[Frosty05]

It was sunset and Shas'ui Kais was sitting in the devilfish, examining his pulse rifle for any signs of contamination from the tyranid foe. The Tyranids had retreated it seemed, thrown back by the sheer volume of fire the Tau were pumping out of their guns. Suddenly, the devilfish shook, and a huge spray of acid spurted out of the wall and killed one of Kais' fellow warriors. They rushed outside to see a huge carnifex firing a Venom Cannon at the Tau vehicles, behind him the deadly chittering horde of Hormagaunts. They were closing in fast, but a flanking team of broadsides fired their railguns at the carnifex, blowing him apart in a hail of corrosive acid. Kais' team closed up to the wall, and started pumping out shots at the hormagaunts. Many fell, but it seemed that there were too many and they were closing in fast. They jumped back abourd the Devilfish, and zoomed back half a mile to the previous defensive point.

They disembarked, and looked back at the hormagaunts, and found that some other Fire Warrior teams didn't take the initiative, and were being ripped apart by the tremendous tearing power of the tryranid claws. They rushed off to an ammo storage, and relaoded their guns. They rushed back to find that the hormagaunts were closing in again, in a swarm of terrible claws, but were taking alot of time to climb up the hill that they had just effortlessly zoomed acroos in their devilfish. They unloaded shots at the hormagaunts, and a few seconds later a huge fiery blossom lifted from the ground, and the hormagaunts were annihilated, in a spray of alien blood. They looked back at what had fired, and it was a Hammerhead reinforcement.

The Fire Warrior teams cheered, then turned their attentions back to the battle. A terribly huge Hive Tyrant was striding confidently up the hill, and the broadsides opened fire on it, but couldn't damage it because of it's hard armored shell. Kais issued the order for his team to fall back to the ammo dump and get drone controllers and sniper drones, to take out the hive tyrant. It was a minute later they returned, and the gigantic hive tyrant had almost reached their lines. They prepared to fire, aimed, and a volley of high velocity slugs crashed into the hive tyrants face, blowing it's head apart in a flurry of acid. It fell backwards, crushing an unfortunate battlesuit who happened to be jump jetting away. The tyranid threat was defeated, and they embarked their devilfish and flew back to HQ.

Good?

[Wargamer]

Very bland.

You need to split up the story into paragraphs, for one thing.

Also, your character was, ultimately, pointless. We don't know anything about him, not even his rank! It makes the story very boring to read.


One key element missing is the horror of the Tyranids. They did not come across as a terrible hoard... they didn't come across as anything! You failed to convey anything at all! It was possibly the most boring fight in the history of either race!

The Tyranids are meant to be the most frightening enemy you can possibly face. Write like it.

[Frosty05]

It was only short, how do I change the character to make him more, well... Characterful? Any suggestions?

I'll modify.

[Praying Mantidae]

Originally Posted by Fire Dragon

It was only short, how do I change the character to make him more, well... Characterful? Any suggestions?

Make your short stories... longer. It doesn't need to be three paragraphs to be short. As long as its not a novel, its a short story. Your grammar needs work, but I'm going to ignore that.

As wargamer said, try to convey the true horror of the Tyranids. Try something like: "Kais' squad took up a firing post in an abandoned Imperial building. He peeked out of a window and saw an ocean of bioconstructs. He heard the scraping of chitin, the screeching of the Warriors communicating. He saw the gigantic carnifexes surrounded by the razor sharp claws of the Hormogaunts in their thousands storming towards the Tau's fortified position. Kais knew in that instant that the line would not hold." In other words, make it a desperate battle against all the odds. Because against the Tyranids, the odds are almost always against you. It all depends on whether or not you want the Tau to be victorious. Let's face it, when the Nids set their sights on a planet to consume, there is very little to stop them. In all honesty I'd find the story even better, and more emotionally charged, if the Tau lost their fight.

And who is Kais? Where does he come from? Does he have a family? Does he have friends? Fill out your character.

Keep writing, the more you practice, the better you get.