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Jack Bauer's Horrid Horrorscopes
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Old 10 Jul 2005, 20:07   #1 (permalink)
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Default Jack Bauer's Horrid Horrorscopes

As a counter-terrorist officer, I was asked to make some predictions about life. I took up astrology mere moments before my Daughter, Kim, climbed out the back window and ran away with her freind causing the traumatic events of Season One of 24 to try and help with this but I simply couldn't be bothered to actually tell anyone what I predicted. After I hit a rough patch due to the facts of A) what happened that day and B) my new hobby predicted Season 2 and I simply couldn't be bothered doing all that but as luck had it I was really bored that day. Cut to now, after I predicted nearly everything that happened in seasons 3 and 4 and still did them anyway (becuase I felt it may upset the balance of the universe or soemthing). But now I've retired as a Counter-terroism blokey and not only is my money runnign out, so are my moral scruples. The two incidents MAY be related. Anyway, here you go: My predictions for you week!


AERIS March 21-April 21
Today, you will face new challenges, new troubles, and possibly even an entirely new language if you pick up the phone to an Asian telemarketing scam due a slight mix-up seeing a call-centre in Bangladesh somehow thinking your house is in South Africa. A word of warning, though, donít look out the window, because your house now is in South Africa. You should really have got that boiler fixed, you know.
Lucky Country- South Africa, obviously, otherwise your house might have landed in the sea.

For FF7 fanís adamant it was meant to be AERITH March 21-April 21
Pretty much the same as AERIS, but with a lisp. Tho, thath "Today, you will fathe new challengeth, new troubleth, and pothibly even an entirely new language if you pick up the phone to an Athian telemarketing scam due a thlight mix-up seeing a call-centre in Bangladeth thomehow thinking your house is in Thouth Africa. A word of warning, though, donít look out the window, becauthe your houthe now ith in Thouth Africa. You Thould really have got that boiler fixed, you know."
"Lucky Country- Thouth Africa, obviouthly, otherwithe your houthe might have landed in the thea."

TAURUS April 22-may 21
You will find true love, become rich, find true happiness, and go on to have a prefect life starting from this day. Then the alarm clock will go off, and itís the same as usual. Sorry, but even astrology has to think honesty is the best policy sometimes.
Lucky Fantasy World- One with less unicorns than average

GEMINI May 22-June 21
Again, there are things you definetly do not want to hear in news reports with connection to you. ĎDrunk and disorderlyĎ, ĎViolent and abusive to officersí, ĎHuman ball of fireí, ĎCareered out of control and smashed into a crowd of horrified bystandersí , ĎStill barricaded in the house with hostagesí ĎSpread over a wide areaí , ĎStill burning after three daysí ĎA stash of illegal drugs and pornographyí ĎUnder investigation under suspicion of attempting to fornicate with a statue in front of shocked art gallery goersí and Ďtaking advice from astrologers who cannot countí are just 11 possible phrases or headlines you really donít want to hear
Lucky Strikes- A brand of cigarettes.

CANCER June 22- July 23
Your spiritual planet, Uranus, will expand and contract a lot today because you should not have had that dodgy curry last night, and now have the squits. Take comfort in knowing that, due to the fact that Astrology, to work, means that millions of people have the same day, that millions of other people have the squits also if you have them. If you donít, donít thank your lucky starts because if you do astrology comes true and youíll get the squits even if you didnít have any curry.
Lucky Toilet Roll Holder- Limited Edition Megaman memorabilia one that has, against all logic, not amusingly, a picture of the character ĎRollí from that series of games on it. Next time, just buy the damned Ninja Turtles one, okay?

LEO July 25- August 23
No, you canít revive him and get him in your party.
Lucky Video-gaming Series- Final Fantasy

VIRGO August 24 to September 23
You will, this day, either discover the cure for all diseases, how to turn lead into gold, the secret of time travel, who shot JFK, discover the answer to world peace, prove the meaning of life, confirm the existence or non-existence of god, or die horribly either at the hands of people who would rather all those things stayed unanswered or undiscovered, or by ironically catching all diseases, being turned into gold, being landed on by a time traveller, being shot BY JFK, discover the question to local war (in this case, the answer was yes, regarding a very localised war, between every cell in your body trying to blow up every other cell resulting in something Ďa bit like a messy human fireworkĎ),
Lucky band with a slightly confusing name- Snow Patrol

LIBRA September 24- October 23
The stars are unclear on what may happen to you today, but it may involve Vin Diesel. To try and give you a warning of how this is possibly good but far more likely to be bad, Vin Diesel can kill people with a single glance, wasnít just part of the US invasion of Grenada, but WAS the entire invasion, (all bad) and is not Mr T, who wears such a heavy amount of gold that if the sunís light should strike the chains, and reflect onto you, you will instantly be vaporised (good, because heís not Mister T), but also, may we remind you he has a bald head to do the exact same thing (Bad, because you might still be vaporised)
Lucky Movie to Watch- Pitch Black. He may not spare you, but he may kill you quickly, a bit likea far sexier Cthulu.

SCORPIO October 24 to November 22
You will be informed of what, at first reading, is a horrible revelation, that the fabled Ďilluminatií, a secret organisation said to hold the strings of global power, are in fact composed entirely of the most toughnut actors and actresses on the planet, who are so toughnut, as they are always playing themselves renamed as other characters. People like Rutger Hauer, Keifer Sutherland, Donald Sutherland, Vin Diesel, Clive Owen, Cillian Murphy, Christian Bale, Mickey Rourke, Bruce Willis, David Hasselhoff, Micheal Madsen, Smauel L. Jackson, Morgan Freeman, Antonio Banderas, Micheal Caine, Vinny Jones, Demi Moore, Sigourney Weaver, Milla Johovich, Michelle Rodriguez, and that chick that played Vazquez. However, then youíll realised they never denied it, and so, itís not that much of a secret nor that much of a conspiracy, so all is well.
Lucky Illuminati- Rutger Hauer.

SAGITTARIUS November 23- December 22
You will be informed in private by someone who will later deny it in public that they made up a whole load of trollop and tried to pass it off as fact to gullible people, and the irony is, that person will technically admit it but at the same time prove themselves to be telling the truth if you actually do accuse them of lying, so thatís you scuppered. So, to take your mind off all that, why not watch the TV?
Lucky Signal Failure: One that prevents E4 and therefore Big Brother being viewable. If you live outside the UK, then itís even luckier as if E4 was transmitting to your country it might be interfering with a channel people might actually want to watch!

CAPRICORN December 22- January 20
Trust me when we say this, but duck before you read this. Oh wait, damn, that defeats the purpose. Donít worry, itíll stop bleeding soon, and itíll all wipe off of the monitor. Trust me, the CD will still work, itís just got red on now.
Lucky First Aid Kit apparatus - Bandages. Lots and Lots of Bandages.

AQUARIUS January 21-Feburary 19
For some reason, you will not be as picked on as other people in that you will experience no star-predicted horrible pain, no gruesome deaths, no intolerable suffering, but as a sort of balance to all that, might I remind you that Britney Spears music may play on the radio today, and thatís essentially all three rolled into one 3 to 5 minute long moment of horrible screeching that leaves dozens dead and scores injured.
Lucky Media Device to viciously attack with a hammer in a totally precautionary pre-emptive strike: A radio, of course!

PISCES Febuary 20-March 20
Your horrorscope will give you an amazing secret: How to make £250,000 appear out of thing air. All you will need is one egg, 25 pence in 5 pence coins, and a small Peruvian llama. First, take the llama, andÖ
This is a FREE preview demo horror scope! To get the full version, subscribe for only £250,000!
Lucky Expletives- Those closest to hand at realising you not only need to make the money to find out how, but if you do, I make at least £250,000 quid and you technically lose £250,000 quid. And really, itís your own fault for believing in this kind of codswallop, I mean, honestly the positioning of the starts influencing life on earth when the only star visible when I was writing this was Sol?
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Old 11 Jul 2005, 23:12   #2 (permalink)
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Default Re: Jack Bauer's Horrid Horrorscopes

Whoa.
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Old 11 Jul 2005, 23:41   #3 (permalink)
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Default Re: Jack Bauer's Horrid Horrorscopes

gemini sound like me when i was college.
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Old 11 Jul 2005, 23:44   #4 (permalink)
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Default Re: Jack Bauer's Horrid Horrorscopes

SCORPIO October 24 to November 22
You will be informed of what, at first reading, is a horrible revelation, that the fabled Ďilluminatií, a secret organisation said to hold the strings of global power, are in fact composed entirely of the most toughnut actors and actresses on the planet, who are so toughnut, as they are always playing themselves renamed as other characters. People like Rutger Hauer, Keifer Sutherland, Donald Sutherland, Vin Diesel, Clive Owen, Cillian Murphy, Christian Bale, Mickey Rourke, Bruce Willis, David Hasselhoff, Micheal Madsen, Smauel L. Jackson, Morgan Freeman, Antonio Banderas, Micheal Caine, Vinny Jones, Demi Moore, Sigourney Weaver, Milla Johovich, Michelle Rodriguez, and that chick that played Vazquez. However, then youíll realised they never denied it, and so, itís not that much of a secret nor that much of a conspiracy, so all is well.
Lucky Illuminati- Rutger Hauer.

wierdest horrorscope i ever got :P
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Old 12 Jul 2005, 08:47   #5 (permalink)
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Default Re: Jack Bauer's Horrid Horrorscopes

CAPRICORN December 22- January 20
Trust me when we say this, but duck before you read this. Oh wait, damn, that defeats the purpose. Donít worry, itíll stop bleeding soon, and itíll all wipe off of the monitor. Trust me, the CD will still work, itís just got red on now.
Lucky First Aid Kit apparatus - Bandages. Lots and Lots of Bandages

Freaky- right now I've just had an injection.
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Old 12 Jul 2005, 10:53   #6 (permalink)
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Default Re: Jack Bauer's Horrid Horrorscopes

Quote:
Originally Posted by Artiglio
SCORPIO October 24 to November 22
You will be informed of what, at first reading, is a horrible revelation, that the fabled Ďilluminatií, a secret organisation said to hold the strings of global power, are in fact composed entirely of the most toughnut actors and actresses on the planet, who are so toughnut, as they are always playing themselves renamed as other characters. People like Rutger Hauer, Keifer Sutherland, Donald Sutherland, Vin Diesel, Clive Owen, Cillian Murphy, Christian Bale, Mickey Rourke, Bruce Willis, David Hasselhoff, Micheal Madsen, Smauel L. Jackson, Morgan Freeman, Antonio Banderas, Micheal Caine, Vinny Jones, Demi Moore, Sigourney Weaver, Milla Johovich, Michelle Rodriguez, and that chick that played Vazquez. However, then youíll realised they never denied it, and so, itís not that much of a secret nor that much of a conspiracy, so all is well.
Lucky Illuminati- Rutger Hauer.

wierdest horrorscope i ever got :P
But it was true, wasn't it?You WERE informed!

Quote:
Originally Posted by Biovore
CAPRICORN December 22- January 20
Trust me when we say this, but duck before you read this. Oh wait, damn, that defeats the purpose. Donít worry, itíll stop bleeding soon, and itíll all wipe off of the monitor. Trust me, the CD will still work, itís just got red on now.
Lucky First Aid Kit apparatus - Bandages. Lots and Lots of Bandages

Freaky- right now I've just had an injection.
See? My powers are real! That'll be £50 please.
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Old 13 Jul 2005, 03:00   #7 (permalink)
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Default Re: Jack Bauer's Horrid Horrorscopes

Quote:
PISCES Febuary 20-March 20
Your horrorscope will give you an amazing secret: How to make £250,000 appear out of thing air. All you will need is one egg, 25 pence in 5 pence coins, and a small Peruvian llama. First, take the llama, andÖ
This is a FREE preview demo horror scope! To get the full version, subscribe for only £250,000!
Lucky Expletives- Those closest to hand at realising you not only need to make the money to find out how, but if you do, I make at least £250,000 quid and you technically lose £250,000 quid. And really, itís your own fault for believing in this kind of codswallop, I mean, honestly the positioning of the starts influencing life on earth when the only star visible when I was writing this was Sol?
Dang, I reallly need that £250.
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