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Tau Heretics --- Need critique please
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Old 27 Mar 2007, 13:35   #1 (permalink)
Kroot Shaper
 
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Default Tau Heretics --- Need critique please

PART 1
Chapter 1

Planet T’au
"Heretics! All of you Heretics! From this day forth, I Aun'shael banish you from all planets conquered by the Tau empire, for the Tau Empire." Aun'shael looked pleased with himself. Altogether there were forty-nine banished, with a couple of ships and suits. Three smaller sized space ships , Kurian, Shiatol, and Friaor allowed them to travel swiftly from one planet to another, with a very low chance of detection. This of course was until someone from the inside identified them. This someone was a messenger, a small untrustworthy air caste messenger named Kor'ita Shan'al Aien'al. Everyone new he had an accomplice, someone more powerful than he, someone higher in the political ladder. Possibly a water caste member, or even a Ethereal.
Shas'aiel Que'el of the Kar'do clan and his followers left the great city of the Tau, Gemhas'Eshal in there three space ships. With but a few spear-lances pulse rifles and pistols. Everyone knew that being banished did not stop Shas’aiel Que'el, he would never stop his quest. He knew the truth of what was happening, and he needed to prove it. He needed it to either come out of the High Councils own mouths, or from the prophet of Aun’va. Que’el would do this with only forty-nine Tau warriors, pilots, workers, and technicians. Most of whom were warriors, of the fire caste.

Shas’aiel Que’el held a meeting of the highest ranking Tau. They all came, every single one, from short to tall, from bright to tough, all of them where there. “I need the Tau to know the truth of what is really going on, what the greater good really is” announced Que’el. "Many of the Ethereals are blind to the truth, they think they are fighting for the greater good. But some, some know what they are fighting for, they are fighting for the destruction of the universe, any who will not join with them, will disintegrate." Loud gasps could be heard throughout the room, coming from those who did not know of this before.

Kion Celeste
Aun'shael, after banishing the heretics, the ones who knew the truth went to the frozen planet Kion Celeste to check on the improvements on the planetary underground factory. The subversive complex was massive, fitted out with security systems, passageways from wing to wing, area to area. The whole center was made out of white steeltite a form of steel-titanium to make it harder and more durable. There were three main wings within the subterranean complex, two were on the same floor and there was a larger one underneath it. The Main Dome or the central wing was almost twice the size of the other two. It was also below the others. In the center of the Great Dome was a large space black semispherical object. It could open up into two halves, which separated by sliding away from each other. Once open a soft Ice blue chair could be seen which could hold no more than an above average man sized creature. Many dials could be found on, next to, and in front of the chair. Two of these would catch almost anyone’s eyes, every one of course but the creator, Aun’shael. One was a hand plate shimmering between five colors. Red, Blue, Green, Yellow, and of course white. The other was a sharp pin like object a couple of feet in front of the chair.

Aun’shael calmly padded through the upper most chamber to the center where a pinkish glow could be seen. The unnerving feeling was around him as always. It was as if there was no one around, yet he knew very well that he was being watched carefully, by hovering security cameras, security personnel, and also his Leader.


Shas’aiel Que’el, and a another 7 pathfinders clambered onto one of Shiatol’s smaller shuttles. With all of them buckled in the pilot hit a multitude of switches and the pod shot out from the hangar. It was propelled by a force, much like the ones on hover tanks and speeders on land, but it was many times more powerful. It was their stealth shuttle, barely any sound could be heard from the outside, but the gentle hum soothed all the scouts inside. “Warriors, now that you have followed me, you have no allegiance to the empire.” stated Que’el as he stood up “they will not stop to think who they are shooting at, and neither should you.” The keen checked their clips, the remainder listened absorbedly. “Now, I know that some of you have only seen each other since the exile, but some are friends and have known each other for years.” There were two brothers who looked across at each other and nodded. This was the traditional acknowledgement from there homeland. Both of their skins were of a darker shade, due to the fact that they had lived on a snowy planet. It was said that the darker your skin was the colder place you came from, some believe this, others don’t. Some filthy humans know this, but the rest are disbelieving, but the Tau, warriors of the greater good know this to be true.

The ship never touched the ground, it simply hovered over it. Spontaneously the warriors placed the helmets on their heads and waited attentively for the following orders. Right then and their, their second in command was the elder of the two brothers, Fasor’ith. The group split up into fours. It was freezing cold—the armor heaters needed some time to heat up—if they stayed out in the open with their heaters still cool, they would freeze. Their pale blue mantles topped off with the falling snow hardly contrasted to the white background. The 8 figures raced through the slushy snow, on foot, moving fast staying low. Each group about 10 meters from the other. The odds were stacked against them. Their rivals numbered in excess of 300 fighters. They, they had only eight. Their rivals had massive logistical and technical support: tanks, cameras, turrets, and none of that was even mentioning the almost impenetrable underground complex. The 8 were only carrying what they’d need inside the multiplex. And now—the eight had just discovered—a third force was on it’s way to the underground buildings, close behind them, a much larger and nastier force than that of their immediate foes, who already offensive enough. They were surrounded, but they had to do it, they were the last-ditch effort for the good of Taukind. The last throw of the dice. The were the ones who needed to save the universe. The ones who would tell the truth to all the Planets and galaxies.

They group barraged into the vents of the complex, running full tilt. Team Kaius, lead by Fasor’ith hopped down the side vent with ease. Team Shovah, led by Shas’aiel Que’el needed to cut the vent hatch before dropping down. They had analyzed this point for weeks. It was the only plausible point of entry for a small group. Crawling through the vent pipes they came to a small white cage-like room. A white table, white hover chair, white sofa, and even a large white wall covering screen. Quickly using heat sensors, they checked if the lasers were on. Clear. Hunter team Kaius lowered themselves down from the left shaft, quietly cheating the room for security objects. They turned on the monitor, “Password please.” A robotic voice sounded out loud, too load for them. The other group jumped out of the central vent, “what was that?” Shas’aiel asked. He didn’t need an answer, because the rest of the group were just stood, gawking at the two safety turrets emerging from an unseen panel in the wall. The countdown on the screen had begun, Eight, Seven, Six, what was the code. “ Try Tau’va, for the greater good.” Five, Four, Three. “How about Mont'ka!” for it really would be the final blow, to the universe. Two, Access granted. All of them let out a sigh of relief, they would not be massacred.


~_~_~_~



Chapter 2
“Commander Alvara, the radar has spotted the building, its due North North East. Her Auburn hair flowed with the wind in the chilling cold air. Her immaculate blue eyes were two radiant dots against the background. Alvara Sylvia, commander of the Snow Hawks Second Legion somehow got hold of information about this location. The three striped blue claw-marks on all the legions left shoulder pads, resembled the deep shine of her eyes. She wanted everything to be perfect, she always did. Plan it, check it, pull it through, and top it off. That’s how everything went under her command, and that’s how this one would go. She and her high-ranking officials had been planning this break in for months. They had observed every inch and corner of the buildings blue prints and found the one and only weak point of the building. “Get all our vehicles into firing range and move all the rhinos into unloading positions.” Her smooth feminine voice gave out orders that were expected to be followed. The glistening white rhino and chimera transports moved to the front and started unloading the Marines. The Raider, the Crusader, the Whirlwind, Predator Distructor and Annihilator, Bikes, and even land-speeders. They were all there, every single one, all with the same white sheen. This was the largest battle force mustered in many a decade from this or any legion of the emperor.

Kor'ita Shan'al Aien'al, the corrupt air caste messenger watched in horror as the vehicle started blasting the icy cliff walls. Shards of ice came falling down, large enough to easily kill a or xeno. It was just an old mine from the distant past, when maybe only the Eldar lived. The Eldar must have been mining for Wraithstone, or something of the sorts. They had created three massive hollow dome like objects, and from that, many fairly large tunnels burrowing deep beneath the icy surface of the ice world Kion Celeste. The lower the tunnels ran down, the colder it got. It was obvious that there was something wrong with this planet, it went against all theories and facts throughout all the planetary systems. The crust of the planet was like the thin topping on a piece of pie, then came the mantel that acted out the part of the pie’s cover, subsequently came the two crusts, the inner and outer cores. The outer liquid core was the steaming hot filling and the inner core was the bottom of the superlative pie. How could they have found out this secret location, not even all the Tau new about this place. Bombardment after bombardment of missiles, flaming balls, and big canisters of volatile explosives came hurtling toward the cliff walls. But Kor’ita could not die, should not die, he was in fact one of the…. The disguised plexiglas window that Kor’ita was sitting behind was shattered in.

The captain of security forces came hurtling in to the room, touching his first two fingers to his forehead. “Kor’ita, I have sent out all our primary defensive tanks to stop the advancement of the; NO!” the captain found Kor’ita Shan’al Aien’al lying limp in his chair, head snapped backwards, and glass sprouted from his face. Two scouts’ hands appeared on the window ledge. One of them hopped over with almost no effort, wearing heavy armor. Before any of them could react, the captain had drawn out one pulse pistol and took two skillfully aimed shots. The scout who had managed to pull himself up was shot in the head and fell with blood gurgling in his mouth. The other, who was only half way up got clipped in the left shoulder. The commander leaped to the window with a wide grin playing on his face, the second scout must have plummeted over 200 feet before actually dying.

It was just an old mine from the distant past, when maybe only the Eldar lived. The Eldar must have been mining for Wraithstone, or something of the sorts. They had created three massive hollow dome like objects, and from that, many many fairly large tunnels burrowing deep beneath the icy surface of the ice world Kion Celeste. The lower the tunnels ran down, the colder it got. It was obvious that there was something wrong with this planet, it went against all theories and facts throughout all the planetary systems. The crust of the planet was like the thin topping on a piece of pie, then came the mantel that acted out the part of the pie’s cover, subsequently came the two crusts, the inner and outer cores. The outer liquid core was the steaming hot filling and the inner core was the bottom of the superlative pie. This, this wonderful planet gone wrong was undoubtedly the opposite. The soft cool crust, the thin metallic mantel, the liquidified outer core and the freezing hard inner core.

The Tau tanks swiftly hovered out of the hangers and immediately started letting out copious amounts of blue sizzling hot globules of purplish blue plasma. Tank after human tank was turned to ash, only small pieces of the tanks were still left on top or covered by the heaps of ash. Return fire was coming, streaks of black balls and missiles landed on and between the tanks. Tetras, Piranhas, and Hammerheads fell under the onslaught, scorching blue flame was the explosions of these magnificent smooth black and red colored hovercrafts. One of the Marines stood out from the infantry. Everyone of his shots hit their intended targets, and moved with the smooth feminine grace of the tall Eldar. He drew the thinnest human sword ever seen a flung himself to the fray. Sizzling energy leapt from the blade scorching the bodies being torn in two. He lifted up his sword towards the skies and lighting struck it; flaring white lighting issued from the blade in a full circle, passing through the Marines not even causing any confusion and instantly shocked and killed any one of the Tau that got in it’s way.

~_~_~_~


Chapter 3
“What is this place? All I know, is that its not comforting, these ancient Eldar were good at whatever they had done in the past.” An eerie blue glow emanated from the white walls of the tunnel, giving off a chilling feeling, colder than the temperature outside. Squad Kaius turned left, from once they entered the corridor, a large earthquake shook them, causing four of the five to fall. A shimmering blue beam of light crossed the walkway at waist level. The only one standing turned around and said, “what was that light?” Slowly his upper body started sliding forward, where the light crossed through his body. There was no blood, as that light must have been really hot, cutting through his armor, bones and heated his flesh together. Everyone lay or sat in shocked silence, there friend and partner, who they had known just got cut in half. The fist to forehead, a more ‘heretical salute’ to their dead comrade was cut short by the sound of banging, explosions, and weapons flaring from behind the door at the end of the corridor.

Fasor’ith did not even need to give out the commands, the already new. The men hid the body in a barrel and poured a flammable liquid into it. Someone hid inside of a dark passage way to one side, another hopped into a white silicon barrel, the youngest moved further forward and hid in an alcove. Fasor’ith moved up close and stood quite calmly right next to the door, he would never be seen, and he never did. The door flew in and massive white armored soldiers came in, bolters flaring, bullets flying, and shells hitting the floor. It took them only a second to notice there was nothing there. They moved in straight down the hall and towards the room the pathfinders had entered through. “Now”, whispered Fasor’ith, but a whisper meant to be heard. The firepower the Pathfinders laid down was above and beyond what the academy at of their homeworld taught them, there was beyond sufficient energy to break a foe of twice as many numbers, yet Space Marine troops did not falter. Even with their backs faced to the Heretics, the Space Marines did not run and take cover inside the room, they turned and fired. Seemingly not caring if one of their brothers fell in combat. From nine warriors, they were cut down to just four, one of them, the captain. “Aim your fire towards the captain!” All four of our pulse blasts hit there marks, that punched four holes through the leader. The remaining three warriors dropped their bolters and knelt down, placing most of their weight onto the left leg. Moving as one the three Marines placed the flats of their hand together. They were praying. Leaping up, the charged the Pathfinders. “Fire, kill them before they come too near!” shouted Fasor’ith. They all fell limp, “go search their bodies, and see if the have any information about why they are here.”

“Where is Kair’ith, my brother, he was with us? Now there are only three of us.” Creases formed on Fasor’ith’s large forehead, any other Tau could tell that he was worried. A small man walked through the doorway that had been blasted inwards, he was wearing red armor with slabs of light blue. Falling onto his knees, the warrior said, “nineteen dead, seven injured.” He said nothing more before falling onto his chest. He lay there motionless.

“No!” Screaming and running towards his brothers body, Fasor’ith, let his legs go limp, sliding the last few yards towards the body. He quickly turned the body over, putting Kair’ith’s head in his lap. The other two warriors stood guarding the from both ends of the hallway.

For a second, it seemed as if the whole building went silent. There was no bolter blasts or pulse blasts to be heard, no screaming, nothing. Standing up, Fasor’ith’s face went black. Shouldering his pulse rifle, and drew out his pulse carbine, walking over two one of the other two, he grabbed the carbine and ripped it out of the magnetic holster. “Stay,” one quietly spoken word was said before he left. The two obeyed. A few minutes passed by, the shooting could be heard from far off. “Ahg,” human voices could be heard from not far off, the remaining two warriors looked at each other, and with unspoken consent, rushed in after their second in command. They reached a large hangar like building. The front entrance, consisting of plasma energy emanating from two holes on each side of the bay was turned off. A figure clad in blue knelt at the entrance. Firing sizzling hot amethyst mixed with blue rounds into the sea of white figures outside. The two of them looked in awe at there leader, he did not fear death anymore. A massive snow white and ice blue Manta lay in the exact center of the hangar. Two Battlesuits were left, along with one hammerhead and Sky Ray. Perfect. The helmet connected to his brain, immediately accessed the radio system, “Commander Shas’aiel, we found two Battlesuits, a Hammerhead, and a Ray.” He stated simply as nothing had happened. Looking around he found a plaque saying, ‘hangar number 2’. “Go to hangar number two, and hurry.”
An explosion could be heard from the West wing of the large hanger. Four soldiers running at full tilt through the gap. “Get to one of the vehicles, get to them now.” Their commander was screaming in Tauish at the top of his lungs. The two remaining Pathfinders from squad Kaius, each took a Battlesuit to themselves. When the other four, from team Shovah arrived. They split up into twos, each of the twos took one of the hover vessels. Shas’aiel took the hammerhead and operated the it to stop next to the Fasor’ith. Blasting white armored figures hundreds of yards away, blue rays flew at regular intervals from the main cannon. The two drones fitted near the front, unattached themselves from the ship and sped swiftly towards the mass of Marines. Two sand colored Battlesuits flew out from the hangar door. One armed with a burst cannon and plasma gun, the other armed with many missiles, a flamer and also had a plasma gun. Confusion erupted in the much larger force. A warrior fighting at the head of the army, slaughtering sand colored fire warriors and blue tinted, white Kroot. Both sides fought with the vigor of blood lust, the both had their own reasons for these aggressive feelings. No one would give way, the Tau for their ‘greater good’ and something that was unknown for the Space Marines.



What do you guys think of it so far?
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Old 19 Apr 2007, 09:34   #2 (permalink)
Kroot Shaper
 
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Default Re: Tau Heretics --- Need critique please

GREAT it was great you must keep writing but read over it again, there are a few spots not making sense and you actually did a whole paragraph twice so only a few things wrong, oh and females cant become space marines at all only sisters of battle
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Old 20 Apr 2007, 01:58   #3 (permalink)
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Default Re: Tau Heretics --- Need critique please

Quote:
Originally Posted by Clive_BLOODANGELS!
oh and females cant become space marines at all only sisters of battle
it goes against (all) fluff (like ever!) but technically they could.
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Old 20 Apr 2007, 02:03   #4 (permalink)
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Default Re: Tau Heretics --- Need critique please

Great fluff, and their being jerks about FSMs, in truth alot of FSMs exist, they just are part of the AM.
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I would like the bare legs a bit better if they weren't belonging to a old woman with Grey Hair.

Kinda wrong.
I agree with that, at least try to make her look hot and young!

Anyways, dont give toasty any ideas, he already loves his Sisters too much....
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Old 28 Apr 2007, 11:26   #5 (permalink)
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Default Re: Tau Heretics --- Need critique please

Quote:
Originally Posted by edraik
Great fluff, and their being jerks about FSMs, in truth alot of FSMs exist, they just are part of the AM.
No they don't. Space Marines are all-male.
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Old 30 Apr 2007, 12:08   #6 (permalink)
Kroot Shaper
 
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Default Re: Tau Heretics --- Need critique please

Wait, so there are or aren't any FSM?
Plus, do you genuinely want me to continue or r you ppl just being kind? (despite having the mini debate over FSM)
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Old 01 May 2007, 19:20   #7 (permalink)
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Default Re: Tau Heretics --- Need critique please

+++I think you should continue but learn your fluff better.+++
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Old 03 May 2007, 11:28   #8 (permalink)
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Default Re: Tau Heretics --- Need critique please

Quote:
Originally Posted by Fasorith
Wait, so there are or aren't any FSM?
Plus, do you genuinely want me to continue or r you ppl just being kind? (despite having the mini debate over FSM)
no FSM. At all. Ever.


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Old 10 May 2007, 01:33   #9 (permalink)
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Default Re: Tau Heretics --- Need critique please

In this case female "space marines" could very well be sisters of battle fighting along side for whatever reason, and simply miss identified by the tau. That, or blood angels...
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Old 11 May 2007, 00:29   #10 (permalink)
Kroot Shaper
 
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Default Re: Tau Heretics --- Need critique please

Quote:
Originally Posted by Deadpool
In this case female "space marines" could very well be sisters of battle fighting along side for whatever reason, and simply miss identified by the tau. That, or blood angels...
What do you mean by that? >
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