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Old 13 May 2006, 16:51   #1 (permalink)
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Default Jokes

If anyone has any good 40K related jokes, please send them in.


Triple Threat x

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Old 13 May 2006, 18:54   #2 (permalink)
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Default Re: Jokes

Here we are :
A loyal marine is behind a rock, he yells "one loyal marine is better than 10 chaos marines!"
10 chaos marines run behind the rock, and there is shooting and crunching and screaming.
He sticks his head out again and says "1 loyal marine is better than 100 chaos marines!" 100 chaos marines tun behind the rock and there is shooting and crunching and screaming.
He sticks his head out again and says "1 loyal marine is better that 1000 chaos marines!" 1000 chaos marines run behind the rock (its a BIG rock) and there is shooting and crunching and screaming.
Then a chaos marine stumbles out and says "Be careful, its a trick, there's TWO of them!" My favourite btw
Things you don't wanna hear when you're in the Imperial Guard:

"We're outta ammo?"


Khorne Beserkers good fighters? Us Cadians can handle them!"

"You mean you FORGOT the Leman Russes?"

"Why are the Dark Angels surrounding us?"


"Funny, the Ogryns don't smell as bad when dead."

"Hey, a grenade without a pin!"

"You just had to forget the gas for the chimera, didn't you?"

"You know, guys...Chaos isn't SO bad"

"Fix bayonets!"

"Whaddya mean orbital bombardment?"

"We missed our shooting phase?"

"Hey, Sarge, this thing just fell out of the sky, it's all fleshy and squishy, and there are scratching noises inside.

"Colonel: "We're gonna die! We should all flee!"
Commissar: "Just this once, I agree with you!""


"Hehe, that's a good practical joke, plugging the tank's guns... let's stay really close to it so we can see the looks on their faces!"

"Our regiment has been assigned to fight in the Third Armageddon War? Sounds fun!"

"Sweet! And I get to be one of them? Man, this is so cool! I can't wait! Hey, what are the Last Chancers anyway?"

"Boy, I hope those artillery guys got the right coordinates...""Hah! Those Chaos dopes spelled 'surrender' with only one R!"

"I'm your new commanding officer. Now, this is my first command, so go easy on me, okay?"

"See? Lasguns can take anything. Drop it, throw it in the swamp, use it as a
club, and it still...uh oh."

"Well, we're low on ammo, our radio's busted, and we've got genestealers coming in on all sides. Let's charge them!"

"What do you mean that the sisters of battle have taken a vow of chasity?"

Comanding officer: How did you guys find basic training? Hard? Unlucky, i had a blast flicking spitballs at Colonal J. Tightass during our survival Techneques lessons!

Theres a wraithlord on the board...

Sir, the necrons are here, they have a monolith, and we only have 30 lascannons.

Welcome recruit, we you be sharing bunks with Private R. Sole

Comrade: Aww look, a cute doggy.
You: That aint no doggy, thats a hormagaunt!

So whats with these Torches? What do you mean there guns?!

Radio of Colonal:
Careful of the mine feild, the Co-ords are *Crackly Radio interuption*

"Why is my gun just a cardboard mock up?"

"I cant get in that chimera, its already on fire!"

"What do you mean take cover behind the bodies of the 423rd? We're the 423rd?"

"So what does this artillery locator beacon do?"

"When our moto says "Nobody walks away" Does it refer to them or us?"

"How can 9 minutes be an intensive training course?"

"You want me to put on this flak jacket? But theres a hole in it, and the hole is stained with blood!"

"When you say that the 422nd brought us fresh supplies of food, did you mean the 422nd were our fresh supply of food?"


"Holy poo! these really are flashlights!"

"Hey, we have the same Inititive as the Salamanders, we can beat 'em!"

"Flashlight..Warmer..Cigarette lighter...Stun...Hey!..Where's the kill setting on this Lasgun??"

"Why are they giving out Oven Mits with those Plasma guns?.."

"Join the army they say, see the many worlds they say, I'd rather be working in the kitchen than earning my pay shining lights at Khorne Berserkers.."

"Why can't we fire before the artillery?..We are the Elites damn'it, we are the glory boys, the ones who get the spiffy targeters.."

"Hey..Isn't that OUR Leman Russ?..Then why does it have that funny star on the front?"

-"Forget THIS! *sound of las-pistol hitting the ground* Come on guys! FOR KHORN!"
Or better... *Sound of a liqour bottle being opened* "For Slannesh!"
Or maybe even... Sound of projectile vomiting "FOR NURGLE!"

Aha! Get that spotlight over on them, if our flashlights can kill, then it must be a template weapon!!!

"What does 'victory' mean?"

"Stop shining that thing at me!"

"Why's the plasma gun on..there aren't any ene-"

"So,you say your from the eye huh...nice powerfist,whats that growing on your neck?"

"Theres good news and bad news,the good news is we're going to war,the bad news is,we're the only ones going and we don't get any more supplies"

"Hey look! The Eldar are using girls! *much laughter* "HEY stop screaming in my ear!"

Plaque on a Lasgun: "Warning, can trigger epilepsy"

'Warning: Do not look down barrel of Lasgun, may cause eye damage'

"Sweet, that one Terminator only has a scythe. It says something, Man...something. Eh, he's headed this way, he'll be an easy kill."

"Dude, check out that one guy. His whole head is bald except for that really long top knot on top. He's a poser I bet."

"Hey, the Commisar said it was only going to be a bug hunt. How big can they get?"

"Dude, all we have to do is hold out till they transmit the codes to viral bomb the enemy!"

"Hey, I've been reassigned to Catachan? Anyone know where that is or what it's like?"

"Cool, I've been reassigned to fight with Fleet Leviathan. I've always wanted to see how the navy fights."

"Why's the forest moving?"

"Dear mom, it's very boring here. All I do is guard an archeaological team on this dead moon. Neat ruins but there's nothing to do, hold on a minute, somebody is yellin for me...."

"We're surrounded on all sides. This simplifies our problem. CHARGE!"

Space Marine Captain: Well the Chaos forces are massing for an offesive. and frankly we just dont have the numbers or the psykers!
Inquisiter: Well, I'd like to help yah but, there just aren't enough grey nights to go around.
Space Marine: Well, there is one thing we can do.
Inquisitor: Oh Yah!
Both look at an imperial guardsmen playing cards with his buddies
Space Marine: Well, we shall have to initiate Operation Human Shield!

"Alright men, were goin ta war... I wont lie to yah, I'll be hidin with mah heavy weapons teams and the tanks... but i did get you these; pre written "Don't Worry I'm going to war letters," flash lights, under powered laser rifle, Diapers, and me and the commissars took the liberty of impregnating each of your wives an girlfriends so we could leave quicker."

"Abbaddon is coming this way, but don't worry, the commissar and the colonel both said not to worry as the might of the Emperor stood with us and they would pick up some extra donuts at the shop when they get back."

"Well our orders are in, we are to participate in Operation: Let them Tire Out Butchering the Guardsmen."

"Note to Jimmy R. Fielklestien: Quit praying to me, I dont care if you make it home to see your family. Personaly I enjoy watching you guys get annihilated. No, I will not be there to help you in the moment of truth. If you want help, talk to abbadon, he's much nicer than you'd think. Screw You; The God-Emperor of Humanity Bob Smith."

"The meaning of life is, your born, you join the guard, you die with 4000 other useless dweebs who couldm't make the adeptus astartes."

"What do ya mean we all have to start in reserve?"

"Did you say cityfight with khorne/nids/BAs/SW/DE/Orks...."

"Make an armour save?"

"Nightfight and no searchlights modeled?"

"Kroot can screen those crisis suits with rail guns?"

"Your unit has 2 flamers in it?"

"Take and hold?"

"What do you mean the comissar is falling back?"

"Auspex? What are the chances he has lictors..."

"Ok, we're supposed to advance under cover of the tanks.....wait, what do you mean? The tanks can't fire if they move? And they're supposed to be covering US?"

Commissar: "Welcome to your new warzone....you can rest when you've taken those trenches over there." (Commissar points at a dim line of brown about 20 miles away) "We start here. Good luck, and I'll see you when you get back."

"They're only Tau....we can shoot better than they can!"

"Ah, yes. Hive battles are FUN....."

"Whadda ya mean, those Orks have a basilisk? Isn't that one of OUR tanks? Oh, it is.....so why are they using it?"

"I've been assigned to the 13th Legion? Hey, they've got a great reputation.....Wait, isn't that a PENAL Legion?"

Commissar: "Here, take this backpack over to that trench."
Guardsman: "Why, what's it going to do?"
Commissar: "Its a tactical nuclear weapon.....very small yeild."
Guardsman: "Ok, how's it work?"
Commissar: "You pull this string, and run. You'll have about five seconds."
Guardsman: "Five seconds. And how am I supposed to get away?"
Commissar: "You're not!"

"Ten hut, men i have two comments. One I am being promoted so i will nolonger command you past today in two hours. Two your being shipped out to The Eye in one hour and forty five minutes"

"hmm tyranids seem weak we dont even need our guns grab your nives boys!"

(from sergeant to captain, through comm-link)
"Sir, the Grey Knights have just run past us screaming. Awaiting orders."

(From Chimera Driver)
"Hey y'all, hold my beer and watch this!"

"Cmon guys, that big thing over there with claws is NOTHING, we can take him!!"

"were in a hellhound? sounds cool..."

*sees a Wraithlord for the first time and grabs combat knife* "You think you're tough!?"

What's the difference between a Bolter and a Lasgun?
Bolters need safety catches, lasgun's don't.

Three commanders are lined up and arguing who has the braves troops in a hanger. A Blood Angel commander, a Imperial Guard Commander and a Sister of Battle Canoness. The Sister of Battle orders one of her troops to jump out the air lock. She dose without hesitation. The Blood Angle Comander orders one of his troops to do the same. The Blood Angle roars and runs out the air lock screeming. The Imperial Guard Commander orders one of his own to do the same. The trooper replys, "SIR, NO SIR!" The Imperial Guard comander turns to to the others and says, "Now THAT is courage."

(sorry in advance for any spelling errors)
Originally Posted by Freddie Hope
Better question: If a tree falls in the forest and there is no-one there to hear it, who stole all the squirrels?
May you rest in peace, Freddie Hope.
Originally Posted by Tom Norman
I hate kids.
More normaler that you'se!
Thanks to Wargamer and JD for the sigs
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Old 13 May 2006, 20:21   #3 (permalink)
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Default Re: Jokes

I want to make it clear now that NO ONE is allowed to use the black and white space marine on the red and white bike joke....

No love, it's GREAT Britain....the clue's in the name

Thanx to Kais for the sig
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Old 13 May 2006, 21:03   #4 (permalink)
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Default Re: Jokes

Originally Posted by Kangaroo Joe - Or KJ
I want to make it clear now that NO ONE is allowed to use the black and white space marine on the red and white bike joke....
I read it this one time, and at the end of it, I went: ...Aaaargh! (annoyance). :P

Guardsman 1: "Hey! Nice plasmarifle. Does it work any good."
Guardsman 2: "I'm not too sure, Ive only fired it like five times before."
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Old 14 May 2006, 00:54   #5 (permalink)
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Default Re: Jokes

The (quite many) commandments of a loyal Space Marine

1. Thou shalt not refer to the Adeptus Soritas as "Bolter Bitches," nor shalt thou go anywhere near our sisters during the time of their "Red Rage," lest thou wishes to be the first human to enter orbit without the aid of a shuttle.
2. Thou shalt not comment on the odd shape of the Inquisitor's head.
3. Thou shalt not do "wheelies" or "donuts" on you bike.
4. Thou shalt not have a "kegger" on the eve of battle, thus making yourselves less effective on the morn.
5. Thou shalt not refer to the Almighty Emperor as "The Righteous Dead Dude."
6. Orks are not "cute!"
7. Thou shalt not make jokes about the Imperial Guard's weapons.
8. Thou shalt not refer to the Rhino transports as "pimp wagons," nor shalt thou use the phrase, "If the Rhino be rockin, don't come a knockin."
9. The Chapter Master is not a "drag".
10. Thou shalt not check to see if your bolt pistol is loaded by looking down the barrel!
11. Thou shalt not go on panty raids into Sister Of Battle monasteries.
12. Thou shalt not use thy scope for anything outside of battle. Anyone caught using them to spy out life mates shalt lose privileges.
13. Do not sell thy extra organs on the Black Market.
14. Though it is entertaining, thou shalt not wave a fly swatter near the Tyranid fleets.
15. Thou shalt not use thine chainsword as a backscratcher.
16. Thou shalt not use thine pistol as a q-tip.
17. Thou shalt not attempt to imitate heathen noise marines with "heavy metal" or "death metal" through thine com-speakers.
18. Although tempting, do not attempt to give a Tau a "high-five”.
19. Thou shalt not laugh at how small IG men are.
20. Thou shalt not bend to the will of nerds playing war games, and act upon your own free will.
21. Thou shalt not tap the glass on the Dreadnought.
22. Thou shalt not feed the Orks.
23. Thou shalt not transmit images of unclothed Sisters through the Astropaths.
24. Thou shalt not advertise on thine armour.
25. Thou shalt not wave fake skulls at the Berserkers.
26. Thou shalt not wave a red flag near a Chaos Dreadnought.
27. Thou shalt not tape pictures to your armour.
28. Thou shalt not release spiders inside the dreadnought.
29. Thou shalt not use they bolter to kill bees.
30. Thou shalt not sniff warp fumes.
31. Thou shalt eat thou rations.
32. Thou shalt not steal thy commander’s dinner.
33. Thou shalt not take the Predator for a walk.
34. Thou shalt not use the land raider to pick up chicks.
35. Thou shalt beware of strange noise in back of thy land raider.
36. Thou shalt guard thy bolter when camping with Imperial Guard.
37. Thou shalt not use bug bomb against the nids.
38. Thou shalt not play Internet games with Tzeentch.
39. Thou shalt not e-mail the emperor.
40. Thou shalt not e-mail the Emperor spam.
41. Thou should beware of thy Lictor behind cardboard bushes.
42. Terminators and glue do not mix.
43. Thou shalt not spray paint armour to make it look cool.
44. Thou shalt not have water gun fights with lasguns. (the guard needs them)
45. Thou shalt not juggle power weapons.
46. Thou shalt not hide video links in the Sisters of Battle's monastery.
47. Grenades are not water balloons.
48. Thou shalt not use insect repellent against Tyranids.
49. Thou shalt not use waterguns against Necron.
50. Thou shalt not piss on the Iron Halo.
51. Daemons are not your friends.
52. Barney the Dinosaur is not your friend.
53. Barney is a heretic.
54. Barney merchandise are simply prohibited.
55. Barney is not a Tyranid
56. Digimon are not in the 40K universe. Really.
57. Digimon are not affiliated with the Necron.
58. Pokemon are not Digimon!
59. Pokemon are not fun to play with.
60. Thou shalt not steal candy from babies/orks/gretchin/Commissars.
61. Don’t play “Truth or Dare” with Sisters.
62. Don’t play “Spin the Bottle” with Sisters.
63. Don’t play “Hangman” with the Inquisitor or Berserker.
64. Thou shalt ignore strange voices in your head.
65. Thou shalt not put a cork in the Inquisitors pistol.
66. Thou shalt not use the Lasgun as a flashlight.
67. Thou shalt not hide the Land Raider in a lake.
68. The Land Raider is not a hotel room!
69. Spiking the beer is forbidden.
70. Shotguns are not practice guns.
71. Lasguns don’t make cool disco lights for your party.
72. Pixie wings are not jump packs.
73. Thou shalt no replace the Librarians staff with a "Magician’s Wand”
74. Thy shalt not tip the Terminators over during battle.
75. Thou shalt not attempt to kill Tyranids with Mortein.
76. Thou shalt not do it to @#%$.
77. Thou shalt not do it to Nurgle (who would?)
78. Thou shalt not refer to Lasguns as torches.
79. Guard will not be referred to as 'spotlighters'
80. ‘Murder in the dark’ is prohibited when Chaos forces are captured.
81. Thou shalt not make fun of Chaos’ rusty Power Armour. (We need someone decent to fight with)
82. Thou shalt not do Spock impersonations around Eldar.
83. Don’t give ‘Fairy wings to Eldar’
84. Thou shalt not make liposuction jokes around Eldar.
85. Thou shalt not return books late.
86. Thou shalt not trade thine bike for a skateboard.
87. Thou shalt not ignore the Chaplain as he recites the tales of Spot the Dog.
88. Putting corks into the engines of a Landspeeder is not funny.
89. C-3P0 is not a Necron ambassador.
90. Darth Vader isn’t the son of Abaddon.
91. Thou shalt not stay awake after “lights out” unless expressly ordered.
92. Thou shalt not use the sentinel Powerlifter as a babe-magnet for the sisters.
93. If thou lose thine hand you shalt not nab one of the Imperial Guard.
94. Thou shalt not waterfight with civilians.
95. “It makes a funny noise” is not an excuse for punching Imperial Guardsmen.
96. “He started it” is not an excuse for punching Imperial Guardsmen.
97. Thou shalt not get a Sister intoxicated for thy own pleasures.
98. Thou shalt not play monster with Orks.
99. Thou shalt not taunt a Dreadnaught within reach of his foot by calling him "The Tin Man" from “Wizard of Oz”.
100. Thou shalt not sexually harass the servitors even if they won’t notice.
101. Thou shalt not have an ice cream Superfantasical Day.
102. Thou's name is not GiX.
103. Thou shalt not smoke/inhale/inject illegal pharmaceuticals into thy holy body even though your advanced physiological structure could probably withstand the effects.
104. Thou shalt not put "Ecstasy" in the punch when Battle Sisters arrive for a formal meeting with the Chapter's Authorities.
105. Thou shalt not practise vampiric tendencies despite your urge to do so.
106. Thou shalt not howl when the Chapter Master bends over. (Full Moon Out Tonight!)
107. You shalt not dare others to eat that squiggly thing.
108. You shalt not comment on being a better shot then the inquisitor.
109. The chaplain is not too preachy.
110. Gambling for grots is not allowed.
111. Your sergeant is not a pugy #######.
112. You shalt not smack the sister’s butt and then wink at her.
113. The lab research Tyranids are not for emergency rations.
114. Thou shalt not take the emperor titan for a spin.
115. Thou shalt not use a flamer to cook a whole cow and leave none for the others.
116. Thou shalt not set fly strips outside your tent in a Tyranid war zone.
117. Thou shalt not wear Lord Commander Dante's Death Mask (or any Death Masks at all for that matter) on Halloween, any other masquerade parties or for fun, when not in battle!
118. Thou shalt not try to see how much a Death Company marine can take (physical and/or psychical)!
119. Thou shalt not put "tags" on the Holy Shrouds and/or Banners or write on it in anyway at all.
120. Rico’s Roughnecks are not real.
121. Thou shalt not over-charge thou bike!
122. Thou shalt not use the over-charged engines for "drag-racing"!
123. Thou shalt not have a Blood-party (as in tea-party) with Mephiston during battle!
124. Thou shalt not play "no blinking" with Mephiston!
125. Thou shalt not give Tycho an Ork for his Birthday (or any day at all for that matter, or speak him about Orks).
126. Thou shalt not release Morriar from his restrainment or tap in his vital liquids!
127. Thou shalt not ask the Sanguinary Priest for something to drink!
128. Thou shalt obey these 10 commandments! (Isn't it hard counting when being a scout?)
129. Thou shalt not use thy Jump Packs to "fry your diner"!
130. Thou shalt not use thy Jump Packs to get “KFC” or “Macca’s”.
131. Thou shalt not kill each other because "thou are the real Sanguinous".
132. Thou shalt not make wounds to resemble the wounds of thou mighty Primarch...the Chaplain paint these on your armour!
133. Thou shalt not "make bunny-ears" with thy fingers behind the Chaplain whilst he gives battle-orders.
134. Thou shalt not indulge in squig eating contests.
135. Thou shalt not fake death in order to get blood from the Sanguinary Priests.
136. Thou shalt keep thou armour on, although thou might think thou are invincible, thou DO need thou armour!
137. Thou shalt not fall asleep whilst the Chaplain is in prayer.
138. Thou shalt not use thy weapons upon thyself, thou still can get hurt.
139. Thou shalt not jump out in front of the Rhino to get into the fight whilst still in motion...wait for orders to disembark!
140. Thou shalt look both ways before crossing the street.
141. Thou shalt not try to "steal" assaults away from battle-brothers....they are allowed some fun too!
142. Thou shalt not use thy multi-meltas to light campfires. (In a similar manner, thou shalt not use the Terminator Captain's chainfist to open tins of baked beans)
143. Thou shalt not make jokes about the Tyranid's mighty One-Eyed monster (eye, pirate matey... guk!).
144. Thou shalt not mistake the Harlequin's Kiss for some fruity clown prank.
145. Thou shalt not light cigarettes near the Hellhounds.
146. Thou shalt not bribe the Inquisitor to bring down Exterminatus on your ex-wife.
147. Genestealers ARE NOT trying to rob you of your denim trousers.
148. Thou shalt not chase thy Gretchen with a fork.
149. Thou shalt not call the firearms of the Imperial Guard “Sega Lock-Ons”.
150. Thou shalt not call the Adeptus Arbites “pigs” or “the filth”.
151. Thou shalt not place buckets of water over the Inquisitors door.
152. Inquisitors are not “Nigel no friends”
153. Thou shalt not use thou's laser sight to blind Imperial Guard.
154. Thou shalt not remove the Imperial Guards power packs from their Lasguns while they are asleep.
155. Thou shalt not play “frisbee” with a Tau Shield Drone.
156. Remember a Primach is for life not for Christmas.
157. Thou shalt not eat toast in your power armour ( I'm not going to hoover the crumbs out of the toes again).
158. Thou shalt not put fridge magnets on thy power armour (Even if you have been to Cornwall).
159. Thou shalt not tune into FM rock on your intercom.
160. Thou shalt not put bananas in the commander's rhino's exhaust pipes.
161. Thou shalt not hang "Pine Fresh" on Moriar (even if he is a bit ripe by now!)
162. Scented Pine Trees hanging off Rear Vision mirrors in favour of the Dice, is now prohibited.
163. Thou shalt not offer to clean the sister's armour whilst they change.
164. Thou shalt not use Power weapons or Chain-weapons to cut your food.
165. Thou shalt remove the batteries from weapons to put in your RC toys.
166. Thou shalt not swap the salt and pepper.
167. Thou shalt not play "I see, I see what you don't see" over the intercom during battles!
Originally Posted by Komrad
By the Holy Beard of the Prophet!
Tau Fanatic is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 14 May 2006, 00:55   #6 (permalink)
Join Date: Dec 2005
Location: Milwaukee, Wisconsin
Posts: 6,336
Default Re: Jokes

168. Thou shalt not "go out to get cigarettes" during prayers!
167. Thou shalt not make remarks about the physical appearance of Sisters.
168. Thou shalt not swap your battle-brothers gun with a waterpistol.
169. Thou shalt not participate in any intoxication (i.e. alcohol) contests with Imperial Guards.
170. Thou shalt not ask a Sister if her armour isn't too small.
171. Thou shalt not ask a Sister about her age.
172. “No” means “No”.
173. Thou shalt not ask a Sister if you might donate some of your own Gene-seed.
174. Thou shalt not make cat-sounds when Sisters argue.
175. Thou shalt refer to Sister Supreme as 'Mistress'.
176. Thou shalt not refer to Ork Dreadnoughts as 'garbage bins'.
177. Thou shalt not make funny noises during a speech/prayer.
178. Thou shalt not "play shooting range" with Gretchen’s.
179. Thou shalt not brag about how many you've killed with a Dark Eldar.
180. Thou shalt not write or "put tags" on vehicles and/or armour.
181. Thou shalt not use Servitors to catch your paper.
182. Thou shalt not play "fetch" with Tyranids using grenades.
183. Thou shalt not yell “catfight!” when Sisters argue.
184. Thou shalt not press the buttons in a demolisher tank.
185. Thou shalt not hum cartoon theme songs when around the Tau (like Smurfs)
186. Thou shalt not refuse the Sisters your chocolate rations, especially during the time of their "Red rage".
187. Thou shalt never refer to the size of a Sisters rear armour.
188. Thou shalt always offer to rub a Sisters feet after battle. I need not explain why.
189. Thou shalt always carry thine universal remote control when facing necrons.
190. Thou shalt never offer to sell your soul to the Dark Eldar for beer money. Not even in jest.
191. Thou shalt never ask a Daemonette for some "handiwork", else though will have to join the Sisters.
192. Thou shalt not remind your commander how many times he has been slain by the badly coloured Tyranid.
193. Thou shalt leave the plasma gun well and truly alone.
194. Thou shalt not play Russian roulette with automatic weapons. It doesn't work (or it does too well, actually).
195. Thou shalt not shave the Space Wolves while they are asleep .
196. Thou shalt not load the dice.
197. Thou shalt not move that extra little inch in movement phase.
198. Thou shalt not fire thy bolter at enemies you can't really see but at a leg sticking out of a building.
199. Thou shalt follow thy rulebook.
200. Thou shalt not make up rules.
201. Thou are not fearless... thou art fearless... ugh anyone got a codex?
202. Thou shalt not laugh at the cultist.
203. Thou shalt beware of bird poo when greater daemon of Tzeentch is around.
204. Thou shalt not throw soap at Nurglings.
205. Thou shalt not use penicilan tipped bolts in your boltgun against Nurglings.
206. Thou shalt not waste thy 15 minutes free time trying to get laid.
207. Thou shalt beware of possesed 2 liter coke bottles.
208. Thou shalt not stare at feet during the battle march.
209. Thou shalt not aim at thy commanders back.
210. Thou shalt watch thy foot steps.
211. Beware of the drunken Leman Russ.
212. Thou shalt not binge drink with the Imperial Guard.
213. Thou shalt not challenge a Daemon Prince to a fist fight.
214. Thou art not unexpendable.
215. Thou shalt look before thou leaps.
216. Thou shalt not bring your sack lunch to battle.
217. Thou shalt not use they bike as a battering ram.
218. Thou shalt beware of potholes and speedbumps.
219. Lord Login is not "Wolfie".
220. Seraphims do not want to join the "Mile High Club".
221. Spiky bits are not meant for hanging laundry on.
222. Ultra scout is not "little boy blue".
223. Never refer to the Cannoness as "big momma".
224. Thou shalt not put “kick me” signs on thou brothers backs.
225. Thou shalt not nail nurglings to the back of the rhino as fuzzy decorations.
226. Thou shalt not put itching powder in a Dreadnought.
227. Thou shalt not wink suggestively at Daemonettes.
228. Thou shalt not use can openers on Ork Dreadnoughts.
229. Thou shalt not replace the commissars' comm-link with a plasma grenade for a laugh.
230. Thou shalt not refer to Armoured companies as agorophobes.
231. Thou shalt not ask techmarines to put mag wheels on your bike.
232. Thou shalt not use a looted Terrorfex for Halloween.
233. Thou shalt not sneak into the rock while the Dark angels are asleep and discover that their secret is that all the high ranking angels wear dresses. Er... oops...
234. Thou shalt not invite babes back to the monastery.
235. Thou shalt not spike drinks with Sanguinius’ blood.
236. Thou shalt not step on Guardsmen and then say that you didn't see them.
237. Thou shalt not refer to Paul Sawyer as "The Great Unclean One".
238. Thou shalt not call a Dark Angel "Jessica Alba".
239. Thou shalt not give a Sister of Battle breast implants.
230. Neither shalt thou ask wether those “guns” are real or not.
231. Thou shalt never say anything about the Squats.
232. Thou shalt not overheat a plasmagun for a college prank.
233. Thou shalt not give the Death Company caffine.
234. Thou shalt not insult a Thousand Son about his penis.
235. Thou shalt not taunt a Space Wolf with a piece of steak.
236. Thou shalt not put a "kick me" sign on the Golden Throne.
237. Thou shalt not poop thy power armor.
238. Thou shalt not make mention of the irony that a Grot blaster is a Lasgun, only the Orks admit it is crappy.
239. Thou shalt not overclock thine pentium and use it as a plasma weapon.
240. Thou shalt not intentionally overheat a plasma weapon and give it to an IG. (Hey thanks mate!... What’s that bleeping sound?... SPLAT)
241. Thou shalt not trip over Tau.
242. Thou shalt not attempt to steal a Tau's weapon "to give to the poor Guardsmen".
243. Thou shalt not moon the Tau in combat. They are good shots.
244. Thou shalt not invoke the wraith of conures. If you are foolish enough to do so, a conure the size of two to four titans shalt decend upon the table and inflict his wraith.
245. Thou shalt not attempt to borrow Tau stealth suits so that you might spy on the sisters in their quarters.
246. Thou shalt not attempt to rebuild a Necron as a washing machine.
247. Thou shalt not laugh at the poorly painted armies. (Haha look at that purple Tau!... Guk!)
248. Thou shalt not play “fetch” with a Kroot flesh-hound using a guardsman.
249. Thou shalt not go big game fishing for Manta Missile Destroyers.
250. Thou shalt not try to change the batteries on a Scarab.
251. Thou shalt not use the Blades of Reason to trim thy fingernails.
252. Thou shalt not feed the warp beasts.
253. Thou shalt not pet the Kroot hounds.
254. Thou shalt not ask the Sisters whether it's dyed or real.
255. Thou shalt not call Old One Eye "Surf and Turf".
256. Thou shalt not moonlight as a security guard if thine armour is red.
257. Thou shalt not use the Hellhound to cook thy rations.
258. Thou shalt not use thy power armours’ vid-link to prank call the Imperial Guard storm troopers.
259. Thou shalt not sneak up on thy commanding officer, and yell "BLOOD FOR THE BLOOD GOD" in his ear.
260. Thy bolter is not to be used to shoot cans off walls.
261. Thou shalt not steal the Land Speeder to "pick up Sisters".
262. The Leman Russ is not a kettle. Do not attempt to use it to make tea. Nor coffee.
263. Thou shalt not attempt to empty your waste-paper basket into an Ork Dreadnought.
264. Thou shalt not refer to the Rhino as a "Clown Car", althought thy might think it is.
265. When throwing they holiest of His grenades always count to three, yes three, not one, for it is not the holiest of numbers, or two, for the holiness of two pales in comparison, but three, yes three, not one or two, unless thou shalt be proceeding to three.
266. Thou shalt not refer to the Machine Spirit as "Cruise Control".
267. Thou shalt not use blind grenades to sneak into the Sister's encampment.
268. Thou shalt not mention the name "Buffy" when near the Blood Angels.
269. Thou shalt not use Necron Scarabs as "Boogie Boards".
270. Thou shalt not call Harlequins “psychadelic” nor “groovy”
271. Thou Shalt never show an army of orks more than two Harlequins at once.
272. Thou shalt never laugh at the laughing god.
273. Thou shalt never play “Hide and Seek” with Librarians or Inquisitors.
274. Thou shalt not play “tag” with Gaunts.
275. Thou shalt never tie power armour laces together.
276. Thou shalt never say "Resistance is futile" to the Adeptus Mechanicus.
277. Thou shalt never criticize the “paper boys” in the Adeptus Administratum.
278. Thou shalt not sell chapter property (e.g. battlebarge, fortress monestary) on eBay.
279. Thou shalt not put a cork in thine battle brothers waste disposal outlet tube (WDOT). 280. Thou shoult not "entertain" The Adeptus Sororitas in your billet.
281. Thou shalt not refer to Imperial Guardsmen as "Cannon fodder".
282. The Imperial Guard Colonel did not visit a fancy-dress shop.
283. The lasgun is not to be used to carve your name into the Land Raider's/ Predator's/ Rhino's/ Razorbacks/ Leman Russ's/ Titan's armour plating. (It won’t work anyway)
284. Thou shalt not lend Imperial Guardsmen your power armour or swap places for a day with Guardsmen.
285. Thou shalt not try to perform brain surgery wearing power armour.
286. Thou shalt not assume that because you can take a bolter hit in the head, the Guardsman over there can too.
287. Thou shalt not use Tau shoulder pads as padding in games of cricket.
288. Thou shalt not hide the keys to the battle barge.
289. Thou shalt not call Ork Dreadnoughts/Killer Kans "R2-D2's big brother".
290. Thou shalt not threaten thy enemy with a "plasma enema" and thou shalt not carry out the act.
291. Thou shalt not flirt with the Banshee. They are the enemy.
292. Thou can not date a Dark Eldar Wych. They are the enemy too.
292. Thou shalt not steal the Battle Sisters makeup.
293. Thou shalt not try on the Battle Sisters armour to see if it compares to your own.
294. Thou shalt not make fun of Warp Spiders guns.
295. Thou shalt not take the Land Raider for a joy ride.
296. Thou shalt not perform dare devil stunts in the Rhino. Especially if thine bretheren are in the back.
297. Thou shalt not hijack the Battle Sisters Immolator. Especially if there are any Battle Sisters still on board!
298. Thou shalt not add bits to thine armour to try to pass thineself off as a Battle Sister.
299. Thou shalt not try to dance with a Banshee on the field of battle.
300. Thou shalt not throw sticks for the Space Wolves.
301. Thou shalt not play “fetch” with the Space Wolf Commanders “pet” Fenrisson Wolves.
302. Thou shalt not keep a Tyranid as a pet.
303. Thou shalt not challenge a Carnifex to a game of “catch”.
304. Thou can not tie a Wraithlords laces together (they don't have any).
305. Thou shalt not call a Battle Sister “babe”.
306. Thou shalt not be envious of the IG unit who art friends to the Sister Famulous!
307. Thou shalt not steal the Tau pulserifles, even if they are better than bolters.
308. Thou shalt not stick “Honk if you think I'm sexy” on the Sisters Rhino.
309. Thou shalt not honk if thy sees a sticker saying “Honk if you think I'm sexy” on a Sister's Rhino.
310. Thou shalt not ask thy battle sister if they would like to slip into something more comfortable.
311. The hellhound is not somthing you put on a leash and take for "walkies".
312. Thou shalt not armwrestle with Tactical Dreadnoughts.
313. Thou shalt not watch whilst the battle sisters change out of their power armour.
314. Ork Warbosses are not toys, you can not try to pull thier arms off and jump up and down on them.
315. Dont kick Grots.
316. Thou Shalt not slice three toes off each foot of the Tau and see how well they walk.
317. Thou shalt not relieve thy self behind a tree during battle.
318. Thou shalt not go to thy great emporer and make him "perform an illegal operation and be shut down".
319. Thou shalt not wrestle thy battle sisters and try to "pin them down".
320. An Iron Halo is not a toy.
321. A tank is not a toy.
322. A Dreadnought is not a toy.
323. Thou shalt not jump on the back of a Dreadnought in battle and see how long you can stay on.
324. Thou shalt not play toy soldiers with the Guardsmen.
325. The Space Hulk is not a wrestler.
326. Spiky bitz are not 'cool'.
327. Khorne is a Chaos God not a food.
328. Thou shalt not use power claws as scissors.
329. Thou shalt not use power armour power points to plug in thy gameboy.
330. Thou shalt not use hellions skyboards to impress the sisters.
331. Thou shalt not place a flashing light on top of the rhino so that it is easier to find in the car park.
332. if showing a tau how your boltgun works you will not give it to him the wrong way round.
333. A Necron is not a Mecano kit
334. Nurglings are not over date

Sorry about the double post...
Originally Posted by Komrad
By the Holy Beard of the Prophet!
Tau Fanatic is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 14 May 2006, 02:50   #7 (permalink)
Join Date: Oct 2004
Location: USA
Posts: 1,891
Default Re: Jokes

modify your posts please dont double post

Quote from: The Hawk on Today at 08:06:41 PM
Wow cheeseman you are the best TO member by far!!
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Old 14 May 2006, 02:55   #8 (permalink)
Join Date: May 2006
Location: Richmond VA
Posts: 467
Default Re: Jokes

He probably ran out of post room in the other one. You can only have so many in each one.

Some of them weren't really funny, but many of them were hilarious...
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Old 14 May 2006, 05:12   #9 (permalink)
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Default Re: Jokes

I ran out of room (about 22,000 characters)
To annoy thine opponent:
50 Ways to Annoy your Opponent

1. Bring a hand puppet. Question it constantly as to what is the best course of action.
2. Bring a small model coffin with undertakers. Everytime a model dies, escort it off the battlefield and give it model funeral. Remember to hum the funeral theme tune.
3. Bring a falsified rulebook ( hours of fun ).
4. Shave your head. Paint your skin green. Wear a nose ring. Grunt a lot.
5. Flip a coin at the start of the game. After observing the outcome, claim that you have won the game. Look upset if your opponent denies this. Sulk.
6. Bring 20 printed pages of notes and intellectual-looking glasses. Refuse to let your opponent look at them. Refer to them throughout the game. Speak aloud as you read- "he's gone there, so contingency plan 8a means that I should..."
7. Insist opponent rolls all your dice for you. Complain and insult your opponent if you get any bad rolls.
8. Before the game, do a little dance and motion to the gods. Curse your opponent dramatically.
9. Arrive before your opponent. Set up your army and then take the other side of the table. Act as if you are expecting to play with your opponent's army.
10. Add a spring loading system to your cannon. Bring lots of ball bearings.
11. Bring a plastic kid's sword and 'challenge' your opponent. If he refuses, claim you have won the game through his forfeit.
12. Play dead if your general dies.
13. Bring a Land-raider model from 40K. Leave it sitting conspicuously on your side of the table. Make cryptic references to the power of laser cannon in WHFB.
14. Complain that you don't think you can trust your hero.
15. Act as if you are a sports commentator. Commentate on the game. Incessantly.
16. Ask politely if your opponent wouldn't kill your general. Explain that its his birthday.
17. Bring a smoke machine. Insist on recreating the "fog of war".
18. Sacrifice a goblin to Mork before the game. Saw off its head with a craft knife.
19. Arrange models in a diorama in the middle of the battle. Take photos for a "battle report."
20. Sharpen your goblins' spears before the game with a craft knife. Grin widely.
21. Cackle diabolically. "The World is mine! Nothing can stop me now!"
22. State before the game that you are playing for the title of the champion of the universe.
23. Feel the personal loss of every soldier. "Alas, poor Yorrick, I knew him well."
24. Lament the woes of war loudly. Faint when a model dies.
25. Add sound FX. Kaboom!
26. Ask if you can have TV rights to the game.
27. Just to surprise your opponent, agree amicably with and compliment your opponent!
28. Declare that you are opposed to the senseless destruction of our forests. Refuse to let him kill your treemen. Refuse to let him move through woods.
29. Insist on a lunch break for your troops. Bring a model Mr. Whippy Van.
30. Explain that you are a pacifist. Call off the game immediately.
31. Order your miniatures in your best Sergeant-Major voice. "Quick march, on the double- hut!"
32. Ask if your opponent is opposed to nuclear warfare. Carry a small spherical device. Give no other reasons.
33. Wear a crown. Say that you are the "Lord of the Galaxy". Get a horde of admirers to cheer you on.
34. Bring a stuffed, shaved poodle. Say it is your mascot.
35. Grow a Hitler moustache and wear a swastika. 'Discipline' your troops if they fail to salute you.
36. Cheer on your miniatures.
37. Hide under the table at the start of the game. Make your opponent drag you out. Speak in a nervous whisper. Confide in him that you are scared of his troops.
38. Leave a false army list lying around. Snatch it back angrily if your opponent starts to read it, but leave it visible.
39. Pull out an ace surreptitiously ( but obviously ) from your sleeve during the magic phase. Look pleased. Try to play it.
40. Keep a deck of Magic the Gathering cards handy. When you are told it is "the magic phase" bring out the cards and start to shuffle them. Ask if he wants to cut your deck.
41. Speak in Skaven. Neek- Neek!
42. Tell him you've brought weighted dice. Complain about the uselessness of modern technology when you start to roll ones.
43. Bring a lamp. Rub it and make three wishes before the game. Look at your opponent accusingly if they don't immediately come true. Ask him if he's used it.
44. Ask what year it is. Ask where you are. Ask what game you are going to play. If he says warhammer, bring out an antique mallet and hit him with it. Smile a corny grin.
45. Make references to a spy/traitor in his army.
46. Don't place your wizard on the board at the start of the game. At the end of your deployment, use a small explosive device to create a smoke screen and place down the wizard behind it while you yell, "poof!". When the smoke dissipates, say, "Tadaa!"
47. Have a history written for every trooper. Start a family feud.
48. Poor cheese sauce all over your opponent's army. Complain that it is cheesy.
49. Come with an army painted completely flora purple. Wear dark glasses.
50. Attempt to bribe your opponent's characters. Turn away quickly if your opponent looks at you questioningly. Deny everything.
Originally Posted by Komrad
By the Holy Beard of the Prophet!
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Old 14 May 2006, 05:18   #10 (permalink)
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Posts: 467
Default Re: Jokes

haha, I like those one's. Almost all of those are funny!

Where are you getting these or are you making them up?
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