I wouldn't try ;D, say anything just be honest.

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- Definitely, mostly not about the girl.
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Red_dog is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 11 Mar 2007, 11:17   #2 (permalink)
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: United Kingdom
Posts: 16,024
Default Re: Mouth full of Ash(2 chapters not a full story)

Just a few thoughts:
1) You might want to use " instead of - to signal speach. It brought up a few questions in my head with those marks, although you have marks for being consistent
2) Nouns (aka names) should have capitals. For example, Eldar, Necrons, Orks etc.

The group continued the movement.
Strange way to put they were walking. If it was some sort of ritual being performed with complex hand gestures etc. Perhaps "The group continued to move out, cautionously" would of been better?

Isn't the plural of Kroot just plain Kroot? A bit like sheep and, umm sheep?

Same thing as Kroot

Shas’Ui turned to kroot:
This sentence seems to indicate you have a character named Kroot. Not that he was turning to talk some Kroot. Just another little note, it might sound a little better if you put "The" before the sentence.

He took out his carbine and switched it to the rapid mode.
Although we get the point that he switched to rapid fire mode, could you just add in "fire" into the sentence to avoid a little confusion. Afterall, I don't think Tau have guns that have a rapid movement mode, or a rapid reload mode etc.

- Very well, we shell follow the passage, - said Shas’Ui, - Get ready.
Shell? Perhaps "Shall" would be better use here?

What in the klkn? Hears where the tracks ends
Wrong word "Hears" should be "Heres". Unless your telling me Tau suddenly have echo location? .

Anyway, nice beginning to a story. Sorry to be so harsh, but if you've learned anything, I've achieved something .
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