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Story about Suicide
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Old 02 Apr 2009, 21:10   #1 (permalink)
Ethereal
 
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Default Story about Suicide

After all this while, I decided to just express something that I have experienced first-hand and made me the person I am today; mainly to do with what I have experienced on a fateful day on November 2006.

I remembered a time where I almost disappeared from this world on late November 2006 with but a stab of a craft knife into my beating crimson heart, and if I am still alive by then, I would just slit my throat and let the red ichor of life known as blood gush out from the opening that I created with the knife. I do not remember much from that time from August-November 2006, just that I know my world have become a rather dark place to live, and I never felt anything save for the anguish, despair and fear. I never really recalled the reasons why I slumped down the path of depression,but I do know that I have nothing to live for during that time.

But even if I am depressed, I do not understand why I am willing to try and take my own life just like that. Sure I do feel like I am nothing, but even then, why didn't I finish the job, let alone started it? What kind of mentality that gave me such a half-assed solution to futilely try to take my life away? Even now I sought to understand the two sides that triggered both my desire to die and also my desire to stop that desire of death.

But what I do remember about the day that was to be my death day I experienced a rather otherworldly experience;

I remembered as I sat in the chair, in front of the computer wearing nothing but my boxers and a white t-shirt, and in my hands is the craft knife I use for my everyday use. I remembered that earlier on, I was just playing with the knife, letting it scratch my left wrist in a macabrely playful manner, believing that my arm will shred like paper and the blood will just come out. But then, I realized that I do not like this way of death, as it does not quell the darkness within my heart. So with a resolution that surprised me even today, I decided with a a will to stab my heart straight on, and if I am still alive, take that damn knife out and slit my throat.

I slowly aimed the knife to my heart, and just when I was about to plunge it into my heart, I realized that suddenly the knife is gone. I began to wonder what is going on, and then I tried to look o the knife, but what greeted me is a dark, cold environment. I began to wonder if I am already dead, for I would not be seeing anything if I am dead, but yet that though strikes me as being rather odd, as I can still see my hands is it not? I e begin to wonder if there is such a thing as an afterlife, but then that also does not make sense, for I would be seeing something like a stairway or something.

But then I hear a voice, a voice as soft and gentle as that of silk, a voice as warm as the summer breeze. At first it was faint, but then it slowly picked up in volume and I begin to hear the voice more clearly now.

"Hello there Vincent." The voice is that of a woman, and I began turning around and behind me, I saw a very beautiful woman dressed in a white flowing dress. Her beauty is such that even today, I failed to match it with any of the most beautiful women here today, but I do know some things that marked her out that I can remember her. Her eyes are that of a azure blue eyes, one filled with vigor of life and independence of spirit, and her hair a very dark, warm red. But what marks her out is that she had a pair of very large and elegant jet black wings. The wings make me experienced fear in my heart, for I know that I am face to face with a being that is here to take my soul to some place. For some reason, I kind of panicked as I do realized that if she is as she appears to be, she should not have black wings as they always come in white. That leaves a question in my mind; what kind of angelic being have black wings? Death? Demons?

But then I realized that there is a white light surrounding her, like that of an orb which makes me calmed down a little but not enough. The angelic being then stopped in front of me and with outstretched arms, she begins to come for me. I then closed my eyes and started to believed that it is indeed my time. But to my utter surprise, I can feel the warmth of her fingers and palms on my cheeks and then hearing her voice saying to me words that I never expected coming out from the one that was supposed to take my soul.

"You are not meant to die just yet. Live."

"What do you mean?" I asked.

"Your time is not up yet." I am amazed that by then, I did not say something like "WHAT?!", but instead I asked her something else.

"Who are you? And why are you here?"

"I am Adyta, and I am here to repay you a favour."

"A favour?" I am quite startled by what she said, for somehow I do not remember that I did anyone anything in real-life. But then, some other memory started to come back to me. That memory is that of a dream a long time before the depression;

I remembered that I once dreamed that I was walking around in the rain, and I noticed a woman on the street. She is pale, and she is wearing a white dress that is now translucent from the rain. I failed to see her face for her wet red hair is covering her face. But instead of taking advantage of this like it is some kind of wet drea (pun intended), I decided to carry this woman and rushed her to the hospital. Once she is in the care of the hospital staff, I looked as the stretcher moved away from me, widening the distance between her and me....

I then looked at her, wide-eyed, and she nods her head, as if she just saw what is playing in my mind.

"Yes, if it were not for then, I would not be here today. You most definitely must not go for you have so much ahead of you, a far more happier and fuller existence. You must endure, and overcome, for you are better than that. You do not succumb to the darkness." I then looked at her and she smiled at me, her smile giving me something of an energy that allowed me to feel what she is saying is true.

"I will always be watching you, and be your guiding light, for whenever you descend into the darkness, I will be there to help you see the light again." Before I can even say anything, her hands slowly slipped away from my face, and as I watched her fade away, I can hear another voice, a voice of a man talking to her.

"Time to go, Adyta. He will not be happy if he knows of what you have done."

"I understand, Samarafael."

What the hell is going on, I asked myself? Is this Samarafael her superior or something? Or is he a friend of hers? But before I can get the answers I want, I was swallowed by a blinding light....

I then find myself, lying down in my bed, covered in my blanket. I then looked around, wondering what the hell is going on. Is it a dream, I asked myself. I then checked my arms, and I saw the little blade marks on my let hand, which means that the suicide attempt is for real. I then looked around my room frantically for my blade, but I did not find it. A few hours later, my mom then comes into my room to wake me up for my morning class, and after getting myself ready I walked down the stairs and to my utter amazement and horror, what greeted me downstairs is nothing short of a miracle; my craft knife is on the living room table, the blade visible and facing me. I then take the knife and hid it in my pocket. Divine intervention, or just me messing around with my own mind? I will never know.

But for some unexplained reason, on that day, I feel like a burden is lifted from my heart and shoulders, and I can experience life once more again. I remembered that day as the day I have died and be reborn again. From that day onwards, I vowed that I will not succumb to the darkness in my heart, and walk tall towards the light.

Today, I have three very fundamental beliefs that is still with me today. One, I become a much more independent spirit, and will not take shit from anyone or anything, and trying my best to come out of any mishap and misfortunes I have. I am also willing to face my fears and confront them and get out of it more stronger than ever. Two, I have a belief that I have a guardian angel behind my back, and that she is always protecting me from the worst, and personally I believed in angels rather than gods, for I have seen one. Whenever there is a danger looming, or when I am feeling down, I can hear her voice talking to me, or sometimes I can feel her presence that will guide me away from harm's way. Even as I write this, I can feel her head over my shoulders, watching me as I typed this. Three, I have an unusual liking for azure blue eyes and consider them as the most beautiful eye colour of them all.

I do not understand what exactly happened to me then and why I do it, nor do I understand how on earth did the suicide attempt failed, but nevertheless I am glad today that I am still here experiencing life. Life has many ups and downs, but nevertheless if the will to overcome the hardships is there, the triumph of life will prevail. Until today, I still suffer from the after-effects of my severe depression, mainly that of having the non-24 sleep-wake disorder and experiencing a day of doom and gloom once every month (both due to what a psychologist called an unrepairable damage that the depression have done to my body chemistry) , but at least I still have the will to go about living.

[hr]

I do not blame you all if you do not believe me, for I am not sure about it myself as well, but nevertheless I just want to just tell you guys about what happened on the day I attempted suicide

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Quote:
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They're an insane bunch of reptiles...
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Old 03 Apr 2009, 00:28   #2 (permalink)
Shas'El
 
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Default Re: Story about Suicide

remember, a justification of life is as easily spoiled by a moment of thought. If you realize your purpose is weak, depression is easy to set in. I dont know what this is about, but be careful that your outside and inside life is settled in what you could percieve as purpose and not just one side.

your top says attention, your bottom deflects to a defensive mental justification for the attention. At least in my percieving. Whatever motivation, I would look at it.
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Old 03 Apr 2009, 00:40   #3 (permalink)
Shas'El
 
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Default Re: Story about Suicide

I think you have the wrong idea pepsi, he is saying he learned that suicide is stupid, not that he is currently in a suicidal state, he WAS, no IS.

Nice article though Vyper, I never have realy been all that depressed but have seen people who have been and I think ur right that life is so much more important than you think it its when your suicidal, nice artical
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Old 03 Apr 2009, 00:45   #4 (permalink)
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Default Re: Story about Suicide

Quote:
Originally Posted by pepsi
remember, a justification of life is as easily spoiled by a moment of thought. If you realize your purpose is weak, depression is easy to set in. I dont know what this is about, but be careful that your outside and inside life is settled in what you could percieve as purpose and not just one side.

your top says attention, your bottom deflects to a defensive mental justification for the attention. At least in my percieving. Whatever motivation, I would look at it.
I wrote this as a need for some sort of closure.

I have the thought that what I have chosen (or to be exact what have been told to me) is good enough for the time being, or it could be me just being foolish just because it is a state of mind that can happen during a delusion but nevertheless have a positive repercussion in life for me. But no matter what, I believed that it has done me enough good for the time being and for that I am glad that that divine advice or that foolish imagination (depending on your interpretation) have made me stronger as a person.

And you have said a point that is a reason for why I am still here; I am here because I believe that I need to be here, but for what, I do not know yet and I hope that I can find it in this lifetime.
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Emlyn
Quote:
Originally Posted by FT
They're an insane bunch of reptiles...
I wasn't asking about the moderating staff.
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Old 03 Apr 2009, 00:54   #5 (permalink)
Shas'El
 
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Default Re: Story about Suicide

do you understand why I would wonder why you would post this? yes, youth is the wierdest time in our cultures because everyone expects everything of us, and we do things we have no real motivation to do. Our purpose is rather confusing quite quickly.

but as an internet culture you might wonder if a person was justifying his existence on the internet, because one side of his reality has no identifiable purpose. Thus as why I was reading why you would post this.

You begin with an attention posture...deflect it to fantasy defensive posture...then a justification posture. Closure is one thing, but your motivation for doing this is still confusing to me, this is all I can make of it.
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Old 03 Apr 2009, 01:10   #6 (permalink)
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Default Re: Story about Suicide

Quote:
Originally Posted by pepsi
You begin with an attention posture...deflect it to fantasy defensive posture...then a justification posture. Closure is one thing, but your motivation for doing this is still confusing to me, this is all I can make of it.
Well, nothing much actually, save for the occasional 'just type it out and let it go". It can be confusing, or downright whimsical but it is just something that came up a long time a go and needs some sort of closure. These days people wants a purpose in every action we do, and anything that is done out of something we just do not know why is considered bizarre.

Quote:
Originally Posted by pepsi
but as an internet culture you might wonder if a person was justifying his existence on the internet, because one side of his reality has no identifiable purpose. Thus as why I was reading why you would post this.
To be honest, I do not know why I am here but I plan to stay. So in that sense, you can call it as a reality with no identifiable purpose, for I am still here and experiencing stuff, but do not know of why I am doing so. I guess that that expression is something alien, even to myself as well but I make do with it and go on.
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Emlyn
Quote:
Originally Posted by FT
They're an insane bunch of reptiles...
I wasn't asking about the moderating staff.
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Old 03 Apr 2009, 01:26   #7 (permalink)
Shas'O
 
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Default Re: Story about Suicide

Wait, wait, I got one:

Man, you must have been REALLY drunk. :P





[hr]

But, uh, yeah, wow. That's, uh, interesting,
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Old 03 Apr 2009, 01:33   #8 (permalink)
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Droids_Rule
Wait, wait, I got one:

Man, you must have been REALLY drunk. :P
Either that or my body chemicals decided to go all Ecstasy on me. :P

But till today, I swear that it is one of the only times I had in my lie that I have an entire blackout of my memory save for the times when I was a baby.
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Emlyn
Quote:
Originally Posted by FT
They're an insane bunch of reptiles...
I wasn't asking about the moderating staff.
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Old 03 Apr 2009, 02:04   #9 (permalink)
Shas'El
 
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Default Re: Story about Suicide

black outs? ecstacy? thats it...are cut off from the open bar...now go to your corner.
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