Thread: Twin Traitors
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Old 21 Aug 2007, 17:54   #6 (permalink)
derfderf
Shas'Saal
 
Join Date: Jun 2007
Posts: 152
Default Re: Twin Traitors

Bump for great justice!

I can tell that this was a pretty ambitious undertaking, and I feel that this was both a good and bad thing. On the plus side, I liked having all the different subplots and their respective characters all being woven together at the end; it shows that you have a good sense of pacing and structure. On the not-so-plus side, I think you tried to do too much with too little space. I definitely would have liked more background on some of the more interesting characters such as Holt and the twins - the way you introduced them, I was really hoping to find out more about them.

I also think it was a bit rushed because of some grammatical lapses. Quotes ending with "he/she said" should always be followed by a comma instead of nothing. There were also a few plural/singular lapses and a couple other things, but the comma thing was the most frequent, and it kind of took my attention away from the story.

All in all, I was fairly impressed with this piece, with the caveat that I'd be infinitely more impressed with a more polished version. I can see this becoming a series (if it isn't already), and I hope you expand on it because I was particularly drawn to some of the characters - but I also hope that you keep my comments in mind, and put a bit more time into editing (for a work of this length, I know it's hard to do consistently).

Nice work
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