[Faolin]

This is just a little story that's been bouncing around in my head for a while. I finally decided to write it down when my friends and I decided to start a narrative campaign. It concerns the commander of my Tau force. As it's my first real story (as opposed to dry descriptive) piece, I'd really appreciate any criticism or suggestions anyone might have.

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The metallic ring of steel on steel echoed through the corridors of the Explorer Class vessel “Dreams of Salvation”. In a small battle dome in the ship's centre, two Fire Warriors were locked in combat, hooved feet disturbing the sand of the arena. At least thirty Shas stood in the stands above the arena, watching breathlessly as the combatants dodged and swung.

Shas’O Sa’cea Suam’sha’is Ar’tyr threw himself to one side, narrowly avoiding a blow from the butt of a pulse rifle. An instant later, and his strong arm grasped that of the Shas’ui before him, forcing his guard aside as the other arm delivered a crushing blow with his own weapon. The Shas’ui paled and flinched, but the strike did not land, stopping less then an inch from his throat. The Shas’O held the pose, muscles tensed like a spring as his eyes sought out a face in the watching crowd. Aun’el Ol’Doran was not difficult to spot, surrounded as he was by the featureless helmets of his honour guard. The Aun had requested to observe one of the Shas’O’s training exercises. Whilst the Shas’O normally preferred to be alone with his students, he would not even contemplate denying the wishes of a member of the Ethereal Caste. Below in the arena, Ar’tyr released his grip on his students arm, and the two warriors separated. As one, they turned and bowed deeply to the watching Aun.

Beneath one of the dozen helmets surrounding the Ethereal, Shas’ui Mont’yr frowned. It was not his place to question his master’s wisdom, but he could not see why the Ethereal would want to witness the conflict. Fire Warriors should only enter into combat if their commander was too incompetent to prevent it. Yet still Ar’tyr insisted that Shas’ui under his command train in hand to hand combat. Nevertheless, Mont’yr hoped that he had underestimated the Shas’O. After all, only this Shas’O and his warriors stood between the worlds of the Third Sphere and an entire Splinter Fleet. On the ground below, the defeated Shas’ui turned and left the arena. From the absence of any surprise or shame on his face, or the faces of his predecessors, told Mont’yr that the Shas’O was rarely beaten in combat. A flicker of movement drew his eyes to the stalls opposite him. A female Tau took a pulse rifle from a rack on the wall, and stepped into the arena. Mont’yr smiled as he saw several members of his team eyeing the girl speculatively. “No” Mont’yr corrected himself as he saw the rank markings in her hair. This one was as experienced as he was.

The Shas’O turned to her, his face blank as ever. “Are you ready Shas’ui?”
“Not to win.” she said, half smiling as she did so. The Shas’O frowned. A dark expression flashed across his face, but was gone before Mont’yr could see what it was. A blur of motion, and the Shas’O struck, pulse rifle slamming into his opponent’s hastily raised guard. Once, twice, and a third time the rifles slammed together, but the fourth strike broke through her guard and sped towards her chin. This time, the Shas’O did not halt the blow. The Shas’ui cried out and fell to one knee, her rifle flying from her hand. Mont’yr tensed at the sound, furious at the Shas’O for his carelessness. In the arena, the dark expression returned to the Shas’O’s face. Again he struck, hewing her leg from under her. Gasps of horror came from the Ethereal’s Honour Guard. Another strike slammed into her chest. Mont’yr and several of his team stood furiously, some hands unconsciously moving towards their weapons. The Ethereal extended his arm to block him, and spoke. “No. We must not interfere.”
Never in 10 years of service had the Ethereal came so close to making Mont’yr angry.
“But…… Blessed One, she….”
“No!” Ol’Doran said, more firmly this time. “I have seen this lesson before. It is necessary. Trust me Mont’yr.”
Mont’yr’s defiance wilted as the Ethereal held his gaze. The Aun had spoken, and he had neither the will nor the ability to disobey.

The Shas’O ignored all of them. He had eyes only for the Shas’ui coughing at his feet. He spoke, his voice surprisingly calm. “It is fatal to enter any battle without the will to win. Admit defeat is likely, and you’ve already lost.” The Shas’ui looked up at him, fear in her eyes. Ar’tyr’s face darkened with contempt and rage. “Still! Still doubt stays your hand! You are Shas!” The word rang in the thick silence of the Battle Dome. The Shas’O spoke again, so quietly Mont’yr could hardly hear it from his place in the stands.
“Doubt is your worst enemy. You came here, knowing that victory is impossible. Now you cringe at my feet, because you have allowed doubt to dim the Fire in your soul. It is that, and only that, that gave me strength to strike the creature down.” Whilst Mont’yr had no idea what the Shas’O meant, the expression on her face made it clear that the Shas’ui understood. “It was my will, not my weapons, that saved you Ce’les.”
Surprise drove fear from the Shas’ui’s face. Her face reddened, and she twisted her face away from the crowd. Mont’yr looked on in disbelief. Ce’les was obviously the Shas’ui’s first name. To refer to someone other then a bond brother by their first name was simply not done. To do so in front of a crowd was unthinkable.
The Shas’O did not seem to realise what he had done. His face was dark, and his voice cold. “They will not show you mercy. If you are to face them….. then nor can I.”
The pulse rifle moved again, slamming into the Shas’ui’s ribs and stealing her breath. But as the Shas’O raised his arms for another strike, something ignited in her eyes.
As the blow fell she caught the rifle between her palms, twisting it away as she kicked the Shas’O in the leg. He grunted, dropping the rifle as he did so. She raised it, spun it around, and with a feral scream, thrust it into his face. Ar’tyr didn’t even attempt to move. The rifle caught him on the chin and knocked him aside.
Rage melted into horror on the Shas’ui’s face. Mont’yr could tell that she had tried too late to stop the blow. Had it fully connected it would have broken the Shas’O’s jaw. Mont’yr didn’t understand why. The Shas’O had beaten her savagely, and spoken her name with a crowd to witness, yet she still held back. The Shas’O clearly had a strong influence over his subordinates. Mont’yr could only wonder what he had done to earn such a bond.
The Shas’O turned back to her, spitting blood from his mouth, and smiled. “That’s it Shas’ui. The Fire in your heart can overcome any obstacle. That is what it means to be Shas.”
He stood, bowed to the Ethereal, then the Shas’ui, and left the arena.

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In case anyone is wondering, "the creature" is a reference to a battle report I posted during the Medusa V campaign. http://fallofmedusa.tauonline.org/in...g8951.html#new

[Farseer Cold-Beer]

Great fluff for your first piece. It will play well in your up and coming Narative Campaigne (which im apart of). Nice work Faolin, I esspecially like the part where his jaw gets smacked, the thought of Tau getting hurt just brings a warmth to my heart

There wasn't much particularly amazing about the piece, although it was still a pleasure to read. There's not much I can give in the way of comments or criticism other than good job really...

[Faolin]

Would you be able to tell me what you think does make an amazing piece? I want to get better if at all possible.

If that's too hard, would you be able to direct me to a story you do think is really awesome?

Well, as far as I can say currently, this story really raises and eyebrow with the close combat aspect in a Tau setting, which, while original, is still a little odd and sorta displeases hard-core fluff readers. But as for some other things.

One of the hardest things to accomplish in a Tau army is getting the names to stick out, so you will always remember the characters involved., and while you did this well enough, there is a little room for improvement (if you were writing for Black Library or something :P).

I would have to say that one of the things I disliked was the Shas'O being in the arena in the first place for close combat, but once again I can understand all of this.

And I hate to say it, but the rest is just a sort of undescribable feeling that sorta prevades the thoughts. Don't get me wrong, it's still a great read. It's just a little awkward all around, methinks.

If you would like works that I believe are truly outstanding, I am afriad I don't really have any of them online, but most of Stephen King's works arep retty memorable, along with a few Black Library books (such as Fifteen Hours and Grey Knights; Fire Warrior being the top of the pile :P).

I hope this helps you out a bit

[Maureth]

if that's all, I'd say it feels a little incomplete, even for a short story.
Maureth

[Faolin]

The reason it's incomplete is the rest hasn't been decided. It's just a precursor to a narrative campaign I and a few friends will be running, introducing the characters in my faction. The actual story will be written around the results of that campaign.

Exactly when is this campaign going to be taking place? Just a little random knowledge to please me...

[Faolin]

Whenever it's ready to start. We've just got a few more details to iron out before it begins. As we're all busy and/or lazy, I have no idea how long that will actually take.

Hopefully soon though.