[LoTide]

this is just a roughdraft, so, rip it apart for me plz!

CHAPTER 1: In the Pitch of Night

Brother Sergeant Scalis of the Chapter Ever Knights glanced over the ledge of the thick, rockrete barricade wall. the Tyranids were nowere to be seen, "all clear!!" he yelled. As the dust and grit cleared from the rocky desert landscape, seven more Marines emerged from behind the wall. Sporting light brown armor and darkgreen shoulder and kneepads. The warriors of the green specialist nid hunters look like they belong in the woods, not a barren waistland like this. in the pitch of night the Marines scanned the area for movement.

"Clear!" yelled Sonin, the tactical squads second. The rugged, fatigued marines hopped over the wall, and ran for the forward wall. Scalis held out his hand and the others stopped dead. Something moved up ahead, and all guns moved in that direction. The nids didn't come from that direction, but they came from everywhere else. Lictors burst out of the ground from everywhere. Brother Brosler didn't have time to react before he was impaled by a massive barbed scythe. the Marines acted quick and returned the ambush by a hail of bullets. "take 'em out, no survivors!!!" yelled Scalis, as he ripped a gaping hole the the gut of a charging Lictor. Crozim let loose his flamer and incinerated another lictor, luckily, there were only five. The last lictor still had the lifeless Brosler stuck on its scythe. Letram turned to dispatch the beast, but instead was met by another scythe. His head removed, Letram dropped his rocket launcher and fell backwards. Brother Hetra turned and fired a stream of bolter rounds into its armoured chest, but to no effect. The others turned as well to meet the monster head on, firing everything they had at it. But before the Lictor was ripped to shreds, it smacked Hetra out of the way with a blood covered scythe. He was sent flying and crashed into a trench, unconscious. the rest of his teammates were too distracted by a charged horde of termagaunts. Squad Scalis was about to meet head on with the horde, when a huge explosion incinerated the center of the gaunt horde. Brother Sergeant Scalis turned around o see a massive predator tank emerge from the dust. He raised his Chainblade let out a battle cry, "charge!!!" the Squad charged forward in a raised battle cry, letting off short bursts of fire as the tanks side mounted bolters sent sheets of bullets into the nids advance. the charge was abruptly ended when an earth shattering roar bellowed through the dusty night. the biotitan had arrived.

End CH1...

[AuinMyrrath]

It's a good start, but you could fix up spelling & grammar to make the read a bit easier.

A few other things:
- Bolters fire bolts, not bullets - hense why a volley would tear a Lictor to bits, as every bolt is a .75 calibre mass-reactive explosive.
- Marines can take much more punishment than you give them credit for... being knocked out by a throw is unlikely, as is fatigue... even when out of combat, they sleep less than 1/2 hours a day.

[LoTide]

i know, but they've bee out there for weeks. and i kknow they're called bolts. i dont even know why i called them bullets! heheh!! and the whole 'knocked out' thing, it was caused by a combo of landing on his head and the hive mind, that will be revealed more in part 2. oh, and the Lictor smacking it out of the way was more of a concussive force from all the bolter fire!

[Tauroc]

generaly well described, you get a good feeling of the speed at which the action takes place, but there is one thing that stands out, fluffwise, as wrong...

Lictors seem to come out of owhere, with their extreme camouflage, not the ground.

Raveners come out of the ground and could have a similar account written about them. This is because the main thing you say about the lictors is about their 'barbed spickes', which Raveners (especially the older models) have too.

~The Reaper

[LoTide]

Curse me and my short-term memory loss!!! your right, i was thinking Ravener!