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Post Some nice jokes
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Old 31 Mar 2007, 02:03   #1 (permalink)
Shas'Vre
 
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Default Post Some nice jokes

Ok, here you can make or find some nice funny jokes!


Here are some from a comedian!


Ever had a crap so big that your pants fit better? I hope I do because I really want to fit in my wardrobe size!

So the first day my wife cooked for me, and it was AWFUL! I gave it to the dog, and it turned around and started licking its butt. My wife asks," Why's he licking his butt?" I reply," He's probably trying to get the taste out of his mouth " Good comedian


Now some from my friend....

Chinese make grass ( I truely forgot the first line...)
Americans watch their grass
Mexicans mow the grass
Middle Easterns pray for grass

...If that offended you I didn't make it!

Then from wikipedia, which means anonymous!

Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson go on a camping trip. After a good dinner, they retire for the night, and go to sleep.
Some hours later, Holmes wakes up and nudges his faithful friend. "Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see."

"I see millions and millions of stars, Holmes" replies Watson.

"And what do you deduce from that?"

Watson ponders for a minute.

"Well, astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo. Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three. Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. Theologically, I can see that God is all powerful, and that we are a small and insignificant part of the universe. What does it tell you, Holmes?"

Holmes is silent for a moment. "Watson, you idiot!" he says. "Someone has stolen our tent!"


Here's another

A couple of New Jersey hunters are out in the woods when one of them falls to the ground. He doesn't seem to be breathing, his eyes are rolled back in his head. The other guy whips out his cell phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps to the operator: "My friend is dead! What can I do?" The operator, in a calm soothing voice says: "Just take it easy. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead." There is a silence, then a shot is heard. The guy's voice comes back on the line. He says: "OK, now what?"


Ok here's another

A woman gets on a bus with her baby.
The bus driver says: "That's the ugliest baby that I've ever seen. Ugh!"

The woman goes to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to a man next to her: "The driver just insulted me!"

The man says: "You go right up there and tell him off go ahead, I'll hold your monkey for you."


Another!

This woman rushed to see her doctor, looking very much worried and all strung out. She rattles off: "Doctor, take a look at me. When I woke up this morning, I looked at myself in the mirror and saw my hair all wiry and frazzled up, my skin was all wrinkled and pasty, my eyes were bloodshot and bugging out, and I had this corpse-like look on my face! What's WRONG with me, Doctor!?"
The doctor looks her over for a couple of minutes, then calmly says: "Well, I can tell you that there ain't nothing wrong with your eyesight."


Another!!! ;D

Bentine: I just came in and found him lying on the carpet there.
Sellers: Oh, is he dead?

Bentine: I think so.

Sellers: Hadn't you better make sure?

Bentine: All right. Just a minute.

[Sound of two gun shots.]

Bentine: He's dead


I hope some people are laughing!

Post your own or some funny ones you find!
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Old 31 Mar 2007, 07:20   #2 (permalink)
Shas'Saal
 
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Default Re: Post Some nice jokes

ok a secret agent drops down into a room and starts putting C4 all over a door then he wires it all up goes round the corner and sets of the detonator... nothing happens so he goes back round puts more on goes back round the corner and sets of the detonator... nothing happens.
rather puzzled goes back round the corner and take a bight out of the C4
Agent: oh....

Cuts to s house on a large hill

Son:hey mum can we make cookies
Mum:sure ill get the dough

BOOM!!!! the house explodes ;D
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Old 31 Mar 2007, 07:33   #3 (permalink)
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Default Re: Post Some nice jokes

"No one can win the battle of the sexes, theres too much fraternising with the enemy"

Steven wright. i think.
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Old 31 Mar 2007, 12:30   #4 (permalink)
Shas'O
 
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Default Re: Post Some nice jokes

OK then.


There is a man who lives in a village and is a devout Christian, and one day there is a flood that engulfs the village, teh man makes it out of his house on to the top of his roof. After about 10 minuites a small dingy sails by being rowed by two men who offer to save him but he says to teh m "no, The Lord will save me"

An hour later a motor boat pulls up and the driver offeres to take him but again he replys "no, The Lord will save me"

an hour after that a rescue helecopter flys over and offer to save him but again he insists "no, hte Lord will save me"

Unfortunatley for the man it starts raining heavily and the water leven ries and teh man drowns. At teh gates to heaven the man meets St Peter and asks him "Why didn't The Lord save me?" And St Peter replys :


"for crying out loud he sent two boats and a helecopter what more do you want?"
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Old 31 Mar 2007, 13:15   #5 (permalink)
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Default Re: Post Some nice jokes

So, an Englishman and an Irishman were captured by Bin laden. Bin Laden says go get 100 fruit from a jungle. the Englishman comes back with 100 grapes. so bin laden says i want u to stick em up ya bum then you can go. 1 hour later the Englishman got to 99 then the Irishman came back.the Englishman laughs, making the grapes come out. Bin Laden says why did u laugh Englishman says I'm laughing at the Irishman with the cocanuts!
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Old 31 Mar 2007, 17:11   #6 (permalink)
Shas'Vre
 
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Default Re: Post Some nice jokes

I've heard the one O'Shovah said, except it was with shipwrecked sailors and Indians.


Mine:

A very drunken man comes to a carnival. He gets to the shooting booth and says:
"Oy dere! Lemme' 'ave a go, ay?"
The carnie says: "I'm sorry, sir, but this is a shooting booth and in your condition I can't possibly let you have a go."
Man: "Lemme' 'ave a go, or I'll break this chair 'ere over your 'ead!"
Carnie: "Okay, okay, just try not to kill anyone."

The man shoots, and hits the bull's eye on every one.

Carnie: "Oh, boy! Nobody's ever done that before! As a prize, I'll let you have a real, live TURTLE!" He gives a turtle to the drunken man, and the man walks off.

An hour later, the man walks back to the booth, even more drunk.

"Lemme' 'ave a go!" he says, the carnie says no, but the man threatens again and the carnie relents. Again, the man shoots every target.

Carnie: "Oh, boy, nobody's ever done that before, twice! As a prize, you get a real live robot that will do all your chores!"
Man: "I don't want a robot! I want another one of 'dem meat pies!"
__________________________________________________ ___

A couple of men are walking down a railroad track. One of the men sees a stray piece of wood. "Oh, a piece of wood!" he says, and throws it into the air.
__________________________________________________ ___

Husband: "Is it a boy? Is it a boy? Is it a boy?
Nurse: "No, I'm afraid it's a girl."
Husband: "Ah, well, that was my second choice."
__________________________________________________ ___

What did the cat say after it got it's head chopped off?
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Nothing, it was dead.
__________________________________________________ ___

A man and a woman get on board an airplane. The woman is holding a cat on her lap.
"I'm sorry," says the man. "But I'm allergic to cats. Would you mind switching seats with someone?"
"Yes, I would." says the woman, very haughtily.
"Really, miss." replies the man. "But I'm very allergic! I get a rash, my eyes swell up, it's terrible! Please, could you move?"
"No!" says the woman. "You move!"
"But I can't!" says the man. "I want an aisle seat!"
"Fine." says the woman. "You'll have to deal with this cat then."

The plane lifts off. Pretty soon, the man begins to get a bad rash and he blows his nose a lot.

"GET OUT!" says the man. "Get out of the seat!" when the woman doesn't say anything back, he picks up her purse and tosses it away.
"Hey!" says the woman, and picks up the man's brief case. She too, throws it away into the back of the plane.
"Fine then!" says the man. He picks up the cat, smashes the window, and tosses it out of the plane which is by now very high in the sky. The woman bursts into tears and cries for the rest of the flight.

When they touch down, both the man and the woman are walking across the runway to the terminal. "Look!" says the man. "Your cat survived!" They both look at the plane.

On the fuselage, there are a set of very long scratch marks going down. At the end of them, the cat is hanging on for it's dear life. And in it's mouth...
-
-
-
-
... is the piece of wood.

:
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Old 31 Mar 2007, 17:23   #7 (permalink)
lonely tau
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Default Re: Post Some nice jokes

oh god, I've got some good ones...too bad they aren't really appropriate and rather racial...well, really racial, but they're still funny :P
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Old 31 Mar 2007, 22:26   #8 (permalink)
Shas'O
 
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Default Re: Post Some nice jokes

There was a black and white space marine on a black and white bike...

(I'll stop there as that joke is most probably a smiteable offence)
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Old 31 Mar 2007, 22:34   #9 (permalink)
Shas'Vre
 
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Default Re: Post Some nice jokes

Quote:
Originally Posted by Hadhfang
There was a black and white space marine on a black and white bike...

(I'll stop there as that joke is most probably a smiteable offence)
PM me anyway :P
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Old 31 Mar 2007, 22:37   #10 (permalink)
Ethereal
 
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Default Re: Post Some nice jokes

Most probably. :P

---------
What's the difference between 50,000 in pound coins and 50,000 refugees?

I don't have 50,000 crammed into my garage.
---------
Irish jokes (I have nothing against the Irish, replace with any nationality you want :P):

There was an Irish dog chewing a bone...
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It's leg fell off.
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There was an Irish bookworm...
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Found dead in a brick.
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There was an Irish cat...
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That dug a hole and buried itself
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There was an Irishman...
-
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-
He was Irish.
------------

Can't be bothered to write any more right now!
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