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40k Humour
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Old 03 Oct 2005, 15:08   #1 (permalink)
Shas'Vre
 
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Default 40k Humour

Now this usually is a really funny thread that shows up from time 'till time

Post your 40k humour/jokes here, there's usually a good few funny ones

I'll start off with the Space Marines 100 commandments:

The commandments of the Adeptus Astartes

1. Thou shalt not refer to the Adeptus Soritas as "Bolter Bitches," nor shalt thou go anywhere near our sisters during the time of the "Red Rage," lest thou wishes to be the first human to enter orbit without the aid of a shuttle.
2. Orks are not "cute."
3. Thou shalt not make jokes about the Imperial Guard's weapons.
4. Thou shalt not replace the Librarian's staff with a magic wand.
5. Thou shalt not tip the Terminators over during battle.
6. Thou shalt not do Spock impersonations around Eldar.
7. C-3P0 is not a Necron ambassador.
8. You shall not dare others to eat Squigs.
9. No, you cannot "take the Titan for a spin."
10. Thou shalt not use thy Multi-Meltas to light campfires. (In a similar manner, thou shalt not use the Terminator Captain's Chainfist to open tins of baked beans)

11. Thou shalt not bribe the Inquisitor to bring down Exterminatus on your ex-wife.
12. Thou shalt not refer to the Rhino transports as "pimp wagons," nor shalt thou use the phrase, "If the Rhino be rockin, don't come a knockin."
13. The Chapter Master is not a "drag.
14. Thou shall not use Power Swords to cut your food.
15. Thou shall not ask a Sister if you might "donate some of your own Gene-Seed."
16. Thou shall not throw soap at Nurglings.
17. Thou shalt not put a "kick me" sign on the Golden Throne.
18. Thou shalt not refer to the Machine Spirit as "Cruise Control".
19. Thou shalt not stick a 'Honk if you think I'm sexy' sticker on the Sisters' Rhino.
20. Thou shalt not honk if thy sees a sticker saying 'Honk if you think I'm sexy' on a Sister's Rhino.

21. Thou shalt not unplug the Golden Throne just "for laughs".
22. Thou shalt not make the Emperor read your palms, or call upon him as "Miss Cleo".
23. Virus bombs are not fun in a box.
24. Shooting one of your own men who looks at you funny does not count as an "enemy casualty".
25. Thou shalt not clog the Lascannon tubes "just to see what happens".
26. Thou shalt not spread cooking oil in front of a Dreadnought.
27. Thou shalt not attempt to shake the Chaplainís hand whilst wearing a Power Fist.
28. Putting sand inside the Terminatorsí Armour is not "funny".
29. Thou shalt not refer to the Standard of Fortitude as a "walking stick"
30. Thou shalt not refer to the Bolt Pistol as a novelty cigarette lighter.

31. The Earthshaker Cannon is not a "hat stand" nor is the Sentinel a "standard lamp".
32. Thou shalt not use Land Raiders to "play chicken" with Imperial Guard Chimeras.
33. Thou shalt not put a "Purge me!" sign on the back of the Chaplainís armour.
34. Thou shalt not compliment the Dark Eldar by calling them "kinky"
35. Thou shalt not let an Ork be the designated driver
36. Thou shalt not replace the holy unguents for the Machine Spirit with grain alcohol
37. Thou shalt not invite a Banshee to Karaoke
38. Thou shalt not replace the O2 units on the Commanderís Power Armour with laughing gas
39. Thou shalt not train a Hormogaunt to be a watchdog
40. Thou shalt not take "Old One Eye" out of context..."He's in my Artificer Armour he..he..duh!"

41. Thou shalt not call Dark Angels "hippie alter boys"
42. Thou shalt not taunt an Eldar "gee didn't these used to shoot further?"
43. Thou shalt not refer to the Golden Throne as "the nicest commode in the galaxy"
44. Thou shalt not attempt to offer a Carnifex a breath mint.
45. Thou shalt not throw a Warp Beast a dog biscuit.
46. Thou shalt not hope for mud wrestling during a Wych/ Sisters battle.
47. Thou shalt not ask a Warlock what he wears under his robe.
48. Thou shalt not tease an Inquisitor with "look Sir-Heretics!"
49. Thou shalt not play whack-a-mole with those little Jawa-wannabe Dark Angel thingies (tangent).
50.Thou shalt not wear oven mitts when issued a Plasma Gun.

51. Thou shalt not take the Rhino to procure monkish ale before filling out His Most Holy acquisitions forms.
52. Thou shalt not ask the Librarian if he has records concerning Uranus.
53. Thou shalt not refer to the flamer as a "novelty toaster"
54. Thou shalt not ask the Apothecary to guess what you have eaten by looking at your tongue.
55. Thou shalt not remove the motors from a Terminators' Armour during battle.
56. Thou shalt not point and laugh saying 'look somebody missed the toilet when battling Snotlings.
57. Thou shalt not break wind in the presence of the Emperor (unless properly addressed to do so)
58. Eldar helmets may not be use as hole-punches.
59. Thou shalt not refer to the daily rituals as "psychological warfare" nor shalt thou refer to the Index Astartes as "the book of grudges"
60. Thou shalt not say, "will someone please tell the Emperor to crap or get off the Throne"

61. Thou shalt not petition His Most Holy administration to make "Inquisition" an Olympic sport.
62. Thou shalt not instigate a "my Primarch could beat up your Primarch" debate.
63. Thou shalt not use heavy breathing and "I am your father" as a battle cry when wielding a Power Sword and entering an assault
64. Thou shalt not affect a Transylvanian accent around the Blood Angels.
65. No hair pulling when enjoying brotherly contests with the Space Wolves.
66. Duct-taping a Flamer to your Boltgun does not count as a Combi-weapon, and painting it pretty won't make it "Master Crafted"
67. Thou shalt not punt Grots for pleasure.
68. Thou shalt not shout "Thongs for the Thong God!" in front of the Dark Eldar lest thou wish to learn the true meaning of pain.
69. Thou shalt not debate the protective merits of purple spandex with the Dark Eldar.
70. Thou shalt not write theatre criticism and charge His Most Holy treasury to mail it to the Harlequin.

71. Power armour never makes a Sister look fat.
72. Thou shalt not laugh maniacally when flaming the non-believers.
73. Thou shalt not use Thunder Hammers to play croquet.
74. Thou shalt not start rounds of "you might be a Cítan if" while imbibing strong monkish ale.
75. Though shalt not refer to thine brethren, whom the Emperor has dictated be armed with an incendiary weapon, as a "Flamer" constantly. For this has been proven to lower morale and cause strife within His Most Holy showering facilities.
76. Thou shalt not affect an Austrian accent around the Necrons.
77. Thou shalt not ask Rough Riders if you can pet their ponies.
78. Thou shalt not stray from the Adeptus Mechanicus' directive towards ornamentation of Rhinos; specifically no aluminium sport rims, neon, extraneous exhaust pipes, or fuzzy dice.
79. Thou shall not attempt to challenge the Eldar to games of 'Counter-strike'.
80. Thou shall not, in any way, shape, or form, take the Land Speeder joyriding.

81. Remember; shining Lasguns in the Guardsí eyes is WRONG.
82. Thou shall not pretend to have been possessed by a Daemon.
83. Thou shall not call the sacred Plasma gunners of the Imperial Guard 'fizz busters'.
84. Yes, it will be noticed if you 'borrow' the Chapter Master's equipment.
85. Thou shall not use supported War Hounds to 'play ball' with Imperial Guard Sentinels.
86. It is NOT cool to feed Snotlings copious amounts of narcotics!
87. It is not "funny" to dress up as a Bloodletter and jump out in front of the Chapter Master.
88. Replacing a Brother's ammunition with blanks is not "funny"
89. Wiffle bats are not approved hand weapons.
90. Playing naughty movies in your Power Armourís Autosensors is not sanctioned by the Adeptus Astartes.

91. Thou shalt not teleport into the Sisters showering facilities.
92. Thou shalt not taunt our revered Dreadnought brethren by tapping on their window and saying "anyone in there?"
93. Thou shalt not commandeer Drop Pods to go for pizza.
94. Thou shalt not refer to the Emperorís Champion as "that brown-noser"
95. Nuking from orbit is not doctrinally feasible for removal of annoying insects-unless they be Tyranids.
96. Thou shalt not tickle the Fallen to press for confession and redemption.
97. Thou shalt not follow a Librarian around thinking, "Can you hear me now", repetitively in an attempt to drive him insane.
98. Thou shalt not refer to the Wulfen as "damn dirty apes".
99. Thou shalt not use Whirlwinds to put on fireworks displays.
100. Thou shalt not ask the Dark Angels if they "can keep a secret"

Note: on long posts, such as this, please make space, like I did by adding a little pause between each 10th commandment. It makes it so much easier on the eyes

Have fun

~Olannon
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Old 03 Oct 2005, 15:25   #2 (permalink)
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Default Re: 40k Humour

hmm, you have less than half the commandments there.
Guess it has been a while since the last one but We ahve had threads int he past with 40k humour in them. they usually windup in the off-topic board(enclave) because people try to make up jokes. I think this is about as complete a list of 40k jokes as I ahve seen lacking only the Black and White marine one(Don't post it, please. I do NOT want to have to proof-read the whole thing). Anyhow, enjoy.
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Old 03 Oct 2005, 17:57   #3 (permalink)
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Default Re: 40k Humour

but it ignores the slanneshi lightbulb joke...

how many slanneshi devotees does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
two. just don't ask how they get in there.

a crude, but ultimately hilarious double meaning lies within the heart of the question itself...
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Old 03 Oct 2005, 18:57   #4 (permalink)
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Default Re: 40k Humour

In other words, it's a pun.
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Old 03 Oct 2005, 19:40   #5 (permalink)
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Default Re: 40k Humour

101: Do not mock the conscripts, you all saw what they did to brother captain Ilios. I thought of this yesterday, after my conscripts ate up my friends terminators.
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Old 04 Oct 2005, 02:30   #6 (permalink)
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Default Re: 40k Humour

Quote:
Originally Posted by Spiritbw
hmm, you have less than half the commandments there.* **
Guess it has been a while since the last one but We ahve had threads int he past with 40k humour in them.* they usually windup in the off-topic board(enclave) because people try to make up jokes.* I think this is about as complete a list of 40k jokes as I ahve seen lacking only the Black and White marine one(Don't post it, please.* I do NOT want to have to proof-read the whole thing). Anyhow, enjoy.
yeah.. I never quite got the Black and white space marine joke. I seemed so pointles in the end it made me mad. And proprs to you Spirtbw. most of our previous general 40K Lock gernaded 40K humor to heck whenever they could. I thought it was kind of a loss whenever they did that. That adn Whenver teh Black and whtie space marine Joke was used they yelled at everyone and were like "OH NO YOU DON"T! THAT JOKE WAS BANNED ON 17 HABITABLE PLANETS AND A CERTAIN TAU ONLINE FORUM! ARG! AND THAT IT SHALL BE THAT I USE THy HOLY LOCK GERNADE. AREG!!!"

yeah... pretty funny though

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Old 04 Oct 2005, 06:46   #7 (permalink)
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Default Re: 40k Humour

man, some of those are just too good "wiffle bats are not approved hand weapons"
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Old 04 Oct 2005, 08:24   #8 (permalink)
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Default Re: 40k Humour

A new recruit of Imperial Drop Troops (IDT from now on) is sitting in a cargo plane, reading his IDT manual(similar to infantrymans uplifting primer). He has just finished basic training, and is about to be dropped in a very dangerous combat zone. He´s re-reading the same line over and over in the book.
"Drop Troops have it easy, 60% of recruits never see active service on battlefield."

Considering he´s just out of training, and worried about being immediately sent to battle, he is starting to get nervous. He turns to his buddy on the other side.
"Hey Jones, it says here that 60% of DT:s never see active service in battlefield. That can´t be right, here has to be some mistake, as we are taken to battle immediately after training."
"I don´t know, I asked and they said it´s the correct number. Maybe it´s just a coincidence."

The trooper doesn´t feel any better. Light turns red, signing the approach of the drop zone. Sergeant of the squad moves through the cargo bay. You trooper stops him.
"Sergeant, sir. Sorry to bother you sir, but has there been some mistake. According to this book, 60% of DT:s never see active service in battlefield.And now we are here on our way to combat. I was just thinking if this is a mixup with rules, or something."

"That figure is quite correct, private, as are our rules. Not get your gear ready, we are about to jump."

Sergeant moves on, before our trooper can ask more. Jump ramp opens, and DT:s line up. Light turns green, and they start jumping. Our trooper sees a lieutenant at the end of the ramp, and asks him when it´s his turn to jump.

"Lieutenant, sir. Is this info correct? it says here that 60% of DT:s never see active service in battlefield. And here we are after basic training being dropped to battle. Is there a mistake?"

"No there isn´t, private. That number is absolutely correct. Now jump, you are wasting time."
Our trooper begins to panic slightly
"But sir, I have only basic training, and it said 60% of of DT:s never see active service in battlefield. I don´t know what I should do."

The lieutenant, having no patience left, grabs the trooper from the chest, hurls him out of the plane, and shouts after him:
"YOU PRAY THE EMPEROR YOU BELONG TO THE 40% WHO HAVE A FUNCTIONAL GRAV-CHUTE!"
(Ripped of from a comic book, naturally)

And

How many Tau does it change to switch a light bulb?
4. One to change it, three to sit in the dark room trying to read so that the chancing of the bulb can be considered to be "for the greater good".

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Old 04 Oct 2005, 19:08   #9 (permalink)
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Default Re: 40k Humour

This has got to be my favorite 40k joke of all time.

http://www.lostinspacecomic.com/daily.php?date=040216

My favorite warhammer joke is this one, which is my favorite of all time. It's SO TRUE ITS NOT FUNNY.

http://www.lostinspacecomic.com/daily.php?date=040217
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Old 04 Oct 2005, 22:40   #10 (permalink)
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Man those guys wont let you have ANY fun *takes a drop pod for a pizza run anyway*
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