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Sticking your foot in your mouth....
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Old 22 Sep 2005, 11:56   #1 (permalink)
Shas'El
 
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Location: Fifth circle of hell
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Default Sticking your foot in your mouth....

Have you ever spoken and wished that you could immediately take the
word back...or that you could crawl into a hole? Here are the
testimonials of a few people who did...

FIRST TESTIMONY:

I walked into a hair salon with my husband and three kids in tow and
asked loudly, "How much do you charge for a shampoo and a blow job?" I
turned around and walked back out and never went back. My husband
didn't say a word...he knew better.

SECOND TESTIMONY:

I was at the golf store comparing different kinds of golf balls. I was
unhappy with the women's type I had been using. After browsing for
several minutes, I was approached by one of the good-looking gentlemen
who works at the store. He asked if he could help me. Without
thinking, I looked at him and said, "I think I like playing with men's
balls."

THIRD TESTIMONY:

My sister and I were at the mall and passed by a store that sold a
variety of candy and nuts. As we were looking at the display case, the
boy behind the counter asked if we needed any help. I replied, "No,I'm
just looking at your nuts." My sister started to laugh hysterically.
The boy grinned, and I turned beet-red and walked away. To this day,
my sister has never let me forget.

FOURTH TESTIMONY:

While in line at the bank one afternoon, my toddler decided to release
some pent-up energy and ran amok. I was finally able to grab hold of
her after receiving looks of disgust and annoyance from other patrons.
I told her that if she did not start behaving "right now" she would be
punished. To my horror, she looked me in the eye and said in a voice
just as threatening, "If you don't let me go right now, I will tell
Grandma that I saw you kissing Daddy's pee-pee last night!" The
silence was deafening after this enlightening exchange. Even the
tellers stopped what they were doing. I mustered up the last of my
dignity and walked out of the bank with my daughter in tow. The last
thing I heard when the door closed behind me, were screams of
laughter.

FIFTH TESTIMONY:

Have you ever asked your child a question too many times?
My three-year-old son had a lot of problems with potty training and
was on him constantly. One day we stopped at Taco Bell for a quick
lunch in between errands. It was very busy, with a full dining room.
While enjoying my taco, I smelled something funny, so of course I
checked my seven-month-old daughter, and she was clean. Then realized
that Danny had not asked to go potty in awhile, so I asked him if he
needed to go, and he said "No". I kept thinking "Oh Lord, that child
has had an accident, and I don't have any clothes with me." Then I
said, "Danny, are you SURE you didn't have an accident? "No," he
replied. I just KNEW that he must have had an accident, because the
smell was getting worse.Soooooo, I asked one more time, "Danny, did
you have an accident?" This time he jumped up, yanked down his pants,
bent over and spread his cheeks and yelled "SEE MOM, IT'S JUST
FARTS!!" While 30 people nearly choked to death on their tacos
laughing, he calmly pulled up his pants and sat down. An old couple
made me feel better by thanking me for the best laugh they'd ever had!

LAST TESTIMONY:

This had most of the state of Michigan laughing for 2 days and a very
embarrassed female news anchor who will, in the future, likely think
before she speaks. What happens when you predict snow but don't get
any... a true story... We had a female news anchor that, the day after
it was supposed to have snowed and didn't, turned to the weatherman
and asked: "So Bob, where's that 8 inches you promised me last night?"
Not only did HE have to leave the set, but half the crew did too they
were laughing so hard!

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Old 22 Sep 2005, 17:28   #2 (permalink)
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Default Re: Sticking your foot in your mouth....

Wow... these are really funny. The 4th is the best ;D
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Legio why do I always imagine you shouting when I read your posts? :P
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Old 22 Sep 2005, 17:32   #3 (permalink)
Shas'El
 
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Default Re: Sticking your foot in your mouth....

Brilliant Deadnight. Where did you find those too then?
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Never in the field of human satire were so many made to feel so humble by so much acid wit
GOT IT! Thatís the one. Just sums RJay up perfectly!
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Old 22 Sep 2005, 17:36   #4 (permalink)
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Default Re: Sticking your foot in your mouth....

Probably from here:

http://www.ebaumsworld.com/flash/peanutbutter.html
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Old 22 Sep 2005, 18:26   #5 (permalink)
Shas'El
 
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Default Re: Sticking your foot in your mouth....

I have been lucky all my life in that my shoe size corresponds with my mouth diameter. Lucky, since my foot is located there so often. Nice tales deadnight.


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Old 22 Sep 2005, 19:43   #6 (permalink)
Shas'El
 
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Default Re: Sticking your foot in your mouth....

Never done anything that bad, not by a long shot.

Great laugh though, thanks.
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Old 22 Sep 2005, 20:07   #7 (permalink)
Ethereal
 
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Default Re: Sticking your foot in your mouth....

Bah, in any of those situations, simply looking at the assembled group and applying casual threats and abuse will solve the situation.
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Old 23 Sep 2005, 10:29   #8 (permalink)
Shas'La
 
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Default Re: Sticking your foot in your mouth....

Haha. Nice. i had one of those happen with the blokes at work.

This place is a department store and a lady came in to return a toy pirate ship. The reason being it had no cannonballs to fire out of the spring cannons on the side. So my manager goes through the box throwing bits everywhere and his assistant comes round the corner.
"Uh Gary... What are you doing?" he says
"I haven't got any balls!" replys Gary
"O...K..." says David, and he walked off in tears of laughter...
So now we introduce Gary as the manager with no balls...
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Old 23 Sep 2005, 13:01   #9 (permalink)
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Default Re: Sticking your foot in your mouth....

A brilliant one-liner from Tuesday by a kid who really didn't know how to combine brain and mouth...

"How can you play a game with Dice?!"
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Old 23 Sep 2005, 15:16   #10 (permalink)
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Default Re: Sticking your foot in your mouth....

Quote:
Originally Posted by Wargamer
"How can you play a game with Dice?!"
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D

That's just about the funniest of the lot! ;D
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