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Imperial Guard jokes
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Old 19 Dec 2005, 17:17   #1 (permalink)
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Default Imperial Guard jokes

Post your IG jokes!

Two guardsman are yomping off to war when one says to the other:

"Hey sarge, this lasgun is heavy. I wish we had something lighter."

The Sarge, being a grizzled veteran of many wars, let's the man in on a secret:

"You could kill grots just by pointing your finger at them and shouting: ABANG ABANG ABANG! Because the grots know that when they hear that they are gonna die and so fall over dead to save themselves the bother."


"You must be joking Sarge," - the soldier replies and thinks nothing more of it.

War comes. The guardsman runs out of ammo.

In desperation he points his finger and shapes it like a gun. Feeling rather stupid, he shouts ABANG ABANG ABANG! And to his surprise he sees whole squads of gretchin die.

He proceeds to slaughter all of the gretchin horde with the exception of one grot that is charging straight towards him.

He shouts ABANG ABANG ABANG! but nothing happens.

Rather confused he shouts louder ABANG ABANG ABANG!

The next thing the guardsman remembers is being smashed flat by some awesome force, every bone in his body is crushed.

The last thing he remembers is a small high pitched grotty voice squeeling:

ATANK ATANK ATANK! ATANK ATANK ATANK!
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Old 19 Dec 2005, 19:13   #2 (permalink)
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Default Re: Imperial Guard jokes

We march we fight we die da da da da.

How many men should we send to armageden? How many do you want to sacrifice? 500000000000000000000000000 sounds a bit low how bout 500000088888888888880000000000 sure that should make a lot of blood in the name of khorne.
Quote by IG commander of all.
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Old 19 Dec 2005, 21:28   #3 (permalink)
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Default Re: Imperial Guard jokes

It's not much of a joke but I remember a quote were a commissar ordered an entire regiment to mount their barnets to charge 4 khornate termies. :P
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Old 19 Dec 2005, 21:34   #4 (permalink)
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Default Re: Imperial Guard jokes

As the newly trained drop trooper, going to Cadia read his primer he read "drop troops are lucky, only 40% get to the battlefield". He asked his sargeant who said "Yeah, thats right." He asked the captan who had the same reply. Then he asked the commissar just as they went over the drop site, he replied "yeah thats true, "as he kicked him out and yelled "You better hope you're among the 40% with a working Grav-shute!"

Spelling fixed becuase funny joke was wrecked by funny spelling- Del
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Old 19 Dec 2005, 21:36   #5 (permalink)
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Default Re: Imperial Guard jokes

I was in a fierce battle once, and as the smok cleared, I could see the odds. It was 4 against a thousand and we slaughtered the four
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Old 19 Dec 2005, 22:18   #6 (permalink)
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Default Re: Imperial Guard jokes

how many guardsmen does it take to change a lightbulb? none, their lasguns work fine.
what do you call IG plasma gunners? fizzbusters.
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Old 20 Dec 2005, 01:47   #7 (permalink)
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Default Re: Imperial Guard jokes

The Oficio Medicae has ordered the retraction of lasguns for medics. Why?

When they were inspecting eyes with them, a power surge caused actual power to be released from the pistol, killing the man. It only happened 3 times, but they retratced them anyways.

They were then issued Chainswords, but they were a little messy when amputating.

What's next? Power Fists? No!

They now carry a flashlight to defend the victim [because Emperor knows the laspistol was worthless].
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Old 20 Dec 2005, 05:45   #8 (permalink)
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Default Re: Imperial Guard jokes

"It was four against a thousand, and we killed all four of the [blaggards]."
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Old 20 Dec 2005, 15:06   #9 (permalink)
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Default Re: Imperial Guard jokes

What do you call a lasgun with a laser sight?






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Old 20 Dec 2005, 21:56   #10 (permalink)
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What's another word for a new recruit?

Casulty.
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My god.... the sarcasm there nearly shorted out my computer screen Nice.
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