Tau Empire Codex 2013 | Army Builder Program
Dark Angels Codex 2013
Chaos Daemons Codex 2013
Chaos Space Marines Codex 2012

Warhammer 40k Forum Tau Online

 

Warhammer 40K Forum

The Strange Gazzet Thread
View Poll Results: Which is the best craption (see below)
Entry A 4 23.53%
Entry B 4 23.53%
Entry C 3 17.65%
Entry D 0 0%
Entry E 6 35.29%
Voters: 17. You may not vote on this poll

Reply
Old 07 Apr 2008, 21:07   #1 (permalink)
Shas'El
 
Join Date: Oct 2007
Posts: 2,599
Default The Strange Gazzet Thread

What is the Strange Gazzet?
The Strange Gazzet is a weekly newsletter a number of members work on in our own hidden board (so you guys don't get the drop on what we're planning ) and it's an urine-extraction from the 40k universe. We have a number of different sections running in the Gazzet, including:
  • Advertisements from the 41st Millennium
  • Quiz competition*
  • News Stories
  • Crossword comepetition*
  • Black Out competition*
  • Ask Auntie Overlord

* A number of Gazzet competitions are now offering Gazzet Points (see below)

Example Gazzet
Quote:

Issue 64 – RRP: I so want a Super-Pretendo 64 now!

Advertisement!

Want fresh, clean skin? Then why not try Slaanlotion today! 110% garanteed to give you fresh, clean skin using the secret blend of active ingredients, such as arsenic, hychloric acid and foot-rot bacteria!*

*May be deadly to Guardsmen, Tyranids, Daemons and Talos, do not attempt to use as a laxative.

[hr]

Chaos Lords Play Poker:
This piece was submitted by Wargamer!

The following is a transcript of a poker match between six of the most powerful Chaos Lords in the universe. It explains why Chaos never manages to succeed at anything...

ABADDON: Alright, everyone ready?
ALL: Yes.
ABADDON: Good. First, each player is dealt two cards face down. After each round, additional cards come out face up in a communal pot, until we have five on the table. Best hand wins.
AHRIMAN: I thought we were playing Blind Card Poker...
ABADDON: What? I never said that! You said you hated Blind Card Poker.
AHRIMAN: I changed my mind.
TYPHUS: My cards have melted...
ABADDON: Gah! Put rubber gloves on, damn it! Your fungal infection is melting things again!
KHARN: And you didn't wear gloves when you brought the munchies last week! My toilet took a bigger battering than Istaavan!
AHRIMAN: You know, I've changed my mind about my seat, I want to sit over there...
HURON: Tough! I'm not shifting sides!
LUCIUS: Yeah, right! Shifting Sides is all you're good at!
ABADDON: Shut up!
*alkward silence.*
ABADDON: Right, Typhus, you start. Buy in or Fold.
TYHUS: I'm in.
AHRIMAN: In. No, out. In. Out. In. Out.
LUCIUS: Shake it all about!
*sound of armoured gauntlets hitting flesh.*
ABADDON: Lucius is out.
AHRIMAN: I'm in then.
ABADDON: Same. Kharn, make the little-blind.
KHARN: In.
ABADDON: Right, here we go.
LUCIUS: Urgh... what hit me...
ABADDON: This.
*sound of armoured gauntlets hitting flesh.*
KHARN: I like this game.
HURON: Raise 20.
TYPHUS: Match and raise 20.
AHRIMAN: Match and... raise... no, yes, no, yes.
KHARN: Raise Gorchild!
*violent screams*
HURON: That's a "fold", I take it.
KHARN: Into three pieces.
ABADDON: Okay, we're getting there...
*silence*
TYPHUS: Last round... raise 200!
ABADDON: Call and raise 100.
KHARN: Call.
HURON: All in!
*long silence*
TYPHUS: ...fold.
ABADDON: Fold.
KHARN: In! Full House three Aces!
HURON: Royal Flush!
KHARN: Khornate Flush!
*Sounds of chainaxe revving, and screams.*
ABADDON: Alright, that's it! Next week, Gorechild is not welcome at the table!

[hr]

The battle of Dalynth

The sky flashed with Thunderhawks exploding, and guns firing. Dirt flew into the air as a Hell Talon strafed a field, ripping apart the power armour of 5 space marines of the Raging Bolts chapter. Manic laughs echoed from the cockpit of the wicked aircraft, as it pulled up to turn around and hunt for more prey.

"Brother Captain Ferranold, we need your advice. This is time of desperate need. "Lieutenant Delino clenched his teeth. "We are losing this fight!" Ferranold took time to ponder over the situation, but it was clear that his mind was made.
"Brother Delino. Order the armoury of space fleet Dalyth to have 3 Lascannons teleported to every tactical squad on the field."
"But Sir!" Delino was clearly shocked. "Isn't that.."
"What? Are you questioning my authority?"
"No, my Lord, but isn't that... Power Gaming?"
"You could call it that...."
The Lieutenant was still obviously disgusted at the plan.
"But sir, I'm not even sure if that option is in the codex. It states here; "If the unit is 10 man strong, then one space marine in the team may chose to take one Lascannon"
"Well, the codex is a load of rubbish. I never even read the damn thing."
The battlefield fell silent. Every head of both armies turned in horror to the sound of the words they had just heard.
"Yes, there, I said it. The codex is a load of rubbish. I don't use it, it's pointless."
Numerous cries of "NOOB!" and "READ THE DAMN RULES" were heard across the battlefield.
"I HAVEN'T READ THE RULES EITHER! THE RULES ARE A LOAD OF RUBBISH, TOO!" Ferranold bellowed in response to the insults.
It suddenly felt cold. The warm halls of the gaming hall had turned into a gray, dull street. Stewie Ferranold, and his team-mate Thomas Delino, had been disqualified from the Gaming tournament.

"Oh, real mature."

[hr]

Random Fact:

The Apocalpse is scheduled to begin next Tuesday, at about 7Pm, and there shall be a great rain of fish, and beds, and that shall signify the beginning.

[hr]

Dear Auntie Overlord!

Dear Auntie Overlord,
I have a tough decision to make. My family, historically have always been Khornate, but my best friend worships Nurgle, and I find worship of the Plague God much more appealing. Which comes first, friends or family? Feelings or tradition? Please help me.
Brooding Bloodletter


My dear Bloodletter, I can relate to your problem. Well, no, not really, since I never knew my parents. I was rather hungry at birth, and uninterested in their character, you see. So, in a way, people could see me as ‘emotionally detached’, though they often prefer the verbiage ‘Holy Klkn, you are one heartless son of a AAARGHHH IT BURNS IT BURNS!’. Back on topic though, if you have to choose between friends and family, make them compete in a gladiatorian battle, in which the victor gets your approval. Or perhaps some kind of wacky chariot-race. Though if you do, make sure one of the parties wears a wristwatch that doesn’t concur with the historical setting of the race.
Hope to have helped!

*****

Dear Auntie Overlord,
I am constantly missing my target with my boltgun. How can I correct this oversight or hide my terrible aim?
Your Battle Brother, Morpheos, Dark Angels Chapter, 3rd Company, 1st Tactical Squad, Under Captain Ulciris


Dear Morpheos, I’m glad you asked my advice. It’s simple, your boltgun is nota n efficiënt weapon, in your hands. Try looking for a weapon you can relate to. For me, besides having an army of urinal gnomes (yes they all laughed at those, until they realised the danger), I usually arm myself with a castratana, which is an ancient Oriental sword with only one purpose.

Of course, the problem could lie in your eyesight. Do your doors have retinal scanners? If so, please stop using them, since it’s clear they’re murdering your eyes very slowly.

*****

Dear Auntie Overlord,
I am addicted to carbonated drinks but my Commissar has banned all usual drinks, is there a solution to this problem or can I kill the Commissar and how?
Guardsmen Hicks


Hicks, first off, your name reminds me of a guy I used to know. Well, not me, one of my offspring, in her nest on PK-219. The parties there were wild, drinking and chestbursting as much as you can.
Carbonated drinks? Is that what they used to freeze your international hero Han Solo? Well, in that case, it’s safe to say, you should stop using them, and find a less lethal alternative. I suggest the blood of foulhearted men (perhaps your Commissar?), which renders your immortal for at least 75 seconds. The more you drink, the longer you’ll remain immortal, naturally.
Glad to have helped!

[hr]

Quiz
Important Note: We are offering up to 5 Gazzet Points for any member to reply with the correct answers to the Quiz. Please contact Commander Songblade with your answers to receive your point(s). Please refer to this thread for how to spend your points.

The Horus Heresy:

1. What was the name that the Luna Wolves adopted shortly before the Heresy?
2. Which Legion returned to Terra to fortify the Emperor's palace?
3. Which Primarch used forbidden magic to try and warn the Emperor of the Heresy?
4. Which two legions' imminent arrival to the battle upon Terra caused Horus to personally challenge the Emperor?
5. Which Primarch did Horus slay before the Emperor arrived?

[hr]

The Strange Gazzet Crosswords
Important Note: We are offering 5 Gazzet Points for each Crossword completed below! Please contact Farseer Tyross to receive your points. Please refer to this thread for how to spend your points.

Daemon Hunters crossword
Space Marines crossword
Witch hunters crossword
Necrons crossword
Gazzet News
04/04/08: The Gazzet has returned to it's "underground" status, and you're now seeing the product of that move.

Vacancies
We currently have no vacancies going for the Gazzet, but check back often to see if there are any. They will be posted here if there are (as well as advertised in the Gazzet itself as well when it gets sent out).

Subscriptions
You can subscribe to the Gazzet a number of ways:
A) PM FT, The Strange Child or Commander Songblade and we'll add you as soon as possible.
B) Post here saying you want to subscribe to the Gazzet (or words to that effect ).

And remember, this is completely free, and you'll recieve a new issue every Monday, delivered straight to your Personal Message inbox!

Ask Auntie Overlord
If you have any questions for the Ask Auntie Overlord feature we have in the Gazzet, please voice them here and they'll be answered in the next Gazzet (time and space permitting).

Gazzet Points
In truth, we aren't sure what the Gazzet points will entail exactly, as the Gazzet committee are currently discussing a number of interesting and... strange... ideas for them. Amongst the possibilities are scorpions, medals, seals and a number of different and strange ideas for you to spend your Gazzet points on. Check back when this topic gets updated for more information we have it (also check your Gazzet).

FAQ
This is a place where you can ask questions about the Gazzet, it's creators, it's writers and other stuff related to the Gazzet. Post up here or PM us, and we'll get them answered for you .
There are currently no questions

History of the Gazzet
The Gazzet has a long history, and you can view it here.

Submissions
The Gazzet always welcomes submissions, so PM FT, The Strange Child or Commander Songblade if you have a piece that you think should be in the Gazzet. Please refrain from swearing and rudeness, and please try to use the spell checker and correct grammar. We will be offering Gazzet points from now for submissions (again, still be decided how much to offer).
__________________


Real men read The Strange Gazzet! (PM me for more information)

Thanks to Jais for finding the avatar!
Commander Songblade is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 07 Apr 2008, 21:10   #2 (permalink)
Shas'O
 
Join Date: Aug 2006
Posts: 9,460
Default Re: The Strange Gazzet Thread

Its monday. Where's my gazzett?
GeekyGator is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 07 Apr 2008, 21:18   #3 (permalink)
Ethereal
 
Join Date: Aug 2006
Location: Melbourne, Australia
Posts: 11,122
Default Re: The Strange Gazzet Thread

Should this be stickied? Or it it going to recieve enough posting that it will remain on the first page like the "post a picture of yourself" thread?

Or does FT have plans?

(Btw - the Poker game was awesome!)
Nightmare is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 07 Apr 2008, 21:20   #4 (permalink)
Shas'El
 
Join Date: Jan 2008
Location: Portsmouth
Posts: 3,941
Default Re: The Strange Gazzet Thread

Quote:
Originally Posted by GeekyGator
Its monday. Where's my gazzett?
...I've got mine ;D

But the Gazzet is sent any time on monday. It could range from 12:00am to 11:59pm :P It's even more varied at the moment, because FT's computer is still a bit broken... I think... :
__________________
(C:/Dos)
(C:/Dos/Run)
(Run, Dos, Run!)
"Roses are #FF0000, violets are #0000FF, all my base are belong to you."

Quote:
Originally Posted by Circus
Circus: Yes well Bubgum we've been gradually establishing today that you're wrong
Quote:
Originally Posted by Anton
Anton: I placed the broom between my legs, engaged the engine, applied the gas and away I was.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Timjim
I'm working on it, I'll even unclip the crotch flap so it swings
Bubgum is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 07 Apr 2008, 21:29   #5 (permalink)
Shas'El
 
Join Date: Oct 2007
Posts: 2,599
Default Re: The Strange Gazzet Thread

Quote:
Originally Posted by GeekyGator
Its monday. Where's my gazzett?
You should have recieved it, it was a delay in this thread's release which caused it being sent out late.

Quote:
Originally Posted by SILK
Should this be stickied? Or it it going to recieve enough posting that it will remain on the first page like the "post a picture of yourself" thread?

Or does FT have plans?
I believe he is gonna sticky it, but I'm not sure so let's leave it.

Quote:
Originally Posted by SILK

(Btw - the Poker game was awesome!)
You'll make Wargamer happy.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Bubgum Teh Cyborg
Quote:
Originally Posted by GeekyGator
Its monday. Where's my gazzett?
...I've got mine ;D

But the Gazzet is sent any time on monday. It could range from 12:00am to 11:59pm :P It's even more varied at the moment, because FT's computer is still a bit broken... I think... :
This thread caused the delay, mainly because I was quite slow. It's my fault really, but it was a confusing day.
__________________


Real men read The Strange Gazzet! (PM me for more information)

Thanks to Jais for finding the avatar!
Commander Songblade is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 08 Apr 2008, 11:56   #6 (permalink)
Ethereal
 
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: United Kingdom
Posts: 16,024
Default Re: The Strange Gazzet Thread

Quote:
Originally Posted by GeekyGator
Its monday. Where's my gazzett?
Unfortunately, you've been removed from the Gazzet list and placed on the "bad person" list by mistake. So instead of getting a brand new Gazzet, you got a Pirate Basilisk instead, which I then sent a Scorpion along to tell the Basilisk that a mistake had happened and not to fill your head with some lead...

Quote:
Originally Posted by SILK
Should this be stickied? Or it it going to recieve enough posting that it will remain on the first page like the "post a picture of yourself" thread?
Topic stickied, although I'm not sure which is quite stickier, this topic or Wargamer's bed sheets? ???

:P

Quote:
Originally Posted by SILK
Or does FT have plans?
I've always got plans... I've got plans within plans and plots with plans, and plans within plots. I've also got a scheme with a plan thats in a plot that just happens to be within a cover-up :shifty:

Quote:
Originally Posted by SILK
(Btw - the Poker game was awesome!)
Thank Wargamer ;D. He put his money where his mouth is ;D

Quote:
Originally Posted by Bubgum Teh Cyborg
...I've got mine ;D

But the Gazzet is sent any time on monday. It could range from 12:00am to 11:59pm :P It's even more varied at the moment, because FT's computer is still a bit broken... I think... :
The Strange Gazzet does not like to be tied down to a particular time, as it is just that... Strange. But I'll get there sometime before Tuesday (hopefully :shifty
FTyross is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 08 Apr 2008, 15:43   #7 (permalink)
Ethereal
 
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: United Kingdom
Posts: 16,024
Default Re: The Strange Gazzet Thread

I thought I got out of it pretty well :P.

Oh and guys reading this, we have a cool idea going up regarding the Gazzet Points. I'm remaining tight lipped for now, but the "Scorpion Pit" tourney may just get off the ground ;D
FTyross is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 08 Apr 2008, 19:21   #8 (permalink)
Shas'O
 
Join Date: Oct 2006
Location: Over The Hills And Far Away
Posts: 6,508
Default Re: The Strange Gazzet Thread

Quote:
Originally Posted by The Strange Master (FT)
Oh and guys reading this, we have a cool idea going up regarding the Gazzet Points. I'm remaining tight lipped for now, but the "Scorpion Pit" tourney may just get off the ground ;D
If it is a pit, surely we want it in the ground? :P
__________________

Quote:
Originally Posted by Minako
The female race really is disgusting.


Tomo1 is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 08 Apr 2008, 19:23   #9 (permalink)
Shas'El
 
Join Date: Jan 2008
Location: Portsmouth
Posts: 3,941
Default Re: The Strange Gazzet Thread

Epic... Just Epic, TSC :P


But, maybe it's a floating pit!
__________________
(C:/Dos)
(C:/Dos/Run)
(Run, Dos, Run!)
"Roses are #FF0000, violets are #0000FF, all my base are belong to you."

Quote:
Originally Posted by Circus
Circus: Yes well Bubgum we've been gradually establishing today that you're wrong
Quote:
Originally Posted by Anton
Anton: I placed the broom between my legs, engaged the engine, applied the gas and away I was.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Timjim
I'm working on it, I'll even unclip the crotch flap so it swings
Bubgum is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 08 Apr 2008, 21:30   #10 (permalink)
Ethereal
 
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: United Kingdom
Posts: 16,024
Default Re: The Strange Gazzet Thread

Just did a bit of a clean up in here . Trying to keep it focused afterall
FTyross is offline   Reply With Quote
Reply

Bookmarks


Currently Active Users Viewing This Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
 
Thread Tools
Display Modes

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are On
Pingbacks are On
Refbacks are On


Similar Threads
Thread Thread Starter Forum Replies Last Post
The Strange Gazzet/TO Newsletter Merger Ineluki Tau Online Comments/Suggestions 60 08 Feb 2009 18:15
History of the FT/Strange Gazzet FTyross Enclave Talk 12 29 Jan 2008 19:24
The Strange Gazzet Comic Designer Poll! FTyross Enclave Talk 31 28 Nov 2007 03:14
The Strange Gazzet Needs You! FTyross Enclave Talk 88 22 Nov 2007 04:34