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Favorite military jokes and quotes
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Old 26 Feb 2007, 02:37   #1 (permalink)
Ethereal
 
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Default Favorite military jokes and quotes

I got really really bored, so I decided to make this topic-

...At a prewar diplomatic conference, the Nazi Foreign Minister Ribbentrop "sniffed" to Eden and Churchill that if there was another war, the Italians would be on Germany's side!
To which Churchill supposedly replied: "that seems only fair, we had them last time!"...

"The reason the American Army does so well in wartime, is that war is chaos, and the American Army practices it on a daily basis."
- from a post-war debriefing of a German General

There is no problem that cannot be solved by the use of high explosives.
- Bumper Sticker

You can have my gun when you pry it from my paranoid, mentally disturbed, physically-abusive, cold, dead hand.
- Bumper sticker

Always remember to pillage BEFORE you burn
- Unknown

Interdum feror cupidine partium magnarum Europae vincendarum
Sometimes I get this urge to conquer large parts of Europe.

Cum catapultae proscriptae erunt tum soli proscript catapultas habebunt.
When catapults are outlawed, only outlaws will have catapults

Catapultam habeo. Nisi pecuniam omnem mihi dabis, ad caput tuum saxum immane mittam.
I have a catapult. Give me all the money, or I will fling an enormous rock at your head

More to follow

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Old 26 Feb 2007, 03:43   #2 (permalink)
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Default Re: Favorite military jokes and quotes

The British Army wore redcoats because it would blend in whenever somebody got shot, and morale would keep up. To keep in that theme, the French wore brown pants.

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Old 26 Feb 2007, 06:06   #3 (permalink)
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Default Re: Favorite military jokes and quotes

What's the easiest way to kill a Frenchman?
Put him in an army. ;D
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Old 26 Feb 2007, 06:31   #4 (permalink)
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Default Re: Favorite military jokes and quotes

As a pilot only two bad things can happen to you and one of them will.

* One day you will walk out to the aircraft knowing that it is your last flight in an airplane..

* One day you will walk out to the airplane not knowing that it is your last flight in an airplane...


One of the beautiful things about a single piloted aircraft is the quality of the social experience.


Q: How many Navy pilots does it take to change a light bulb?
A: One...he just holds the bulb and the world revolves around him.

A Navy Chief and an Air Force General were getting shave sin a barbershop.

As the barbers were reaching for some after-shave to slap on their faces, the General

shouts, "Hey, don't put that crap on me! My wife will think I've been in a whorehouse!" Whereupon the Chief turns to his barber and says, "Go ahead and put it on me, my wife doesn't know what the inside of a whorehouse smells like."

Blue water Navy truism; There are more planes in the ocean than there are submarines in the sky.

If the wings are traveling faster than the fuselage, it's probably a helicopter -- and therefore, unsafe.

Navy carrier pilots to Air Force pilots: Flaring is like squatting to pee.

When one engine fails on a twin-engine airplane you always have enough power left to get you to the scene of the crash.

Without ammunition the USAF would be just another expensive flying club.

What is the similarity between air traffic controllers and pilots? If a pilot screws up, the pilot dies; If ATC screws up, the pilot dies.

Never trade luck for skill.

The three most common expressions (or famous last words) in aviation are: "Why is it doing that?", "Where are we?" and "Oh S#!+!"

Weather forecasts are horoscopes with numbers.

Progress in airline flying; now a flight attendant can get a pilot pregnant.

Airspeed, altitude or brains. Two are always needed to successfully complete the flight.

A smooth landing is mostly luck; two in a row is all luck; three in a row is prevarication.

I remember when sex was safe and flying was dangerous.

Mankind has a perfect record in aviation; we never left one up there!

Flashlights are tubular metal containers kept in a flight bag for the purpose of storing dead batteries.

Flying the airplane is more important than radioing your plight to a person on the ground incapable of understanding it or doing anything about it.

When a flight is proceeding incredibly well, something was forgotten.

Just remember, if you crash because of weather, your funeral will be held on a sunny day.

Advice given to RAF pilots during W.W.II. When a prang (crash) seems inevitable, endeavor to strike the softest, cheapest object in the vicinity as slowly and gently as possible.

The Piper Cub is the safest airplane in the world; it can just barely kill you. (Attributed to Max Stanley, Northrop test pilot)

A pilot who doesn't have any fear probably isn't flying his plane to its maximum. (Jon McBride, astronaut)

If you're faced with a forced landing, fly the thing as far into the crash as possible. (Bob Hoover - renowned aerobatic and test pilot)

If an airplane is still in one piece, don't cheat on it; ride the bastard down. (Ernest K. Gann, author & aviator)

Though I Fly Through the Valley of Death I Shall Fear No Evil For I am at 80,000 Feet and Climbing. (sign over the entrance to the SR-71 operating location Kadena, Japan).

You've never been lost until you've been lost at Mach 3. (Paul F. Crickmore - test pilot)

Never fly in the same cockpit with someone braver than you.

There is no reason to fly through a thunderstorm in peacetime. (Sign over squadron ops desk at Davis-Monthan AFB, AZ, 1970).

The three best things in life are a good landing, a good orgasm, and a good bowel movement. The night carrier landing is one of the few opportunities in life where you get to experience all three at the same time. (Author unknown, but someone who's been there)

"Now I know what a dog feels like watching TV." (A DC-9 captain trainee attempting to check out on the 'glass cockpit' of an A-320).

If something hasn't broken on your helicopter, it's about to.

Basic Flying Rules

1. Try to stay in the middle of the air.
2. Do not go near the edges of it.
3. The edges of the air can be recognized by the appearance of ground, buildings, sea, trees and interstellar space. It is much more difficult to fly there.

You know that your landing gear is up and locked when it takes full power to taxi to the terminal.

A marine general, an army general and an navy admiral were discussing who has the toughest men one day.

The army general goes, "Alright, I'll prove the army's got the toughest men in the country. Private, get over here!"

The private reports as ordered -"Yes sir?"

The general goes, "see that man over there? Kill him!"

Without hesitating, the private kills the man.

The general goes "See? That man has balls!"

The marine general goes, "That's nothing! Private get over here!"

The marine private reports, "Yes sir?"

The general goes, "See that man over there? Kill him and then yourself!"

Without blinking the marine private pulls out his M-16 and blows away the guy, then turns the rifle on himself and unloads several rounds.

The marine general goes, "See? Now that man has balls!"

The admiral says, "That's nothing." He calls to a seaman high up on a tower, "Hey seaman! Jump off that tower!"

The seaman goes, "Excuse me sir?"

The admiral repeats, "JUMP OFF THAT TOWER!"

The seaman replies, "F#$% you sir!"

The admiral goes, "See? That man has balls and he's got brains too!"
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Old 26 Feb 2007, 06:52   #5 (permalink)
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Default Re: Favorite military jokes and quotes

Very good so far guys. Keep them coming.
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And I have learned.

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Old 26 Feb 2007, 16:11   #6 (permalink)
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Default Re: Favorite military jokes and quotes

Change your last name to "Parts", and join the army. Private Parts.

Mmmmhmmmm. Corny, yes. But funny nonetheless. :P

Yea... I don't know anymore.
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Old 26 Feb 2007, 17:32   #7 (permalink)
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Default Re: Favorite military jokes and quotes

If you think your own country's army is the best in the world consider this; Napoleon couldn't have done what he did without the troops he had. Now consider where they are 200 years later and dispair.

A man joined the military and on the first day they issued him a comb. The next day the barber shaved off all his hair. The they then issued him a toothbrush and the next day the dentist puled all his teeth. They then issued him an athletic supporter. The next day he was AWOL.
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Old 26 Feb 2007, 21:19   #8 (permalink)
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Default Re: Favorite military jokes and quotes

I liked that second one Spirit

I don't really know any that haven't been said, but this one has the word soldier in it (my teacher told me it)

One of George W. Bush's advisors came up to him one day and told him he had some very grave news. Bush asked him what was wrong and he told him that earlier that day a few Brazilian soldiers were killed by a sucicide bomber.

George Bush lowered his head and said, "That is terrible. But can you tell me something, how many is a Brazilian?"



Ya its not great but its all I got
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Old 26 Feb 2007, 22:46   #9 (permalink)
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Default Re: Favorite military jokes and quotes

-Does your jaked fit?
-Yes, Sergeant!
-How about trousers?
-Yes, Sergeant!
-How about hat and boots?
-Yes, Sergeant!
-How you got accepted in the Army?
-What do you mean, Sergeant?
-Your body structure must be deformed!

*****

What in common do both babys and officers have?
Both think that if they just scream enought they'll get what they want.

*****

American and French soldiers walked in Berlin after WW II.
-Whats the largest city in the World? asked the American.
-Paris, ansvered the French
-Bulls***! sayed the American, it's New York.
At the time a german ex-soldier walked by.
-You are both wrong. The largest city in the World is Stalingrad. It took us six months to get from the post office to the railway station...

*****

After the Winter War a group of american Life-magasine reporters had arrived in Finland to interview Finnish soldiers who had returned home from the war.
-What you did first when you arrived home.
-I "did" my wife.
-I see, what you did then?
-I "did" her again.
-Khrm, well... What you did after that?
-I took skis of my feet and backbag off my back.

*****

Once a Sissi-lietentant (sissi is finnish intel and sabotace soldier), who was commonly known as a real maniac, got surrounded with his squad by four enemy regiments.
-Ok guys, he started the sitrep. We have enemies in front, behind, on left and on right of us. Atleast this time they won't be able to escape from us.
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Old 26 Feb 2007, 23:56   #10 (permalink)
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Default Re: Favorite military jokes and quotes

The US Military calls their toilet paper Johnny Wane. Why? Because it's rough, tough, and takes no shit from anyone's ass!
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