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Del's random storybin
Old 18 Nov 2005, 14:58   #1 (permalink)
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Default Del's random storybin

This is going to be a place where I dump random silly stories that don't qualifiy as stories... first up, one reminscient of 40k versus pokemon

Word of warning, if you like Pokemon, Buffy, Sailor Moon, Sephiroh, Kingdom Hearts, Digimon, or this set of "fanfics", you won't like this set of "fanfics". In response to the various fanfics on the web that see people who hate something randomly slaughter it without plot, cause, reason or grammar, I've drawn the irony straw...

Alexandrian Recon & Silent Elimination: All Battles Of Unusual Tediousness
Part One: Gratuitous Violence.

Working Title: Pokemon Cap.

Foreword by Professor David G. Mactavish, University of Feegi Park, BsC, PhD, BbC, FbI, Mi5
A.R&S.E A.B.O.U.T...

It's name has become synonymous with suffering, pain, and extremely unnecessary and gory violence, much like the Labour Party.

This elite team was set up by King Zidane Tribal the 1st to combat, what he perceived, as extreme violations of series continuity, to the extent that their mere existence sometimes affected the quality of life in Alexandria.

This basically meant they would go after crossovers and ideas he did not like, such as very bad Fanfics. Within the first week of operation, over 800 bad FF9 fics had been eliminated.

However, after a disastrous shootout in a waxworks against characters from an FF8/FF7 crossover, most of the team were wiped out. Zidane, unperturbed and firing the survivors, simply decided to use Black Mages.

Their baptism of fire was to interrupt an episode of a poorly written 24 fanfic written pre-series 3 to tell Jack Bauer where the bomb was, and also tell him a few other series spoilers, and also giving him a key trick to surviving things...

'No matter what really happens, just scream "It hit the vest!" and everything is cool!'

The events of that were dropped quietly after it emerged it wasn't a fanfic but the game.

The first real mission of this eight (ten, if you count their temporaries for when they need extra men , two extras who will now undergo Chuck Cunningham Syndrome until we really need them) strong band of evil little blaggards was Operation Ross Kemp. It was a fairly simple mission: track down and eliminate a target, designated Loser-One, and his allies. In addition, local law enforcement were deemed expendable. Luckily, they were in the middle of a forest when it happened

Or, to put it another way, they were going into the Pokemon universe armed to the teeth and were going to slot the idiot with the baseball cap and his cronies.

However, a counter-unit had been established soon beforehand, known as SMEGMA. Squall Leonhart, commander of SeeD and whiny bitch, unhappy that FF8's fan base being 55% stupid on average resulting in FF8's characters routinely being targeted by AR&SE ABOUT. He took his best mercenaries, by his reckoning, and had them ambush Vivi Ornitier outside his house.

Vivi killed two by accident, and the rest killed, maimed, or seriously injured themselves attempting to actually ambush Vivi, when in fact they had managed to ambush themselves.

What relevance does this have? None. None at all.

On with the story.

Emerald Isle
A Black Mage corporal holding a G36 looked with some surprise at the Garda car. The Policeman seemed a bit surprised at the appearance of four armed black-clad soldiers with glowing eyes, then checked the calendar which was inexplicably hanging up in his car. He then returned to reading his paper.

Sergeant Vincent Watchman walked over to the car, and tapped the window. The officer looked up.

'We're lost, aren't we?'

'Too right,' the Irishman replied.

They left, annoyed that proper research had not been done into this episode and hoping it got better in future...

A bush near the car walked across the road, and waved a branch at a house. The policeman glanced up, and only saw a long, black-haired man wearing what resembled grey robes running away. The bush had disappeared in a continuity error. The house burst into flames for no apparent reason.

'Well, that was random,' he simply said, and went back to his paper as a burning man ran out from the wreckage. The black-haired man returned and waved a small stick at the man, who dropped dead. The policeman, slightly annoyed now, got out of his car and walked over to the man with the stick.

'Okay, mate, I need your name and address I'm afraid. I just saw you wave that stick at the man before he died. I have reason to believe...'

'You don't want my name and address, you want to let me go.'

'You aren't a Jedi. Who are you?'

'...I either have to kill you or tell you my name, don’t I?'


'You wouldn't happen to have ever starred in any crossover fictions?'

'Well, let's just say I got rather drunk one night and...'

'No, fictions, not fornications.'

'Oh, right, er... No, no, I don't even know what the hell you are talking about.'

'...So you are still governed by the fourth wall? Unlike Irvine, there,' the man said, pointing at the burning corpse.

'Um... Look, this is getting very confusing so if I just claim the Army Rangers did it and he was a republican terrorist called Belinda or something will you just go away?'

The man nodded, and left.

Ireland: It's mental.

Actual target destination
'And after all that effort, we'll probably not even have much fun...' grumbled Edward "Psycho" Hoffman, the team's resident lunatic, and the one with the M249

'Eddie, shut it,' said another Black Mage, the corporal.

'Look, Vivi, you know it, Sarge knows it, and Ziddy knows it. We wasted most of the story faffing about in Ireland!' Eddie said.

'Private Hoffman, you are to recall what our mission is before you ever say things like that again!" said Sarge angrily.

'Yeah, you berk, Ed,' said the last black mage, by default Ziddy, actually Zidane "Sane(ish)" Hoffman, the team's techhead.

'Heads up, targets at six o' clock!' Vivi said, and then quickly added:

'And Eddie, it wasn't funny the first thirty times, it's not going to get funny now.'

'Amber and Sue think it's funny...' Eddie griped

'Yes, but they're female,' Ziddy replied

'Um, guys, I said...'

'Matt thinks it's funny. Thelma doesn't,' Eddie seemingly countered.

'Look, where the hell is this going?' Watchman asked


'Vague way to imply Matt's having a foursome with the three girls in the squad sir.'


'Really bloody bored, sir.'


'Oh, right, sorry corporal. Er, I do note they appear to be looking right at us...'

'Are they, sir? Why do you suppose that is?'

'Because you shouted,' Ziddy said under his breath.

The three humans, one who seemed to have his eyes shut, one wearing a silly baseball cap, and one a red-haired female, looked at the four black mages with some confusion. The small yellow rat creature looked at them and said, 'Pika?'

The four mages stared awkwardly and silence fell upon the area for a short while.

'...Ah sod it, slot the blaggards,' Watchman said, and the three mages duly did so in a hail of gunfire, most of it from Eddie.

'Um... Eddie... I think the rat is dead. You don't need to empty the whole belt into it...' Vivi shouted above the gunfire. Edide paused

'Yes I do. Didn't you read the mission briefing my little brother wrote?' Eddie replied, then started firing

'I wrote a mission briefing? When?' Ziddy said loudly. Eddie paused again.

'The one where you said these creatures seem to be able to be burnt, bashed, shocked, and generally survive lethal injury with barely a scratch!'

'I think you made that up, mate, sorry,' said Zidane. Eddie shrugged and opened fire again. He stopped

'Right, okay, since Private Hoffman seems to be finished...' Eddie fired again '...well, when Ed is finished, we'll go home. Done yet Ed?' Asked Watchman, answered with more gunfire.

Eddie put the automatic weapon down

'Good, now let's...' Eddie had drawn his pistol and was firing into the Swiss-cheese like corpse.

When he had run out, the squad stared at him.

'Quite finished, Ed?' Vincent asked, 'Sure you don't want my G36 to use on it?'

'Ooh, thanks sarge!' Eddie said, taking the rifle, and firing again.

'...I don't believe I just did that...'

And so, having basically just crudely dispensed with the cast of Pokémon , the four black mages went home. The man in grey robes watched them...

'Actually, mate, I'm waiting for a bus.'

Oh, sorry. Well, that knackers up the drama of that ending.
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