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A Second-By-Second(ish) In-Depth Look at the 2012 Mascot Introduction Film
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Old 24 May 2010, 22:08   #1 (permalink)
Shas'O
 
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Default A Second-By-Second(ish) In-Depth Look at the 2012 Mascot Introduction Film

The video, in all its bewildering, child-friendly, nation-enraging glory. Ladies and Gentlemen, I shall take you through this horrific 3 minutes and 43 seconds.

In this video, we are introduced to Kang and Kodos Two Cylcopean Teletubbies Daemonic Blobs of Sperm Buggered if I know Hemlock and Baron Mandelson Wenlock and Mandeville.

The above article notes that "The Mascots have cameras for eyes, taxi headlights, and Wenlock has friendship bracelets in the colour of Olympic rings whereas Mandeville has a pink stopwatch which symbolises that you can always do better. (1)"

But without further ado, let us jump into "Out Of A Rainbow(2)", written by A thousand monkeys at typewriters Michael Morpurgo and produced at the London office of Beijing-based Crystal CG.

[box]00:01 - That music is from Doctor Who!
00:03 - Oh wait, Winamp is open.
00:05 - Winamp is now paused, we restart the video.
00:00 to 00:06 - Bland stock whimisical music, poor cel-shading, and "A great rainbow arcs over Bolton". Actually, that's not that great if you ask me.
00:07-00:10 - "And down onto a giant steelworks" Er, it looked like it was going over the Steelworks. Note more stock "Squelch" effects.
00:11 - "The last huge girder" Um, that's not a girder, that's a metal pipe. Also, that seems unsafe dangling a RED HOT MOLTEN TUBE OF METAL over the WORKFLOOR. Accidents may happen.
00:12 to 00:20 - Two blobs of molten steel then fall from the girder TUBE OF METAL , and are cooled with water. I wish they'd hit someone now, since it appears the entire workforce is clones anyway.
00:21 - AIR RAAAAID! Oh, wait, no, the shift has ended.
00:22 to 00:32 "Happy Retirement George!" Oh huzzah. Oh god, more stock "Happy Scene" music. George then vandalises the last girder TUBE OF METAL for the Stadium. What a shit.
00:32 to 00:35 - George bravely picks up the cooled metal to applause by his idiot clone co-workers...
00:36 - And then steals the steel that could have been recycled. What a shit.
00:37 - George performs an Unflinching Walk having defaced and stolen company property, whilst also dismissively waving away all his clone-colleagues who have a banner to say goodbye and everything, his contempt for his test-tube co-workers made clear. What a shit.
00:38 to 00:45 - George, upon learning Clone 452w6 died in a smelting accident, steals 452w6's bike and makes good his escape.
OFFSCREEN - On his way home, George runs over a dog, mugs a granny, punches a pregnant woman,burns down an orphanage, murders a policeman, and buys a copy of The Daily Mail. What a shit.
00:46 to 00:54 - George's mentally-challenged half-ape Grandchildren, born nine months after his daughter was sacked from Porton Down (for huffing the test samples) and capable only of speaking in stock sound effects, arrive. His overlord, Wuffles the 4th, orders him to kill again.
00:54 to 01:00 - The Ape-Children show a cake to George. Somehow, the slice cut out of "Happy Birthday Grandpa" did not eat into the text.
OFFSCREEN - George, enraged at stolen cake, murders his Ape-Grandchildren.
01:00 to 01:09 - Awakening later that night, dismayed at the fact his Ape-Grandchildren have probably already regenerated and dug themselves out of their shallow graves, George speaks to his Overlord. Wuffles tells him of a new plan, to create daemons of unimaginable horror.
01:09 to 01:13 - George works hard...
01:14 - ...pausing only to smoke a lightbulb...
01:14 to 01:16 - ...Until His Overlord grows bored.
01:16 to 01:24 - Now under the eye of his Overlord, George works hard until...
01:24 to 01:28 - ...The Pumpkin Headed Queen arrives. She is both shocked and delighted by his creation.
01:28 to 01:34 - Having regenerated, the Ape-Grandchildren arrive. They are at first pleased by new shoes, as they have not eaten since regeneration, but are horrified to find the death of all mankind lies within the shoeboxes.
01:34 to 01:42 - Their simple Ape-Grandchild minds instantly devoured by the daemons bound within the metal statues, they perch them by the window, allowing them to wreak psychic havok over all Bolton. Devouring the souls of countless innocents and people from Bolton...
01:42 to 01:56 - ...The power of the Warp bursts forth and frees the daemons in their new moral vessels.
01:56 - Oh dear.
01:57 - They don't look happy.
01:57 to 02:00 - After a tragic miscalculation of scale, the two daemons are now wary...
02:00 to 02:06 - A small dog approaches, but these daemons are no Vl'hurg/G'Gugvuntt battlefleet. The powers of the Warp enthrall the Dog, and soon, the daemons have a new minion...
02:07 to 02:15 - After lulling the Ape-Grandchildren into a false sense of security, the Daemons descend.
02:15 to 03:09 - However, still somewhat confused, they only echo the foolish actions of the mortals before them. They learn that the Ape-Grandchildren are now mindless and useless husks and that this world is a danger to them unless they find more souls. Using a conveniently-placed array of Sporting and Olympic information, they select names.
03:09 - The Rainbow of the Warp is back. It is time to harvest fresh souls.
03:09 to 03:34 - They announce their plans. Split up. "So many people to kill". They will then draw all that remains of humanity to London in 2012 and harvest them...
[/box]

Well, I hope you didn't enjoy that dreadful video. And remember, THEY'LL KILL US ALL!

[size=6pt]1- Er, what? How does a pink stopwatch symbolise you can always do better? These two blobs of what the hell symbolize this country cannot do better because it's run by corrupt muppets and designed by bloody idiots!
2- Wait, what? Out of a what? They had to have known, right? Right?[/size]



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Old 24 May 2010, 22:17   #2 (permalink)
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Default Re: A Second-By-Second(ish) In-Depth Look at the 2012 Mascot Introduction Film

Uhm. WTF?

I mean seriously. WTF??!

:sadnshocked:
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Old 24 May 2010, 22:28   #3 (permalink)
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Default Re: A Second-By-Second(ish) In-Depth Look at the 2012 Mascot Introduction Film

The old woman looks like Grandma from Wind Waker.

Also the mascots themselves look like Crazy Bones.
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Old 24 May 2010, 22:51   #4 (permalink)
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Default Re: A Second-By-Second(ish) In-Depth Look at the 2012 Mascot Introduction Film

Shit, I think I am going to throw up.


Right, now thats out of my stomach, no, wait, there's more.








Right.

Quote:
"The Mascots have cameras for eyes, t
Great. Announce to the world we live in a surveilance state where innocent people are spied upon using anti-terror laws. Even Mugabe doesn't do that.

Quote:
"The last huge girder" Um, that's not a girder, that's a metal pipe. Also, that seems unsafe dangling a RED HOT MOLTEN TUBE OF METAL over the WORKFLOOR. Accidents may happen.
That, is, a piece of CHS (hot rolled) steel, and would never, ever be lifted by crane like that. Health and safety shit aside, you could not safely pick it up with a crane - and you never crane over people.

Trust me, I program a steel fabrication factory.

[hr]


Everything about this freakin Olympics makes me ashamed to be english. First we have the 400k reconfigured swastika as a logo, and now this shit.
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Old 25 May 2010, 00:54   #5 (permalink)
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Default Re: A Second-By-Second(ish) In-Depth Look at the 2012 Mascot Introduction Film

We're soooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo going to **** up the Olympics!!

Shit logo, shit mascots.....
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Old 25 May 2010, 13:30   #6 (permalink)
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Default Re: A Second-By-Second(ish) In-Depth Look at the 2012 Mascot Introduction Film

You should have taken after Australia's mascots. We had a platypus who encouraged sportsmanship. :P
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Old 25 May 2010, 13:38   #7 (permalink)
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Default Re: A Second-By-Second(ish) In-Depth Look at the 2012 Mascot Introduction Film

If they wanted cute little buggers that people would actually love they should have hit up the BBC special effects department and licensed the rights to use Doctor Who's Adipose... :
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Old 25 May 2010, 14:14   #8 (permalink)
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Default Re: A Second-By-Second(ish) In-Depth Look at the 2012 Mascot Introduction Film

What the balls...
Even the Teletubbies would do as better mascots IMO...
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Old 25 May 2010, 14:25   #9 (permalink)
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Default Re: A Second-By-Second(ish) In-Depth Look at the 2012 Mascot Introduction Film

Quote:
Originally Posted by Masked Thespian
If they wanted cute little buggers that people would actually love they should have hit up the BBC special effects department and licensed the rights to use Doctor Who's Adipose... :
XD

Oh please do that!!

It'd make up for the shitty logo too!
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Old 25 May 2010, 14:43   #10 (permalink)
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Default Re: A Second-By-Second(ish) In-Depth Look at the 2012 Mascot Introduction Film

Considering the usual standard of olympic mascots, I didn't think they were awful. God knows why we couldn't just have like, otters or something though.
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