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Old 06 Oct 2005, 21:34   #1 (permalink)
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Default Jokes!

i asked GORK about this topic and he said i could have a go so here goes

(of course NO OFFENCE is intended to the recipiants of these jokes)

Joke 1

Donald Rumsfeld is giving George Bush his daily briefing and tells him that three brazillion soldiers have been knilled in Iraq.

Bush looks at don and replies "thats absolutely terrible!", is lost for words and holds his head in his hands for several minutes. his staff are amazed at this response, and the whole room stays silent.

finally Bush looks up and says "exactly how many is a brazillion?"

Joke 2

A plane is on its way to melbourne when a blonde in economy class gets up and moves to first class section for no good reason, and sits down. the flight attendant watches her do this and goes over to speak to her. She asks for the blonde's ticket and promptly asks the blonde to return to her criginal seat. the blonde refuses

"I'm a blonde, i'm beautiful, I'm going to Melbourne and i'm staying right here!"

so the flight attendant goes and tells the co-pilot about this trouble and convinces him to go and sort out the blonde. the co pilot talks to the blonde and tries to get her to move bacjk to her seat but once again she replies

"I'm a blonde, i'm beautiful, I'm going to Melbourne and i'm staying right here!"

the co pilot goes back into the cocpit and tells the pilot about these events, the pilot turns to him and says

"let me handle this, my ex-wife was a blonde, i speak blonde"

so the pilot goes back to the first class section and whispers in the blonde's ear. she promptly stands up and apologises for her behaviour and goes back to her seat in economy class. as the pilot re enters the cocpit the co pilot is amazed and asks him what he told the blonde

"i told her first class wasn't going to melbourne!"

Joke 3

Late one staurday night a young chap is walking out of a club totally blitzed and freezing cold, into the rainy street. Its a dark night and most of the streetlamops in the area are broken, the silence only broken by the occasional passing car. until suddelnly he hears a noise behind him


startled by this he turns and sees that a box is rounding the corner of the street, coming straight for him. as it gets closer he realises that the box is infact a coffin!
not wanting anything to do with this he turns back around and continues to walk briskly, if a bit shakily, home.


he could feel the coffin gaining on him, so he started to walk faster


the coffin is closing with his every step, he starts to jog and hears the coffin speed up after him


he starts to sprint but the coffin still follows


eventually he reaches his front door and fumbles for his keys, by this time the coffin is coming up his front steps, he finally opens the door, throws himself inside and locks the door behind him. he walks into his living room and sits down in one of the chairs


the coffin comes flying through the living room window, having smashed through the glass,one of its rusty hinges gives way and the door swings forward with a squeak to reveal the creature inside. the chap scrambles to his feet and sprints u[p his stairs to the bathroom and locks himself inside


he hears the coffin following him up the stairs and move toward the bathroom door


the coffin bursts into the bathroom and staggers towards the lad.


the lad reaches for his bathroom cabinet and throws a bar of imperial leather soap at it, still it comes, he throws his can of lynx deoderant at it, still it comes. in a laast ditch attempt to save his hide the lad throws a bottle of benelyn throat syrup at it...

the coffin stops!

i hope that other peole will post their jokes on this topic too so we can all have a laugh!

ps just to remind you that this is all lighthearted fun and no-one is intended to be the victims of the jokes posted here.

cya round ;D
Pessemists are just optimists with more experience

Innocence proves nothing...well most of the time anyway

You're just jealous because the voices are talking to me!

THE guard anthem:
"For the passion, for the glory,
for the memories, for the money,
you're a soldier for your country"
these colours don't run - iron maiden.
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Old 06 Oct 2005, 22:02   #2 (permalink)
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Location: Ontario, Canada
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Default Re: Jokes!

Three surgeons are arguing about which is the best of them. The first says:
"I'm the best, no two ways about it - a guy came in a few months back, his fingers sliced off on the job by a slice of sheet metal! I sticked him up and a few weeks later he was playing a virtuoso piano concert!

The second disregards this and says:
"Bah, I had a man who lost both legs to a peice of sheet metal a while back? Guess what, I stiched him up and yesterday I watched him run in the Olympics!"

The third just laughs and says:
"Hah, you two are just amatures. There was this crazy cowboy from down south, he rode a horse right into a freight train! All that was left was a horses' arse and a cowboy hat, so I stiched them together and made a U.S. President!
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Old 06 Oct 2005, 22:40   #3 (permalink)
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Default Re: Jokes!

a blonde, a brunette, and a redhead all fall of a clif at the same time in the same spot who will reach the ground last?

the blonde, she will have to stop and ask for directions.
siggy currently under construction...

unfortunatly i made the mistake of hiring constuction workers who are high school dropouts with 5 o clock shadows and generaly only answer to "hey fatty" or "stop urinating on my property or im calling the police!". But they stand around and spit alot so i figure they must be halfway decent construction workers...
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Old 07 Oct 2005, 01:01   #4 (permalink)
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Default Re: Jokes!

Oh man....I've got hundreds of jokes! I just need to figure out which ones I can get away with. OK, I'll give it a try. If any of you mods think any of these might be too raunchy, just let me know and I'll delete the joke.

A man storms into a bar. He is upset at the fact that he just lost a huge amount of money in a divorce settlement. In his anger, he yells out "All lawyers are @$$holes!". One of the patrons quickly rises from his stool and responds "Hey buddy, watch your mouth or I'll put a fist in it!." The irate man realizes that he does not want to get into a fight and begins to apologize. "I'm sorry, sir. I meant no offense. Are you a lawyer?" "No", replies the other man, "I'm an @$$hole!"

Why did the Space Marines Sergeant tattoo his stripes on his penis? So he could pull rank!

What's the difference between an oral and a rectal thermometer? The taste!

What do you call a Roman with hair in his teeth? Gladiator!

How do you know when it's bedtime at the Neverland Ranch? When the big hand touches the little hand!

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Old 07 Oct 2005, 03:27   #5 (permalink)
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Default Re: Jokes!

Those are the LEAST raunchy you have? ...

A priest, a doctor, and an engineer were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers.

Engineer: What's with these guys? We must have been waiting for more than 15 minutes!

Doctor: I don't know but I've never seen such ineptitude!

Priest: Hey, here comes the greenskeeper. Let's have a word with him.

Priest: Hi George. Say George, what's with that group ahead of us? They're rather slow aren't they?

wP>George: Oh yes. That's a group of blind fire fighters. They lost their sight hile saving our club house last year. So we let them play here anytime free of charge!

(the group reflects in silence)

Priest: That's so sad. I think I will say a special prayer for them tonight.

Doctor: Good idea. And I'm going to contact my optomologist buddy and see if there's anything he can do for them.

Engineer: Why can't these guys play at night?

An engineer died and reported to the gates of heaven. An angel, filling in for St. Peter, checked his dossier and grimly said, "Ah, you're an engineer; you're in the wrong place."

So the engineer was cast down to the gates of hell and was let in. Pretty soon, the engineer became gravely dissatisfied with the level of comfort in hell, and began designing and building improvements. After a while, the underworld had air conditioning, flush toilets, and escalators, and the engineer was becoming a pretty popular guy among the demons.

One day, God called Satan up on the telephone and asked with a sneer, "So, how's it going down there in hell?"

Satan laughed and replied, "Hey, things are going great. We've got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and there's no telling what this engineer is going to come up with next."

God's face clouded over and he exploded, "What? You've got an engineer? That's a mistake; he should never have gotten down there; send him up here."

Satan shook his head, "No way. I like having an engineer on the staff, and I'm keeping him."

God was as mad as he had ever been, "This is not the way things are supposed to work and you know it. Send him back up here or I'll sue."

Satan laughed uproariously, "Yeah, right. And just where are YOU going to get a lawyer?"

War is cruelty. There is no use trying to reform it; the crueler it is, the sooner it will be over. - General William Sherman
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Old 07 Oct 2005, 05:51   #6 (permalink)
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Default Re: Jokes!

I could tell you guys some shockers, but i'd get kicked off here so fast...

Kermit the frog walk into a bank. He goes up to the teller and sees her name is Patricia Wack. He says "Hello Ms. Wack, i'd like a loan of 45 hundred pounds please" Ms. Wack looks at him in a funny way and says "For a loan that big I think we'd need some collatoral" Kermit reaches into a pocket and produces a tiny, intricatly carved elephant made of ivory. He says "This'll do" Ms. Wack is unsure and says "I think i'm going to have to call the bank manager over" Kermit tries to convince her otherwise ans says "No its ok my dad is Mick Jagger, see?" Ms. Wack calls the bank manager over anyway and explains what has happened. The Bank manager listens and thinks for a second, then turns to the teller and says "Its a nick knack paddy wack, give the frog a load, his old mans a rolling stone!"

Why do seagulls fly over the sea? Because if they flew over the bay they'd be bagels!
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Old 07 Oct 2005, 07:35   #7 (permalink)
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Default Re: Jokes!

One day, President Bush visited an elementary school. All the kids were so excited to get to meet the President. He began to talk to them and asked them to define the word ''tragedy.''
"Well," one girl replied, "If my mommy ran over my dog, Rover, that would be a tragedy!"

The President smiled at the little girl and said, "No, sweetie. That would be an accident! Can anyone give it a try?"

A little boy sitting across the room raised his hand and said, "I know! I know! If our bus driver ran off of a cliff and killed everyone!"

The President shook his head and said, "No son. That would be a great loss! Doesn't anyone know of a good example of a tragedy?"

A small girl raised her hand and said, "Well, Mr. President, if you and Laura were in Air Force One and it was hit by a missile and blown to smithereens, most people would think that that was a tragedy!"

"Very good," he said. "And what was your reason for that answer?"

"Well," she said, "It would not be an accident and it sure would not be a great loss!"

A priest, a bishop and the church gardener are going fishing.
They take their poles, get in boat, and row to the middle of the lake.
They start fishing, and everything is fine on a sunny day.

Then the Bishop runs out of baits. Of course, rest of his baits are on the shore.
So the bishop bows down his head, crosses his hands, and prays "Oh holy father, watch over me and guide my steps. Amen"
Then he steps of the boat, and walks back to the shore with his feet barely sinking in the water at all. The gardener looks amazed, and the bishop reaches shore, takes more baits, and walks back to the boat.

Bishop continues to fish happily, and gardener is still amazed when the priest runs out of baits. Next the priest bows down his head, crosses his hands, and prays "Oh holy father, watch over me and guide my steps. Amen" Then he steps of the boat, and walks back to the shore with his feet barely sinking in the water at all, just like the bishop. Again, gardener is amazed. The priest reaches shore, getīs his bates, and returns to the boat and proceeds with fishing.

Gardener canīt believe what is happening around him. While turning to look at others,he accidentally drops his bait to lake. Suddenly it hits him: This must be a sign from god! If a bishop and priest can walk on water, why couldnīt he? So he bows his head, crosses his hands, and prays: "Eh, Oh holy father, umm watch over me and guide my steps. Oh, AMEN." He then closes his eyes, takes a deep breath, and steps out of the boat. And sinks in the lake. The bishop turns to priest, and says: "Our brother is strong in his faith, but apparently doesnīt know where the stones are located."

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