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Shovah's Joke Threads
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Old 17 Dec 2005, 19:05   #1 (permalink)
Shas'Vre
 
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Default Shovah's Joke Threads

[glow=blue,2,300]CHILDREN[/glow]

To those of us who have children in our lives, whether they are our own, grandchildren, nieces, nephews, or students... here is something to make you chuckle.

Whenever your children are out of control, you can take comfort from the thought that even God's omnipotence did not extend to His own children.

After creating heaven and earth, God created Adam and Eve.

And the first thing he said was
"DON'T!"

"Don't what?"
Adam replied.

"Don't eat the forbidden fruit."
God said.





"Forbidden fruit?
We have forbidden fruit?
Hey Eve..we have forbidden fruit!"

"No Way!"

"Yes way!"

"Do NOT eat the fruit! "
said God.

"Why?"

"Because I am your Father and I said so! "

God replied,
wondering why He hadn't stopped
creation after making the elephants.

A few minutes later,
God saw His children having an apple break
and He was ticked!

"Didn't I tell you not to eat the fruit? "
God asked.

"Uh huh,"
Adam replied.

"Then why did you? "
said the Father.


"I don't know,"
said Eve.

"She started it! "
Adam said.

"Did not! "

"Did too! "

"DID NOT! "

Having had it with the two of them, God's punishment was that Adam and Eve
should have children of their own.

Thus the pattern was set and it has never changed.


BUT THERE IS REASSURANCE IN THE STORY!

If you have persistently and lovingly tried to give children wisdom and they haven't taken it,
don't be hard on yourself.

If God had trouble raising children, what makes you think it would be a piece of cake for you?

THINGS TO THINK ABOUT!

1. You spend the first two years of their life teaching them to walk and talk. Then you spend the next sixteen telling them to s it down and shut up.

2. Grandchildren are God's reward for not killing your own children.

3. Mothers of teens now know why some animals eat their young.

4. Children seldom misquote you. In fact, they usually repeat word for word what you shouldn't have said.

5. The main purpose of holding children's parties is to remind yourself that there are children more awful than your own.

6. We childproofed our homes, but they are still getting in.

ADVICE FOR THE DAY:
Be nice to your kids.
They will choose your nursing home one day.

AND FINALLY:

IF YOU HAVE A LOT OF TENSION AND YOU GET A HEADACHE,
DO WHAT IT SAYS ON THE ASPIRIN BOTTLE:

"TAKE TWO ASPIRIN" AND "KEEP AWAY FROM CHILDREN"!!!!!


__________________


"... and if machine spirit is not roused, the Lithany of Profanity should be spoken, followed by ritual striking of machine with one's fist. After which, depress the red rune again."

[taken from Adeptus Mechanicus manual]
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Old 17 Dec 2005, 19:54   #2 (permalink)
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Default Re: Children

HAHAHAHA ;D,
awww man my parents are laughing so hard right now,

seriously though,this is a steryotype the only teens i know like this are anoying people and shall be for the rest of there life,

in conclusion
hhaaahahahaha nursing home *rolls on floor*
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Old 17 Dec 2005, 22:14   #3 (permalink)
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Default Shovah's Joke Threads

The photos below are from the ExxonMobile compound in Luanda - Angola, Africa. You will notice from the insulators in the first photo this is an electrified fence. I do not think you will wonder why they need an electric fence.








__________________


"... and if machine spirit is not roused, the Lithany of Profanity should be spoken, followed by ritual striking of machine with one's fist. After which, depress the red rune again."

[taken from Adeptus Mechanicus manual]
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Old 17 Dec 2005, 22:20   #4 (permalink)
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Default Big Gator!

This crocodile was on the beach in front of the Petroleum club, Plage Sportive



In Pointe Noire, Republic of the Congo. 21 FT long, 4,500 lbs, around 80 years old minimum.

Specialists said that he was looking to eat humans because he was too old to catch animals. For the past few months in some villages close to Pointe Noire people were complaining that some people in their villages have been disappearing, and it could well be this crocodile that's responsible. This crocodile was killed by the army last Sunday at 3:00 pm, currently he is in the freezer at the Azur hotel. The contents of it's stomach will be analyzed this Friday at 2:30pm.
__________________


"... and if machine spirit is not roused, the Lithany of Profanity should be spoken, followed by ritual striking of machine with one's fist. After which, depress the red rune again."

[taken from Adeptus Mechanicus manual]
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Old 17 Dec 2005, 22:25   #5 (permalink)
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Default Shovah's Joke Threads

__________________


"... and if machine spirit is not roused, the Lithany of Profanity should be spoken, followed by ritual striking of machine with one's fist. After which, depress the red rune again."

[taken from Adeptus Mechanicus manual]
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Old 17 Dec 2005, 22:26   #6 (permalink)
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Default Re: Warning!

That is such a great sign! I have seen it before in a few stores, I once saw a little kid buy one.

Good find Shovah!
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Old 17 Dec 2005, 22:28   #7 (permalink)
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Default Re: Warning!

That's got to be American...
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Old 17 Dec 2005, 22:31   #8 (permalink)
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Default A360 Mods

Boeing is in serious trouble now!!





__________________


"... and if machine spirit is not roused, the Lithany of Profanity should be spoken, followed by ritual striking of machine with one's fist. After which, depress the red rune again."

[taken from Adeptus Mechanicus manual]
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Old 17 Dec 2005, 22:37   #9 (permalink)
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Default Darwin Awards 2005

Darwin Awards ....2005

Yes, it's that magical time of the year again when the Darwin Awards
are bestowed, honoring the least evolved among us. Here then, are the
glorious winners:



1. When his 38-caliber revolver failed to fire at his intended victim
during a hold-up in Long Beach, California, would-be robber James Elliot
did something that can only inspire wonder. He peered down the barrel
and tried the trigger again. This time it worked.....



And now, the honorable mentions:
2. The chef at a hotel in Switzerland lost a finger in a meat-cutting machine and, after a little
hopping around, submitted a claim to his insurance company. The
company expecting negligence sent out one of its men to have a look for
himself. He tried the machine and lost a finger. The chef's claim was
approved.


3. A man who shoveled snow for an hour to clear a space for his car
during a blizzard in Chicago returned with his vehicle to find a woman
had taken the space. Understandably, he shot her.


4. After stopping for drinks at an illegal bar, a Zimbabwean bus
driver found that the 20 mental
patients he was supposed to be transporting from Harare to Bulawayo had
escaped. Not wanting to admit his incompetence, the driver went to a
nearby bus stop and offered everyone waiting there a free ride. He then
delivered the passengers to the mental hospital, telling the staff that
the patients were very excitable and prone to bizarre fantasies. The
deception wasn't discovered for 3 days.



5. An American teenager was in the hospital recovering from serious
head wounds received from an oncoming train. When asked how he received
the injuries, the lad told police that he was simply trying to see how
close he could get his head to a moving train before he was hit.


6. A man walked into a Louisiana Circle-K, put a $20 bill on the
counter, and asked for change. When the clerk opened the cash drawer,
the man pulled a gun and asked for all the cash in the register, which
the clerk promptly provided. The man took the cash from the clerk and
fled, leaving the $20 bill on the counter. The total amount of cash he
got from the drawer...$15.
(If someone points a gun at you and gives you money, is a crime
committed?)


7. Seems an Arkansas guy wanted some beer pretty badly. He decide that he'd just throw a cinderblock through a liquor store window, grab some booze, and run. So he lifted the cinderblock and heaved it over
his head at the window. The cinderblock bounced back and hit the
would-be thief on the head, knocking him unconscious. The liquor store
window was made of Plexiglas. The whole event was caught on videotape.


8. As a female shopper exited a New York convenience store, a man
grabbed her purse and ran. The clerk called 911 immediately, and the
woman was able to give them a detailed description of the snatcher.
Within minutes, the police apprehended the snatcher. They put him in
the car and drove back to the store. The thief was then taken out of
the car and told to stand there for a positive ID. To which he replied,
"Yes, officer, that's her. That's the lady I stole the purse from."


9. The Ann Arbor News crime column reported that a man walked into a
Burger King in Ypsilanti, Michigan, at 5 a.m., flashed a gun, and
demanded cash. The clerk turned him down because he said he couldn't
open the cash register without a food order. When the man ordered onion
rings, the clerk said they weren't available for breakfast. The man,
frustrated, walked away.



A 5-STAR STUPIDITY AWARD WINNER!

10. When a man attempted to siphon gasoline from a motor home parked
on a Seattle street, he got much more than he bargained for. Police
arrived at the scene to find a very sick man curled up next to a motor
home near spilled sewage. A police spokesman said that the man admitted
to trying to steal gasoline and plugged his siphon hose into the motor
home's sewage tank by mistake. The owner of the vehicle declined to
press charges, saying that it was the best laugh he'd ever had.
__________________


"... and if machine spirit is not roused, the Lithany of Profanity should be spoken, followed by ritual striking of machine with one's fist. After which, depress the red rune again."

[taken from Adeptus Mechanicus manual]
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Old 17 Dec 2005, 23:01   #10 (permalink)
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Default Re: Snake in the Fence

Oh my god that thing is beautiful!
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No love, it's GREAT Britain....the clue's in the name

Thanx to Kais for the sig
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