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Lessons from The Mothman
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Old 28 Mar 2010, 23:47   #1 (permalink)
Shas'El
 
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Default Lessons from The Mothman

Everyone has stories. Those stories always have a moral.
Learn from me, and your life will be filled with joy parallel to that one time your Conscripts wiped out a unit of Grey Knight Terminators in one round.


1. Never write a paper after going on a crawl. If you don't know what a crawl is, then you're likely safe.
2. Never trust people from small islands. They are a shifty lot.
3. Never trust drunk homeless people. They will not come back with change for your 20.
4. Don't drink hard liquor (over 100 proof) at a rodeo, or other redneck event. What you wake up next to may not be a horse, but is damn sure going to be close enough that your roommates will buy you a cowboy hat and blast country music.
5. Don't ever, ever, ever try to out drink someone wearing a rugby jersey.
6. Don't tell bouncers to go on weight watchers.
7. Opening a tab at noon will result in eating Ramen for a month.
8. It might be five o'clock somewhere, but here you should be in class.
9. Professors are people too, if they ever appear hungover give them an Advil, and buy them a round at the local pub that night.
10. Poker is never a sure thing.
11. A sure thing is not all it's cracked up to be.
12. 'I'm Catholic' is the get out of jail free card at 3 a.m.
13. Tennis courts are for tennis, not football.
14. Always bring your own painkillers to the emergency room.
15. Never ask the emergency room receptionist when the doctors will be done their circle-jerk after waiting for four hours without a morphine drip and broken ankle.
16. As good of an idea as it seems at the time, do not hop fences.
17. Sort your trash, or the authorities will pay you a visit.
18. Don't ask the RCMP if you can ride their horse.
19. Always argue for your civil rights when caught urinating in public.
20. If it seems like a fun idea, it will hurt in the morning.
21. Under no circumstances should a mattress be used as a sled down stairs.
22. Never try to pay for food in sea shells.
23. Smoking cigarettes is awesome, but the smoker is always the easiest to out run.
24. Make sure the cake at your friend's birthday is, in fact, a wholesome cake.
25. When unable to pay for drinks, befriend the bartender.
26. Avoid, when able, streets that smell like industrial cleaner.
27. It is encouraged to brawl at varsity sporting events.
28. Racists must pay one tooth for each slur.
29. Never tell your friend his girlfriend is hot, especially if you've ever winked at her.
30. Don't expect to be picked up while hitchhiking if you haven't shaved in four months.
31. Work boots are not acceptable at black tie events.
32. Don't fall asleep on your rookie night.
33. Even without a sock on the door, always knock between the hours of midnight to 4am.
34. Nicknames are preferred to real names.
35. Interesting strangers will be referred to by a witty moniker. ie. Girl with a long, curved nose = Hawkgirl.
36. Candy must be purchased in bulk.
37. No matter how hard it is to resist, never scream that you are God in Utah, or the South Shore.
38. Take part in a crawl once a month.
39. The second most fun you can ever have with an all male group is full contact hide and seek during a black out.
40. The first is arguing the finer points of North Korea's nuclear policy during the century club.
41. Wing night is holy, and must be observed religiously.
42. Never feed a freshman/frosh. They will never leave your couch.
43. Your land lord is God, appease them with gifts of bbqed meat and beer.
44. You are not cunning. Your friends WILL find out.
45. Statues are not out to get you.
46. Wave to the police.
47. Local festivals and parades are free-passes from class.
48. Never contradict a philosophy major.
49. Arts majors are to be cherished and ridiculed simultaneously.
50. Make an effort to befriend the local pizza delivery man.
51. Pretend to play an instrument.
52. Don't ride the wave.
53. Fear crows, as they are the embodiment of evil.
54. Never pet the raccoon.
55. Never buy fruit from someone who doesn't speak your language.
56. Nerf guns are fun. Airsoft guns are not.
57. Always request obscure 80's pop when calling in to rap radio stations.
58. Hot Toddy's are the best cure.
59. It is acceptable to form a nest in the sociology section of the library. No one else has been there in years.
60. Never donate money to people wearing tye-dye. It is going directly into their drug fund.
61. Just because someone wears glasses, doesn't mean they are always right.
62. Never text while entering an elevator. The space between the elevator and your floor is a cellphone magnet.
63. If she has dead eyes, she won't make you coffee.
64. People with popped collars and jelled hair will only order jagerbombs. Use this knowledge to pretend your psychic and impress the bar.
65. Ensure the varsity athletes know you, and the world becomes your oyster.
66. Wear speedoes to the beach, the comedic value will make everyone your friend.
67. Don't climb trees.
68. Own a fish, they are great conversation pieces.
69. This number speaks volumes.
70. White Water rafting is amazing.
71. Travel to England, but for God's sake don't wear an Arsenal jersey in West Ham.
72. Seafood should be avoided on Fridays.
73. Being a Wino simply means you know how to maximise your means.
74. Don't hit on Airport security.
75. Put a towel down.
76. Purple Jesus, Porch Climbers and Hulk should never be a prelude to the bar.
77. Anyone who shouts this is going to an awesome night! Will fall asleep before midnight.
78. Have a working knowledge of another language.
79. Never argue with a French woman. Especially not if they are French-Canadians. And definitely not if they are South Shore Acadians.
80. Vodka is not your friend.
81. Plaid is always acceptable.
82. Your mother loves you, until she picks you up from the dreaded Tank.
83. As inviting as it is, never sleep in a ditch, park bench, or pick-up truck.
and, final for now,
84. Procrastination is not a major, its a life skill.

Lessons from The Mothman.
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Old 29 Mar 2010, 00:39   #2 (permalink)
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Default Re: Lessons from The Mothman

Quote:
21. Under no circumstances should a mattress be used as a sled down stairs.
Lies. I've done this to great success. Provided ,I had another mattress as a cushion at the bottom. :P
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Old 29 Mar 2010, 00:42   #3 (permalink)
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Default Re: Lessons from The Mothman

WELL WHERE THE HELL HAVE YOU BEEN?
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Restayvien
Well I'd rather not play the game at all than play it like they did! :P
Crikey! This crazy clown causes commotion like the coming of Christ. Contained in a circle corrupted by crackheads and carnal cravings, he creates no concession to callous cheaters concentrating on nought but cock. Certainly, still a curious and cordial cavalier in the countenance of crazed cads, curs and creeps who condemn courtesy as something corny. No cloud could collapse his crushing crescendo of comical crowing and crimson coiffure. This conjecture on culture comes circumlocutive, consequently...

You may call me Circus.
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Old 29 Mar 2010, 00:55   #4 (permalink)
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Default Re: Lessons from The Mothman

Quote:
Originally Posted by Chapter Master Seth
Quote:
21. Under no circumstances should a mattress be used as a sled down stairs.
Lies. I've done this to great success. Provided ,I had another mattress as a cushion at the bottom. :P
This has been met with mixed results for me. Once it was fun. Twice it was all right. Third time, I vowed to never do it again after I crashed into someone doing an early walk of shame.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Circus
WELL WHERE THE HELL HAVE YOU BEEN?
Being an Ontario expat, doing things worth of story and legend.
And just being generally awesome.
You know I always come home here though, once the liquor runs dry and I have amusing things to share.
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Old 29 Mar 2010, 01:19   #5 (permalink)
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What school do you go to, Mothy?
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Old 29 Mar 2010, 01:19   #6 (permalink)
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Mothman
80. Vodka is not your friend.
I take issue with this one, though I admit that it highly depends on your definition of "friend".


Everything else seems pretty good though. About number 48 though, I've never met a philosophy major... well, I've never met a philosophy major, but I've never met a person who could argue with the philosophies of Maifeest. If they seem resistant the first time, just keep re-introducing them.
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Old 29 Mar 2010, 01:35   #7 (permalink)
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Aftercresent
What school do you do to, Mothy?
Acadia University, Wolfville, Annapolis Valley, Nova Scotia, Canada.
Faculties of Business Administration, and Medieval Studies. TA to professor Feltmate, department of Accounting. 3rd year, honours and Deans list.
Member of: Acadia Debate team, Fencing team, former member of Acadia Rugby club, Residence Council, and campus paper.
Referred to by all as: Big Daddy Brookshaw.
Self considered a highly functioning alcoholic after an Honours Thesis defence performed drunk as St. Pat on his day was lauded as best of my year.
As a humourous side note: I officially have the highest GPA of anyone redflaged for Campus Infractions.
Full life's story right there gents.
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Old 29 Mar 2010, 01:44   #8 (permalink)
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Acadia, eh?
I looked at it, got into Dal, Laurier, Brock and Queen's.

I'm going to Queen's, I think.
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Old 29 Mar 2010, 01:49   #9 (permalink)
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Aftercresent
Acadia, eh?
I looked at it, got into Dal, Laurier, Brock and Queen's.

I'm going to Queen's, I think.
For what?
Acadia is an amazing school. Don't make snap decisions! Haha
PM me and I can give you the real lowdown on this fantastic institution of learning.
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Old 29 Mar 2010, 01:58   #10 (permalink)
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Man, I've heard Acadia is damn good for undergrad studies. It's really small though, and really far away.
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