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Why I love Star Wars
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Old 26 Aug 2005, 12:23   #1 (permalink)
Shas'El
 
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Default Why I love Star Wars

I love Star Wars. No, I really do. I liked the OT because (apart from a few faults) it was on the whole a mature and enjoyable space saga. I like the PT Ė because itís so hilariously stupid and it makes such a mockery of the OT that it gives me an opportunity to practice my laughing skills. Take a lookÖ.

Episode 1 Madness:

Boss Nass: Jar Jar, yousa useless lout. Yousa lazy, yousa clumsy, yousa stupid. Da gungans not like you, thatís why yousa were exiled. Somehow dis qualifies you to be da general of entire Gungan army. Congratulations Jar Jar.
Jar Jar: Yaaaaaaaaaaaaaay, meesa happy. (Turns to gungan beside him.) I order yousa to get meesa a bowl of water.
Gungan: yousa thirsty Jar Jar?
Jar Jar: No, meesa just stepped in Bantha poo.
George Lucas: Hey guys, you might like to know that I did this in episode 5 as well, when I made Luke the joint leader of the Rebel alliance, but because then the story was young and fresh (and because so little of it had been written didnít contradict itself) no-one really cared at that point.

Anakin: No, I am your father.
C3PO: Oh dear, goodness gracious me. You, my father, my creator, thatís impossible.
Anakin: No, I made you. Somehow being a ten year old slave I managed to build an incredibly sophisticated protocol droid knowing several million languages which I thought would be useful for helping my mummy around the house Ė providing of course Watto didnít do the sensible thing and sell it.

Yoda: Hello, Yoda I am. Speak like dyslexic fool I do. Somehow adds to my character this does. Strong in the force supposedly I am. However unable to detect Sith Lord in next room I am. If most intelligent Jedi I am then screwed the Jedi are.

Anakin: Are you an angel?
Padme: No Iím not you creepy little boy, go away.
Anakin: Sorry, it was just a chat up line I heard off ĎIím sorry I havenít a clue.í

Qui Gon Jinn: (Using force) you will allow me to take this little whinge bag with me .
Watto: No, Iím immune to your force mind tricks.
Qui Gon Jinn: How can that be. We heard in the OT that the force connects all living beings. You canít possibly be immune, give him to me.
Watto: No, I am immune. Listen (whispers in Qui Gonís ear.) My aftershave contains midichlorian repellant!
Qui Gon Jinn: Oh damn.

Episode 2 madness

Anakin: I am falling on Coruscant. This is an incredibly stupid thing to do but I have accurately used the force to predict where Zemís speeder will be. However I will now defy all the laws of physics my losing all my downward momentum in a microsecond and suddenly accelerate my horizontal momentum also in a microsecond without harm. You know (sudden thought strikes him) Iíd be completely screwed if Zem does the sensible thing and, oh I donít know Ė change direction perhaps?
Count Dooku: Instead of killing those meddlesome people with my lightsaber or blaster fire, I will kill them in a ridiculously stupid way with three equally ridiculous looking animals which against jedi I must have known would be a disaster.

Anakin: I will now show Padme how mature and sensible and how unlike the little boy she met on Tatooine I am by moaning and bitching to her about Obi Wan. (Considers.) ĎIím sorry I havenít a clue, I love you.

R2D2: Bleep bleep bleep bleep bleep bleep bleep bleep bleep bleep bleep bleep bleep bleep bleep bleep bleep bleep bleep bleep bleep bleep bleep bleep bleep bleep bleep bleep bleep bleep bleep bleep bleep bleep bleep bleep bleep bleep bleep bleep bleep bleep bleep bleep bleep.
*Translation* I will now fly to save the day, and then completely forget about it when it might have come in useful in the future, you know, when I was blocked by immoveable stuff on Cloud City, swam across a dangerous swamp on Dagobah, had to be lifted through a complicated series of cranes into an X wing and had to fall of Jabbaís barge to escape the explosion. Why the hell to I have to speak like this anyway. Can anyone actually understand me. If they can, how? Why canít someone install a program in me which allows me to speak like 3PO can.

Qui Gon Jin: I will now shout ĎNOOí to Anakin to try to get him to stop killing Sand People instead of doing the sensible thing and actually appearing as a force ghost to himto bring him to his sense. My padawan 20 years later could do it on Hoth and Dagobah so why canít I?

Anakin: Wow, milady. Iíve quite clearly aged by ten years, but youíve only aged by about two or three years at the most.
Padme: Thatís because I am Natalie Portman, the same actress who played Padme in episode 1 three years ago. I was supposed to be 14 in that film even though I quite clearly wasnít a day younger than 17. You know, Kiera Knightley played my double in that film and she was 14, I donít know why George couldnít have got her and made her look older for this film.
Anakin: OMG, OMG OMG, KIERA KNIGHTLEY1!1!1!1!1! (starts drooling at the mouth)
Kiera Knightley: Sorry guys, I was too busy to appear in this film, I was starring in a real film at the same time (Pirates of the Carribean.)

Obi Wan: (using force) You will stop filming.
George Lucas: I will stop filming.
Obi Wan: You will rip up my contract
George Lucas: I will rip up your contract
Obi Wan: You will go home and rethink your life.
George Lucas: I will go home and rethink my life.
Obi Wan: GoodÖ
George Lucas: HAHA, FOOLED YOU. I borrowed Wattoís aftershave!
Obi Wan: Oh damn.

Anakin: Oh Padme I love you
Padme: I love you too.
Anakin: No, I love you more.
Padme: But thatís because Iím in love with you.
Anakin: But I love you with all the love that one can love a lover who loves you with as much love with which they can love the lover who also loves them.

Obi Wan: Anakin, how many times, stay away from power couplings.
Anakin: Actually, youíve never told to stay away from power couplings. Thatís sounds like a stupid thing youíd say to a child. (growing angry.) WHY DO YOU ALWAYS TREAT ME LIKE A CHILD. OBI WAN YOU bi**h I HATE YOU.

Boba Fett: Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha
Jango Fett: Look, son, Iím going to do something bad and nasty.
Boba Fett: HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA. God, Iím such a loser.

Episode 3 madness

Yoda: Hello, Yoda I am. Cold and heartless advice do I give. No wonder Anakin turns to Dark Side he does. Why it is reading sentences my that like reading anagrams is?

Count Dooku: Well done, you have successfully navigated the first video game level against my battle droids. I will now come in through another door exactly like a video game boss.

Anakin: Despite the spaceship being open to the vacuum of space (which should surely mean that it would be destroyed be the huge pressure difference) and despite it having lost its engines I will somehow pilot it down and land on the planet. (GEORGE, YOUíRE SCREWING UP PHYSICS AGAIN.)

Mace Windu: Master Yoda, we suspect the Sith Lord is someone high up in government. Someone very close to Palpatine.
Yoda: Close to Palpatine he is. With Palpatine Skywalker must stay. Learn of the Sith Lord he will.
Mace Windu: Good idea, Master Yoda. We will let Skywalker hang out in the midst of the Sith Lord. Our shakiest, most powerful, most unstable Jedi will do just fine in this assignment.
Yoda: A stroke of brilliance this Council has made.

General Grievous: I am yet another video game boss. Admire my four lightsabers.
Obi Wan: Iím not scared of you. Iíve watched the DVD set of the OT so I know I survive and so does the audience. You also arenít a very scary bad guy, due to your incessant coughing and your cowardice.

They fight in an incredibly fast and blurred way that only CGI can do.

General Grievous: Oh dear, Iíve lost two lightsabers. Like all traditional bosses I will now run away and force him to follow where I will reveal to him for no good reason my heart which he will now destroy (dies)

Obi Wan: Instead of getting around on a speeder bike or something like that which I can easily control, I will travel around on this loud and uncontrollable iguna. The Jediís wisdom is not to be questioned.

Anakin: Die b***h.
Strangles Padme
Obi Wan, you idiot Anakin. The whole reason for your turning to the Dark Side was so you could save her. Why are you killing her?
Anakin: Because killing children wasnít good enough for me.
Obi Wan: Only a Sith deals in absolutes.
Anakin: Oh I dunno, that sentence sounded pretty absolute to me. Youíre a Sith.
Obi Wan: No, I am a Jedi and it made sense from a certain point of view.
Anakin: From my point of view the Jedi are evil.
Obi Wan: Shall I put the coffee on while we debate the point in an extremely unrealistic way.
Anakin: Oh do old chap. No actually the audience are looking rather bored, lets give them some more CGI action.
They fight.
Obi Wan: No Anakin, I have the higher ground, just like Darth Maul had against me.
Anakin: Moron, since when in all these films has higher ground been a factor.
His legs are sliced off
Anakin: GEORGE, WHAT ARE YOU DOING YOU MORON?

Yoda: failed you did Obi Wan. Anakin still alive he is.
Obi Wan: Not my fault, I left him burning near lava. He should have been dead within seconds, there was no reason for the flames to go out, leaving him alive.
George Lucas: Haha, now Iím screwing up Biology and chemistry at the same time, arenít I clever?
Obi Wan: Howís Padme?
Yoda: Just died she has. Had two children she just did, but yet nothing to live for she had.
Padmeís force ghost: Yep, I was sick of this film anyway. I was reduced to standing by windows and sobbing and giving the adolescant males in the audience something to fantasise about.
Obi Wan: What are we going to do with the children?
Yoda. Take them into hiding we will. Train them we will. Around twenty years time, attack with all four jedi we will.
Obi Wan: No, I have a better idea. We will split them up and completely abandon them for the first 18 years of their lives. I will then appear to one of them while the other is being tortured by Darth Vader. I will then die for no real reason and I will send him to you, we will still completely ignore the other. You will initially refuse to train him because heís too old but will then train him for a few weeks. After a fight with Vader, you will tell him that after only a few weeks training he is a jedi and that he has to face Vader, just the thing you told him not to do before. You will then die so you donít have to give an explanation. Howís that?
Yoda: Wise above all the Jedi you are Obi Wan.
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Old 26 Aug 2005, 12:39   #2 (permalink)
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Default Re: Why I love Star Wars

great job! Hillarious to no end as I am still laughing!
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Old 26 Aug 2005, 12:52   #3 (permalink)
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Default Re: Why I love Star Wars

Sad but true
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Old 26 Aug 2005, 12:55   #4 (permalink)
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Default Re: Why I love Star Wars

LMAO! I did like the RotS movie. But I'd rather read Mother Goose rhymes than watch the other two PT movies. Good job with the making fun of the biggest letdowns, besides the Matrix sequels. But it oddly seems to be true.
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Old 26 Aug 2005, 13:09   #5 (permalink)
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Default Re: Why I love Star Wars

Great stuff. Especially love the Yoda

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Old 27 Aug 2005, 06:40   #6 (permalink)
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Default Re: Why I love Star Wars

LOL, that was good. You must have had a lot of time on your hands.
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Old 27 Aug 2005, 13:13   #7 (permalink)
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Default Re: Why I love Star Wars

:P Lol! I like it. Some good points were made actually.
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Old 27 Aug 2005, 13:20   #8 (permalink)
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Tau Online
:P Lol! I like it. Some good points were made actually.
You sound surprised...am I usually incapable of making good points.... :P
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Old 27 Aug 2005, 13:49   #9 (permalink)
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Tau-killer
Quote:
Originally Posted by Tau Online
:P Lol! I like it. Some good points were made actually.
You sound surprised...am I usually incapable of making good points.... :P
I was suprised, yes. As you say, you are generally incapable of making good points j/k. Nah, I didn't mean to act suprised when posting.
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Old 27 Aug 2005, 14:42   #10 (permalink)
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Default Re: Why I love Star Wars

This is excellent stuff!!!
I'm liking it!
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