Tau Empire Codex 2013 | Army Builder Program
Dark Angels Codex 2013
Chaos Daemons Codex 2013
Chaos Space Marines Codex 2012

Warhammer 40k Forum Tau Online

 

Warhammer 40K Forum

Need help; review my Application Essay please.
Reply
Old 18 Jan 2009, 09:16   #1 (permalink)
Zen
Ethereal
 
Join Date: Jan 2008
Posts: 12,937
Send a message via MSN to Zen
Default Need help; review my Application Essay please.

As some of you might know, I'm looking around for a Student Loan since my Dad cut funds to my mother. So, I have to write an Application Essay about myself and etc. So, I hope you guys can help me out and review my essay for anything wrong. Thanks in advance!

[hr]

My name is Ian Adly Bin Iskandar Dzakurnain. I was born at the Chinese Maternity Hospital, Kuala Lumpur on the 8th of September 1989. Currently, I am 19 years old an will be 20 years old on the 8th of September. I am, currently, living in Shah Alam, Selangor with my mother and brother. My mother is a Government Officer in the Ministry of Women, Family and Community Development while my brother is pursuing a course in Graphic Design at One Academy.

As in my application, I am Malay and practice Islam as my religion. I am quite open-minded and tolerant to other people's belief and faith including those of the Jewish, Catholics and Atheists which I interact with a lot though we poke fun at each other's religion and believes as well as stereotypes. I, myself, make fun of my own race and religion. I believe our people and our religion should not be given special treatment and it should be open to make a joke of like any other topic but not until it's clearly and obviously racist and insulting to one's people and religion. I also believe Allah is like the God described in the Old and New Testament of the Jewish and Christian Faith and that Jews, Christian and Muslims are of one Faith and we all worship the same God. Though sometimes I can't help but feel that Allah has a cruel sense of humor but I guess it adds a bit humor, for myself, into the world that's often filled with bitterness and sadness these days. For me, Life is just one big journey to Death and eventually, Heaven. But it's not the prospect of Heaven that excites me, it's the prospect of meeting new people and visiting new places along the way as well as visiting and meeting those places and people over and over again. My own goal in life is to be surrounded by many true and trusted friends, a loving wife, 4 adorable children and eventually, even more adorable grandchildren. Money has it's place but I often see that money is nothing without people you know and love to enjoy it with.

I am an all-rounded person; Jack-of-all-Trades and Master of None. But I'm quite a fast learner and pick up on how to do things quite easily. I'm quite practical as I rather tinker and do “Trial and Error” to figure out on how to do things. But I do refer to manuals and such if I ever come across a particularly hard problem and/or have no basic knowledge of it. People say I'm quite friendly and I have a smiling, friendly face to back it up. I used to say playing Computer/Console Games and going on the Internet is my Hobby. But recently. I've got quite bored with Computer/Console Games and have been playing Designer Board Games and playing Pen and Paper Role Playing Game as well as Tabletop Games as my hobby. As required, I also paint miniatures models for my Tabletop Games which I enjoyed it quite fondly though I'm a bit slow at it compared to other people. I also took up reading a lot of novels but I've been reading a certain series of novels e.g. Warhammer 40,000, Warcraft and Starcraft. But I still love to go on the Internet for hours and hours. What I am still disappointed with myself is the fact that I'm impatient and have quite a short attention span. I also tend to forget things like what assignment I'm suppose to do or where did I left my keys. I'm also in need of losing weight and I'm not that physically active.
Zen is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 18 Jan 2009, 09:41   #2 (permalink)
Shas'O
 
Join Date: Apr 2006
Location: Fort Plain, New York, USA
Posts: 5,088
Send a message via AIM to deraj Send a message via MSN to deraj
Default Re: Need help; review my Application Essay please.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Zenai

My name is Ian Adly Bin Iskandar Dzakurnain. I was born at the Chinese Maternity Hospital in Kuala Lumpur on the 8th of September 1989. I am currently, living in Shah Alam Selangor with my mother and brother. My mother is a Government Officer in the Ministry of Women, Family, and Community Development while my brother is pursuing a course in Graphic Design at One Academy.

As I stated in my application I am Malay and practice Islam as my religion. I am quite open-minded and tolerant to other people's beliefs and faith including the beliefs of the Jewish, Catholics and Atheists, whom I interact with a lot, though we poke fun at each other's religion and beliefs as well as stereotypes. I myself, make fun of my own race and religion. I believe our people and our religion should not be given special treatment and it should be open to make a joke of like any other topic but not until it's clearly and obviously racist and insulting to one's people and religion. I also believe Allah is like the God described in the Old and New Testament of the Jewish and Christian Faith and that Jews, Christian and Muslims are of one Faith and we all worship the same God. Though sometimes I can't help but feel that Allah has a cruel sense of humor but I guess it adds a bit humor, for myself, into the world that's often filled with bitterness and sadness these days. For me, Life is just one big journey to Death and eventually, Heaven. But it's not the prospect of Heaven that excites me, it's the prospect of meeting new people and visiting new places along the way as well as visiting and meeting those places and people over and over again. My own goal in life is to be surrounded by many true and trusted friends, a loving wife, 4 adorable children and eventually, even more adorable grandchildren. Money has it's place but I often see that money is nothing without people you know and love to enjoy it with.

I am an all-rounded person; Jack-of-all-Trades and Master of None. But I'm quite a fast learner and pick up on how to do things quite easily. I'm quite practical as I rather tinker and do “Trial and Error” to figure out on how to do things. But I do refer to manuals and such if I ever come across a particularly hard problem and/or have no basic knowledge of it. People say I'm quite friendly and I have a smiling, friendly face to back it up. I used to say playing Computer/Console Games and going on the Internet is my Hobby. But recently. I've got quite bored with Computer/Console Games and have been playing Designer Board Games and playing Pen and Paper Role Playing Game as well as Tabletop Games as my hobby. As required, I also paint miniatures models for my Tabletop Games which I enjoyed it quite fondly though I'm a bit slow at it compared to other people. I also took up reading a lot of novels, but I've been reading a certain series of novels e.g. Warhammer 40,000, Warcraft and Starcraft. But I still love to go on the Internet for hours and hours. What I am still disappointed with myself is the fact that I'm impatient and have quite a short attention span. I also tend to forget things like what assignment I'm suppose to do or where did I left my keys. I'm also in need of losing weight and I'm not that physically active.
Fixed a few grammatical errors, and the struckthrough part is the one I want to talk about. Don't speak so much of your short comings, talk about your acheivements, and more about your goals. Have you had a job? Have you done community service or been in any groups or clubs? That sort of thing is more useful...
deraj is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 18 Jan 2009, 09:46   #3 (permalink)
Shas'O
 
Join Date: Apr 2006
Location: Australia
Posts: 7,755
Send a message via MSN to Yaifrog
Default Re: Need help; review my Application Essay please.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Zenai
But I still love to go on the Internet for hours and hours.
Are you crazy?!? Seriously, are you? That is the one universal phrase that people react negatively to :P

If you want to get a loan, never, EVER, EVER mention the internet.
Yaifrog is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 18 Jan 2009, 09:47   #4 (permalink)
Zen
Ethereal
 
Join Date: Jan 2008
Posts: 12,937
Send a message via MSN to Zen
Default Re: Need help; review my Application Essay please.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Deraj
Fixed a few grammatical errors, and the struckthrough part is the one I want to talk about. Don't speak so much of your short comings, talk about your acheivements, and more about your goals. Have you had a job? Have you done community service or been in any groups or clubs? That sort of thing is more useful...
Ah, much thanks. I'll add the Job/Charity/Achievement thing in a new paragraph

Quote:
Originally Posted by Yaifrog
Quote:
Originally Posted by Zenai
But I still love to go on the Internet for hours and hours.
Are you crazy?!? Seriously, are you? That is the one universal phrase that people react negatively to :P

If you want to get a loan, never, EVER, EVER mention the internet.
My first time doing this :P Deraj removed that part so no worries.
Zen is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 18 Jan 2009, 09:50   #5 (permalink)
Shas'El
 
Join Date: Nov 2007
Posts: 3,933
Default Re: Need help; review my Application Essay please.

I get alot of mixed vibes here. Its normal. Youll notice in the 2, 3 rd depictions that you pick on yourself a tad, in tandem with representation, this comes off to me strangely.

Pointing out that you voice concerns that you tolerate most religions equally. This is ok, it could be reiterated differently, but its not bad. Though try to cut out the personal opinion of how you view your faith, people differ on every subject, you might push a button, and the way you go about it is good, then sad, then good, keep it ;D, upbeat. You could also say if you wanted that the teachings of your religion keep you dedicated to the duties that are your life. If this is a loan, reassurance could be a nice way of going about it.

Your view on family however can be stated with a combined feeling of how you feel towards your belief and wishes for family. You could simply say, one of my wishes on this Earth is to have children, and live long enough to see my grandchildren and tell them about your days etc...

I personally stay clear of the religion.

in a breakdown

Reassure your academy/and or student loan application. Talk about your committed endeerments and dont get, speak or mention any negative, grim or mixed writings. They come off as if you appear less committed then you are trying to get across to.

Look towards your final statement, people remember the first and last headings the most. This is what I learned from Journalism. So make your first thesis statement a winner. For example.

"Born to a Government officer, brother to a graphic design artist, my name is Ian Adly Iskandar Dzakurnain. I am a person raised with high expectations, and I give no less then this, because you expect no less of me."

or think of it this way

sells yourself like a m#$$3$%$#$%^$ lemonade on a hot m#$$3$%$#$%^$ day.
pepsi is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 19 Jan 2009, 08:47   #6 (permalink)
Ethereal
 
Join Date: Feb 2005
Location: Behind you
Posts: 19,399
Send a message via MSN to ForbiddenKnowledge
Default Re: Need help; review my Application Essay please.

It seems ok, although I wonder about the religion-joking part - remember that the people reading might not think its a laugh.

Also - you don't seem to sell yourself enough! Stop being modest. Mention you're achievements, mention (but don't go into huge detail) the work you did on the strange Gazett (working to send out a weekly/monthly newsletter shows commitment).

Remember, its ok to "lie" in which I mean its ok to exagerate slightly. Above all, make a point that you are committed, and once you start something you see it through to its best conclusion - business' and things looove that
__________________
[quote]Thou shalt not crave thy neighbour

Quote:
Originally Posted by Tim.
Rafe is damn sexy once he gets into his night attire.
ForbiddenKnowledge is offline   Reply With Quote
Reply

Bookmarks


Currently Active Users Viewing This Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
 
Thread Tools
Display Modes

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are On
Pingbacks are On
Refbacks are On


Similar Threads
Thread Thread Starter Forum Replies Last Post
Whats an essay? wyrd_ian Enclave Talk 21 05 Oct 2008 01:22
My essay (tell me what you think) fat_tree Enclave Talk 6 09 Mar 2008 23:54
warhammer essay korik1 General 40K 8 31 May 2006 23:14
English Essay - C&C NEEDED The Mothman Enclave Talk 0 23 May 2006 23:43
My English 11 short essay jhrovii Enclave Talk 5 24 Aug 2005 16:19