Tau Empire Codex 2013 | Army Builder Program
Dark Angels Codex 2013
Chaos Daemons Codex 2013
Chaos Space Marines Codex 2012

Warhammer 40k Forum Tau Online

 

Warhammer 40K Forum

Short story WIP
Closed Thread
Old 27 Sep 2005, 19:55   #1 (permalink)
Shas'La
 
Join Date: Jul 2005
Location: Runcorn, England
Posts: 454
Default Short story WIP

this is the first 40k orientated story that i have ever written so please, criticism would be well appreciated and i hope that you all enjoy what there is.



He walked down past the lines of assembled men, toward the guard lieutenant, Ornoff was it? he tried to remember.

"Master Aduro, I thank you for assisting here to rid us of these foul chaos beasts", the young officer saluted with a bandaged

shoulder, he winced and a stab of pain flashed across his already tired face.

"Our order lives to exterminate daemonic chaos filth like this, and the inquisition exists to persecute the heretics scarred and

touched by the enemy. We can but serve lieutenant." Aduro said, inclining his head as he did so. his short range vox crackled.

"make ready your men, the archenemy is nearly upon us." Ornoff saluted again and hurried over to a struggling autocannon

team who had gotten the ammo drum jammed into the loading mechanism.

Aduro continued to walk across the lines,l over to where his two squads of grey knights in power armour, and the single

squad of stormtroopers were all standing, checking and arming their weapons. Brother Sedo approached, just returned from

a reconnaissance mission into the nearby woodland, He saluted to Master Aduro.

"The enemy scum is mustering behind that rise up ahead, they are led by a blasphemous abomination of a daemon and

number many." Aduro considered this for a moment then nodded.

"Move your squads over to the flank to bolster the guard, they seem to have suffered badly over the past few days and if we

are to win this then we will need their considerable firepower to target the key heretics."

"Master" replied the bowing justicars simoultaneously.

"The Emperor protects, brothers" blessed Aduro as his two bretheren saluted and moved over to position their squads

amongst the guard platoons. He turned to the stormtrooper sargent, Karel. He was a barrel chested man with muscular

forearms like giant hams and a thin, razor sharp face. His enourmous hands dwarfed the trigger mechanism of the hellgun, as

he double checked his weapon he looked up into the towering figure of Grand Master Aduro.

"Where shall i deploy my squad?", he added a "sir" on the end only for courtesys sake. Aduro had always admired Karel

for his frankness with him, he ignored the amazing level of respect that Aduro commanded from members of his order, he

regarded him as friend, an equal. aduro smiled.

"You sargent, can place your forces into that woodland to cover the advance" as much as Karel lacked respect for Aduro, he

had to admit that his squad was the only one to have ever lasted long in their previous battles, and their sharp eyes did them

justice in combat and scouting alike.

"You heard the man, move, move, move!" Karel turned and saluted, "The Emperor protects ... sir". he joined his squad as

they jogged up the hill toward the forest and dissappeared into the heavy, green foliage.

----

Sargent Laine heard the sounds before his troops. The terribble howling and screeching, the blood curdlingly high screams.

The sounds made his gorge rise up to his throat. Then the lower more rhythmic noise of wingbeats, wings so collossal that

he saw them before he saw the abiomination. He beheld it now, twenty feet tall, it had a simple humanoid body but grossly

enlarged, apart from the huge black leathery wings sprouting from its shoulderblades which were carrying the creature accross

the hill just metres from the floor. Its flesh was soaked in globules of blood, glistening in the morning sun, chaos runes were

gouged into its crimson upper body and torso, horrific symbols and pictograms. A chain of bloodied skulls adorned its well built

neck and waist, veins and arteries bulged out all over its trim muscular form,. Its huge clawed feet spread wide as it landed on

the dew covered turf atop the hill.

Laine raised his lasrifle and took aim, his breath coming in short gasps. it screamed, a horriffic screeching wail. The pressure on

his eardrums was building and he could see that nearby troopers attempting to stenm the flow of viscious nosebleeds, or simply

cowering on the floor with their hands clasped to their ears. Infact even he could taste the coppery tang of blood, he felt his

nose and found, to his horror, that it was bleeding profusely.

Where the feck were they? He copuldn't see them anywhere, he could feel the morale of the men slipping away, at being

unable to see any of their support. He needed them here, now but he couldn't see a single marine.

Again he drew up his lasgun, but this time he saw his platoon do the same. He had to stop the creature from getting to his

lines, he knew that it would decimate his beleagured troopers if it came down to close quarters.

"Aim!" he cried "In the name of the Holy Emperor, FIRE!" the snap-crack of sixty lasrifles filled the air and bolts of light hit the

abomination in its chest and head, its arms drew up infront of its eyes as the thick hide absorbed the shots. It laughed and

bellowed "Blood for the blood god! KHORNE!" in a deafening cry. The last word seared into the men's heads like a white hot

poker. There was a brief falter in the imperial fire, which soon soon regained itself, albeit somewhat weaker as most of the

troopers had fallen to their knees and begun to vomit vigourously onto the ground.

Sixty feet away Lieutenant Ornoff screamed "OPEN FIRE!" to the nearby heavy weapon teams and soon the crack of las was

joined by the chatter of .60 auto rounds and the hevier thwuk thwuk of bolter fire. The single lascannon that the

platoon had, soon opened up too, adding its higher pitched shriek-crack to the deafening wall of sound.


thats all i got so far and i hoped you liked it, as i said before comments would be deeply appreciated. lets hope i cna continue with the story then.

cya round ;D
__________________
Pessemists are just optimists with more experience

Innocence proves nothing...well most of the time anyway

You're just jealous because the voices are talking to me!

THE guard anthem:
"For the passion, for the glory,
for the memories, for the money,
you're a soldier for your country"
these colours don't run - iron maiden.
Sargent Ceglan Varl is offline  
Old 27 Sep 2005, 21:06   #2 (permalink)
Shas'El
 
Join Date: Jun 2005
Location: New England - United States of America
Posts: 3,461
Default Re: Short story WIP

Pretty good. Just PLEASE make good use of grammer and mechanics, mostly being capitalization.
__________________

A fantastic sig by Kais.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Rev_Enge(spc)
And there we have it. Gentlemen, we give you Black Behemoth, future Supreme Overlord of Earth.
Black Behemoth is offline  
Old 27 Sep 2005, 22:12   #3 (permalink)
Shas'Ui
 
Join Date: Aug 2005
Location: Fort Collins Colorado
Posts: 882
Default Re: Short story WIP

Don't double space. It is really awkward to read that way.
__________________
When you wish upon a star, your wish may come true. Unless that star is a meteorite hurtling towards the earth. In that case you're just screwed; unless you wished for death by meteorite.
Commander_Vimes is offline  
Old 28 Sep 2005, 14:48   #4 (permalink)
Shas'La
 
Join Date: Jul 2005
Location: Runcorn, England
Posts: 454
Default Re: Short story WIP

thanks guys, capitals i have trouble typing all the time thats why i prefer to write things down, and i thought that double spacing the lines makes them easier to read, but oh well. the next installment should be up here later on if all goes well.

thanks again ;D
__________________
Pessemists are just optimists with more experience

Innocence proves nothing...well most of the time anyway

You're just jealous because the voices are talking to me!

THE guard anthem:
"For the passion, for the glory,
for the memories, for the money,
you're a soldier for your country"
these colours don't run - iron maiden.
Sargent Ceglan Varl is offline  
Old 28 Sep 2005, 20:11   #5 (permalink)
Shas'La
 
Join Date: Jul 2005
Location: Runcorn, England
Posts: 454
Default Re: Short story WIP

lets hope this is slightly better than the last installment.

The noise of gunfire awoke brothers Sedo and Aqueus from their prayer and the glowing pearly light that had been building, concealing the marines as they prayed, died away in an instant. Sedo stood up and looked down to his comrade who was still kneeling "Come brother, we must purge this land of the enemy's filthy stench."
Aqueus rose and placed a heavy hand on his shoulder, "Together, we shall". They turned to their squads and holding their crackling electric blue blades into the air cried in unison "For the Emperor!". the grey knights charged forth, being led by the justicars up the hill into the clouds of mist.

They met the charging chaos marines head on, massive figures with scarred and cracked armour. Their helmets shaped into foul alien grotesques, horns sprouting from the sides and top, only to curl upwards and around. Sharp augmetic monotone cries were issuing from each, undoubtedly each was a blasphemous exclamation against the Emperor.
Reciting an imperial prayer over his short range vox, Aqueus' bolter burst the head and torso of a chaos marine and blew the kneecap off another. he brought his nemesis force weapon to bear, using the shaft of the halberd as a quarterstaff. He spun and blocked, jabbed and scythed and two more marines fell about him. His sizzling blade cut through another marine like a knife through butter. His movements flowing and gliding into one fluid sweep, which only practiced skill could perform. As he lunged forward, impaleing a chaos marine through its screeching mask, he saw one of his number, his closest companion and friend, Ludra dead on the ground, decapitated by a bolter shot.
"For Ludra! for the God Emperor!" he screamed as he charged into the remaining marine, knocking it to the floor and thrusting down with his blade, shattering its ribcage and slicing open its mutilated heart.

Out of breath he wheeled and looked around, checking for other losses. There was a crack and the resounding psywave knocked two more of his squad into the dirt. Aqueus threw himself down as horrendous fire rained down into his squad blowing another of his comrades legs off. "Holy Terra!" Aqueus exclaimed as he scrambled to his feet, he charged toward the nearest of the newly arrived marines, screaming with rage and anguish. Shot after shot zipped over his shoulders and pinged off of his armour as he ploughed into the squad. He disemboweled one of his adversaries with a deft twist of the blade and then turned toward a new opponent. But he could tell that this was no ordinary marine, the staff and gleaming ruby power sword stood him apart from the others, the air around this one seemed to pulsate and shimmer. As Aqueus threw himself into this new opponent, one word appeared in his mind: Sorcerer

again constructive criticism would be dearly appreciated
__________________
Pessemists are just optimists with more experience

Innocence proves nothing...well most of the time anyway

You're just jealous because the voices are talking to me!

THE guard anthem:
"For the passion, for the glory,
for the memories, for the money,
you're a soldier for your country"
these colours don't run - iron maiden.
Sargent Ceglan Varl is offline  
Old 30 Sep 2005, 23:01   #6 (permalink)
Shas'Ui
 
Join Date: Aug 2005
Location: Fort Collins Colorado
Posts: 882
Default Re: Short story WIP

Double spacing is good for school assignments but not stories. Authors use blank lines to break up dialouge and change scenes. Double spacing takes that away. The way you have it in the second update is fine. For your first piece the descriptions and action is very good. Something that really helps things flow faster and smoother is concision. Drop all unecessary statements and trim down sentences of extra fluff.

Take this bit.
Quote:
They turned to their squads and holding their crackling electric blue blades into the air cried in unison "For the Emperor!". the grey knights charged forth, being led by the justicars up the hill into the clouds of mist.
Trim it down to "They turned to their squads, held their crackling electric blue blades aloft, and charged up the hill criying in unison "For the Emperor!". Their squads joined the battle cry and followed them up the misty hill."
You'll need to include the fact that they are justicars a bit earlier, probably when you first introduce them in the first sentence.

Quote:
They met the charging chaos marines head on, massive figures with scarred and cracked armour. Their helmets shaped into foul alien grotesques, horns sprouting from the sides and top, only to curl upwards and around. Sharp augmetic monotone cries were issuing from each, undoubtedly each was a blasphemous exclamation against the Emperor.
The descriptions in first sentence belong in the second. Also, you can easily combine the three sentences into two shorter ones with something like this, "Braying blasphemous curses from their grotesque horned helmets, the chaos marines slammed into the charging Grey knights. Ancient and cracked black armor mixed with the smooth grey as the two sides crashed through each others front lines."
Much more concise and sets up the action.

Good job. I look forward to more.
__________________
When you wish upon a star, your wish may come true. Unless that star is a meteorite hurtling towards the earth. In that case you're just screwed; unless you wished for death by meteorite.
Commander_Vimes is offline  
Old 01 Oct 2005, 11:50   #7 (permalink)
Shas'La
 
Join Date: Jul 2005
Location: Runcorn, England
Posts: 454
Default Re: Short story WIP

thanks i'll shorten down the sentances then and i'll try to include the description in the right places :-[ there should be some more in a few days but thanks again
__________________
Pessemists are just optimists with more experience

Innocence proves nothing...well most of the time anyway

You're just jealous because the voices are talking to me!

THE guard anthem:
"For the passion, for the glory,
for the memories, for the money,
you're a soldier for your country"
these colours don't run - iron maiden.
Sargent Ceglan Varl is offline  
Old 01 Oct 2005, 20:35   #8 (permalink)
Shas'La
 
Join Date: Jul 2005
Location: Runcorn, England
Posts: 454
Default Re: Short story WIP

here goes

Sedo had followed Aqueus’ squad up the rise, and when they had engaged Sedo moved his squad around to the flank to cover a counter attack from the enemy. The squads drew level and Sedo could see the bodies of the fallen lying in the grass, somehow peacefully silent and still in the thick of combat. He could hear Aqueus’ exclamations and prayers over the vox along with hideous noises, undoubtedly issuing from the opposing chaos marines. He could see yet more marines charging forth, into the heat of the combat supporting those already involved in the bloody fighting with Aqueus’ squad.
“Sir?” Sedo turned to face one of his squad, Yael, who had run with Sedo up the hill and was now crouching down in the same ditch, along with the rest of the squad.
“Sir, should we not be supporting brother Aqueus in his fight…” the rest of the sentence was lost as a beam of dirty red plasma hit Yael in the chest and burned through, so much so that Sedo could see light through the hole before Yael fell forward spread-eagled never to question again. Now the dull clack of bolters opened up with the screeching plasma weapon, and deadly fire was soon whickering down on Sedo's squad.
“Return Fire!” Sedo shouted but already two of his squad had begun to fire back at the assaulting chaos marines, dropping one and wounding another. The squad’s heavy weapons man, Svolda, crawled forth next to Sedo and rested his great psycannon barrel on the edge of the ditch, he squeezed the trigger and solid, white hot bolts shot forth into the ranks of enemy marines at an extreme cycle rate, the gun tried to buck and leap but Svolda’s immense strength held it steady. He stitched lines of white fire across the enemy squads and hit the plasma gunner square in the chest, blowing his ribcage apart and throwing the corpse through the air. The plasma exploded in a violent plume of fire and blinding light as it cooked three more marines who had been too close to the gunner when the ammunition had gone up. Svolda whooped over to vox as he shredded another chaos marine who had dived out of the way of the explosion.
Svolda didn’t hear it over the noise of his weapon, but Sedo did, a distant crack, like that of a whip, then within an instant Sedo had been knocked off of his feet by a wall of sheer force, he hit the ground hard and blacked out. Svolda was hit from the side and was flung from the lip of the ditch backwards, his neck snapped backwards and broke as he hit the floor. The rest of the squad were knocked over and soon started to recover.
He lifted his head and opened his eyes, he was on his back, oh how his body ached! It felt like he had been hit by a land raider, he tried to push himself up but his arms shook too much, he collapsed back to the floor. A hand grasped his upper arm in a firm grip and hoisted him upright, he lifted his head and found himself looking into the face of Grand Master Aduro.
“I’ve brought along some friends” he said as he supported Sedo. The screech of tank tracks made Sedo turn his head sharply, two Leman Russ battle tanks were rolling up the hill towards them, both battle cannons roared and the shells slammed into a squad of chaos marines dazed by their sudden arrival and the psywave which had knocked them down also. The shells hit the squad and every one of the marines was vaporised as they tried to get out of the way.
“I believe Aqueus is in need of some help” said Aduro hurriedly “you must go and assist him brother”. Sedo nodded, he leant down and picked up his nemesis force halberd, still crackling and glowing, with one hand and Svolda's psycannon with the other. He ran toward the sounds of combat, his body screaming in protest and pain, but his spirit burning and roaring in defiance and triumph.
Aduro watched him go then turned to the rest of Sedo’s squad and the two battle tanks, he looked at them then
“Roll out! Go and purge this land of these foul beasts!” he bellowed. At this the two tanks and the last few Grey knights moved off to drive a stake through the withered heart of the foul beast that was chaos on that world.
__________________
Pessemists are just optimists with more experience

Innocence proves nothing...well most of the time anyway

You're just jealous because the voices are talking to me!

THE guard anthem:
"For the passion, for the glory,
for the memories, for the money,
you're a soldier for your country"
these colours don't run - iron maiden.
Sargent Ceglan Varl is offline  
Old 01 Oct 2005, 21:13   #9 (permalink)
Shas'El
 
Join Date: Jul 2005
Location: Runcorn - England
Posts: 3,582
Send a message via MSN to major_rawne02
Default Re: Short story WIP

well written and characterful - the added use of companionship really gives the effect of a close knit brotherhood.


I disagree with what commander_vimes said earlier as I think that it is the extra details that really add character to a story.
__________________
Quote:
Originally Posted by Silk Fanboy
See tarik you're the only smart one
major_rawne02 is offline  
Old 01 Oct 2005, 21:36   #10 (permalink)
Shas'La
 
Join Date: Jul 2005
Location: Runcorn, England
Posts: 454
Default Re: Short story WIP

woohoo more opinions yay! im trying my best to fit in what you guys say so i hope its gettin better. ;D
__________________
Pessemists are just optimists with more experience

Innocence proves nothing...well most of the time anyway

You're just jealous because the voices are talking to me!

THE guard anthem:
"For the passion, for the glory,
for the memories, for the money,
you're a soldier for your country"
these colours don't run - iron maiden.
Sargent Ceglan Varl is offline  
Closed Thread

Bookmarks


Currently Active Users Viewing This Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
 
Thread Tools
Display Modes

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are On
Pingbacks are On
Refbacks are On


Similar Threads
Thread Thread Starter Forum Replies Last Post
Short Story ilveIG159 Fluff/Stories 5 20 Apr 2008 01:39
Next short story Circus Freak Forces of Chaos 1 10 Nov 2007 23:00
The story of a Paradise World gone to hell. (Short story) Luy22 Fluff/Stories 2 08 May 2007 22:26
My short story Aun_shaun Enclave Talk 4 03 Mar 2006 12:58