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Duty Bound
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Old 24 Sep 2006, 22:45   #1 (permalink)
Shas'Saal
 
Join Date: Mar 2006
Location: Austin, Texas
Posts: 210
Default Duty Bound

First Story I wrote about the Black Hands http://forums.tauonline.org/index.ph...#msg1058101540

This is Duty Bound about same characters but different stories

Here is a link to Part II
http://forums.tauonline.org/index.ph...#msg1058126743

Duty Bound

Palatine Karin strode into the underground bunker with the superior attitude that only an Adepta Sororita could exude. The bunker was filled with dirty men that could barley be called soldiers of the Imperial Guard. Pathetic, she thought as she looked around the bunker and saw the empty bottles of amasec and pornography littered through the bunker.

The “soldiers” wore uniforms that were far under standard military qualifications, but then again Karin was not a member of the Guard. Her power armour did not have one smudge and was perfectly polished.

In the far corner of the bunker, Karin spotted her quarry, at an overturned ammo crate four men were playing cards. She saw a large man that was just as poorly dressed as the rest of this rabble but there was no mistaking the trade mark scar running down the man’s left eye. The man's name was Kale of the Hellion 132nd or the “Black Hands” as they had come to be known.

“Major Kale, I will have a word with you, now.” Karin said as she approached the men. “That is Lieutenant Kale, woman, state your business.” The soldier responded

“Not anymore, high command has decided to promote you, as you are the only surviving member of the original officer core.”

“How lucky for me.” Kale replied

“I don’t think its luck, high command did replace the officer’s ranks with non-Hellion officers but they all ended up killed in action.”

“Not very lucky for them, I don't know if I like what you are implying palatine. listen women you are not wanted here, nor needed, go back to your chaple and pray you don't need my help on field of battle.”

Karin had had enough of this T'auk'cka'era, she kicked the ammo crate sending cards and money flying through the air.

“You listen to me Kale and you listen well, the Ordo Hereticus has their eye on you, if you or your men show any signs of turning from the light of the Emperor like your traitorous brethren then my sisters will cleanse you with holy fire and wipe you from the face of this planet.”

Kale leaned back in his chair a grin coming across his face, stretching the scar tissue running down his eye.
“Is this all you have come here for woman, to threaten me and my men? If it is, then leave, if not state your business.”

“The Inquisitor demands your service and that of your men.”

Kale snorted “That fething T'auk'cka can kiss my D'yi, he can come here himself and ask properly, then maybe, he could only lick my boots.” There were load chuckles and laughs form the Black Hands around the bunker

“You have said what you came here to say women now be gone.” Kale waived her away and started to pickup the scattered cards and money on the ground. Kale froze when he felt the nuzzle of Karin’s bolt pistol pressed against his head.

Karin saw the men around Kale instantly pull las and autopistols out of nowhere, she had not even realised the men were armed when she approached. Karin was not deterred or scared in the slightest, they are fools if they think they can kill me

“You whelp, did I not say the Inquisitor “demands” you and your men do not have a choice in the matter.” Karin slid back the action and cocked her weapon in a slow and deliberate manner.

Karin could feel the tension build in the smal confines of the bunker, murder was in the air, maybe these men are more dangerous than I thought and not the puny rabble they appear to be

“Easy woman, think with that pretty little head of yours, you are facing men who have known nothing but war their entire life’s, My regiment was raised thirty years ago with over ten thousand men, we fought for the Emperor on many worlds, we fought and died, we now only number over two thousand, and when we come home we find our world in flames because our “beloved” Imperial Governor joined with Xeno scum, we are not what you want for enemies. You have heard of our saying?”

“Yes, I know what you and your men have done, I have heard the stories.”

“Good it will save me some time, “Blood for Blood” that is what we say, you kill me and my men will not only tear you apart, but your fething sisters and that T'auk'cka Inquisitor, you understand?”

Karin lowered her weapon, “I understand Kale and I know your type, but like I said you do not have a choice and neither do your men, the Inquisitor has found the perfect job for you, you have been reassigned to special operations under the direct command of the Inquisition, you will receive your orders with in the hour.” Karin holstered her pistol, turned and headed for the exit, the assembled guardsmen did not lower their weapons as she left.

“Say women, what is this job your master has for the Black Hands of Hellion?” Kale called

“A way for you to regain your honor in the eyes of the Imperial Guard and the Ordo Hereticus, hunt down and destroy your traitorous brothers the last regiment raised from Hellion Prime the ones who joined the Tau and started this whole fething mess.” Karin replied as she walked out of the bunker and into the night.
__________________
"If your soldiers show fear in the face of the Emperor's enemies, shoot the first man that falters. If this does not work shoot a man until the unit is either functioning properly or decimated. There can be no fear in the Imperial Guard."

----

Comment attributed to Commissar Ran Creed Attached to the Savlar 42nd

Status -- Killed by Friendly Fire
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Old 24 Sep 2006, 23:06   #2 (permalink)
Shas'O
 
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Default Re: Duty Bound

This looks good. More. I demand more.
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Old 26 Sep 2006, 22:25   #3 (permalink)
Shas'Saal
 
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Default Re: Duty Bound

Wow thats very good,Im wanting more NOW! ;D This was very well done,and I can see that this is going to get extremly bloody,keep um up!
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I could almost see that.
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Old 27 Sep 2006, 00:15   #4 (permalink)
Shas'Ui
 
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Default Re: Duty Bound

Duty Bound

Quote:
Palatine Karin strode into the underground bunker with the superior attitude that only an Adepta Sororita could exude. The bunker was filled with dirty men that could barley be called soldiers of the Imperial Guard. Pathetic, she thought as she looked around the bunker and saw the empty bottles of amasec and pornography littered through the bunker.
Barely

i think it would be more decisive of the she pathetic, possibly italize it for more enthusiasm.

Quote:
The “soldiers” wore uniforms that were far under standard military qualifications, but then again Karin was not a member of the Guard. Her power armour did not have one smudge and was perfectly polished.
Bit of an info dump

Quote:
In the far corner of the bunker, Karin spotted her quarry, at an overturned ammo crate four men were playing cards. She saw a large man that was just as poorly dressed as the rest of this rabble but there was no mistaking the trade mark scar running down the man’s left eye. The man's name was Kale of the Hellion 132nd or the “Black Hands” as they had come to be known.
You don't need to say she saw, we would assume she saw him if you just said he was there.

Quote:
“Major Kale, I will have a word with you, now.” Karin said as she approached the men. “That is Lieutenant Kale, woman, state your business.” The soldier responded


“Not anymore, high command has decided to promote you, as you are the only surviving member of the original officer core.”

“How lucky for me.” Kale replied

“I don’t think its luck, high command did replace the officer’s ranks with non-Hellion officers but they all ended up killed in action.”

“Not very lucky for them.”
good dialogue, very chracterful.

Quote:
Karin had had enough of this T'auk'cka'era, she kicked the ammo crate sending cards and money flying through the air.
she seems too unprovoked, even for someone with a hot temper

Quote:
“You listen to me Kale and you listen well, the Ordo Hereticus has their eye on you, if you or your men show any signs of turning from the light of the Emperor like your traitorous brethren then my sisters will cleanse you with holy fire and wipe you from the face of this planet.”

Kale leaned back in his chair a grin coming across his face, stretching the scar tissue running down his eye.
“Is this all you have come here for woman, to threaten me and my men? If it is, then leave, if not state your business.”

“The Inquisitor demands your service and that of your men.”

Kale snorted “That fething T'auk'cka can kiss my D'yi, he can come here himself and ask properly, then maybe, he could only lick my boots.” There were load chuckles and laughs form the Black Hands around the bunker

“You have said what you came here to say women now be gone.” Kale waived her away and started to pickup the scattered cards and money on the ground. Kale froze when he felt the nuzzle of Karin’s bolt pistol pressed against his head.
it seems like this sentence is from Jale's PoV. try: He froze when karin pressed the nuzzle of her bolt pistol against his head.

Quote:
“You whelp, did I not say the Inquisitor “demands” you and your men do not have a choice in the matter.” Karin slid back the action and cocked her weapon in a slow and deliberate manner.
i think you want mor eemphasis on demand? if so then it should be italized.

Quote:
“Easy woman, think with that pretty little head of yours, you are facing men who have known nothing but war their entire life’s, My regiment was raised thirty years ago with over ten thousand men, we fought for the Emperor on many worlds, we fought and died, we now only number over two thousand, and when we come home we find our world in flames because our “beloved” Imperial Governor joined with Xeno scum, we are not what you want for enemies. You have heard of our saying?”

“Yes, I know what you and your men have done, I have heard the stories.”

“Good it will save me some time, “Blood for Blood” that is what we say, you kill me and my men will not only tear you apart, but your fething sisters and that T'auk'cka Inquisitor, you understand?”

Karin lowered her weapon, “I understand Kale and I know your type, but like I said you do not have a choice and neither do your men, the Inquisitor has found the perfect job for you, you have been reassigned to special operations under the direct command of the Inquisition, you will receive your orders with in the hour.” Karin holstered her pistol, turned and headed for the exit, the assembled guardsmen did not lower their weapons as she left.

“Say women, what is this job your master has for the Black Hands of Hellion?” Kale called

“A way for you to regain your honor in the eyes of the Imperial Guard and the Ordo Hereticus, hunt down and destroy your traitorous brothers the last regiment raised from Hellion Prime the ones who joined the Tau and started this whole fething mess.” Karin replied as she walked out of the bunker and into the night.
Nice work, you know your characters well. I would have liked to knwo how the soldiers he was playing guard with reacted to Karin's threats. Though it is good, your story is blakc and white right now, you need to move up from just the play by play and add in color to your writing.
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Old 27 Sep 2006, 00:35   #5 (permalink)
Shas'Saal
 
Join Date: Mar 2006
Location: Austin, Texas
Posts: 210
Default Re: Duty Bound

thanks for the critique, I actually wrote this in Word and pasted it to the forum, the exact things you said like italicized this or that, were italicized but they did not transfer to this format, I will modify, read duty bound part II tell me what you think, I am a very amateur writer, at best
__________________
"If your soldiers show fear in the face of the Emperor's enemies, shoot the first man that falters. If this does not work shoot a man until the unit is either functioning properly or decimated. There can be no fear in the Imperial Guard."

----

Comment attributed to Commissar Ran Creed Attached to the Savlar 42nd

Status -- Killed by Friendly Fire
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